Disclaimer – I do not own Gundam Seed.
ANONYMOUS-gsd asked if I could make one with Murrue lecturing the girls but I decided to use Mu again. This is a companion piece of sorts for I'd Rather Be Fighting The War. It take's place some time after it so they're all just jumping around, so to say, from the Eternal to the Kusanagi to the Archangel. They don't really get around to having the actual talk but it's the Mu-torture that matters, no?
Just So We're Clear
written by: ohwhatsherface
Mu La Flaga banged on the door harshly and whined very loudly. "No! Murrue you cannot do this to me, damnit! Not again! I already taught the boys about sex, why the hell do I have to teach the girls? I can't do this! Girls are a completely different species! They are weird and think in ways that I don't know! Their minds are diverse and I have trouble comprehending their girl talk and—"
"Just so we're clear, we can hear you."
The only male in the room turned around at the sound of the annoyed Princess Cagalli Yula Attha's voice to see three sets of eyes narrowed down at him for his insults directed to the female race. Gosh, even the Pink Princess looked miffed at him. Mu cringed and started banging on the door again, looking up at the security camera.
"Commander La Flaga," Lacus Clyne drawled out smoothly. "Would you mind stating the reason why we are locked in this room at the moment?"
"Well Miss Clyne," Mu took a deep breath, "I am supposed to be teaching you girls—"
Miriallia Haww covered her mouth with her hand as she leaned in beside Cagalli who was between her and Lacus in order to whisper and keep their conversation as unheard as possible by their 'teacher'. "He's trying to pull what he did to the boys on us. You know, the whole 'you're sixteen and going to have sex soon' thing. Dearka told me that he gave them porn."
"That's horrible," Cagalli commented.
Lacus looked disgusted. "He gave them porn—"
"I most certainly did not!" Mu interrupted. His voice grew to a mocking tone, "And just so we're clear, I can hear you."
The three sixteen-year-old girls ignored him. Cagalli spoke to the other two, "Yeah Athrun told me about that. He said that Kira started threatening him because he let it slip that when we got stranded on that island together, I accidentally flashed him."
"You flashed Athrun?" Miriallia repeated with shock.
The blond nodded, ashamed. "It was an accident. There was a crab up my shirt." She giggled, remembering the moment. "He tripped after I did it…"
"Well it's no shock my former fiancé lost interest in me after an incident like that," Lacus teased.
Cagalli gaped at the pink haired girl and shoved her lightly. "Lacus!"
"GIRLS!" Mu shouted, frustrated.
"Gosh, Commander!" Miriallia snapped, annoyed. "Can't you see we're having a conversation?"
Mu's hands clenched into fists as he muttered, "God, I don't know whose worse, you three of the boys." He cleared his throat loudly. "Okay, let's talk about sex."
"Sorry, we're minors," Cagalli stated snidely.
He snorted. "Oh, please, don't flatter yourselves! I've already got the ship captain by my side."
"Not for long…" Lacus chided in a soft voice. The three girls all began to giggle as the smugness that was on Mu's face began to fade. She smiled pleasantly at Mu who was looking at her questioningly. "Well one time, the three of us were talking to Miss Murrue about 'boy problems'—"
"—and she began to stand up for them," Miriallia continued. She rubbed her chin as she thought back to the moment that the four had eaten lunch together to remember what the ship's captain had said. "Oh yes, right," Miriallia smiled brightly at the blond man, "Her exact words were—"
"—'Girls, boys are not perfect'," Cagalli carried on. She smirked at Mu as she continued quoting Murrue. "'They think they are, but in reality, they are no where near it, and you know what? They never will be. You really do have hope for them when you're sixteen and infatuated, but they won't get perfect. Heck, even the guy I'm with now—at my mid-twenties—isn't perfect. So you either give up on them,' then she paused for a couple of seconds, then finished off with 'or you can try to live with them,'." She pursed her lips and then looked at both girls. "Did I leave anything out?"
Lacus shook her head. "Nope, you have everything."
Miriallia smirked. "So it's like we said."
"Not for long," Cagalli repeated.
It was official to Mu.
Girls were evil.
He began to form a list in his head: they were always speaking in words that were incomprehensible, they would waste all the energy they should use to get better on biting your head off when they had their period, they would get the mood swings from hell and take them out on you, they had their own way of talking to each other with the use of words and eye contact, etcetera. Mu narrowed his blue eyes at the three teenage girls who were acting like some classic high school bitch clique who was out to make you cry.
