Here's a series of insane skits that I'm throwing the Mediator Characters into. My entries from the Things The Mediator Characters Would Never Say thread, off MCBC.
I know I did.
…I'm also really scared of me.
Suze: Okay, we're going to play Truth or Dare.
Jesse: All right...
Suze: I told you how to play yesterday. You ready?
Jesse: (brave look)) I'm ready, Susannah.
Suze::pulls out card:: Okay, truth or dare, Jesse?
Jesse: D- ...dar... d-d-d...DA-- I just can't DO IT, querida! Truth!
Suze: (reads card and giggles) I don't think this applies to you, but... "When did you lose your virginity?"
Jesse: (defensive) Why wouldn't that apply to me?
Suze: (stops giggling) Oh, I didn't mean - you know, you're just so...the tight pants and all, it's a tad...um...sorry, it just screams 'Deflower Me.'
Jesse: I'll have you know that my fifty-three-year-old babysitter Gretchen was VERY impressed with my bedcrobatics, Susannah!
Jesse: ...I dare you to forget that conversation ever happened.
(CeeCee and Suze are talking about their times of the month, when Paul and Adam walk in -- so they have to start talking in code.)
CeeCee: Sooo...yeah, as I was saying, my, uh, Auntie Flo can be a real witch sometimes. She shows up unexpectedly, steals my bathers so I can't swim, and then kicks me in my lower back!
Suze: And I hate it when you think she's gone, and you clear out her...bed... and then BAM, she's all, "HELLO."
CeeCee: I know! I hate her.
Suze: I hate her too.
(Adam and Paul look on, confused)
Adam: I thought your aunt's name was Pru, not Flo.
CeeCee: Shut up Adam.
Suze: I'm just happy my auntie's leaving today. She's just left some muddy footprints on the doorstep...
CeeCee: You just crossed the line Suze. No, you went over to the line, spat on it and MENSTRUATED on it. (leaves in disgust)
Suze: Wait! (runs after her)
(Paul and Adam blink)
Paul: ...Oh holy GOD, THAT'S what they were talking about?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Jesse: (bursts into rectory) FAAAAAAAAART!!!!!! Hehehehehhehehhehehehe!!!! (runs out, giggling madly)
Brad: I've got a hankering for apple juice! Da na na na, da na na na, BATMAN...APPLE JUICE...
(marches to fridge, and starts skulling.)
Andy: (walks in) ...Brad? What are you doing with my urine sample?
Jesse: (seductive) Save a horse, have intercourse with a cowboy...
Suze: (groan) Jesse... You're saying it wrong.
Jesse: (really long, noisy, bubbly, stinky fart)
Suze: ...What the HELL was that?
Jesse: (bored look) Spike did it.
Jesse: STOP BLOWIN' HOLES IN MY SHIP!
Suze: Oh, I love it when you talk dirty to me Jesse.
Jesse: Um, I was, um, quoting.
(Paul and Jesse are both sitting in a bar)
Paul: Ya know, Jesse... (grabs his glass of beer and sloshes some onto the bar, drunklenly) a tall glass of beer is so much better than a woman...
Jesse: (takes a long gulp) Why is that, Paul?
Paul: (eyes his glass intently) Well...you can enjoy a beer all month long...
Jesse: (in agreement) Hmm...
Paul: And – (burps) your beer won't get jealous if you drink another beer... and you can drink more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty...
Jesse: Yeah - and when you're finished with the beer...the bottle's still worth something!
Paul: Hah! Good one, buddy...good one...
Jesse: You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
Paul: And...beer's always wet -
Jesse: I've never been this drunk, Paul...ever -
Paul: Me neither, my friend!
Jesse: Paul...if I were gay, we'd swim in romance. You know that, right?
Paul: Of course I do!
Jesse: But I'm not gay. So get your hand out of my pants.
Paul: OH! ...Oh, how embarrassing...
Jesse: Um. Your hand is still there.
Paul: It certainly is, baby...
Paul: Suze, if your name was abortion, I'd be against you...
Suze: Oh God. Only you could manage to be lame, sexually-harassing, extremely gross and controversial in the space of ten words.
Paul: I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION!
(Paul wolf-whistles Sister Ernestine)
Paul: Yo, Ernie...babe. What's under that charming little dress of yours?
Sister: Cobwebs, Slater. Cobwebs.
Me: Paul, would you mind testing my cake? It's for the Cake Making Competition, and I really want to knock that ol' Kelly Prescott out of the running this year. I'm hoping this innovative idea will really -
Paul: Yeah, yeah, I'll test it. Cake me up, babe.
(smiles, and nods)
Paul: Not bad, sugar. What's in it?
Me: (glowing) Well this time, I used your urine instead of my own. I think it makes all the difference, don't you?
LOVE- LETTERS TO PAUL:
My heart leaks when
You do not stand
Like wilting roses
That have breathed
The excruciating madness
The scything ecstasy
Of your absence!
I eat pie...
You're my all.
We're meant to be
'Twas destined by the stars...
We'll live on mars
And "Be fruitful and multiply"
And breed a race
An amazing race
Of super-hot killer nerds...
You'll be the supplier
Of the hot genetics.
And I the nerd.
You are my bird.
I am of your feather.
How to be annoying 101:
Annoy Spike: Accidentally chop off his other ear.
Annoy Kelly: Accidentally pour hair-removal cream into her shampoo.
Annoy Debbie: Threaten to break her fingers...then do.
Annoy Father Dom: Pee in the sacrificial wine when you can't find the bathroom.
Annoy Andy: Blow up the kitchen. Blame Dopey.
Annoy Jesse: Use the pages of Critical Theory Since Plato as toilet paper.
Annoy Suze: Do Jesse.
Annoy Paul: Do Suze.
Annoy Jesse: Do Spike.
Amen. Please review!