I KNOW I shouldn't start on another story, but I've gotta. I was on DA and I saw this adorable pic of Squee and Nny and I was inspired to write. So write I shall. Devi/Nny, but Squee is hangin' about so nothin's gonna happen as long as he's around. Gets me out of romance situations. THANK YOU LOOPHOLE.
Disclaimer of unadulterated terror: -the Grudge child is talking- Kalilamae owns nothing! -lights flicker and you can hear spooky Grudge sounds-
Warnings: This IS a JtHM fic meaning violence, language, and extremely absurd occurences. If you have read my Naruto fics and don't know what JtHM is... you can still read it.
For my Naruto readers: Things won't make much sense to you, but it may be funnier because you don't know how commonplace this sort of thing is in the series. A bunch of the stuff in this won't even crack a smile from a JtHM fan since it's completely normal to them. The taquito joke in TRB5 is an example; that was normal compared to this stuff. If you are under 13 then don't go looking for JtHM books. This fic is cleaner than the actual thing, mostly because I am not giving you a physical image of these awful things and I don't cuss as much. You probably won't get some of the jokes in this story, but pwease review.
Everyone else review as well. They taste like yum. You know, I think there is a cat food that says that on the back... Kit n' Kaboodle? Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's it. With the kitty's dancing all over it.
A tall thin man sat in the front seat of the gray vehicle. His eyes were fixed into a glare and focused onto the road ahead, barely noticing the small boy in the back of his car.
"Stupid moose..." he muttered.
"Um... Mr. Scary Neighbor Man sir?"
The gangly driver nodded for him to continue, still staring at the asphalt of the road.
The seven year old was obviously terrified of the man but spoke anyway. "Thank you for driving me to Scool. Usually daddy makes me walk."
The blue haired man fought to control his anger towards the little boy's father and put on what he wanted to be a reasurring smile but turned out to be more of a manic grin.
"S'okay Squee. It's not like I have anything else to do anyway."
"Um... Mr. Neighbor Man... What's wrong with the world?"
To hear such a question come from the mouth of a first grader was strange to him.
"Well Squeegee, humans beings are what is wrong with the world. The people in it, what the people do..." his quiet tone of explanation elevated to rage, "WHAT THE PEOPLE SAY!"
He began yet another psychotic rant, telling the poor child all about the horrible things that people did, which inevitably led to the horrible things that he himself did.
"And that's what is wrong with the world." snarled the blue haired man a mortified kid as he reached the Scool. "Oh, and have a great day!"
The wide eyed child nodded and hopped out of the car, a slight smile on his face.
Johnny walked slowly up to the door of his pathetic excuse of a house, his hand in pockets and a frown on his face. His journey to rid himself of emotion had failed and now he was back where he started; a rundown building with a huge multi-level basement full of awful things. It was cold in his house. Nothing stopped the winter air save a few flimsy boards, so when he entered the first place he headed were the lower levels of the home.
It was certainly warmer in the basement, but not exactly comfortable. The whole place reeked of blood and rot and was made entirely of concrete. The only places to sit were the various metal devices scattered about, and one would be a fool to sit in a chair with hundreds of needles aimed for one's eyes. Johnny wasn't a fool, just a psychopathic killer. There's a difference between an idiot and a crazy person.
Now that he was cuddled into a hard corner soaked in the blood of a rather unfortunate individual he decided he would pay his little neighbor friend a visit.
Todd Casil slept as fitfully as he always had. Shmee grinned at him from his bedside table, reassuring him that nothing was alright. Todd turned over and groggily woke up to the sound of breaking glass.
"What the..." he started before realizing that someone broke through his window.
Oh my gosh, someone is in my room! Eeee... who could it be? The ghost girl again? Please don't be a Hellmo doll...
Johnny noted the room still had it's disturbing wallpaper and that Squee had posted up various drawings including an even more badly drawn Happy Noodle Boy screeching "BERSERK BABIES IN MAH UNDERPANTS ARE EATING MY ANKLES!"
"Hey Squeegee. Whatchadoin'?"
Todd's eyes flew open and stared in horror at the man in his room. It was two AM and Johnny the Homicidal Maniac was standing in his room with shards of glass sticking out of him.
Gah! Scary Neighbor Man is back! Ooh, what if he wants to kill me?
"Squee..." he squeed quietly in fear, something he hadn't done as often since Johnny had left.
Johnny nodded. "Mmyep, Squee. Turns out that Mr. Samsa is hard to imitate. I wasted three months on a fickle dream of coldness..." Johnny then muttered darkly to himself, incomprehensible but obviously angry.
