Prologue Updated/Edited as of 5/31/07


Three figures stood at the top of a high grassy hill, gazing down into the thick forestry of the land of Fire. The rising sun slowly ascended behind their backs and a gentle wind caused their hair to blow about in light gusts. The only thing that could have made the scene even more dynamic would be a raging seaside in the background. But, since none of the three figures were Maito Gai or Rock Lee, they settled for the sun and wind.

It was still a picturesque image.

The first of the three was a tall, burly looking man with long white hair, dressed in clothing that a kabuki performer might wear. His arms were crossed over his chest as he stared off into the horizon, where the village of Konoha could barely be made out from within the thick trees. It had been over two and a half years, and even though he'd been away from the village for much longer than that before, he knew that at least one of his companions would be glad to be back again. The other...well, that remained to be seen.

He turned to the two, completely failing to suppress a small twitch of jealousy on his face at how close they seemed to be standing together, even if the first one didn't seem all that aware of it.

Of the two kids, one was a teenage boy with wild blond hair, blue eyes and bright orange and black clothes. He was looking off toward the village with a large grin on his face. The other was a girl about the same age with long, dark hair, wearing an identical outfit to the boy, with the exception of the sleeves being torn off. She also had her pants rolled up and pinned several times at the waist and ankles, as the clothing appeared to be a few sizes to large for her.

Rather than following the other's gazes toward the village, her eyes were set firmly on the boy. She seemed incredibly nervous, as she constantly shifted her weight from one leg to the other and interlocked her fingers together.

The boy didn't seem to take notice of the girl's unwavering gaze, but did see the look the older man was giving him from the corner of his eye. He turned to confront him.

"What's wrong with you, Ero-Sennin?"

"Nothing's wrong with me, boy," he answered quickly.

"If nothing's wrong, then why are you looking at me like that?"

"I'm not looking at you like anything," he denied firmly.

"Yeah you are; you're looking at me like..." He twisted his face until it resembled a close copy of the expression that was on the man's face. "This. It's weird; you've been giving me that look for almost a week now. If you keep doing that it's just gonna add more wrinkles to your face."

Jiraiya seemed ready to start yelling, but bit it back and turned away with a huff. "Brat, you have yet to learn the fine distinction between 'wrinkles' and 'wisdom lines'."

Naruto gave him a sideways glance and grinned. "You must be a genius then, huh Ero-Sennin?"

The legendary sannin grinned and puffed his chest out in pride. "Why thank you. Good to see you're finally starting to show some respect for your sensei."

A long silence passed. No one moved as a light gust of wind blew through. Jiraiya frowned. "Hey, wait a minute..."

Naruto smirked at him. "You're getting slower, Ero-Sennin." Beside him, the girl giggled despite her discomfort.

Giving a loud 'humph', Jiraiya turned his nose up. "It would seem that I've taught you too much, brat. I suppose once we get back to Konoha you won't have any more use for your poor, generous, easily exploitable master. Just take all of my great teachings and wonderful gifts and disappear with them, won't you?"

"What are you going on about?" Naruto questioned. "Come on, quit acting like a little kid."

"I am NOT acting like a little kid!" To prove his point, he stomped his foot on the ground, then sat down cross-legged, cross-armed and hunched over with his bottom lip protruding out in a pout.

Naruto shook his head and scratched his cheek with his finger. He was about to say something more when he felt the girl take hold of his arm.

"Are you sure this is okay, Naruto-sama?"

The blush of embarrassment that had covered Naruto's face at being in such close contact with the girl melted away to reassurance at the girl's words. "Hey, don't worry about a thing. Like I said, once we tell Tsunade-baachan what happened I'm sure she'll help you."

The girl lowered her gaze and smiled weakly. "Not everyone is as forgiving as you, Naruto-sama. It may have been three years ago, but that doesn't mean that all will be forgotten. ...I'd think that your pink-haired teammate would be especially bitter about seeing me again..."

