Title: Cop a Feel
Universe: One Piece
Theme/Topic: Sexual Harassment
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing/s: Luffy, Sanji, Nami, Zoro
Warnings/Spoilers: None I can imagine. Some OOC.
Word Count: 974
Summary: There are repercussions for those who sexually harass. Even those who don't know they do it.
Dedication: requested by nuitari4pwnage, prompt provided by siedhr.
A/N:
LOL this is dumb, but seriously, when I tried writing Kalifa it came out retarded and then the tangerines plan I just couldn't execute well. SO PLAN C. Sorry for the suck!
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I wish constantly.
Distribution: Just lemme know.


"You touched Nami-swan's a… butt!"

Luffy blinked. Then laughed. "Sanji said butt!"

The blond glared and smacked Luffy in the head with a fist. "Idiot! Do you even know what you've desecrated? The crime you've committed?!"

"He saved her from being speared through the head," Zoro pointed out from his nap-spot on the deck. He wondered if Sanji would shut up so he could go back to sleep. Probably not.

"Shut up, aho-marimo!" the chef snarled. "This has nothing to do with you!"

Zoro shrugged. "I've touched her butt too. Shit happens when stuff is trying to kill us."

Sanji looked visibly ill. "You too?! THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WRONG HERE."

Luffy gleed. "Zoro said butt too!"

Both swordsman and chef looked at him.

He grinned. "It sounds funny."

They ignored him.

"WHEN?! WHEN DID YOU TOUCH IT?!"

Zoro scowled. "Don't yell at me!"

"WHEN?!"

"LOTS OF TIMES!"

"DON'T YELL BACK!"

"YOU YELLED FIRST!"

"BECAUSE YOU WON'T ANSWER ME! WHEN DID YOU TOUCH NAMI-SWAN'S BUTT!"

"I DID ANSWER YOU! I SAID LOTS OF TIMES!"

"Sanji said butt again!!" Luffy snickered.

"SHUT UP."

"YOU SHUT UP."

"IT'S NOT FAIR!"

"HEY, I DIDN'T WANT TO TOUCH IT, DAMNED LOVE COOK."

"WHICH MAKES IT EVEN MORE UNFAIR. NOT THAT I WOULD WANT TO MANHANDLE A LOVELY FLOWER LIKE THAT. BUT STILL. STILL."

"STILL WHAT? STILL IT'S BUTT YOU WANT TO TOUCH?"

"Zoro said butt again!"

"SHUT UP!"

Luffy pouted. "But it's funny!"

"What's funny?" a new voice asked, and all three heads turned as one at the sound, only to come face to face with the devil herself.

They stared.

Nami crossed her arms. "What?"

"Nami-swan!" Sanji said, and grabbed her hand, clasping it between both of his as he eyed her tearfully. "Did they hurt you? Do you feel wronged? Shall I duel for your honor? I'll kill them both!"

She pulled her hand out of his. "What are you talking about? Don't touch me."

"Your butt!" Luffy supplied helpfully, and then snickered to himself when he said it.

She stared at him. "What?"

"Your butt!" Luffy repeated, and snickered again, because apparently, it was still funny.

She looked at everyone. "My butt?" She looked at her butt. "Why? What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing! It's lovely!" Sanji assured her, which mostly only earned him a glare and the command of "look the other way, NOW."

"Hai Nami-swan!!" He spun around.

Zoro rolled his eyes.

"So. Why are we talking about my butt?" she pressed, in that sweet-voice-that-meant-she-was-really-angry.

"I touched it," Luffy admitted. He grinned. "Zoro did too."

"Don't bring me into this!" Zoro protested.

Luffy pouted. "You said you did!"

"Shit," Zoro said, next.

"I'LL KILL HIM FOR YOU, NAMI-SWAN!" Sanji offered cheerfully, while still facing the opposite direction from her.

She had a headache. She'd been talking to them for like, a minute. A minute. "When did you touch my butt?"

"Earlier," Luffy said. "Zoro said he touched it lots of times."

"Shit," Zoro echoed, and wanted to crawl away before bloody and awful things began. He'd just wanted a goddamned nap, goddammit.

"JUST SAY THE WORD, NAMI-SWAN! DEAD! BOTH OF THEM!"

Nami ignored Sanji. Blinked at Luffy. "Are you talking about when you saved me from being speared in the head?"

Luffy grinned and nodded. "Yup! Sanji says I touched your butt. Butt!" he sniggered.

She rolled her eyes. "Oh that. That's fine."

Everyone blinked. "It is?" Zoro asked, and felt somehow, that this was even more dangerous territory than he'd just been in. His eyes narrowed and the muscles in his back tensed on reflex.

"NAMI-SWAN IS SO KIND!!" Sanji declared, and clasped his hands together over his chest in admiration even though he was still facing in the wrong damned direction.

Nami nodded. "It's okay. Whenever it happens because someone is saving my life I just add an extra fifty percent to their interest rates and don't think about it again. I'm not the kind of girl who holds a grudge, after all!"

Everyone stared. Well, Sanji may or may not have been—no one could tell since they were all facing the back of his head.

"Oh!" Luffy said, and beamed like he'd understood a word she'd said. Maybe.

Nami beamed back, sweet as sugar all over again. "Yup! Luffy's interest rate is four hundred percent!"

Zoro blinked. That must have been a lot of ass gropage.

"Zoro's is two hundred!"

"I DIDN'T TOUCH YOUR ASS THAT MANY TIMES."

"DON'T BE CRUDE," Sanji growled.

Nami stuck her tongue out at the swordsman. "Don't be crude," she agreed.

"Butt is funnier!" Luffy added, sagely.

Sanji raised his hand. "Nami-swan? What's mine? What's mine?" he asked, and sounded almost eager.

She studied him for a moment. He seemed so hopeful (even from behind), standing there waiting for some sort of sign that he'd one way or another, managed to inadvertently grab her ass in the name of duty.

After a long pause—three seconds— to consider this, Nami decided to be charitable. She smiled. "Sanji-kun owes me three hundred and fifty percent!!" she allowed, out of the goodness of her heart.

He was probably more around twenty percent, really.

But since he wanted it so badly. Well, it wasn't in her to say no to that. He was her nakama after all, and all of his dreams were precious to her like they were her own.

"AND THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY PERCENT YOU'LL GET NAMI-SWAN!!" Sanji assured her, sounding giddy at the revelation.

"Dumbass," Zoro muttered.

Sanji kicked him in the head.

They squabbled.

"So…I'm winning, huh?" Luffy realized suddenly, and grinned big. "By a whole hundred percent!"

Everyone paused. Stared.

"Yeah. You're winning. By that much," Zoro said after a very long moment, and sighed. "Good job."

Luffy preened. "Well, I am the captain after all!"

And sometimes they wondered about that.

END