Author's Note: This story was inspired by a day at a friend's house. I was not too pleased and her brother was irritating me to all high hell. I nearly did what happens in this story, but I didn't. . . barely. In addition, this story posted originally on March 29, 2003 and we all know things are not the same today. I, however, am keeping characters alive, like Dumbledore; if you have an issue with this, sorry.
Thanks to GoodWitch for correcting all mistakes.
Warning: If a woman's not so friend monthly visitor squicks you, this is not the story for you. That is the only warning.
Hermione's bed shook in a rhythm of small tremors, rousing her from a deep sleep. Opening her eyes, she squinted at the early morning light, before reaching for her wand and canceling her alarm. She stretched her arms above her head and gave a might yawn, wiping the gunk that had accumulated on the corners of her mouth during the night with the back of her hand. Shoving her hair away from her face, she whipped the covers off from around her body and attempted to roll out of bed, only for her foot to be still entangled in her sheets, she fell to the stone floor.
"Bloody hell," she mumbled, planting her hands on the ground and bringing her feet up under her, finally standing. She made her way to the bathroom and sat on the loo, giving another yawn. Finishing up, she got into the tub and began to bathe. She lathered, rinsed and repeated with shampoo and put a good amount of conditioner in her hair. Letting her hair sit for a bit, she shaved her legs and pits and scrubbed her face and slowly slipped into the water to rinse out the conditioner. Satisfyingly clean, she got up and grabbed two towels, one tied turban style around her head and the other she used for drying her body.
While drying her legs and nether regions of, the towel came back not the so pristine white it once was; there was a small tint of pink to it. Opening up a small drawer in the bathroom she pulled out a small calendar, becoming agitated that her cycle began two weeks earlier than scheduled. Sitting once again on the loo, she tended to her wound. Quickly finishing up the rest of her beautification ritual, she went down to the Great Hall.
Upon entering, she spotted her two best friends talking animatedly, making gestures towards to Ravenclaw table where Luna and Padma sat. This is not the day for their hormones to be running amuck. Approaching the table, Hermione sat between Ron and Neville, flashing a smile in his direction and rolling her eyes towards the other two, making him smile in return. Reaching across the table, she grabbed a bit of dry toast and poured herself a glass of extra pulp orange juice.
"How are things with you this morning, Neville?"
"Things are good, Dumbledore gave an announcement that the team who wins the Quidditch match today will get to choose one subject to not test in at the end term."
"Are you serious? Just because the Dark Lord has fallen, does not mean that people get to get out of exams, those are important to prove to the Ministry that you learned all that was required of you at school. Did Dumbledore get this approved? I have to go and talk to him." Hermione went to get up, but Neville pulled her back down, "Do you really think Dumbledore would do something like this if it wasn't accepted by the Ministry? The two teams today are Gryffindor and Ravenclaw and we all know that every single person on those two teams lived through the Final Battle, it's only natural for them to choose Defense Against the Dark Arts."
"I can see where you're coming from, but still, this is not way to reward for winning a battle; the Order of Merlin's and our lives were good enough."
Hermione ended the conversation, and reached for a bowl and poured herself some flakes, followed by the milk.
"Ya know mate, Luna has really come into her own, and she has all the curves that any man would dream for. She is also a really wicked kisser."
Harry hit Ron in the arm, "How the hell do you know that?" Ron flashed a mischievous smile, "Yeah, she kissed me when we were all gathering back here at Hogwarts."
"You're a liar! Your mum was hugging you to her bosom for an hour afterwards; Luna was nowhere to be found!" Ron turned a violent shade of red, the other boys sitting around started making kissing noises.
"Alright, so she didn't kiss me, but when I wake up with an erection the size of the Eiffel Tower at two am after a snogging dream with her, she must me good!"
"Whatever you say Ron; you know who is a great kisser though, Cho. The night she first kissed me after the DA meeting, it took me so long to get back to the dorms because I a raging hard on that needed to be tamed."
"Oi, you remember Fleur? Wow, she was stellar. During the second task when she wore that suit, boy, it rea-"
A hard object collided with Ron's head, milk, and flakes dripping down his face.
"Ronald Weasley, I have had it up to here with yours and Harry's talking of the female form. Just because you survived the war, does not mean you have to go and talk about females as if they were objects! Keep it up and I am sure you are going to end up with someone who is not going to take kindly to your ways and hex your goddamned balls off! And I will not be around to help you out, unless you stop with this nonsense!"
The entire Great Hall was silent. Nay, nearly silent, someone was laughing, but trying so hard not to. Hermione turned red faced and scanned the hall, looking for the source. Most students were mid chew, or talk and were gaping like fish. As her eyes came to the teachers table, she saw the source. It was Snape, almost a purple colour, trying so hard not to erupt more than he already had.
"You think this is funny, do you?" Hermione set her eyes on him now, "You think that females are nothing more than a sexual object, that you can dip your penis in and get your jollies than leave? Well you probably think so, but for you to ever get a woman into bed is few and far between, you are just so desperate to get off you have to pay for it!"
Still, Snape laughed at her tirade against him. "Actually, no, I think the female for is something of great beauty, it should be caressed and kissed and worshipped like the goddess Aphrodite, or held with such delicateness as if it were some ancient pottery. I am merely laughing because you have come to your senses and put Potter and Weasley in their places. Now, how about you come to my rooms for tea and we can discuss your future outside of these walls and perhaps I will show you how a real man is. Unless you still think me too desperate for your affections?
It was Hermione's turn, as well as everyone else in the hall, to go quite once more.
"Good day Miss Granger and 100 points to Gryffindor."