Naruto cut in by turning and placing his hands on her shoulders. "Listen, I promise once we talk to obaachan everything will work out fine. And if anything does happen to go bad, I'll take care of it, alright?"

He had only intended to reassure her, but the reaction he got was much more than one would have suspected. The girl suddenly leaned in much closer, pressing her body firmly against his side. She brought her face up to Naruto's, causing him to tense up and blush a deep crimson from the close proximity.

"I trust you, Naruto-sama," she told him, dropping her voice to a seductive whisper. "I know you'll keep me safe."

Naruto gulped, but couldn't manage anything more than a simple, "Uhh..."

She moved in even closer, wrapping one arm around his waist, and the other distinctly lower on his body. "I entrust my life...and my body, into your very capable hands."

This proved to be too much for the blond, as he tilted his head back and shot a fountain of blood from his nose before collapsing in a heap on the ground. The girl blinked a few times in confusion, then turned to Jiraiya, who was busily scribbling something down on a small sheet of paper.

"It happened again, didn't it?" she asked. The Sannin nodded absently, making her frown in annoyance. "Damn it. I thought those side-effects would have stopped by now. What if that happens in public? People'll think I'm a slut or something."

Jiraiya waved her off with his free hand. "Nonsense," he assured her. "Why don't you go on ahead? I'll wake Naruto and we'll catch up." The girl gave him a funny look, but shrugged and went on ahead. Once she was out of sight, he slipped the paper and pencil back into his pocket and sighed. Why life had to be so cruel, he'd never know.

"Get up boy, you're an embarrassment," he commanded, giving Naruto's prone body a small kick. With a small groan, the boy sat back up, looking woozy.

"Jeez, I gotta stop letting my guard down around her," he muttered, wiping the excess blood from his nose on his sleeve.

"You're too weak-minded, brat," Jiraiya said, sounding very disappointed. "How can you expect to ever woo a lady if you can't even handle a little physical contact and light innuendos?"

"It's YOUR fault she's acting that way, baka Ero-Sennin!" he shouted, pointing an accusing finger at the man.

"You're welcome."


"Only you, boy, would consider having a girl practically throwing herself at you to be a bad thing! How dare you call yourself my student?"

"But it's not normal! I mean, it's not like she's acting that way because she wants to!"

Jiraiya sighed in disgust. "You just can't see the good in anything, can you?"

"Are you two coming or not?"

The two men glanced over, seeing the girl looking at them impatiently with her hands on her hips.

Naruto silently got back to his feet. Giving a final dirty look to Jiraiya, he followed after the girl. Jiraiya returned the look to the back of the boy's head.

"Lucky, ungrateful son of a..."

Shaking his head sadly, he moved to catch up with them.


The Dangers of Being a Konoha Playboy

A Naruto Harem Fic

By Legendary Legacy

Standard Disclaimer: The settings and characters of Naruto are the created and legal property of Kishimoto-sama. I am using them without permission or intent of making money.

Additional Disclaimer: This fic will be much sillier than my other main story. While I can't guarantee that it will be funny for you, I will say that it isn't meant to be very serious. Also, OCs will turn up in this story from time to time, but I think you all should know me well enough by now to realize what I do and don't do with my original characters. Please enjoy.


Prologue--Back in the Village Again

If someone had told Haruno Sakura three years ago that she might one day feel anxious about meeting Uzumaki Naruto, she most certainly would have punched them. If someone were to say the same thing to her today, she probably would have done the same thing just on basic principle. But saying something and actually meaning it didn't always go hand in hand.

At the moment, the pink-haired powerhouse had her entire wardrobe spread out on the bed and floor before her, debating over what the best choice of outfits would be for this occasion.

Not that she felt it necessary to look exceptionally good just for Naruto or anything.

But it had been a long two and a half years since they'd last seen each other. That much time was bound to change people, hopefully for the better. Who knew? Maybe he'd grown more mature or even hotter since he left.

