CUZ!!!

Or...

Most of the Deaths in the Play Comprised into a Few Minutes!

A/N: Yeah, so… was watching a performance of Romeo and Juliet, and noticed… both Tybalt and Benvolio are cousins to our protagonists! Amazing! So, obviously, instead of studying my French, (hehe, I'm evil,) I absolutely HAVE to write a horrible fanfiction! YAY!

Well, it was another beautiful day in Verona. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and the Capulets and Montagues were having at it again. This time, it was 'cause a servant in the service of the Capulets had done some stupid, crude, idiotic symbol of rudeness or something like that, a symbol which has no ties to today, and thus confuses every high school student who studies the play. ANYWHO…

Yeah, so people were fighting. It was possible there was blood, but let's face it, in today's modern society, who needs more blood? Plus, it's just so messy! When it coagulates, and sticks to everything, and trust me, it's impossible to get out of your nice white socks… just not necessary.

Back to the actual story… so, fight, ick, all that good stuff. Then this dude, a Montague named Benvolio, was all like, "Uh, yeah, stop…" And then this other guy, a Capulet named Tybalt, which is pronounced 'Tibbult', was all like, "Dude, I hate you, and that one word, peace, and Montagues, and you, and you, and you, and you, and…" until finally Benvolio just smacked him across the back of the head, and Tybalt got out his sword thing, which, by the way, (pardon me for this one, everyone,) is just so male.

So, yeah, they fought, and it was all like, 'clash, clash, bang, clash, boom, ect.'. Well, not really 'ect.', because that isn't a sound. But yeah. It was loud, and the certain persons in the audience who were sound-sensitive clamped their hands over their ears.

But then, the male protagonist of our play, Romeo, burst onto the stage. He had, while this fight was going on, gotten married to this one chick, Juliet. But that's a whole other story! Anywho, he was all like, "Uh, cuz, stop it! Stop fighting!" Cuz, by the way, is the kindergartener way of spelling a short version of 'cousin'. Good old Shakespeare. Knew exactly how to spell like a six year old.

Then both of the two fighting males (huh, what else would they be. Okay, not that funny…) stopped fighting. Actually, only Benvolio did. "What's up, cuz?" He called, suddenly oblivious to the outraged Tybalt, who was still swinging his sword. "Ouch!"

Yep, Tybalt had injured Benvolio. Or course, it was just a little nick on the finger, like a paper cut, but do you have any idea how much paper cuts hurt? A lot!

"Hey, cuz, I said stop!"

"I did, Romeo!" protested Benvolio, the injured finger in his mouth.

"No, not you, you ninny, I meant my other cuz!"

"What other cuz?!" Benvolio looked around wildly. He was very insecure about his position as Romeo's cousin, resulting from a bizarre and highly disturbing event in his childhood that the author does not have time to recount. Plus, it would cause poor Benvolio such horrid flashbacks, and may induce vomiting or cruel comments from the audience.

"That other cuz!" Romeo pointed to Tybalt. He should have been more aware of his blood-cousin's fragile mental state concerning the aforementioned cousin's insecurities concerning the all-around cousin-ality of the cousin in relation to the protagonist, who was actually a cousin to both cousins, making the cousins cousins to each other in a very round-about, bizarre, highly-complex way. (Confused yet? Me too.) However, the cousin to both cousins was just newly married to a girl he hadn't even met twenty-four hours ago, so he was a little bit confused.

"Wha… wha… wha… WHAT?!" Benvolio's face screwed up, and big tears literally the size of your fist leaked from the corners of his eyes, an interesting phenomenon because tears come from the tear ducts, which are not located at the corners of your eyes.

"WHAT?!" Tybalt froze, dropped his sword in shock, (finally!) and stared at Romeo. "WHAT?!" he repeated.

"Uh… yeah…" Romeo bit his lip nervously.

"H… how could you, Romeo?" Benvolio, who had, at this point, basically lost all function of his tear ducts, his eyes, and his nasal capacities, said. What I just said was he was sobbing uncontrollably, couldn't see because of the tears, and his nose was running. Ew. There go his chances of dating.

"What? I love her!" Romeo snapped, further damaging the mental state of both of his current cousins, who were also cousins to each other, and Romeo's bride, who we will refer to in the future as 'The Biggest Mistake of Romeo's Life' or 'OOPS!'. That is to say, 'OOPS', who wasn't there, (breaking the news to Mother and Father, she may get her own fanfic in the future, but for today, we're dealing with the boys…) was not mentally rendered to a trillion bits and pieces, a state perfect to feed more horrifying information to the destroyed brain, but that she was related to the two disturbed cousins.