"Okay, why don't I make this quick for all of us?" Mu suggested. "We're not getting out of here until you know what you should know, so I'll make this fast."
The brunette quirked an eyebrow at him. "Oh and how will you do that?"
Mu grinned brightly. "With an idea inspired by the boy who currently has a very big crush on you!" He clapped his hands together. "The point of this conversation is to teach you about sex and so on, but since you three aren't so up to it, just give me some questions relating to it and stuff, and then I'll answer them."
"Okay, why are guys so proud of being a girl's first?" Lacus asked. She began muttering to herself, "I mean, I already know I'm not his first—"
"Um, well you see…" Mu scratched his head. "Uh, I don't really know… But some people prefer to not be a virgin's first, Lacus! You know, so that the person's partner would have some experience and know what the heck they're doing…"
Lacus nodded, her mood lightening up a bit. "Oh, okay."
"Can I guy go into SEED mode during sex?"
Mu looked at the Princess of Orb incredulously. "I'm sorry, what?!"
Cagalli shrugged, looking a bit flustered. "I said—"
"No, I heard you!" Mu exclaimed, waving his hands around to stop her from asking her question a second time. "SEED mode, as in that berserker mode Kira and Athrun can go into when they're fighting?" He blinked. "The one that makes them a lot stronger, quicker and more aggressive?"
"SEED mode is meant for the battlefield, Princess."
Miriallia giggled. "Love is a battlefield."
The blond sixteen-year-old guffawed at the girl beside her. "Who said anything about love? We're talking about sex, yeesh." Cagalli turned back to Mu and huffed. "And I was just curious… I guess they don't." They noticed the disappointment written across the girl's frowning face.
"My turn," Miriallia declared. She looked somewhat nervous. "Does sex always hurt the first time?"
Inwardly, he cheered. Finally, it was an easy question! "No, not always," he responded in a wise voice. "The pain that females may feel happens because of the lack of lubrication or because her hymen was torn or broken." He waved his hands around before she would begin to get fearful of the soreness. "But don't worry! Most girls actually just break them on their own while growing up due to simple things like riding your bike or horseback riding."
"I see." Miriallia nodded and then quickly spoke up again. "Also, what's the fastest way to get rid of a hickey?"
"Um…" Mu scratched his head. "Well there's actually no 'fast way' to getting rid of a hickey. You just have to let it fade on its own. The best thing you can do is wait and be patient…" He smirked at the blushing brunette. "Why, is there anything you're trying to hide from us, Milly?"
Cagalli smiled innocently at Mu as she defended Miriallia. "I'm sorry, Commander, but aren't we supposed to asking the questions?"
He snorted at her act of protection for her friend and muttered to himself, "Spoken like a true girl…" He smiled back at her. "Yes, of course. Are there anymore?"
"Is it true that a guy's," Lacus blushed, "you know, is the size of his foot?"
The two girls beside her held in their laughter as did Lacus; they all knew the answer—that it was just some urban myth—but they were having too much fun torturing their teacher with pointless questions that they obviously knew the correct responses to.
Mu looked down at his feet and then hid them beneath the table in front of him awkwardly. "Um, no, that's not true, Lacus… That is just an urban myth. A guy's penis has nothing to do with his feet. Now, are there any other questions you'd like to ask?" He groaned when they all raised their hands up in the air. "Just so we're clear, you all know the answers to what you ask me, right?"
"Do we look stupid?"
Mu nodded. "And you're only asking me these things because Murrue probably bribed you three into torturing me, prior to this little teaching session?"
He rubbed his temples in frustration. "And you don't plan on stopping until I burst out crying or something, do you?"
"You got it, Commander."
"Well how did you ever guess?"
"Yes, that is correct."
The brown haired sixteen-year-old smirked at him. "Unless you can come up with a better bribe than not having to be on duty of any sort for a whole week straight, then you're going to have to live with the torture."
"It's a pity, Commander La Flaga," Lacus commented sweetly. She looked at her freshly painted nails as she spoke. "I really must wonder what you did to anger Captain Ramius that she made you teach sex to us and the boys as well." She shrugged. "This is what happens. If you anger one woman, they all turn against you."
Cagalli remained silent, not adding a snide and sarcastic remark to the bunch. The blond just looked at him smugly.
"So I'm not getting out of here for a long time, am I?"
"Nope," three voices chorused with laughter.
Mu took a deep breath. "Just wanted to be clear…"