Not that it mattered to her what he looked like or anything.

Staring into her full-length mirror, Sakura took in her own changes. Now fifteen years old, she was pleased to see that she had filled out quite nicely, though not quite as nicely as Ino, she begrudgingly admitted. But who cared, she still looked great, and Naruto was bound to think so as well.

Not that she cared what Naruto though of her or anything.

Shaking her head, Sakura flopped down on her bed, gazing up at the ceiling. It was hard to believe that it had been nearly three years since both of her teammates had left Konoha. Loneliness had set in not long after. Kakashi was also constantly away on high-level missions, Ino was busy with her own team and helping at her family flower shop, and even though she had been putting as much time as possible into her training under Tsunade, the times when she wasn't found her with no one really to talk to.

She'd never realized before then that there weren't many other people her age that she typically hung out with. The rest of the shinobi her age were basically associates, not so much friends. There was Lee, who visited with her a few times, but most of those had ended rather uncomfortably with him re-proclaiming his love and devotion to her and her trying to nicely turn him down again.

Many nights found her crying herself to sleep at the sudden emptiness in her life, mainly over the loss of Sasuke. At least, that's how it had started.

Then one day, about seven months after his departure, she'd received a letter from Naruto. For some reason that she couldn't understand, just reading through the letter had filled her with a long-forgotten joy. It was great to hear simple things like Naruto complaining about Jiraiya not teaching him anything and how he had to keep stopping him from peeping into bath houses.

Jiraiya had forbid Naruto from telling her where they were, lest someone like the Akatsuki somehow managed to intercept the letter, so she was unable to write back to him, so she'd had to content herself with the knowledge that he would write to her again soon.

That 'soon' had turned out to be another six months, and all the time in between had felt like ten times as long. When it had finally arrived, Sakura had shut herself in her room and read the thing no less than thirty times before falling asleep. Reading about all the things that Naruto had been doing brought comfort to her, but at the same time made her wish she could talk to him in person about it. She could just imagine the look on his goofy face when he found out that she had been made a chunin before him.

And so was the trend for the next year and a half: Every few months a new letter from Naruto would come, and after reading it, Sakura would wait and wait for the next to come. The letters from her teammate slowly became a highlight for her, and every new day found her checking the mail for the next one, usually only to be disappointed.

It wasn't until much later that she realized that she had started thinking more about Naruto than she had about Sasuke. Either through obliviousness or a stubbornness to admit it, the reasoning behind that remained lost on her.

But now all of that was in the past, and today Naruto was coming back. Finally she would have a chance to talk back to him and let her know all about what she had been up to in his absence. All she needed was to find something decent to wear and meet him...

Standing back up, she began rummaging through her stacks of clothes again.

"Hmm, too flashy...too plain...too low-cut...whoa, waaay too low-cut...hrmm. my God! This thing is still in here!?"

Grimacing in disgust, she pulled out the birthday present that Lee had given to her last year. The tailor-made, gruesome green leotard that was identical to the one he and Gai always wore. It had been one of the few presents she'd received that year from anyone other than her parents.

A nice gesture, sure, but she'd give up being a ninja before she actually wore the thing.

Tossing that aside, she finally decided on an outfit that felt acceptable, and began to change.


Ever since her first time in Konoha, Temari had often wished she'd lived there. The place was such a change from the barren, sandy nothingness of Suna. The weather was still warm, just not unbelievably so, she loved looking at the many colors of the native plants and trees, and the people were surprisingly friendly. Much nicer than the people of Suna, who were respectful, but wouldn't go out of their way much to just talk to her.

But probably the best thing about Konoha was that it was a place for her to just be Temari. She didn't have to be known as 'the sister of the Kazekage' or 'sister of Gaara'. She was just Sabaku no Temari; ass-kicking, quick-thinking jounin and liaison between Konoha and Suna.

But all that aside, she was also hungry, so business would just have to wait a while.

