A/N: So you now know how crazy about Naruto my friends and I are. This is the results of the challenge listed on my bio page so please try the challenge. To get the full effect of the humor in this story, you must read the challenge conditions below that we made up a month ago, in preparation for this. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I don't even own one of the sand sibs like Kataiko-chan and Tsukiko-chan think they do. It's very disappointing.

1. Sasuke must become physically and/or mentally five years old. (Five year old mind and body or five year old mind and twelve/fifteen year old body or twelve/fifteen year old mind and five year old body)

2. The story must take place after Sasuke unlocks the Sharingan.

3. Sasuke must become very attached to Naruto.

4. Sakura baby-sits with disastrous consequences.

5. Someone other than Sasuke develops the avenger-complex. (In other words, someone else must say the line: "I am an Avenger!")

6. Five year old Sasuke saves someone from anything by accident.

7. Sasuke and Kakashi prank Naruto's ramen.

8. Sasuke gets a hold of one of Kakashi's books, and someone takes it away from him AND has to try to explain to him why Sasuke shouldn't read that type of book.

9. Ino slaps Sasuke.

10. Use the quote "I See Dead People" from The Sixth Sense.


Original Dark Angel

Chapter 1: The Wild Sharingan

Naruto was the only one in Sasuke's room today. Kakashi-Sensei and Sakura were at their respective homes getting some sleep until it was their shift to watch their sleeping comrade, leaving Naruto as a temporary babysitter. So he was the first one to see Sasuke's eyes fly open as the other boy emitted a terrified scream. But it didn't stop at that. Sasuke kept on screaming, throwing his arms up to protect his face and cover his eyes. Naruto hit the call button, just in case the screams weren't enough to draw the medic's attention, and leapt onto the bed trying to hold Sasuke still. All of this movement was really bad for the broken ribs, and Sasuke shouldn't be using his broken wrist at all. Yet Sasuke fought him like the devil, but since he wouldn't take his hands away from his eyes, he was at a disadvantage. Naruto pinned him to the bed, and used all of his weight to keep him there.

Then Tsunade was there, and she shoved him out of the way. Immediately Sasuke started fighting again, and the old woman couldn't restrain his feral thrashing. Sasuke hit the floor crying out in pain, with both hands firmly clamped over his eyes. Naruto caught him and held him firmly to his chest, daring the woman to make him let go this time. Sasuke went limp, and the Tsunade pulled his hands away from his eyes. Wild dark red orbs stared insanely at them, and with another devastating shriek, Sasuke tried to cover them. When he failed, he screamed "Too bright! It hurts!" By now tears were running down his face, something Naruto didn't think possible with the sharingan, let alone from Sasuke. The screaming continued as if Sasuke couldn't close his eyes against the light, so Naruto knocked the stupid old hag's hands away. Sasuke immediately covered his eyes again, and Naruto laid a protective arm across them as well. Before he could speak, Sasuke sobbed, "Where is my mother? I want my mother."

Naruto stared in horror at the broken boy. "Sasuke-kun, do you know who I am?"

"No," Sasuke wailed. "I want my mother, and my father, and my aniki!"

Naruto didn't know what to say to that, and apparently neither did the new Hokage. Finally four words tumbled from his mouth. "How old are you?"


Kakashi was pacing the small confines of the hospital room, having the worst time trying to focus on what Tsunade was trying to say to him when his student was lying so helplessly on the hospital bed. If what Naruto had described was real . . . Kakashi had been worried by the long time it had taken Sasuke to wake after Tsunade had healed him . . . what had Itachi done that even the new hokage, the most talented medical nin, couldn't fix?

"Kakashi! Focus," Tsunade commanded. "Sasuke has suffered something unspeakable that has destroyed his mind. He sincerely believes himself to be five years old and his memory stops there, when his parents were killed. But whatever he saw in his mind must have been even worse than that, and he was trapped in the loop for the mental equivalent of a week. He couldn't pull himself out of the loop which was why he remained in the coma for so long."

Kakashi looked at his student. "Why the blindfold?"

