I have actually managed to write another chapter in this story... It has really taken a long time to write, and I'm so sorry. But today I have written more, so I thought I'd post this and let you know that there's still hope for this story. I do plan on finishing it, I just don't know when it'll be yet. This part is un betaed, so all mistakes are mine. Thank you to those of you who are still with me and this story, I hope you'll be better than me and maybe leave a review to let me know what you think.
During the night Veronica and Sara had moved to the living room and were now lying on two very comfortable couches. Except for the couple of hours of sleep Veronica had had, they had talked through the night, about old memories and had also touched the subject of the new ones. Sara had respected it when Foxy had changed the subject when they had talked shortly about Dunne, because she knew that her friend always had to work things out alone before talking. For the last hour or so they had sat in silence both lost in thought.
Sara was, of course, thinking about Catherine. She wanted to save the relationship, but wasn't sure how to. She felt how her body relaxed and soon she was in a state of being not quite asleep but not fully awake either. She rarely found herself in this state and was only there now because Veronica made her feel safe enough to be that vulnerable. Pretty soon all that existed were the sound of her heartbeat and thoughts of Catherine. Small images played in her mind. Catherine in the morgue wearing her blue lab coat smiling at her. Catherine at the lab with Lindsey, an arm around the girl's shoulder, smiling down at her. Catherine hunched over the microscope absentmindedly brushing a strand of stray hair behind her ear. Catherine in the break room enjoying a cup of coffee. Catherine in her office wearing those glasses. Catherine naked in bed looking at her with love. Catherine…
"Sometimes I wonder if it's really worth it." She thought out loud.
"If what is worth it?" Veronica said with a yawn interrupted in her thoughts. "Making up with Catherine?" She sat up a little straighter.
"Yeah," Sara nodded absentmindedly.
"But you love her." Veronica sounded concerned. "And love makes it all worth it. You deserve to be happy, Sass."
"I'm… I'm not thinking about me." The brunette finally looked over at the other woman. "Is it really worth it for Catherine? I mean, I hurt her over and over again and we've only been dating for a very short time." She sighed rubbing her eyes. "She has Lindsey to think about too and I'm just… I'm not really enough for them – at least not when I have all this unsolved business in my past."
"Maybe you're right." Veronica nodded. "But maybe Catherine should be the one to decide whether or not it's worth it."
"Maybe she can't see things clearly." Sara countered.
"And maybe that's because you are keeping her in the dark about it." Veronica shot back. "Don't get me wrong here, I know how your childhood affected you. I know how much it hurts you to even consider talking about it. But I also know how strong you are and I know how much you're in love with Catherine. And to me that is what makes it worth it. To me that is all that matters – the fact that you have finally met a person who can make you happy. You've finally met someone who won't take any crap from you – someone who is in love with you."
"One," Sara held up a finger. "I'm not so sure that she is in love with me. Two," she held up another finger. "You just described yourself and I've known you for years, what makes it so different with Catherine?"
"One," Veronica held up her middle finger with a smile. "If she wasn't in love with you, you wouldn't still be with her. She would have given up a long time ago – even if the sex is fantastic. Not that I would know with all the details you're not giving me." She smiled. "And two, no I didn't. I was never in love with you. I mean I love you, I love you with all my heart, but I was never in love with you – like you were never in love with me, right?" She paused and waited for Sara's confirming nod. "And you told me about your childhood, so don't you think that maybe Catherine, who you are in love with, deserves to know as well?"
"Yeah," Sara leaned back in the couch. "Maybe you're right."
"I always am." Veronica said with an ironic smile.
"Right," Sara answered with a small laugh.
Silence fell over them again. She still wasn't sure that being with Catherine was what was best for the blonde, not matter what Veronica had said. She loved Cath and she wanted to be with her. She just wasn't sure that she could be better, that she could be the kind of person that the blonde deserved to be with. She was going to tell her about her childhood and the biggest part of her was sure that the blonde would understand and still want to be with her. But maybe she should deal with her past before she could be with the blonde. Maybe she ought to confront her demons before she could be who Catherine deserved.
"You know, jewellery is nice too." Veronica said with a smile, interrupting her musings.
"Jewellery?" Sara squeaked sitting up on the couch. "We've been dating for a couple of months!"
"Oh right." Veronica looked over at her. "I was just trying to get your attention." She giggled. "But I do love jewellery." She said with a dreamy look on her face.
"I'll be sure to tell Kim that." Sara mumbled.
"Oh, she knows, hon." Veronica smirked. "Haven't I shown you my bling yet?"
"Your bling?" Sara laughed and let her self fall back in the couch again.