Walking down the streets, the kunoichi glanced about, looking for some place to eat, when her eyes landed on a building she couldn't remember ever seeing before. 'The Date-ken', a large, brightly painted sign above the door read. Directly below the name were the words 'Only Shinobi Allowed'.

Her interest piqued, Temari entered the building.

Once inside, she felt a little overwhelmed. The place looked like a strange cross between a typical restaurant and a dojo. Tables and booths lined the walls while small tabletops and mats were strung about in the middle. Wall scrolls of ancient scripture and calligraphy covered nearly every inch of the walls above the tables, and there appeared to be a punching bag and rack of swords lined up against the back corner. In the very center of the room stood a life-size statue of a man in armor with an eye-patch and a crescent-crested helmet.

There were only a few other people sitting at the tables, but sure enough, all of them were wearing hitai-ite.

Quite an odd place, she surmised. But she was hungry, and she was here, so...

"Konnichiwa, and welcome to-. Oh, it's you."

Temari blinked. What kind of service was that? Finding the source of the voice, she spotted a young girl about the same age as her. She was dressed in a light blue kimono, which Temari assumed to be the standard uniform for women who worked there. Her dark brown hair was pulled up into two small buns on top of her head, and her mouth was turned down into an ugly sneer.

Ah, how familiar Temari was with that sneer. It was the typical look she normally received from someone who currently held a grudge against her. Unfortunately...

"Do I know you?" she asked casually.

That sentence turned the girl's sneer into an evil scowl. "What do you mean, 'do I know you'? You were the one who beat and humiliated me! You mocked my abilities, nearly killed me and made me look like an absolute joke in front of my teammates!"

"Oooh," Temari said, nodding her head in understanding. "...Could you be a little more specific?"

Fire flared in the eyes of the brunette as two kunai suddenly appeared in her hands. "Why you-!"

"TENTEN!" came a booming voice from the back of the room. Tenten flinched as both girls turned to stare at the large, hairy man who had just appeared in the doorway. He wore a white chef's hat, a very dirty apron, and was brandishing a rather large knife. "No fighting with customers until after they've eaten and paid! Any lost profit comes out of your paycheck!"

Tenten huffed and waved a dismissive hand at the man. "Sorry, kumichou."

Temari's eyes widened as the man flung the knife, sending it spiraling toward the back of Tenten's head.

"And stop calling me that!" he shouted.

Temari felt that she should warn the girl, but before she was able, Tenten had spun around, caught the spinning blade by the handle and had thrown it right back toward the man. Unfortunately, or fortunately in the man's case, he had already walked back into the kitchen and the knife sunk harmlessly into the wooden door that separated the rooms. Temari noted with interest that the door appeared to have many deep knife-shaped holes like the one that was just formed.

"Well, you heard him," Tenten muttered, snapping Temari out of her thoughts. "Either come in and order something or leave."

Temari smirked. Hearing the girl's name and seeing the display with the knife had jogged her memory. Now that she remembered who it was she was dealing with, she found it a bit funny. "So you still haven't gotten over our match at the Chunin Exams three years ago? That's a little sad, isn't it?"

"Eat me," the girl spat.

"I'll order from the menu, if it's all the same to you."

Temari's smirk widened as she swore she could hear the girl's teeth grinding. Without responding, Tenten led her to an empty seat.

"So you decided to give up on being a shinobi after all, huh?" Temari continued to taunt. "Well good for you. If I may say so, I think you made the right choice."

"For you information," Tenten retorted with enough venom to kill everyone in the restaurant. "I'm only doing this as a side job to make extra money and get additional training in between missions. I'm a chunin now, in case you didn't know."

"A chunin, huh? Well how about that? You must have gotten a little less pathetic from the time we fought. You should be proud."

"Quite proud, actually," the brunette answered. "Unlike some people, I'm not blessed with the perks that come with have a Kazekage for a brother."

