Disclaimer: I don't own All My Children. Nope, just don't.

GothGurl: Because sometimes, as much as I love them, the AMC gang is just begging to be mocked.

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Hello, you've reached the office for the Pine Valley resident therapy. Thank you for calling, and if you'd like to speak to one of our therapists, please listen to the following choices;

If you are Erica Kane, then you are an extreme narcissist. We could try telling you which button to press, but you'll probably either think you're too good for the button or you'll completely ignore us and press a button YOU like better. However, if you are in one of your more reasonable moods (as you sometimes are) then please press 1 to learn that the world does NOT, in fact, revolve around you.

If you are JR Chandler, then you have freakishly intense abandonment issues. Grab a tissue, your teddy bear, and press 2 for help. Don't worry, we won't hang up on you.

If you're Lily Montgomery, frankly, I'm surprised Jackson actually let you dial this number all by yourself without going on one of his deranged over-protective-father rampages. Good for you Lily! Oh, and you can press 3 if you want, but we're afraid there's not much you can do about raging teenage hormones, sorry for the inconvenience.

If you are Zach Slater, then you suffer from a chronological need to please. We know you would press four if we told you to, so instead, we merely SUGGEST pressing four to learn how to say NO to a damsel in distress.

If you are Ryan Lavery, then press five...no, five! FIVE, we said, not four..! C'mon, its right next to the six...TEN? My goodness Ryan, just what button are you trying to press anyway?

If you are Jonathan Lavery, then...whoa. We can't possibly list all your issues here, so just go ahead and press six already.

If you are Ethan Cambias, then you are dead. Don't bother pressing seven.

If you are Janet From Another Planet, then you have multiple personality disorder. Please press eight and nine.

If you are Babe Chandler, then you have dialed the wrong number. Please call the number to register with the sex addicts listing.

Thank you for calling.

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GothGurl: Well, I hadn't posted anything in awhile so...:P

Please no flames, all mocking is in good humor.