"She?! Not that TWIT you were fawning over earlier!" Benvolio had gone from confusion and anxiety to anxiety and anger, to anger and agitation.

"NO! Not that one!"

"Who, then?! A DIFFERENT TWIT?! Or…" Benvolio's eyes widened in astonishment. "You meant to say 'he' in reference to him…" the disturbed cousin, who was ranting at the minute, as opposed to the other disturbed cousin, who was just standing there with his jaw hanging open, raised a shaky hand, finger pointing to the other, silent disturbed cousin, the one who was NOT directly related to the pointing disturbed cousin. "You… wanted to be related to the perfect male, so you found it in him!" Benvolio dropped his hand, and his head drooped, which is the same thing except with a different number of 'o's and 'p's.

There was no response to this except a dry heaving. A few moments later, Romeo reappeared, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Uh, no. Sick. EW!" Romeo shivered.

Meanwhile, Tybalt had backed up considerably, and was now grasping a wooden pole with all his might, whispering to himself, reminding himself of a happy place.

"No, you got it all wrong!" continued Romeo. "I married a girl. Juliet, oops, I mean OOPS."

"WHAT?!" Benvolio cried, feeling undermined by Romeo's new female companion.

"WHAT?!" Tybalt, mostly silent until now, roared, flinging his arms up in despair and shock. Unfortunately, the dagger he had hidden up his sleeve came flying out. Now, as any good science student knows, according to one of Newton's laws, the first one, I believe, anything in motion will remain in motion unless stopped by force. That force, in this case, was the back of Benvolio and Romeo's friend, Mercutio.

"Uh, ouch," said Mercutio dully before slumping over in a lifeless heap.

"ROMEO! ROMEO! WHEREFORE ART THOU, ROMEO! Oh, here you are!" Benvolio cried, misinterpreting his own sentence. He crumpled at Romeo's feet in a heap of sobbing, sniveling mass of human flesh. "Did you see that, did you see what your new 'cuz' did? He killed Mercutio, our nice friend, good friend, he's dead, and there's an icky, disgusting, repulsive, smelly corpse in the street! OH, HELP ME, ROMEO! I'M SCARED OF DEAD PEOPLE!"

"CUZ! COME HERE!" Romeo roared.

"I'm already here, Romeo," protested Benvolio in a whiny voice.

"NOT YOU, YOU NITWIT!"

"Oh. Meep. Uh…"

"GO HOME!"

"FINE!" Benvolio's face quickly turned from the white it had been to a vivid purple. "NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL JUST LOOK FOR A THERAPIST, LOOK FOR SOME PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND ME!"

"GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ONE!" Romeo cried to Benvolio's retreating back. Of course, Benvolio wasn't allowed to cross streets by himself, (which is why he was always with Mercutio or Romeo,) so he just sat sullenly down on the sidewalk.

Tybalt, meanwhile, had come up to his new cousin, not the one that wasn't allowed to cross the street, and had said, "Yes, Romeo?" very calmly. Obviously, he had lost his mind, it had broken in the shock of finding out he was kinsman to his hated enemy, and that he had become a murderer.

"Well, sorry about this, 'cuz', thought it would all work out in the end, thought we were gonna get a miracle and everything was going to be fine, but-" THUNK. Romeo's dagger plunged into Tybalt's back.

"Um… ouch?" asked the obviously insane Tybalt.

"Yep. Ouch," replied Romeo.

"Oh. OUCH!"

"Hm… what next?" wondered Romeo aloud, standing in the street with Tybalt's still body in front of him. "Oh yeah! I forgot! For our honeymoon, OOPS and I have decided to go all out and kill ourselves. Great! Still love the idea. I think it was mine… no, Friar Lawrence's… Oh well…" He ran off to commit suicide with his twenty-four hour bride, and, well, we all know how that story ends.

Benvolio, meanwhile, even more disturbed by his cousin's cold-blooded killing of his cousin, then his cousin's descsion to kill himself and his other cousin, broke the number one rule (don't cross the street by yourself), not just once, not twice, but forty-eight thousand times! Yes, he ran off to Croatia, where he lived in a deep, empty well for the rest of his little, inane, insane life.

YEP, FOLKS, IT WAS A HAPPY ENDING!

WHEE!

A/N: Yep, a fanfic on the most well known fanfic of all time. No one can hold a candle to good ole Shakespeare! BTW, I really did like the play, just was really bored. Hehe… I'm so evil… oh, review! I would love it; it's better than my birthday! WHOOP!