Temari's eyes narrowed. "Care to repeat that?"

"No, here's your menu."

Giving another sharp glare, Temari turned to the menu and began scanning it. Her brow furrowed. "What is this? I've never even heard of some of this stuff!"

Tenten shrugged. "Date-sensei has a strange liking for foreign and exotic foods. Might I suggest the egg pudding-stuffed haggis?"

"Don't do me any favor, thanks. I'll play it safe and have the sushi house special."

Tenten silently scribbled down the order, then turned and walked into the kitchen, letting the door swing shut behind her.

Temari sat in silence for a few moments, watching the other occupants eating and chatting. Suddenly, she was startled by a loud crashing followed by several audible shouts could be heard coming from the kitchen. More loud bangs and sounds of metal clashing against metal were heard, finally ending in what sounded like a small explosion.

Temari reached for her fan, but stopped herself when she saw that none of the others in the room seemed even slightly disturbed by what was going on. A few seconds later Tenten walked back out, looking like she'd just returned from a battleground. She calmly smoothed out her singed and slightly tattered kimono, then placed a perfectly unharmed tray of assorted sushi pieces in front of Temari.

"Enjoy," she said with a cheerful smile.

Temari poked tentatively at her food. "This isn't puffer fish or anything equally dangerous, is it?"

"Nope," Tenten assured her. "Date-sensei doesn't approve of killing paying customers. Apparently it's bad for business."

Still skeptical, but also still hungry, Temari popped a piece into her mouth. The next thing she knew she was on cloud nine. "This is delicious! YOU made this?"

Tenten sniffed indignantly. "I've learned a few things since I started working here."

Temari took another bite, and began coughing violently as white smoke began pouring out of her mouth. Tenten watched on with a sinister grin.

"The first thing I learned was how to get people to let their guard down when I need them to. The second thing was how to slip tiny smoke bombs into their food without them knowing it."

"Are you (cough cough) trying to kill me or something?" Temari demanded, trying to rid her body of the intruding smoke.

"Don't be silly, just be glad I didn't add caltrops or you'd really be in trouble."

Now over her coughing fits, Temari grabbed her fan and snapped it open. "Little chunin, you just lost your tip."

Tenten drew a bo staff from within her kimono, twirling it slowly. "Then I'll make you pay another way!"


Somewhere, deep within the lower reaches of the Konoha laboratories, two young scientists were busy concocting something dastardly.

"I think the muffins are ready, Ashida."

"Get back over here and help me with this, you dumbass!"

Mokoto sighed, closing the stove to the makeshift oven and made his way back to his partner. It was such a shame; Ashida never did take the time to relax and enjoy himself. Work, work, work...all the time. It just wasn't healthy for a young guy like him.

"Take that solution off the burner," the bespectacled young man commanded. "We've been working on this same project for weeks and we can't afford to mess it up now. Kami knows what the Hokage would do to us."

Removing the liquid-filled beaker from the burner, Mokoto let out a small chuckle. "Yeah, could be worse, ya know? If this stuff actually works, it'll put the Interrogation Squad out of business. I'd rather not have someone like Morino or Anko-chan ticked off at me for that."

Ashida looked up from his papers. "Anko-chan?"

He shrugged. "What? She's sexy, ya know? In a scary 'don't-fuck-with-me-or-I'll-eat-you-whole-and-not-in-a-good-way' sort of way."

"You're married." Ashida pointed out.

"So a guy can't make observations? Besides, I think my wife's starting to warm up to the ménage a trois thing. Last time I brought it up she only hit me six times instead of the usual ten."

"Have you forgotten our rule about leaving personal lives at home?"

The younger man sighed again. "Right, right... Though you know, if you just got yourself laid a few times I bet you'd have an easier time of relaxing-"

"THANK YOU, MOKOTO!" Ashida growled, making it clear that Mokoto was not to continue with his line of conversation. "Read off the rest of the ingredients to me from the list."