"The light hurts his eyes and everything he sees is enough to send him into a panic attack. Essentially, he's five years old and his eyes are colored with blood. No child should have the sharingan." The healer bit her lip. "Kakashi, he managed the first time around alone. If he's left to his own devices again, someone will find him splattered at the bottom of a cliff."

"Do you think I would do that to him?" Kakashi thundered. "I was steps away from moving in with him as it was. I don't intend to leave him alone for even a moment. Whoever thought orphaned boys could survive on their own, should have tried it for themselves."

A broken sob cut him short. It only took a few moments for Sasuke to curl in on himself defensively. Kakashi realized that it would take much longer to soothe him out of it. He moved to sit on the bed next to the child. "Sasuke? Sasuke, listen to me," he ordered. "My name is Kakashi. I am your guardian. I'm here to protect you." After ten minutes of soft one-sided conversation, Kakashi deserved it safe to try something else and lay a hand on Sasuke's shoulder. The boy stiffened abruptly, but Kakashi didn't pull away. Carefully, he straightened out Sasuke's body without pausing in his words. He hadn't realized when Tsunade left, and by the time Naruto and Sakura appeared for their shift, Kakashi's voice was gone, but it was worth it, because Sasuke was asleep again.

The entire hospital was awoken by the screams. Kakashi was the only one to recognize the voice. He arrived in time to see Naruto pulling Sakura away from the corner where Sasuke was blindly trying to hide. Kakashi ordered them both to sit down and shut up. He approached the previously screaming, now sobbing bundle of cloth and boy, and began the process of untangling Sasuke from the covers that hadn't stayed on the bed. Eventually, he scooped up the boy and crossed the room to sit next to Naruto with Sasuke on his lap. The boy was stiff but after a half hour of meaningless conversation between Kakashi and Naruto, he relaxed and his head eventually came to rest on Kakashi's shoulder in sleep. Yet the teacher never set the boy down. Sakura was the one to ask why, but Naruto was the one most affected by the answer. "How often has Sasuke allowed himself comfort? Why should it be denied to him now?"

"What do we do now, Kakashi-Sensei?" Naruto asked. "Itachi will come back for Sasuke. There are other enemies."

"No one is to ever know," Kakashi ordered. "We will continue to take him with us to training and on missions. One of us will serve as his bodyguard while the other two perform the mission. What little contact he has to the village will cease, and no one outside this team and the Hokage is to know that Sasuke is little more than a child."

Naruto was diligent in his assignment to block the village's view of Sasuke. The black-out curtains that protected Sasuke's sharingan-enhanced vision helped, but every once in awhile there was a more dedicated and creative fangirl than usual. Naruto had just prevented a team of three from scaling the hospital wall and evicted another one from the ventilation system. By the time Sasuke was cleared to leave the hospital, Naruto became a nervous wreck. It had taken every last ounce of his prankster skill to stay a few seconds ahead of the fangirls.

Kakashi was going over the last of the paperwork with Tsunade before they could take Sasuke to their predetermined location of residence . . . also known as Naruto's apartment. Sakura was currently there making the place habitable for humans, so Naruto was alone with Sasuke when he finally slumped into a chair by the other boy's bedside.

"You need fewer fan girls," Naruto grumbled. "Getting rid of them should be considered a B-ranked mission at the very least."

Sasuke's head tilted to the side. "Who are you again?"

"Naruto, one of your teammates, remember?"

"Hatake Kakashi-Sensei is my teacher. Haruno Sakura and Uzamaki Naruto are my teammates," Sasuke recited. "I'm twelve years old, and a member of Team 7, and my sharingan was damaged when I faced my ani-Uchiha Itachi, an s-class missing-nin."

Naruto frowned. "So if you knew that, why did you ask?"

"Cause I couldn't see what you looked like with the blindfold on," Sasuke offered simply. Said blindfold was clutched in Sasuke's fist, and his tired black eyes met Naruto's with a shrug. The sharingan still appeared and disappeared at random intervals, but Sasuke hadn't needed the blindfold yet this morning and it was the first time since the brief battle with Itachi that Naruto had seen his comrade's black eyes instead of the wild red sharingan or the blindfold.

