The Americanized Harry Potter Movie Script Page

Legal stuff - The whole Harry Potter nine yards is owned lock stock and barrel by J.K.Rowling. This is just a fanfic, no copyright challenge implied or attempted or anything. So, go away lawyers. G'wan, scat! This script (C) 2000 Terry Smith all rights reserved.

God, I hope they don't dumb down and relocate the books for the movie to please Yank audiences... But in case they DO... here's my outline to The Americanized Harry Potter Movie script!

The Americanized Harry Potter Movie

HARRY POTTER and the BIG GAME

Ron - Mat Daemon - "Gosh Harry! You're the youngest quarterback on the Hogwarts University Squared-Jawed Heroes Flying Football Team in - how many years?"

Harry - Leonardo DeCaprio - "About a century - Look, Fred and George have already painted my scar on my helmet! Gee I hope we can win The Big Game against Sytherin University's team, the Sytherin Scum Sucking Slime!!"

(selected scenes)

Albus Dumbldore - Hulk Hogan - "You first years take your vitamins and say your prayers and you can grow up to be a big strong Wizard like me! ARRRGHH!!! " (tears off pre-ripped robes, fights Mountain Troll ending in exciting body slam. Sings hit single from soundtrack CD 'You can't beat an AMERICAN School!" (note - voice dubbed) )

Minerva McGonagall - Cher - "Transformations is some of the most dangerous magic you can ever perform - you've got to be (music comes up) Strong enough...Yeah, I'm Strong enough... " (class breaks into choreographed routine for second hit single from soundtrack CD)

Severus Snape - Headmaster Hogwart's rival Sytherin U - Anthony Hopkins - "In this potion you add liver with a nice Chablies...Hisssss"

Harry - "There's something funny about that whole U"

Snape - "Five points for cheek, Potter!"

Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher - Prof Kenny - Bruce Willis - "You gotta SQUINT like this - hrrrrrrr...."

Class - "hrrrrrr..."

Draco Malfoy (rival quarterback Sytherin Scum-Sucking Slime Flying Football team) - Matt Dillon - "Soon, imperialist lackey of the West - you will pay! Soon!"

Harry - "There's something funny about that whole U"

Snape - "Five points for cheek, Potter!"

(The day of the Big Game)

Hermione - Britney Spears (in cheerleader outfit with big H on chest) - "Today's the Big Game - where's Harry?"(Sings third hit single from soundtrack CD "Where's my hero?" with other cheerleaders)

Ron - "I don't know - say, Fred and George, where's Harry"

Fred - Ice Cube, cleaning gunwand - "Yo yo yo! He say he gonna check on Professah Kenny be suspsiiouc o' the Sytherin Scum team!"

George - O'l Dirty Bastard, also cleaning gunwand - "What it is! We go pop a cap in Sytherin's ass today!" ('sing' fourth hit single rap song from the soundtrack CD breaks out - "I go pop pop pop make the mofos stop!" )

Harry and Ron (in Hogwarts Square Jawed Heroes Flying Football Team uniforms) in the bushes sneaking up on the Sytherin team, lead by Snape. They are all making some dark magical device behind the school. They have a prisoner.

Ron - soto voice - "Its Professor Kenny! He's been captured!"

Harry - soto voice - "What are they making?"

Snape (gloating) - " And what is THIS I'm magically inserting into a common football Professor Kenny (sneer) ?"

Prof Kenny - "It's - It's a VOLDERMORT 2000 ATOMIC BOMB! You're gonna blow up HOGWARTS! (squinting) Hrrrrrrr...."

Ron - soto voice - "Those dirty snakes! (squinting) Hrrrrrrrrr......"

Prof Kenny - "But WHY are you doing this?"

Prof Snape - "Why ?? You ask why ?? It's because I am (whips on checkered scarf like Yasser Arafat has) an ARAB TERRORIST!

Sytherin team (whipping on scarves) - "We're ALL Arab Terrorists !!! "

Snape - "After we win the Big Game and make our escape, this decedent school will be destroyed, thereby advancing our evil cause !! HAHA!"

Draco and team (in uniform for game - no scarves ) "HAHA!"

Ron and Harry, leaping out of the bushes - "Not if WE can help it!"

Prof Kenny breaks free!!

Slow motion Matrix -style wandfight breaks out. After they stomp whole team and Prof Kenny kills Snape in a dramatic and heroic manner and all seems won, Draco Malfoy stabs Prof Kenny in the back and runs away with the rest of the Sytherin team and the football/bomb.

Prof Kenny - "Gasp - this is it - you gotta - win the Big Game - only way to stop the VOLDERMORT gasp..... " (dies)

Ron - "Oh My God! They've Killed Professor Kenny!"

Harry - "YOU BASTARDS!"

Ron and Harry hurry to the field.

Hermione - "Squeal! HE'S HERE!!" does pom pom routine gimme an H etc..

Harry and Ron puts on their Magic Cleats and run up into the air (note to readers: this would actually be pretty cool)

Scoreboard reads 20 - 0 for Sytherin. 1 minute to play.

Harry - in QB position of 3D football formation - "23! 54! 32! hut hut hut ! " Throws touchdown pass to Ron. According to the rules of movie football TD counts for seven points and they get the ball back.

Harry - "37! 42! 21! hut hut hut ! " Throws another 7 point touchdown pass to Ron. Gets ball/bomb back.

Harry - 45! 56! 71! hut hut hut ! " Throws winning touchdown pass - BUT - Draco Malfoy FOULS Ron and intercepts!

Draco - "HA!" Draco starts running towards Hogwarts goal line! (or plane actually) The Hogwarts Square-Jawed Heroes try to stop him but Draco breaks all tackles! Suddenly only HARRY is between him and the goal plane!

Draco - "Ha Ha! Soon I will kill you - JUST LIKE I KILLED YOUR PARENTS !!! "

Harry - "YOU killed... ?" In a superhuman surge of energy, Harry hits Draco with a huge tackle! The ball/bomb springs free!

Slo-mo as Harry and Draco struggle for ball/bomb !

Harry gets the ball/bomb !

Harry begins to run back towards the Sytherin goal plane!

Enraged Draco right after him! The clock is running out!

Harry breaks all Sytherin Tackles ! He's crazy!

Harry - "Mom - Dad ... sob... "

Harry is about to cross the Sytherin goal plane! Draco is about the tackle Harry! There's one second on the clock !

RON comes out of nowhere to block Draco !

Draco - "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

HARRY SCORES WINNING TOUCHDOWN !!

Draco and whole Scum Suckers team - "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Crowd - "Yay!"

Football/bomb disappears.

Sytherin team all die horrible cowardly deaths in ensuing fight with crowd.

Harry and rest of team come to the ground.

Hermione rushes to Harry's arms!

Hermione - "I love you Harry ! "

Harry - "I love you too, Hermione ! "

They kiss. Star Spangled Banner starts playing and lots of American flags appear out of nowhere and start waving, because this is not just a victory, damnit! It's an AMERICAN victory!

The End

Note - apologies to all parties for this, especially Hermione...