"Sure thing, pal," Grabbing the sheet of paper, Mokoto tallied off everything that they had done already. "Here we are: One human tear. OOWWW!"

Ashida pulled the small scalpel out of the Mokoto's leg, and then held the beaker up to his face, catching a stray tear that slipped out of his partner's eye. "One human tear...check."

"What the hell!?" Mokoto demanded, squeezing his leg in pain. "You couldn't have just held an onion up to my face? Or told me a tragic story from your childhood?!"

"Somehow, neither of them would have felt quite so satisfying." Ashida said with a grin. "Next ingredient, please?"

Still grimacing and rubbing his wound, he glanced back at the paper. "Kikaichu pheromone."

"Grab the bottle up on the shelf. It's the one with the green label," Ashida instructed, distractedly stirring the contents of the beaker.

Mokoto looked up, spying no less than twelve bottles with green labels on them. "Any chance you could narrow it down a little?"

"It says 'Kikaichu' on it, you idiot!"

"Alright, jeez what a grouch; you seriously need a woman."

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing..." Sorting through the near-identical bottles, he came to one with a very worn and faded green label. He held it up to his face for a better view. "Ki...kai...hmm, guess this is the one."

Unstopping the small bottle, Mokoto measured out a small amount and poured it into the mixture. The two men watched as the solution slowly changed into a light green color.

"So did we do it right?" he asked.

"How should I know?" Ashida asked, pushing up on the bridge of his glasses. "We've never done this before. That's what makes it an 'experiment'."

"And a silly one at that," the younger of the two commented. "Why would Tsunade-hime want us to make a truth serum of all things? It was my understanding that the Interrogation Squad enjoyed torturing answers from their victims."

"It's a last resort, I would think," Ashida replied. "Even after the most brutal torment, a person can still lie if what they know is important enough. This way they'll be able to make absolute certain that they get the information they're looking for."

"So how do we tell if it works?"

"We'll have to test it, of course."

The two men stared at each other.

"And as your senior, I've decided that you will be the one to test it."

"Nooo way, man. I've got secrets, whereas you have no life whatsoever outside of this laboratory. What possible things could you be afraid to share?"

"What secrets could you have left? You tell me every single insignificant thing that's ever happened to you already."

"Hey, I don't tell you everything. Are you really sure you want to find out what sort of things I don't tell you?"

"...All right, I'll try it!"


Mokoto watched on as Ashida slowly lifted the beaker up to his lips. Just to be on the safe side, he reminded himself that there were a few panaceas in the bottom drawer in case his partner started dying. Hopefully it would give him enough time to get him to the clinic to find a real antidote.

As the beaker was centimeters from Ashida's lips, he stopped, his face scrunched up in disgust. "What the hell is that burning smell?"

"THE MUFFINS!" Mokoto screamed in horror. Running back to the small oven, he pulled open the door, releasing a vast amount of black smoke into the unventilated room. "It's okay," he shouted with relief. "They're just gonna be a little crispy, is all."

"Forget the muffins, damnit!" Ashida tried taking a deep breath to calm himself, but only managed to inhale a lot of smoke, making his cough uncontrollably. "Can't even breathe in here anymore... Let's just get this stuff to Hokage-sama before something else goes wrong."

"You think I should bring her a muffin?"



Naruto and the others now stood before the door to Tsunade's office in the Hokage Mansion. The two men simply stood there, looking thoughtful, while the girl could only glance between them in wonder.

"Uh...aren't we supposed to go in?" she finally asked.

"Yeah," Naruto replied. "But first we need to figure out the best way to approach this." Jiraiya nodded in agreement.

"Why?" the girl asked, starting to feel fearful. "I thought you said that the Hokage would be understanding about me."

"Oh, it's not you we're worried about," the sannin muttered. "We were sort of supposed to keep in touch with Tsunade so she could be sure that Naruto was safe and out of danger. We uh...kind of forgot to write for the last three months. And if she happens to be in a bad mood today..."