"Well, my jewellery then. There are some pretty nice things in my safety box." Veronica sat up.
"I'm sure there is." Sara nodded. "I mean, just look at this place." She looked around the living room.
"Yeah, it's not bad." Veronica looked around as well.
"Not bad? This is what people dream about, Foxy." Sara looked over at her. "It definitely pays better to be a doctor than it does being a CSI."
"It's ok." Veronica smiled at her. "Plus having a huge trust fund from your grandparents that your father can't touch doesn't hurt either."
"Ah." Sara nodded, that explained the big house. "What time is it?" She asked.
"It's…" Veronica was interrupted by Kimberly walking in the door. "Hey hon." She reached a hand out for her.
"Hi." Kimberly walked over to her and kissed her. "Hi Sara."
"Wanna sit?" The redhead patted on the couch between her legs as Sara nodded her hello.
"Yeah." The detective sighed sitting down leaning against the smaller body behind her.
"Rough shift?" Veronica asked.
"Mmmm," came the noncommittal reply.
"Did you see Catherine today?" Sara asked.
"Yeah, shortly at the lab," Kimberly nodded. "I think she had a murder with Brass or something."
"Ok." Sara nodded. "Uhm, Foxy, can I pick some flowers in your garden?" She got up from the couch.
"Sure." Veronica nodded. "Nice touch, Sass. More personal that way." She smiled.
"You in the doghouse with Catherine?" Kim asked.
"Something like that." Sara nodded.
"Jewellery will work wonders." She offered as Sara went outside to pick flowers.
Sara knocked on Catherine's front door nervously. She wasn't really sure that she could do this. It had been years since she'd last told someone about her childhood. But she had to do it if she was going to have a chance with Catherine, she knew that, but it didn't make it any easier to actually do it.
"Hi." She looked up at a tired looking Catherine when she opened the door. "These are for you." She held out the flowers.
"Thanks." Catherine smiled slightly. "Come on in." She opened the door wider and Sara stepped inside.
"So…" Sara shoved her hands in her pockets looking at the blonde.
"The flowers are very nice, Sara." Catherine moved closer and gave her a peck on the lips. "Coffee?"
"Yes please." Sara followed her to the kitchen. "Where do you want to do this? Do you need to sleep first? I can come back later." She knew that she was rambling, but she couldn't seem to get her nerves under control.
"Living room. No, I'm good for now, so you don't have to." Catherine leaned against the counter while waiting for the coffee to brew.
"Ok." Sara nodded. She paused for a while just looking at the vision in front of her. "Look, I need to do this now or I'm not sure how… if…" She stopped again and took a deep breath. "I have a brother. He's older than me and I haven't seen him in about 20 years or so."
"Oh." Catherine moved to walk over to her, but stopped when Sara held up her hand. "I didn't know that."
"He moved out of the house as soon as he was old enough, he really couldn't get away fast enough. He left me behind though." Sara continued as she watched Catherine fill two mugs with coffee. "I don't really blame him, he'd already suffered a lot trying to protect my mother and me. I think he joined the army or marines or something."
"What's his name?" Catherine asked handing her one of the mugs before leading her into the living room to sit on the couch.
"John." Sara sat down next to the blonde. "His name is John." She took a sip of her coffee. "My dad started beating me when I was six. He'd been beating John and mom for years before that, but I got my first real beating when I was six." She didn't look at Catherine while talking, but stared into space as if she was watching a scene others couldn't see. "I mean he'd slapped me before that, but the first real beating was when I was six. It hurt like hell, so I couldn't stop crying. That really just made him angrier, but I couldn't stop. Mom went between us so he wouldn't kill me, but that just meant that she walked around with bruises for weeks as well. I guess over the years I just learned not to cry when he was beating me. I learned to not cry at all, because crying equalled a beating."
"And that's why you're uncomfortable crying in front of me?" Catherine had put down her coffee.
"Yes." Sara nodded slowly. "I don't cry in front of anyone, not even Veronica. I think you're the first person who has seen me cry since… since I can't remember."
"I'm sorry." Catherine rearranged herself so she was sitting with her back against the armrest on the couch. "Wanna make this more comfortable?" She asked patting the spot between her legs.
Sara finally looked over at her, pushing the scenes in her head to the back of her mind for a short while.
"I'm not sure." She said looking down at the spot Catherine was patting.
"I won't hurt you, Sara." Catherine scooted closer placing a hand on Sara's back.
"I know, but…"
"You need to be able to run." Catherine stated with a small sigh.
"I don't want to run, but…" Sara made a helpless gesture with her hand.