"Sorry. I forgot." Naruto disliked apologizing to Sasuke, but his teammate, who had at least two inches on him in height, just looked so small.

"Why do those girls keep trying to get in?"

"Eh. They want to make sure you're okay."


"They're your fan girls, completely obsessed, and willing to kill anything in their way." Naruto realized that his words may not have been the most comforting, as Sasuke's eyes widened, the tiniest tinge of red appearing. "But I'm here to keep them out, so you should rest until Kakashi-Sensei comes in to take you home."

"Back to the clan's compound?" came the hesitant whisper.

"Nope," Naruto grinned widely. "My house."

Sasuke's eyes went even larger. "Kakashi-Sensei! Kakashi-Sensei!"

Naruto frowned in confusion and their sensei looked in on them. "Yes, Sasuke?"

"Are you going to leave me with him?" the dark haired boy pointed at Naruto, the look on his face a priceless one of horror. "He doesn't even wash his clothes!"

Naruto looked down at the long black smudge stain down the front of his jacket. "That's from chasing your fan girl out of the ventilation system, you gaki! It would serve you right if I just let them all swarm your room and sigh over 'Poor Sasuke-kun' like they've been trying to do for the last week and a half!"

"Naruto. That's enough." Kakashi had grabbed his shoulder before Naruto could reach the spoiled prince on the bed. "He's only a child, so you will treat him as such rather than your rival. Are we clear?"

Naruto glared at Sasuke, ignoring the other boy's trembling bottom lip, and growled, "Crystal, Kakashi-Sensei."

"Good. Sasuke, we are both staying in Naruto's house and Sakura will visit. You won't have to worry about the state of the house. Sakura is taking care of that now. You will obey Naruto when he is in charge, Sakura when she is in charge, and they will take care of you. They are doing you a favor and you should be more polite."

Sasuke stuck his chin out stubbornly. "An Uchiha is above-"

"Your clan is gone, Sasuke. If I hear one of their outdated and biased sayings come out of your mouth again, I'll leave you to the mercy of Naruto. Do you understand?"

Sasuke's mouth snapped shut, and his eyes got impressively large as if he were about to cry, when Sakura-by the gift of women's appearing at exactly the right time to distract children-breezed through the door with the happy call of, "I'm finished, Kakashi-Sensei."

Kakashi smirked, slipped out the door, and left the pair to come to their own understanding with Sakura to act as mediator.

The moment the door closed behind Kakashi, Sasuke wrenched his eyes from the vivid pink of this girl's hair, and promptly burst into tears. It got the reaction he wanted from the pink-haired girl, but the blonde boy just stared at him. Sasuke began to wail in earnest, and the girl that he could only assume was Sakura immediately flung her arms around him and rocked him back and forth. Despite nearly choking on the pink hair shoved into his face, he maintained his gut-wrenching fit until the blonde started to fidget uncomfortably. It didn't take nearly as long as it took to get Itachi to cave.

"What's the matter, Sasuke-chan?" the girl crooned in his ear.

Sasuke made a face into her shoulder before letting out a whimper. "He . . . he hates . . . me." He proceeded to point an accusing finger back behind him at Naruto. From the soft whimper of fear, Sasuke knew that Naruto was in trouble with Sakura even if he couldn't see their faces. Mission complete. Now what else, could Sasuke get out of this?

By the time that Kakashi had returned, Naruto was sulking in a corner, muttering about spoiled brats. Sakura had disappeared to find Sasuke something to eat, and Sasuke was entertaining himself with Naruto's kunai. Kakashi's lecture on giving small children sharp objects could wait until they got home though. The possibility of Sasuke injuring himself was probably the reason that Naruto gave Sasuke the knives to begin with. In any event, there was a lot to do as soon as night fell. They had to get Sasuke's things from the Uchiha compound, get home, and feed the three something before sending the three gennin to bed. Just this once, it probably wouldn't hurt Sasuke to stay up late.

