A/N: I wrote this story years ago, in high school. (I don't exactly recall when, but I presume it can be traced to around 2005 or 2006.) I am now updating this story, with better editing and minor changes.
I do not own "South Park" or "Star Wars".
Love or Infatuation?
Nine-year-old Stan Marsh tore through the redneck mountain town of South Park, Colorado, painting and cursing under his breath. Not far behind him, with a lawnmower raised over her head like the Texas Chainsaw massacre, ran his tyrannical older sister Shelly.
"Get back here turd, I'm not finithed showing you how a flea fealth when you hit it with a fly thwater!"
Stan emitted a girlish scream, and pumped his legs faster.
Oh f-ck, what do I do now Stan panicked. Where do I go—Kyle's house!
He ran to his best friend's home, hit the doorbell over and over and pounded the door.
"KYLE, KYLE, HELP ME!"
Kyle slowly swung the door open. His green hat was almost falling off, and under his bloodshot eyes hung dark circles. Behind him, Stan could see his Canadian brother Ike, along with about twenty other Canadian toddlers. All of them were wearing party hats, throwing cake at the wall, and playing games, all while screaming and yapping their flapping Canadian heads off.
"Dude Stan, what's up?" Kyle sighed, exhausted.
"DUDE! Let me in, my sister's gonna kill me!"
"I can't, dude. I have to baby-sit my brother's birthday party, and my mom said if I have any friends over she'll give me a second circumcision!"
There was the groan of a lawnmower starting up from a house or two down.
"I'm coming for you, TURD!"
Stan hollered and bolted. The next person he could think of to run to was Eric Cartman.
Stan was halfway to Fatass's house when he screeched to a halt.
"Wait a minute, what the hell am I doing?"
Stan turned away and headed for friend #3; Kenny McCormick.
Poor Kenny was, well, poor. He also had that bad habit of getting killed off every other week. But Stan also knew that underneath that orange hood was a funny, brave, and caring friend. Especially that time he went to Hell to save them all from Saddam Hussein and the Devil. Now that Stan thought of it, maybe he and Kyle should thank him for that again, and maybe help him out the next time Cartman started singing about Kenny's family living in old TV boxes.
Stan pounded Kenny's door.
"KENNY HELP! SHELLY'S GONNA KILL ME WITH A LAWN MOWER!"
"Mff Muff, mff muffle!" Kenny threw open the door before Stan was finished claiming sanctuary. Stan rushed inside, slammed the door behind him, and locked it. (The lock fell off a second later with a muffled creak.)
Neither of Kenny's parents was home. The only other person besides the two fourth graders was Kevin—Kenny's older, filthier, and much, much stupider brother. The pre-teen was sitting on the torn sofa munching cold waffles, his eyes stuck on the fuzzy, black-and-white TV.
"And now, back to Star Wars: A New Hope! Provided in part by Terrance and Phillip."
Terrance and Phillip farted the Imperial March as the advertisement went on. Then it cut back to the actual movie. The wall behind Kevin light up and laser blasts spewed from the TV. He took no notice of Stan or his brother.
"Somebody has to save our skins!" Princess Leia shouted. "Into the garbage shoot, flyboy!"
"Kick ass!" Kevin cheered, waving his half-eaten waffle over his head. "Too bad real girls can't kick ass like that, cuz Paris Hilton turned 'em all into p-ssy little whores."
Shelly stood on top of the busted-down door, gripping her lawnmower like a military machine gun.
"Fee…" She stomped forward. "Fai…" the old door crunched under her feet. "Fo…fum…I smell the blood of a TUUURD!"
Coughing, Stan squeezed out from under the door and tried to hide behind Kenny. Shelly knocked Kenny out of her way with her mower ("Muff!") and started smashing Stan into the floor, ignoring his pleas of, "Please Shell, I didn't mean to scratch any of your Brittany Spears records or make fun of your head gear!"
Kevin, forgetting completely about the Death Star battle, had been watching the strange girl killing her brother while half-consciously nibbling his waffle. Now he stood up, picked up the TV (now playing the X-Wing scene). Kenny, distracted watching Shelly smash Stan, didn't notice his brother walking up behind him with the TV. Holding the TV awkwardly, Kevin began smashing his own little brother with it.
"No no," Shelly corrected him. "You haf to hold it higher aboth your head, like this." she demonstrated on Stan ("Aaaaa!")
"Oh, OK." Kevin followed her example ("Mfff!")
Shelly and Kevin continued bashing, occasionally looking back at each other and laughing. Within minutes both Kenny and Stan were bloody corpses being dragged away by rodents.
Back at the Brofloski house, Kyle heard screaming and looked out his window. He somehow managed to witness the whole murder, through a tiny plastic telescope from a cereal box.
"Oh my god," he lowed his 'scope, "They killed Kenny AND Stan! You bastards!" he shook his fist.
Then, suddenly remembering that there were 21 children in the room, Kyle gasped and covered his mouth. But it was too late. Ike and his friends were now repeating the word "bastard!" excitingly, at the top of their lungs.
"Oh f-ck on a stick." Kyle muttered as his parents' car pulled into the driveway.
Meanwhile, Kevin and Shelly put their weapons down and looked up at each other nervously.
"I'm Thelly," Shelly said shyly. "Uh, what's your name?"
"Wha? 24?" Kevin shook his blond head. "I mean—I think it's Kevin."
They exchanged glances for a few more seconds. Then they were on the old couch, kissing and making out. The pre-teens were still being naughty when Chef popped his head through the broken doorway to add to the mood.
"I'm gonna make sweet love ta ya wo-man…"