Author's Note : Got this idea after reading 'Things Not To Do at the SGC' (Stargate SG-1 fanfiction, fyi). Usual disclaimer info applies.


Professor McGonagall tapped the last delicate nail into place. She stepped back to admire her handiwork and was, quite honestly, pleased with herself. In an effort to help the students at Hogwarts – particularly the first years – she and the other professors had started a list of tips and techniques to surviving life at School of Magic.

Her lips formed a tight smile of satisfaction and she walked away.

Of course, a piece of parchment left unattended – especially on the message board outside of the Great Hall – was bound to attract attention. And the students, being both teenagers and tweenagers (no longer children but not yet 13), paid particular attention to all of the blank space on the parchment…perfect for making comments.

This was, after all, the common message board for Hogwarts!


1. Under no circumstances, should you anticipate what flavour of Bertie Bott's Every-Flavour Bean you are about to eat.

- Several first-years from Hufflepuff are seeking professional help after thinking yellow is always lemon. Who knew bat pee had a flavour?!?! (Cho)

- Better yet, who has the job to make sure the bean tastes like the real thing? (Parvarti)

- Rest assured, I will not be suggesting that any student at Hogwart's pursue a future in this field during his or her Careers Advice session. (Professor McGonagall)

2. Always read Professor Snape's blackboard very carefully.

- But Ginny said that orange is the new pink! (Neville)

- The potion was supposed to be blue! (Hermione)

3. When Hagrid says he has "somethin' to show yer", keep your wand at the ready!

- I've still got burn marks from that fireworm! (Harry)

- Yeah, well at least it didn't burn a hole in the bottom part of your trousers! (Ron)

4. When the Weasley twins start acting innocent around you, walk away slowly and do not, under any circumstances, make eye contact.

- Is Goyle out of the Infirmary Wing yet? (Blaise)

- Mr. Goyle is excused from attending classes for the rest of the term due to an enlarged part of his anatomy which is stubbornly magic-resistant. Suffice to say, all lavatories near the Infirmary are closed to all students until further notice. (Madame Pomfrey)

5. Never attempt to harm or maim Mrs. Norris.

- Hey, who let Filch come up with a suggestion? (Ron)

- I know where you sleep, Weasley! (Filtch)

- Anyone wanna trade rooms? (Ron)

6. Never threaten to turn an uncooperative baby mandrake into a root stew.

- I hear Professor Sprout threatened the Slytherin who made the statement into a pair of cowboy boots. (Angelina)

- Not enough of him for that…maybe a wallet. (Hermione)

- How does one write a sneer?!?! (Draco)

7. Quidditch is more than just a game.

- Hermoine, put the quill away. (Harry)

- But….ugh…. (???)

- I'm sorry but Hermoine can't come to the parchment right now. Please leave a message after the beep….BEEEEEEEP! (Ron)

8. Before practicing magic in pairs, make sure your reflexes are in good condition.

- Did Filtch ever un-embed Neville's wand from the wall? (Cho)

- No, but at least the Whomping Willow didn't get mine! (Neville)

- It wouldn't have got mine, if you had said the right words! (Lee)

- At least you didn't have to have Madame Pomfrey remove a wand from your ear! (Padma)

9. "Hey, I can see Uranus!" is not a good pick up line in either Divination or Astronomy.

- I tried to warn Crabbe about that! (Draco)

- Never knew Pansy had such a strong left hook! (Crabbe)

- Never knew you could write. (Ron)

10. Avoid strange diaries and otherwise blank books found in dark corridors or second-rate caldrons.

- Where was this little tidbit during my first year? (Ginny)

- But then Harry couldn't have been your knight in shining…ooof! (???)

- I'm sorry but Ron can't come to the parchment right now. Please leave a message after the beep…BEEEEEP! (Ginny)

11. Never, ever reveal your House's password to anyone outside of your House.

- Ravenclaws will be expected to report to the Hufflepuff Common Room every night this week until the marshmallow cream has been removed from every nook and cranny. (Dumbledore)

- Marshmellow Roast!!!! (Ravenclaw)

12. Lace and dress are to be applied only in terms of women's clothing.

- Can someone please tell the Weasel's mother this? My eyes are still burning from the sight of him at the Yule Ball! (Draco)

- I thought it be from all the cologne you were wearing. (Hermione)

- Ah, couldn't resist getting close to me, eh, Granger? (Draco)

- Yeah, you're like a bad accident, Malfoy…we can't help but check it out. (Ron)

- Five points from Gryffindor and five points from Slytherin. (Professor McGonagall)

13. When Harry Potter starts to rub his scar, would someone please tell Dumbledore at once.

- Oh, please…it's not that bad! (Harry)

- Harry, for once, I'd like to have a quiet year! No stones, chambers, prisoners, goblets, dragons, three-headed dogs….a quiet year. (Hermione)

- You really know how to take the fun out of things, 'Mione. (Ron)

14. Under no circumstances should you barge into Snape's classroom or office unannounced.

- It really wasn't that bad being a frog for a few hours. (Neville)

- I heard Pansy was turned into a housefly. (Ginny)

- Thank goodness you two weren't in the same room at the same time! (Hermione)

- EWWWWW! (Neville, Pansy)

- Perhaps next time you will knock. (Professor Snape)

15. From this time forward, Boggarts are not to be used as entertainment for bored students.

- Slytherin regretfully announces that this Friday's party has been cancelled. (Blaise)

- Maybe Weasel can come instead and demonstrate his magic? (Draco)

- Slytherin is pleased to announce that this Friday's party has been re-instated. Miss Pansy Parkinson will be demonstrating her musical prowess. (Blaise…under duress by Miss Pansy Parkinson)

- My tuition is paying for this?!?! (Draco)

- Slytherin is pleased to announce that this Friday's party has been cancelled. (Blaise)

- And to whomever was paying attention in Snape's class for the frog potion…our eternal thanks. (Draco)