This was originally conceived to time its release with the release of Police Squad on DVD. My brother believes Police Squad to be the funniest show ever to appear on television. Only six episodes were aired. Originally I intended to load the story with references to the show, but unfortunately the show relied heavily on visual humor which is hard to reproduce in literary form. (How do I manage to kill this week's special guest star, Peter Lupus, while the opening credits are rolling? How many of you would even know why Peter Lupus was the special guest star?) A couple references to the show remain, but most were never written. And, the truth be told, I didn't like it as well as my brother. But if you like the films of Jim Abrahams and David and Jerry Zucker you should look for their foray into television, Police Squad, the DVD released on November 6, 2006.
TempestDash created the names of several old enemies of Team Go: Bella Negra (who I have re-written from her role in his work), Obtinus, Serpent King, and Hellpike. Aviarius comes from the show, of course.
NoDrogs created the twins in A Small Possibility. I altered their origin for my stories.
Boilerplate Disclaimer: Disney owns all the various characters from the Kim Possible series. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.
Chapter 1 - 7:00 am
Shego changed diapers on the twins while she waited for Kim to finish her shower. The pale woman had tried to convince the redhead that showering together would save time. But the younger woman pointed out that this had never yet been true. When the phone rang she quickly finished Sheki and put her in the playpen with her sister before picking up the phone.
"Is this Will, or Ed?"
"Will. Hey, have you watched the news? Or maybe it wasn't on in your market."
"What are you talking about?"
"Hego's been captured. At least that's the police report."
Shego headed into her bedroom, looking around for the remote as she kept talking. "I can't believe that. The big jerk is too tough for anything there to take him."
"Look, I'm telling you what the morning news has here. Some sort of fight last night - well early this morning. Story is he was with some woman at a restaurant when they were attacked."
Shego swore, "What woman?"
"Don't know. Reports were confused. There were very different descriptions of her. Ed got into his Wego uniform and went to the police station to get a better idea of what happened. If something could take out the big guy Ed and I want you here."
Shego had the local news on, volume down, but was seeing a story about poor nutrition in school lunches. "What about Matt?"
"I'm calling him as soon as I get off the line with you. He may already have seen the story. But you live a lot further away so I called you first. We need you."
"First, I can't believe the big jerk is really in trouble. And I might know who he was… Damn, he really could be in trouble. I'm going to make a call. Maybe I can find something out without leaving Middleton."
"Do what you can. I'd hate for us to have to call in a favor from you in order to get you to help your own brother. You know he'd be there for you."
"Yeah, I know. You at home or Go Tower?"
"At home, at least for now. I'll call you when Ed comes back with information."
"I'll call you if I find out anything."
Kim came out wrapped in a towel while Shego frantically called directory assistance. Shego would normally have enjoyed watching Kim get dressed before taking her own shower, but instead she impatiently punched in the number she was given.
"Welcome to the HUAC helpline," the annoying mechanical voice intoned. "Please listen carefully to the following options since the menu has changed. If you are wanting an autograph or photo, please say autograph now… If you are looking for a schedule of upcoming HUAC appearances please say schedule, now… If you are hoping to have a member of the HUAC at a future event please say promotions, now… If you are looking to report an emergency please say emergency now…"
"EMERGENCY!" Kim looked over at Shego, suddenly curious.
"Did you say, emergency?" the mechanical voice asked.
"If the emergency is a natural disaster please say disaster, now… If the emergency is an alien invasion please say aliens, now… If the emergency involves super-powered villains please say villains, now… If you have a normal emergency, please hang up and dial 911. If you have a disaster truly worthy of the HUAC's attention which does not fall into the categories above please say other, now…"
"Did you say, other?"
"Hold on, while we connect you with our emergency help desk." There were several clicks, and a deeper mechanical voice spoke. "Welcome of the Heroes United Against Crime emergency help desk. Due to the high volume of calls hold times are currently … thirteen minutes. All calls are answered in the order they are received. Your call will be traced and recorded for security purposes."
Shego lay down and took deep, cleansing breaths to try and get her temper under control. After a minute she noticed Kim, now fully dressed in her Global Justice uniform, staring at her.
"I'm on hold."
"What's going on? What's the emergency?"
"Family emergency. Hego has gone missing. I'm following a possible lead. I may have to head out of town. If I'm not here when you get home tonight, call my mom... Damn, I'm watching the girls today."
"What do you mean, 'No'?"
"I mean your family is going to be my family. If he needs help I'm going with you. We've got to figure out who can watch the girls."
"You don't need to do that."
"I want to. I'll go tell Ron to go ahead without me."
"That would be great. I still hope to find something out with this call. I think I've got about ten more minutes before I get a real person."
Kim was back in about four minutes, with Ron. As Shego struggled to pull down the hem of her nightgown Ron politely looked away and Kim whispered, "Still on hold?"
"Ron says he's coming with us."
"Look, I'm not even sure I have to head for Chicago."
"Well, we'll stay here until you decide. I'll call Global Justice and say we might be late. Then we can talk about the girls."
Ron moved behind Shego and started to massage the knotted muscles in her back and shoulders to help her relax. "Damn, you're good Stoppable. Give up the idea of cooking and become a masseuse. I'd pay more for this than a meal."
Eventually a voice, heavy with an accent from India, finally came on the line, "Good morning, and how may we be pleased to help you?"
"I need to talk to someone at the HUAC satellite about Speed Queen."
"If you are wanting an autographed picture I can connect you with the proper desk."
"No, I need to see if they know where she is."
"If you are wanting to set up a personal appearance I can connect you with the proper desk."
Apparently the man's job was actually to keep calls from reaching the HUAC rather than facilitating the process. Perhaps it was just as well he was in India, had he been within the continental United States there is a chance Shego would have sought him out later to inflict serious bodily injury. It was almost 8:00 when a deep male voice spoke, "Wingman here, how can the HUAC help you."
"Look, my name is Shego, that may not mean anything to you. My brother, Hego, went through membership application last January. Speed Queen took him up. He may have been with her last night, according to the news he's missing this morning. Can you locate her?"
"This is terribly irregular. We don't like to pry into the private lives of our members."
"I don't give a shit about her private life. She can rot in hell for all I care - in fact I'm sure she will. I want to make sure my brother is safe."
"What did you say your name… Look, I had nothing to do with that. She swore it was consensual. You never pressed charges."
"I was drunk. There is no meaningful consent when you're drunk. And I sure as hell would never have consented to that." Shego was starting to shake. Kim gestured Ron from the room and put her on hands on her partner's shoulders. "And I was wanted. I would have gone to prison if I filed a complaint. And who in the hell would the jury have believed, a criminal or a member of HUAC?"
"Give me you phone number. I promise to see if I can locate her. I'll be back with you for anything I find out, anything, within twenty minutes. And let me give you the direct number for the satellite."
Shego's hands were trembling almost too hard to write, but she managed to copy the number clearly enough that at least she would be able to read it. When she hung up she started crying and Kim held her tight.
"It must have really been hard for you to make that call last January."
"I did it for Hego. I hope I didn't mess his life up."