A/N: Doesn't it seem like most Zutara fics follow this formula these days? -isn't really a huge Zutara fan- Even so, I had fun writing this; I got to use any idea in the example story I could think up, no matter how stupid.
Update: (18.Jun.07) Wow, I'm really surprised by the number of people who like this fic! Of course, there are those who don't, but really, what can I expect? I didn't write this to bash Zutara shippers; it's just that (as with any popular couple) there're more than enough terrible fics to go around. And I don't doubt that there are good ones. Lastly, I'm not trying to "fix" the fandom with this. I'm aware that there are plenty of "How to Write an Awesome Avatar Fic"-themed works available, but this isn't one of them. I'm just poking fun at something bad I see too much of.
Disclaimer: Not mine. In fact, I used Ryomi's fic 'How To Make A Really Bad Dragon Ball Z Fanfic' as a guide for this.
How to Write A Typical Zutara Fic
Step 1: Since you don't even have an account here at The Pit think up a stupid, painfully long penname. Use every single Japanese name you can think of, since you're obviously an anime fan, because you like Avatar.
Requested penname: Sakura-Usagi-Kagome-Nami-Ayame-chan
Step 2: At 3:36 AM, write a nervous author's note saying to leave nice reviews…or else, making sure to incorporate tons of Japanese words into it.
Konnichiwa, minna-san! Sakura-Usagi-Kagome-Nami-Ayame-chan here! I'm very nervous, because this is my very first Avatar fic! Be nice to me in your reviews, onegai! Also, since it's 3:36 in the morning, there might be some spelling and grammar mistakes. But that's not my fault! I don't have a beta yet! Kyaaaaa! Anyway, read and review! Arigatou!
Step 3: Make your disclaimer as obnoxious as you possibly can. Add a sexual comment about your favorite character, if you want.
Disclaimer: Avatar doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Michael Dante Demartino-sama, Brian Konietzko-sama, and Nickelodeon. Waaaahhhh, please don't sue me, you guys! I didn't mean to steal your characters or anything! Actually, I did, but I don't wanna get in trouble for it! I just wanna write stories about your characters, because they're really hot! Especially Zuko! Damn, he's so fine! I just wanna tie him to my bed! … -does this-
Step 4: Frighteningly trashy intro!
Once upon a time in like China or something, there was a girl named Katara. She was really pretty. Actually, she was really hot. All the boys wanted to have sex with her. Even her brother Sokka. He was really hot, too. They could have hot incestuous sex, but that would be gross, because brothers and sisters can't have sex or else they'll go to Hell.
Anyway, there was this really hot prince named Zuko. He had a HUUUUUUGE crush on Katara. He wanted to have sex with her, but she didn't know about it because she was too busy walking around with the Avatar. He was really hot, even though he was only 12. And he had a huge crush on Katara, too. Anyway, Zuko hated the Avatar and his friends (except for Katara), and he kept trying to kill them. But whenever he'd see Katara, he'd get a boner and have run away because he didn't want Katara to see. He was shy.
Step 5: Make sex the only thing any of the characters think about. They may become out-of-character now.
"Man, I wanna have sex with Katara," said Aang. "If I don't, I might go into the Avatar State and kill everyone!"
"Yeah, me too!" yelled Sokka. But then he blushed, because he was embarrassed that he wanted to have sex with his sister. Aang laughed. Momo and Appa laughed too, as well as animals could laugh. Just then, Zuko and Uncle Iroh strolled over.
"As long as I'm around, that'll never happen!" the prince shouted, pointing his two swords at Sokka and Aang.
"Oh yeah?!" Aang and Sokka chorused.
"Yeah!" Zuko yelled back. For a moment, all was silent. Uncle Iroh sipped his tea loudly.
Step 5: Incorporate a random plot twist, making sure relationships have nothing to do with the feelings of the characters.
"First one to have sex with Katara wins!" Aang yelled suddenly. Then, all four of them —including Uncle Iroh— ran toward where Katara was taking a bath under a waterfall. As they ran, they all stripped off their clothes, even though it's very hard to run and get naked at the same time.
Thanks to his many years of royal training and conditioning, Zuko made it to the waterfall first.
Step 6: Lemonize! But don't use any words that describe genitalia, because that'll send you to Hell.
Then Zuko put his sex into Katara's sex, and they had sex long into the night.
Step 7: End the fic at a completely random point in the plot. Don't worry if loose ends weren't wrapped up.
Aang, Sokka and Uncle Iroh sat around a campfire, sadly sipping at some freshly-brewed tea and listening to the sounds of Zuko and Katara having sex a few feet away. They were all sad, because they didn't get to have sex with Katara. But Sokka was secretly happy, since he wasn't going to go to Hell for having sex with his sister.
Step 8: At 3:52 AM, write an ending note. It may not be modest in any way. Feel free to leave the Caps Lock on, because everything you say in this end note is of utmost importance.
THANK YOU ALL FOR READING MY LOVELY FIC. I HOPED YOU LIKED! I WORKED REALLY HARD ON IT, AND IT YOU DON'T REVIEW, I MIGHT JUST HAVE TO EAT YOUR FACE OFF. AND IF YOU FLAME ME, THEN PREPARE TO DIE!! YOU'LL BURN IN HELL IN SOKKA'S PLACE!! IF YOU FLAME ME, THEN I HOPE YOUR HOUSE BURNS DOWN AND YOU GET CANCER AND SMALL POX AT THE SAME TIME AND DIE!! R'N'R, MINNA-SAN!!
A/N: We're all going to Hell, you guys.