Going Under

When I was human, I remember being naïve. Not that I could remember much, just small bits and pieces, usually pivotal moments during my eighteen years of human existence, and they played like movies inside my head.

I mean, how could I actually believe it when he told me I was beautiful? I knew that I wasn't, somewhere deep inside, but I let his words rule over me.

How could I believe it when he said he'd loved me? I loved him so much; there are no words to describe how I felt about him. I thought, no, I knew, that he loved me back, at least for a little while. I always knew that he would come to his senses and see me for what I really was; human, weak, and pathetic. But he, he was perfect. He was perfect at everything. From loving me, to making me believe that I was beautiful and that he cared for me, to making my heart go into frenzied palpations every time he pressed his icy lips to mine…

But what Edward was the most perfect at was lying. Edward promised me forever. Eternity. That boy promised me the world, and I was naïve enough to believe him. For a long time I figured that the vampire-version of forever was much shorter than a human-version. An eternity shorter. But, being a vampire for as long as I have, I learned that this is not the case. It was simply a lack of caring. Or way too much caring to be completely necessary.

Edward Cullen wrecked me. He said he wanted me to be safe. He was putting me in constant danger, couldn't live with himself if he were to cause me pain. Well how about now? I was no longer human, no longer normal. I was his equal. Every day was painful. I yearned for him, yet I hated him. For fifty years I have experienced mixed motions, torturing me as I contemplated forever what he had really been trying to tell me.

I wondered when I was still human why he didn't just change me, to make me like him. It would just strengthen our grip on each other, making sure that we'd have forever. Again, I was naïve.

So now that I am what I so wanted to become, I wish that I were again human. So many experiences I had missed out on. I could still do them now as a vampire, but it would be completely different. And on top of that, there was the constant loneliness. It was like a dull ache in the back of your mind, like a headache that never quite goes away. I was always surrounded by my coven, my family, but inside, I was partly empty. And I know they know that they can never fill the Cullen's place. No matter how often Olivia took me shopping with her, no matter how many games of baseball Andrew played with me.

Don't get me wrong, it felt so lovely to be able to enjoy these things with them, my family, but there was always something missing. I ignored it during the day, while there were things to keep me busy. But when the human world slept, the emptiness crushed me. And as soon as I had met the Hadrian's I noticed that the gaping hole where my heart used to be was slowly filling. Now living was not as hard as it used to be. I was eternally grateful to them. I owed them my life. What was left of it, anyway.