"I told you not to drink all of that sake last night," Naruto told him.

"Quit griping, brat. If you hadn't been so stingy with your money we could have bought more."

The girl shivered. "Do I really want to meet this woman?"

Naruto laughed. "Aw, don't worry. She's not really that bad. I mean, sure she's a little violent."

"And short-tempered," Jiraiya added.

The door behind them opened. Neither man noticed.

"And freakishly powerful," Naruto continued.

"And lazy."

"And an alcoholic."

"And a gambling addict."

"And hearing everything you're saying about her," a voice from behind them added.

Both men froze where they stood, neither even bothering to turn around.

"Our luck can't be that bad, can it?" Naruto wondered aloud.

Jiraiya felt pretty certain that it could. The menacing aura was present, and he was faintly aware of the sound of a large vein throbbing from the person's forehead. But just to be certain, he slowly reached backward with his hand, having it come to rest on something soft and very large.

"Yep, I'm ninety-nine percent sure we're going to be killed," he confirmed.

"Then what the hell are you doing groping her, you stupid perv!" Naruto demanded in a low whisper.

"A guy has the right to die happy, doesn't he?" he asked with a weak grin.

Naruto turned back to the girl. "If I don't make it out alive, tell my friends...that I died with honor."

He didn't get a response, as the next moment found both men being lifted up by their throats and carried unceremoniously into the room. Once she let them go, they turned, and saw just how utterly pissed the Godaime really was. Naruto wasn't certain, but he could have almost sworn that he heard the Kyubi give a small whimper at the sight of her from deep within him.

It was time to get desperate.

"Wow, Tsunade-er...sama," he started gushing. "You're really looking young today! It's like you've actually grown three- no, TEN years younger since we left instead of getting older!"

Tsunade bent over until she was face to face with the boy. "Naruto," she said softly as she held her fingers up to his face, studying him intently.

"Yeah?" he asked hopefully.

"Too late," she said before landing a solid punch right across his chin, sending him rocketing through a closed window and into the horizon.

Tsunade turned back, finding the spot that Jiraiya had been occupying empty. Undauntedly, she reached and grabbed a seemingly handful of air. "That jutsu doesn't work against me, remember?"

Slowly, the old man came back into view, sweating profusely. "I uh...I know you're angry that I never wrote...but I do want you to know that I never stopped thinking about you! All those lonely nights when I went to those brothels I always envisioned that I was with you."

Tsunade cracked her knuckles.

"And um...and that I've been taking excellent care of Naruto. T-turned him into quite the upstanding young gentleman."

She took two steps backward, measuring where she was aiming.

"...I don't suppose you could do an old teammate a favor and knock me through the hole that Naruto made?"

Three seconds later, a large hole appeared in the brick wall right beside the broken window.

Sighing in relief, Tsunade turned back to the door, for the first time noticing the girl that was still standing there, frozen in fright. Tsunade could feel the fear coming from the girl, and decided that a simple question would be best to start with.

"Are you wearing Naruto's clothes?"

The girl fidgeted under the woman's stare. "Y-yeah."

"Any particular reason?" she asked.

"Um...I can explain. It's kind of a long story though..."

Tsunade brushed a hand through her hair. "Well, come in, sit down and let's talk then."

The two moved into the room. The girl flinched at the sight of the two large holes in the wall that her companions had made.

"Don't worry, they'll be back soon," Tsunade told her. "But while we wait, let's hear your story. What's your name, girl?"

She sat down in a chair in front of Tsunade's desk, took a deep breath, and spoke.

"My name is Tsuchi Kin..."


After spiraling out of control for close to a full minute, Naruto finally made a painful landing, skidding to a halt in the middle of a street.

"Uzumaki's back," someone idly commented.

"So it would seem," another agreed.

"Causing trouble already," came another voice.

"So much for peacefulness."

Naruto paid them no mind, choosing instead to lay in a heap on the ground and twitch a little bit.