"Um. Johnny sir, it's two AM. Do you need anything?" Todd said uneasily.
His anger was destroyed by a suddeny idea. "No. I was just bored. Wanna come buy a brainfreezy with me?"
"Okay." Todd got up and they left his home through the window, even though Squee was still in his pajamas.
They finally walked into the store only for Johnny to see none other than Devi D.
He stared at her all creepy like but she hadn't noticed him yet. Squee on the other hand wondered why Johnny would stare at anyone, much less a girl.
"M-mr. Neighbor Man? What're you looking at?" Todd finally whispered.
"Devi." he said.
At that moment Devi turned around to see the door blocked by Johnny. A little boy who looked to be in first or second grade was standing a little ways off from him.
"OH MY GOD GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAK DON'T KILL ME! C'MON KID LETS GO!"
She grabbed Squee and ran like the dickens, whatever THAT means.
Johnny watched as she dashed down the street. He briefly considered chasing her, but after a quick glance to the Brainfreezy machine he changed his mind.
Suddenly a familiar scenario befell him. The machine was not on.
"I need the freezy. Give me the freezy, dammit!" he screeched at the machine.
"Dude, fag, it's been off for hours. We started turning it off again a couple of months ago when the freak that used to come here stopped showing up." the cashier said in a stoned voice.
"Do I need to go through this again? My life is nothing without it!" Johnny said with escalating rage. I think we all know what happens after this. The shooting, attempted suicide, Fizz-Wizz, moral dilemma... yeah. Old news. What would a boyscout do?
Devi however, was distraught. Now she was stuck in her apartment with a seven year old.
"Um, ma'am, could you put me down?"
"Of course, sorry. What were you doing with alone in the 24-7?"
"I wasn't. Mr. Scary Neighbor Man brought me there."
"Uh, Mr. Scary Neighbor Man brought me there. My neighbor."
"Y-yeh. Scary Neighbor Man. Johnny."
"Um. Yeah. He a little scary, but he's nice to me."
"Kid, it's not safe to hang around him. He might hurt you!" Devi said, trying not to break it to a kid that his neighbor tried to kill his girlfriend.
"You mean the murdering thing? I know... I try to make him stop it, b-but he thinks he has a good reason. I don't r-really hang out with him though. He kinda just shows up and we sometimes buys me chips or something. He just got back from... somewhere. He wasn't real specific. So he brought me to get a freezy."
"... wait, he kills people?"
"I though that was just me... so why were you with him?"
"I told ya. He got back from his 'vacation' as he p-put it and when he came back he broke my window again and suggested that w-we get Brainfreezies."
"He was probably off raping teenagers, the creep." snorted the purple haired lady angrily.
"Oh yeah? What makes you think that kid? Is Johnny wonderfully nice to everyone and pass out daisies on Saturday?"
"Um. N-no. He doesn't like touching people. I think he's scared of touching people actually. And m-my name's Todd. Mr. Neighbor Man calls me S-squeegee though, cause of the sound I make when I get s-scared." I wish Shmee were here! Why hasn't Johnny saved me from this lady yet? SQUEE!
"Hm... look, just stay with me tonight. I don't want you walking around this city in the middle of the night. I'm Devi D."
"Th-that's okay. Mr. Neighbor Man will take me home. Uh, if you don't mind me asking, how do you know him?"
"Feh. I dated him for a while and then he tried to kill me. I've lived in fear since then."
"But he hasn't even been in this city for three months... anyway, er, Devi, he was staring at you. But not like he stared at the... the g-guy at the m-mall." He stopped talking abrubtly. Todd's experience replayed through his head. The picture of Johnny's blood soaked knives tearing right through the molester's skull and into his brain... And the calm explanation for the brutal murder. He killed the man so easily, watched the life drain from him with what was almost joy, appreciation for the work he had done.
Squee was shaking violently and whispering quietly, "Didn't need to teach me, Johnny, didn't need to teach me..."
Johnny walked down the street to Devi's apartment, holding a Fizz-Wizz in each bloodied glove. Skillfully lifting his steel toed boot, he opened her door.
"Eh, Squeegee? Whatcha' shaking for?" he said, paying no heed to Devi who was trying to calm Todd down.
"SQUEE!" he shrieked and hid behind Johnny's leg when Devi tried to grab his shoulders.
"You shouldn't scare little kids like that. Here Squee, I brought you a Fizz-Whiz. It's cherry."