"It's ok." Catherine scooted back to her previous position. "Tell me the rest of your story… And the offer still stands if you change your mind."
"I think Johnny thinks that I blame him for leaving me. That might be why I haven't seen or heard from him in all these years, but I really don't. There was nothing he could have done if he had stayed. He was just as scared of dad as mom and I were."
"Were?" Catherine asked.
"Yeah." Sara nodded. "He kept beating us for years. I used to think that it was normal – that that was how a family worked. I'd never really known anything else, so I never talked about it with anyone. It was just normal behaviour to me."
"I'm sorry." Catherine repeated.
"He kept beating us over the years. We tried to figure out his mood swings, but there were just no pattern in them. We never seemed to do anything right, so I guess we just gave up after a while. The only thing I had to hide in was my school work. I loved going to school. But he turned that against me as well, I never got praise for getting a good grade – I just got a beating. And if the grade wasn't good enough I got a beating for that as well." Sara shifted a little closer to the blonde placing a hand on her leg.
Catherine placed her hand lightly on Sara's in support. She didn't speak but listened intently to what the brunette was telling her. It was hard to listen to and her heart was breaking for the child that had had to go through it all. She wanted to take Sara into her arms and never let go, but she felt that Sara needed the more distanced comfort of her hand covering hers at the moment instead.
"When I was twelve I was home alone with my father for the first time in forever and he was as always in a very bad mood. When I didn't fix him what he wanted to eat properly he started beating me. I had just gotten a good grade in a math test, but he didn't like it. In his world women stayed at home pleasing their husband and he started showing me just what that meant…" Sara stopped and felt Catherine tighten her grip on her hand. She looked over at the blonde. "He would have raped me right there in the kitchen if my mother hadn't come home in time. He had already ripped my shirt off and was working on my pants when she stepped into the kitchen. She screamed for him to stop, but he just backhanded her making her fall back and hit her head on the kitchen counter…"
"He killed her?" Catherine asked with a voice thick with emotions.
"No." Sara shook her head. "She got up, the blood was flowing from a cut on her head. I don't remember what happened. But I do remember the smell of blood in the air, the spatter on the walls, the feeling of blood in my hair, on my face, on my clothes. Suddenly the room was filled with people – there were police officers and paramedics everywhere it seemed. And then a woman with the kindest smile and nice blue eyes took my hand and led me out of the house. For a long time I didn't know or remember her name, but I clung to her hand and wouldn't let go for the longest time. The neighbours and a lot of other people were standing outside, some pointing at me, some whispering something and that's when I became…" She looked down at their joined hands and tried to pull her hand away, but Catherine didn't let go.
"Became what, sweetie?" Catherine asked gently.
"The girl whose mother killed her father." Sara looked away from the blonde afraid what she would see in the other woman's face.
"Oh honey." Catherine moved closer to her and embraced her. "I'm so sorry."
Sara stayed in the embrace for a minute before pulling away.
"I'll understand if you don't…"
"Don't finish that sentence, Sara." Catherine caressed her cheek. "I… I want to be with you. I'll be patient with you when you need it, but I'm still me – I'll push at times as well."
"You want to be with me? Even after…?"
"Yes." Catherine nodded. "You're not your parents, Sara. You're an incredibly strong person who has been through too much and has come out strong on the other side… I'm still gonna push you though." She added with a small smile.
"I know. Always so bossy." Sara smiled as well.
"Veronica knows all this?" Catherine asked.
"Yes." Sara confirmed.
"And that's why she's so protective of you?"
"I think so." Sara nodded. "She's the best friend I've ever had."
"I like her more and more." Catherine said with a smile.
"You should." Sara smiled bigger. "You're really a lot alike when she's not just been kidnapped and almost killed."
"Well, that'll get anyone down for a while." Catherine smiled. It wasn't really that funny, but somehow it eased the tension a little.
"I guess you have a lot of questions." Sara got back to her story.
"I do." Catherine nodded. "But I think we've both had enough for right now."
"I'll answer whatever question you have." Sara wanted her to know everything she wanted. The sooner she could get it over with, the sooner Catherine could leave her if she found out that it would all be too much and the less attached she would be to the Willows family.
"I'm not going to leave you because of this Sara." Catherine tried to ease her fears. "We all have a past, some worse than others, but it is in the end what have made us who we are today." She stood up and reached out a hand to Sara. "Let's get some sleep before I have to pick up Lindsey?"
"Are you sure?" The brunette looked up at her.
"Absolutely." Catherine nodded seriously and Sara took her hand and followed her to the bedroom.