"Somehow, this wasn't the homecoming I'd hoped for. Baka Ero-Sennin," he grumbled.

"Well well, so the rumors were true, I see."

Clearing his vision and glancing up, Naruto realized that there was a girl standing over him. The first thing he noticed about her was the long blonde hair, most of which was pulled back into a ponytail, and the rest falling down over a very attractive face. She was also wearing a tight-fitting purple shirt and matching skirt. And from his view on the ground beneath her, he was also able to see within the skirt to the pair of black-

His hands shot up to his face, squeezing his nose like a vice grip. "I-Ino, you're um-"

"So, recognized me after all this time, huh?" she cut in, apparently ignorant to his crisis. "I wasn't expecting that." She struck a pose, inadvertently giving him an even better look up her skirt. "What do you think? I'm something else, aren't I?"

She didn't get an answer, as Naruto's eyes had glazed over and the smallest bit of blood began seeping through his plugged nose.

Finally noticing his plight, Ino moved to kneel down beside him. "What's wrong with you? Still dizzy from that crash landing you had? What was that anyway? ...Hellllooo?"

Now free of bad images and ecchi thoughts, Naruto returned to his senses. "S-sorry. Yeah, uh...dizzy."

Ino giggled and helped him to his feet. "Well come on, Sakura's been waiting for you forever, you know?"

Naruto's eyes lit up a bit at that declaration. "Really? She has?" But then he remembered. "Wait, I have to go talk to Tsunade-baachan first about-"

"Oh let it wait," she prodded. "Shikamaru and Choji are supposed to be waiting at the new restaurant for me. Sakura's going to be there in a bit, too. We'll just make it a big welcome back party for you."

"But wait, this is really import- whoa! Slow down!"

As Ino began dragging Naruto away, someone slowly poked her head around the corner of the building that she had been hiding behind.

"N-Naruto-kun, you're really back," Hyuga Hinata whispered, unable to keep the blush off of her face.



A/N: I've updated this little summary here on the Harem situation, and it looks a bit like this:

Inner Circle (or women that will have a major romantic interest with Naruto (and vice versa))

Sakura, Ino, Hinata, Kin, Temari, Tenten

Outer Circle (or women who will NOT have a major romantic interest with Naruto (and vise versa) but will still have some effect on the story itself)

Anko, Kurenai, Shizune, Tsunade, Ayame

This means that if a girl isn't listed in one of these two lists, then she is either not going to have impact on the story, or more likely, won't be in the story at all. (This means Hana, Tayuya, Yugato, Hanabi or anyone else you can think of)

Now, for a few final notes (though they may sound more like rants):

I believe that Kyubi is a male. I also believe that he is an evil, bloodthirsty demon who would never in a million years fall in love with Naruto (or any other human) for any conceivable reason. I simply can not see a believable reason for why or, more importantly, how it would happen. That being the case, I calmly ask you to NOT ask, request, demand or threaten that I include him in this harem-fic. I simply will not do it.

Likewise, I believe that Haku is a guy. Just like I believe that Naruto is a guy, just like I believe that Deidara is a guy, just like I believe that every person in the Naruto-verse who doesn't require the use of a henge to grow boobs is a guy. I realize that Haku is incredibly girly, but to me at least, being girly and being a girl are completely different things. That said, I calmly ask you to NOT ask, request, demand or threaten that I include him or any other Fem-males in this harem-fic. I simply will not do it.

(Whew) I think that covers the basis of the harem side of this story, so about this chapter in particular...

The word for 'boss' in Japanese is typically 'bosu', but Tenten referred to her boss as 'kumichou', which is a term usually used for the leader of violence groups like the Yakuza, which would make it a bit of an insult to say to anyone else.

Also, bonus points to anyone who can guess which historical Japanese figure the statue in the restaurant was of. There are plenty of hints.

That's all for now. I hope you liked the first part. Til next time.