Kakashi carried Sasuke once the boy got tired. Naruto and Sakura accompanied them on this trip. All they needed were Sasuke's things. This mission was done undercover of night, and Sasuke was asleep by the time they reached the Uchiha home. Once inside, Kakashi laid him on the low couch and draped a blanket over him. Silently, he and Naruto headed for Sasuke's room, while Sakura remained with Sasuke.

She wasn't prepared for when his eyes snapped open, a blood red and he started to scream. She tried to hold him the way that Kakashi-sensei did and desperately whispered in his ear, "Hush, Sasuke-chan. No one can see or hear!"

Sasuke just stared over her shoulder in horror, unable to drag his eyes away. "The blood! It's everywhere!" He cowered back into the couch. "I cleaned it. I cleaned it all! Why is it still there?"

Kakashi and Naruto came flying into the room, kunai at the ready, Kakashi's sharingan eye bared already. Could he see what Sasuke was seeing? He turned pale as he surveyed the walls. "Sakura-chan! Get him out of here!"

As she pulled at the boy, she wailed, "I can't! He won't move."

Naruto pushed past her and actually hauled Sasuke off the couch, locking his grip under the taller boy's arms. Half-carrying, half-dragging Sasuke out the front door, he tripped and fell, taking Sasuke with him. By now Sasuke had a death grip around Naruto's neck, which made it impossible for either of them to move. Sasuke remained upset, until Sakura whipped off her forehead protector and tied it as a blindfold on the afflicted teammate. Finally Sasuke calmed and released Naruto enough for them to sit up.

Kakashi appeared from the house with a bag thrown over one should. He looked at them, and then around before giving Sakura a grim nod. He handed the bag to her and scooped up Sasuke. "Let's get out of here before anyone arrives to investigate. Speed and stealth are our top priorities until we reach Naruto's house."

Once safe, Kakashi sat on the couch in Naruto's living room with Sasuke's head in his lap as the boy slept. They had replaced Sakura's headband with a fresh blindfold upon returning to protect his vision if he woke up, but for now he was peacefully asleep, the only state where Sasuke was completely calm since his confrontation with Itachi. He finally looked up at Sakura and Naruto. "Your questions?"

"What was wrong with Sasuke?" Naruto asked, eyes narrowed at his former teammates.

"He woke up with Sharingan," Kakashi said softly as if it explained everything. To his students, it must not have since they were looking at him in confusion. "What happened in Sasuke's house seven years ago?" he prompted.

"His clan was killed," Sakura answered promptly, but in a whisper and only after a quick look to make sure that Sasuke was still asleep.

"And their chakra-filled blood was splattered across both walls and floor. A developed sharingan can see the chakra stain even after the blood's been washed away, and after what Sasuke did, he probably has memorized the stains to the point where all he can see is the blood."

"What did Sasuke-kun do?" The broken boy's words came back to Sakura. "He didn't . . . he wasn't the one to clean it, was he?'

"By the time shinobi were sent to investigate the missing people it was over twenty-four hours after the slaughter. They arrived to find bodies everywhere and the building soaked with blood, but the walls were spotless. Only Sasuke survived and he was taken to the hospital, but when he woke up, he ran away. Half of the shinobi were searching for him. In the innermost room of the compound, the Third Hokage found a small child scrubbing the last of the blood from the walls, four feet from where his parents' corpses had lain. He fought like a demon to finish his task," Kakashi petted his charge's hair gently. "He was taken back to the hospital, but within a week, he returned to his home and lived there ever since."

"Sasuke-kun," Sakura whimpered.

Naruto leapt up. "They let a five-year-old go back there all alone? And they call me baka!" he muttered returning to his seat when Sasuke started to stir. When the boy settled, he continued. "They call me idiot, they who would do such a stupid thing."

"They did it to you too, Naruto," Kakashi reminded him. "You were the same age when you lived alone."

"I hadn't watched the slaughter of my entire clan and washed their blood from the walls of my home with my own hands," Naruto growled, his eyes turning red. "No wonder Sasuke is a jerk after a nightmare such as that!"

"Calm down, Naruto," Kakashi ordered. "Go to bed and get some sleep. There will be training first thing tomorrow morning."