"I SHOULDN'T SCARE KIDS? YOU JUST MADE THIS POOR THING HAVE A SEIZURE!"
"Thanks... Um. S-scary Neighbor Man, why is this bottle drenched in blood?" Todd said as calmly as he could, almost used to Johnny's strange behavior, and trying to ignore Devi's screaming.
"One second." Johnny stepped over to Devi and hit her over the head with the butt of his knife. Her panic stopped instantly, but then Johnny explained the Fizz-Wizz.
"They turned off the FUCKING Brainfreezy machine! WHY THE HELL WOULD THEY DO THAT?! THEY TAUNT ME! THEY TAUNT ME SO!"
"Let's go home, Mr. Neighbor Man..."
"HOW HARD IS IT TO NOT TOUCH THE MACHINE! JUST LEAVE IT ALONE!"
"Squee!" Todd closed his eyes, believing himself to be on the brink of death.
Johnny sipped his Fizz-Wizz and took a shuddering breath, not wanting to hurt Todd."Fine. I'll just talk to Devi at my house." He picked up Devi and prepared to walk out the door.
I don't think the Devi lady will like waking up in a bloody basement. thought Squee.
"Um. Um." Squee stuttered and searched for words.
"Oi, what is it? I wanna go!" Nny snarled.
"N-nothing." squeaked out Todd.
For what seemed like forever, Todd was sitting in a concrete room deep in the house on a musty matress next to the unmoving form of Devi D. and Shmee. They had stopped to get that 'damn bear' before going to Johnny's house. Johnny was upstairs making Sketti-O's to eat with his Fizz-Wizz.
Todd was glad that the room they were in was quite clean besides a creepy statue from the burger place in the corner.
Devi slowly sat up, her head pounding. It was dark and warm in the room and she could hear a small voice talking.
"Shmee... I never knew that Nny had a girlfriend. He might have told me, but it's hard to understand what he's sayin' sometimes... 'specially when he gets sad. Ya know?"
It was the kid from earlier. He had a demented teddy bear, and he was apparently speaking to it.
"Of course he has reason to be sad, silly! People make fun of him like they make fun of me. Nuh uh, Shmee. Johnny won't hurt me and I'm NOT going to burn his house down. That would be rude. Being invited to someone's house and then burning it down? You should learn some manners, Shmee... what? She's awake?"
He turned to see Devi looking at him.
"Oh." Todd said, "Hi. Mr. Neighbor Man wants you to stay in here, but you don't really have a choice. He locked me in here with you to make sure you d-didn't get hurt. He expected you to wake up sooner, but I think he hit your head harder than he meant to. And he said to not be scared of him."
Devi was hysterical, but forced herself to calm down. A seven year old wasn't going to do anything to her!
"Um. Why... wouldn't I be... scared of him?"
"What, do you think he's goin' to hurt you? He just wants to talk with ya. I said that you wouldn't mind talking to him anyway, but then he screeched about a phone shooting him and hell bagels. I decided not to keep trying to convince him since he was gettin' crazy again..."
"Hell bagels. Ok, Todd, just what is wrong with your neighbor?"
Upstairs Johnny was having tons of nonexistant fun trying to make his food. He couldn't find the Sketti-Os.
Cabinet? No. Fridge? No. Gaping hole in the wall? Yep. There they were.
Cheerfully he poured the delicious noodley circles in the pot only to realize that he didn't have a spoon.
"Johnny is really easily upset," Todd said quietly, "Lots of things set him off, and he says that the voices tell him that those who ridicule him or say 'wacky' NEED to die. I don't know what he was talking about with the wacky thing."
Devi recalled a news report in which everyone in the Taco Smell was killed with a magical spoon/fork or something. It was apparently very 'wacky'.
She nodded for Todd to continue.
"WHERE IS THE FUCKING SPOON?! WHERE IS IT?!"
"Um. He also doesn't like people that much. He's kinda scared of people in a way. I dunno why he likes me so much."
Johnny suddenly stomped into the room.
"Squee. Do you have a SPOON?" he snarled visciously, closing the door behind him.
Todd quivered and nodded, giving him a spoon which was in his pocket along with a bottle of bactine.
Johnny smiled suddenly and as he left said, "Thanks Squeegee."
Squee nodded and waited for him to be out of hearing range.
"And he goes from angry to happy to sad really quick. You can't tell what he's gonna do."
This kid is practically Johnny's therapist! Suprised the little boy's still sane.
Johnny walked back in.
