My First Harry Potter fic. Complete crack. Dont expect all of the info to be correct. This is after Book 6. No characters are mine.


"Well then", Draco started, pouring a large amount of oatmeal onto his plate. "Pass the toast". He stared across the table at his former professor, his icy blue eyes expectant.

Snape just leered at him.

Draco started again, his tone much harsher this time. "Pass. The toast."

Snape was now staring blankly out of the window. Draco's face began to redden at this display of blatant defiance.

"This is my house and you will do as I say!" He rose from his seat. "If it were up to me, you wouldn't even be here eating my toast".

Snape paused for a while as if pondering something. After a few seconds, he turned his dark angry eyes to meet Draco's. "It isn't your toast". He picked up a piece of toasted, buttery bread and took a huge bite out of it. "Mmmm".

Draco's hand immediately dove into his dark green robes to pull out his wand.

"You wouldn't" Snape mumbled through toast. Draco just glared back, as it was pretty much all he could do. Snape was right. He knew from a month's experience of repelled jinxes. He watched as Snape stuffed another piece of toast into his mouth. "Mmmm" He reached for another.

Draco's eyes widened. "No!"

"Mmmm!"

"MUUUUUM!" Draco wailed.

Snape muttered something that sounded a lot like "brat" as Narcissa stormed into the kitchen from her study. "What is it now Draco? I was um..." She glanced nervously back at her study. "Discussing a few very important matters with Avery"

"Very important matters indeed", a drunken voice floated from the room. Narcissa hastily flicked her wand in the voice's direction and a loud thunk echoed through out the hall.

Draco's widened eyes traveled to the study and back to his mother. "Mother?"

"Forget it, Draco", Narcissa snapped, tossing back her suspiciously untidy blonde hair. She eyed Snape and gave a deep sigh. "Have you been bothering your professor again, Draco?!"

"He's not my-"

"What have I told you about pestering him?!" Narcissa bellowed. "Have you forgotten what he's done for you?!"

"I-"

"There, There, Severus", Narcissa patted the man on the back. "Don't be angry. He's only a foolish boy".

Draco found this to be an odd statement, for Snape didn't look angry at all. In fact, he looked rather... smug.

"More toast, Severus?"

Snape grinned up at her. "Yes please".

Draco interrupted, hopefully. "I'd like more toast, mother!"

"Draco, really" Narcissa grimaced, her arms crossed. "You could do with a little less food, and a bit more exercise". She snatched his untouched plate away. "You're starting to look like that blood traitor Longbottom.Your father would be most disappointed"

"But I didn't get to-"

"If you'd like I could brew a weight lifting potion, Narcissa", Snape added, as he munched on a particularly delicious looking piece of toast. "Mmmm. It would only take me a few days".

"You said you were leaving tomorrow!" Draco leaned across the table, his fingernails sinking into the wood.

"Draco, sit down!" Narcissa scolded, and with a flick of her wand, he was firmly rooted in his seat. "Severus can stay as long as he likes!"

Snape smirked and stuck his tongue out momentarily.

"Did... DID YOU SEE THAT?!"

Narcissa crossed her arms and tapped her left foot impatiently. "See what dear?"

"He stuck his tongue out at me!"

"Draco."An expression of incredible dismay sprang across Snape's face. "I never took you to be a liar". He stood from the table. "You've been very hospitable, Narcissa, but perhaps I should leave".

"Yes!" Draco grinned widely.

"NO!" Narcissa took Snape by the arm. "We both know you haven't anywhere to stay. You'll remain here for now".

Draco's brief happiness deflated.

"And you!" Narcissa hissed in Draco's direction. He winced.

"But-"

"GO TO YOUR ROOM!"

"But everything's so greasy!"

"NOW!"

Draco muttered several curses under his breath as he made his way up to the room he'd been sharing with Snape. There were plenty of guest rooms in their manor. He didn't understand why his mother had insisted he room with the man. Perhaps she hoped some of his genius would rub off on him. Draco sneered. Tough luck. In the past month since the attack on Hogwarts, Draco had drifted as far from Snape as he ever could have imagined. He couldn't believe that he'd ever favored him as a teacher. He often even felt himself pitying the Gryffindors. With the exception of his mortal enemy, Harry Potter.

He turned a greasy door knob, entered his room and almost slipped on the now slimy hardwood floors. Sliding his way toward the bed, he lifted himself onto his green Slytherin blanket, the only dry thing in the room. Curling into a ball, he wondered if Harry Potter would have taken all of the toast for himself. And he certainly didn't leave residue everywhere he walked...

"Afternoon, Draco", a muffled voice mumbled from the doorway. He watched as Snape walked into the room and toward his black sleeping bag, three pieces of toast sticking out from his thin lips. He was magically lifting five foil covered plates in the air.

Draco raised an eyebrow curiously. "Is that-"

"Toast", Snape nodded.

"Can I-"

"No, Draco". Snape shook his head. "You are much to large-"

"I'M NOT FAT!" Draco eyed himself in the mirror as if to make sure. He looked the same as he always had... small and lanky. He wasn't even muscular or big-boned.

"Temper, Draco." Snape pulled on a black silk robe with an emerald snake slithering over the back. "

"Hey! That's my father's!"

Snape chose to ignore this. He pulled up a wooden chair and removed a pipe from his flannel pajama pocket. He lit it with his wand and conjured a book out of thin air.

Draco stared on amused. "Er..."

Snape placed his reading glasses on his face and began to smoke the pipe.

"Uh..." Draco started, snapping out of his daze. "What are you doing? You're dripping everywhere! Don't you ever bathe?"

"Occassionally" Snape blew a ring of smoke in Draco's face, who started to cough wildly. "MOTHER! MOTHER, I'M DYING! HE'S KILLED ME!"

The only response he recieved was a loud thud and a few screams from the study. They must have been practicing dueling. Yes, that was it. Draco groaned and fell back onto his covers, attempting to clear his mind. Perhaps if he closed his eyes and opened them again, Snape would go away. He did just that, but as he half- expected, there was Snape blowing smoke and chuckling at something in the book's pages. But what could possibly be funny enough to make the potion's master laugh? He squinted curiously at the front cover. A blonde boy was kneeled over a sink and seemed to sobbing, a ghostly image of a girl at his side... wait a minute. Was that...? He could feel the blood leaving his face. Sure enough the title read, MALFOY AND THE BATHROOM BLUES: A TRUE STORY. Scribbled sloppily under the title was, BY PEEVES THE POLTERGEIST. The last amount of blood seemed to seep from his head, and that was the last thing he remembered before drifting off into a deep sleep.