Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter
A/N: Woow. Lol. Hello dearies. I'm so sorry for being so slack… but y'know, I only have one more exam and then I'm FREE! I also turn 18 today… so woohoo for me. So… I suppose this is a birthday present from me to you. I liked writing this… it's not finished, remember that. I have to just finish the second part and I'll probably end up posting that on Friday if you're really lucky. Or on Sunday… I leave Sydney for Melbourne on Friday so I'll be lucky if I can get to a computer before Sunday night.
Anyway. I hope you like the beginning of this. Little depressing… it'll turn out ok though, I promise. I really hope you like it! Also, apologies to my beta reader, but I'm not at home and I just couldn't wait to upload this… I'll send you the second part.
Please remember to review!
Part One: I Never Loved You Anyway
Just watching her sends a deep pain right down through my chest.
Knowing she wanted him more than me just… makes me want to let go of everything and sob and cry until I can't anymore.
Watching her look after him with love and hate hurts.
It makes me want to disappear.
"I'm sorry Harry… I do love you. But I just don't do relationships," she said, shrugging slightly and looking at him, her eyebrows creased with worry and concern.
Harry's heart sunk through his body, feeling as though it'd sunk through his legs and down to the floor. "What about Ron?"
"He's the only person I've ever wanted to date, and I hate him now."
She looks so lost, but so in love as she looks at photos of him.
He doesn't even notice anymore… ever since they broke up, he hasn't spoken to her, and he's hardly spoken to me. His selfishness astounds me… and I wonder how on earth he could miss how wonderful… how gorgeous… how absolutely beautiful she is.
I hate him.
I actually hate him.
He could have her… if he wanted her. He could know how beautiful she is… he could know everything about her… everything I dream of knowing about her.
"So… how's Hermione?" Ron was shuffling his body weight around and he avoided Harry's eye.
"She's dealing," Harry said, shortly.
"How are you?"
Of course, you can tell by my tone of voice that I'm being one hundred percent honest.
Because the Boy-Who-Lived is always fine.
There's nothing wrong with his life.
He's quite content living his life out alone and certainly not in love with his best friend. No, if he were then they'd be a couple already! Yes, because everyone knows that no one can resist the handsome, sweet and sensitive Boy-Who-Lived.
"I don't understand why I expected anything to happen," Harry sighed exasperatedly.
"You love her. That's reason enough."
"But Ginny, she doesn't love me the same way."
Ginny frowned and said, "That's because she's still hung up on my stupid brother."
"She won't get over him."
"She will. Just give it time."
"How much fucking time do I have to give her?! It's been a year already since I told her, and it's been a year and a half since they broke up!"
"Harry, calm down. It'll be okay."
It doesn't feel like it'll be okay. We still spend time together… we go out for coffee every now and then. She still owls me every so often.
But it hurts… every time I hear her voice, every time I see her. Every time I see her neat little writing.
The thought of her thinking about him, more than me makes me want to dig a hole and just bury myself.
The thought of her wanting him more than me… it hurts.
The thought of everything we've ever been through together… it actually makes my chest want to cave in on itself.
"So how are you?"
"About the same as you last saw me."
Hermione sighed heavily, "Harry –"
"Don't," he cut across her, holding up a hand.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Then what's the point in us talking?"
Harry frowned, "… I don't know anymore."
I really don't know why I bother anymore.
I think I'll just… leave it. I'm sick of it. Feelings are gone. Yes, they're gone. I'm going to leave them alone… I won't talk to her.
"That's it," I mutter softly, glancing over at the mirror from the shower. The water is still pounding down on my head and the glass in front of me is fogged. My reflection looks blurry but I know how red my eyes are. I sigh heavily and turn back to turn the water off.
She was under my skin. But now she's not…
"Didn't you tell him once that you loved him? More than a friend?"
"Ginny –" Hermione started to say, but Ginny cut across her swiftly,
"No Hermione, you told him you loved him."
"Yes but –"
"Do you blame him for not talking to you now?"
"Do you want to rebuild your relationship with him?"
"Of course I do."
"Short of leaving your hopeless feelings of Ron behind and acting upon your love for Harry, I don't see how that's possible."
"How much do you love him?"
"More than a friend."
"Are you going to let something like this ruin everything you two have together? Especially since you feel the same way to an extent."
"I can't just go up to him and say, 'hey Harry, I love you too! Let's get together!' It doesn't work like that!"
"So start by apologising. Start by trying to rebuild the relationship."
"I've already tried that."
I don't know how to make everything better. I know I've screwed everything up… everything that might have been. I've stuffed our lives up.
I remember when we were in school; a simple broom ride would calm Harry down. He'd come back all refreshed and apologise to whoever he had been angry at.
This isn't just some silly little fight though… I know I've broken his heart.
And… in some odd way, he's broken mine too.
"What do you want?"
"I just want to talk to you Harry."
"We've spent our whole lives talking, Hermione."
"Why can't we talk a little more?"
"Because I'm tired of talking."
"I don't know what to say to you anymore."
"But Harry –"
He kissed me… he just leaned forward and kissed me…
It was a nice kiss too.
His lips were softer than I imagined… and he tasted just… so good.
But it wasn't for a very long time. It ended and he watched me with sad eyes as I tried to compose myself… I was going to tell him I felt the same way…
But he disapparated.
"Oh no, no, no! Harry James Potter, you come back here!"
"Selfish bastard. Didn't give me any fucking time to tell him how I feel."
He kissed me… and he left. In the same moment I felt my heart flutter around my chest happily, and then sink so low I felt as though I could throw up.
If there was one good thing about that kiss (apart from the fact that I now know that he's a pretty damn good kisser)… it would be that I'm finally not confused about my feelings. I know I love him now… that might sound a little mean, but… I want to feel his lips on mine again. I want to feel his body pressed up against mine.
I need to tell him how I feel… I just hope I'm not too late.
"Are you sure he'll come?"
"Of course I'm sure Hermione."
"What if you're wrong?"
"I'm not, believe me."
"Did you tell him why he's coming here?"
"Yes. And I also told him that if he didn't come, I'd be forced to hex him. Remember the Bat Bogey hex? Haven't used it in a while… but I'm sure I'll remember it if he doesn't come."
"Oh calm down Ginny."
"Harry," Hermione breathed, spinning around to look at him.
To be continued…