"The Sketti-Os are too old. I can't- oh. You're awake. Heh, sorry about hitting you on the head. You were hysterical."
"Well let's see, I find out that you've tried to kill people other than me AND that your best friend is in first grade! That's just creepy!"
"Wha...? No, Nailbunny is my best friend. Squeegee's pretty nice though. And you're the only person I tried to kill and didn't."
"Nailbunny? Johnny, WHAT are you talking about?"
"Um. I'll be right back."
He reentered with the head of a rabbit, it's eyes sunk deep into it's head.
"I fed him once and nailed him to a wall." he said sadly.
Squee stared at the bunny. It was weird lookin'.
"I fed him once and then nailed him to the wall. He scared me."
"The bunny... scared you?"
"Mmyep. Now he helps me out once in a while. Like... like Shmee helps Squeegee."
"The lint infested bastard." he added bitterly.
"Shmee isn't linty!" Squee protested. He poked the bear a couple of times. "Ok, maybe a little linty, but not infested with it."
"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!" shrieked Devi.
"Uh, go on home Squeegee. I wanna talk to her."
"Ok Scary Neighbor Man." he tottered up the stairs and across the street to his home.
"Fmeh. Devi. Why do you hate me?"
"You tried to kill me." she growled.
"Well... I said I was sorry..."
"You can't just APOLIGIZE for attempted murder Johnny." Devi said in a flat tone.
"It wasn't MY fault Devi. And I don't kill people anymore." Johnny's thoughts drifted to the weird green kid he slaughtered this morning, a strange boy with a long sycthe of hair cheering him on. He said the green kid was an alien, so he wasn't technically lying. But after that he killed everyone in the grocery store. So he WAS lying. Well fine. I'll just get back into my habit AFTER she stops hating me.
"How is trying to kill someone not your fault?"
"The doughboys... Mr. Eff made me do it. That retarded blob of styrofoam and his suicidal pal D-Boy. But as far as I know, I'm voice-free now!"
Sorry mah boy, but no such luck. Ya stil have the Reverend here to chat. said MEAT.
And me. said D-boy.
And me. said Mr. Eff.
What? Huh? Oh. I'm here too. Nailbunny said.
"Yep. No voices." Johnny said again.
"Okaaay then. So two Pilsbury losers convinced you to try and kill me?"
"Um. Yeah. I wouldn't want to associate them with food though. They said that if I went out with you something would go horribly wrong, so they told me to 'immortalize the moment'. Rather silly looking back on it now."
"Aaaw... You tried to kill me cause you never wanted me to leave? That's sweet in a horribly twisted way." Devi said in a 'aw lookit da puppy!' voice.
"So. You forgive me?"
They both stared at eachother wondering what to do.
"HOLY FUCK I LEFT THE SKETTI-O'S ON THE STOVE!!!"
Up in his room, Squee cringed and buried himself deeper in the covers. I hope Johnny doesn't tell me anymore bedtime stories... or leave dead things in my room.
Whooo. Chapter two will be soon. Well my happy campers, what do ya think? Stupid? Crazy? Illiterate? Hilarious? OOC? All of those guesses are correct! Except the hilarious one. Did anyone notice the downward spiral in seriousness as this progressed? It actually didn't start as a humor, but as you can see... I can't help it. Review and I'll give you life size Johnny and Squee plushies to snuggle with. THE JOHNNY PLUSHIE NOW HAS SHARP EDGES FOR ADDED REALISM! Mine's on my bed right now. He's got that little depressed look on his face that just makes you want to screech "HUG!" and leap upon him. Of course, it naturally hurts to hug him. That's what the sharp edges are for. But they seem to make him all the more loveable... I mean, who doesn't want to snuggle with a psychopathic killer and a paranoid kid as they go to sleep? Well, at least the few of us Jhonen fans who sleep. The rest of us can just sit on our beds, Johnny by our sides, writing fanfics. I'm sure Johnny being RIGHT NEXT TO YOU WITH HIS ELBOW STABBING YOU IN THE HEAD CAUSE HE'S SO TALL will discourage you from writing sick edgar/nny shit. Of course, the Squee plushie may force you to write a good ol' pedophilic Johnny story. Then again the elbow may still discourage you. Just think of it this way; What would Jhonen do? Actually, no, scratch that. I don't WANT to know what Jhonen would do when shoved between a huge pointy plushie and a tiny round blob of a plushie being forced to write fanfics for his own story.
Boy am I amazing. Kalila teh Mae, 14 year old genius... is OUT.