THE 48TH ANNUAL PUTNAM COUNTY SPELLING BEE

Act 1

Song #1: Overture/The 48th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

PARENTS:

GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE…

BIPPY:

GOODBYE!!!!! (occapella) GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOOD…(Violet pulls him offstage)

PARENTS:

WE LEAVE YOU TO EXPERIENCE THE JOYS OF SPELLING BEES. WE REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE LIKE YOU GUYS AND HAD FEELINGS JUST LIKE THESE…

CHIP:

LIFE IS RANDOM AND UNFAIR!

PARENTS:

WE'LL MISS YOU, WE'LL MISS YOU, WE'LL…

KIDS:

OH, WHAT A SPELLING BEE IT WILL BE, THE PEOPLE CHEERING FOR US TO WIN!

TRIXIE:

IT WILL BE SO PRESSURING…

KIDS:

YET WE'LL STICK IT OUT AND BE HAPPY TO BEGIN…

ALL:

GOODBYE!

TRIXIE:

Boy, this is a big audience…

AT THE 48TH ANNUAL PUTNAM COUNTY SPELLING BEE, MY PARENTS KEEP ON TELLING ME, "I HOPE YOU'RE NOT A LOSER". ALRIGHT, MY FINGERS ARE CROSSED TIGHT, ALTHOUGH I BARELY PLAN TO SEE MYSELF WITH A TROPHY, MY PARENTS ARE THE CHOOSERS!

LOGAINNE:

Welcome to the bee, Miss Beatrice Tolentino!

TRIXIE:

Well, my real name is Bayatreechay…

LOGAINNE:

Okay then, BeatrIce it is!

TRIXIE:

Actually, it's…uh…I like to be called "Trixie…"

LOGAINNE:

Make up your mind already!

BIPPY:

Mom, you're forgetting me!

LOGAINNE:

Oh, yes, hello, Bartholomew Conybear!

BIPPY:

Mom, I told you to call my Bippy!

LOGAINNE:

Oh yes, sorry, Barth!

BIPPY:

Mom, I told you, it's BIPPY! Have you been talking to your B.M. again?

LOGAINNE:

Boppy! How dare you talk about your grandmother that way!

BIPPY:

It's BIPPY!!!!!!!

VIOLET:

Yo, mom, sign me in.

LOGAINNE:

Oh, hello, Vi, sweetie!

VIOLET:

Mom, my name is Violet!

LOGAINNE:

Aww, come on, honey, lighten up!

VIOLET:

I am a social goth who has just entered a spelling bee for FREAKS. And you except me to dominate the worl…I mean…lighten up.

IT'S THE 48TH ANNUAL PUTNAM COUNTY SPELLING BEE! WILL YOU GUYS JUST QUIT BUGGING ME?

LOGAINNE:

Violet Conybear!

VIOLET:

I DOUBT I'LL END UP WINNING.

BIPPY:

OH VI, I REALLY DON'T MEAN TO PRY…

SPELLERS:

BUT THAT'S NOT VERY NICE, VERY NICE, VERY, VERY NICE, SO LET'S START AT THE BEGINNING!

PEPPER:

Hello, Mrs. Conybear. My name is…

LOGAINNE:

Ah, you must be Bruce Bar-FAY!

PEPPER:

Uh, I'm…a GIRL.

LOGAINNE:

Oh…sorry, dear, your name's not on this list.

PEPPER:

(scribbles her name on the list) Pepper…Bar-FAY…Now it is.

MEACHAM:

Oh, hello there! Meacham Tolentino is my name.

LOGAINNE:

Wonderful! Step right in!

MEACHAM:

Miss, I don't mean to complain, but you spelled my name wrong on the list.

LOGAINNE:

No I didn't!

MEACHAM:

Yes you did! It's spelled M-E-A-C-H-A-M! You stupid American!

BIPPY:

THIS IS SUCH A TREASURE, A WONDROUS MEMORY!

BIPPY AND TRIXIE:

I NOW CAN SEE WHY MY PARENTS WILL YELL:

BIPPY, TRIXIE AND MEACHAM:

"DO EXTREMELY WELL!"

ALL:

BUT OH, IT'S SO MUCH FUN TO SPELL. WE SPELL!

LOGAINNE:

IT'S AN HONOR TO REALLY BE COACHING SUCH A SPELLING BEE! I FEEL SO VERY PROUD OF ME! AND THOUGH I KNOW THAT'S BRAGGING, I SEE KIDS' FACES FILLED WITH GLEE! AND I CAN'T WAIT TO IMITATE THE SPELLERS' PANDEMONIUM FATE AND ALL THE LUCK THEY HAPPEN TO BE DRAGGING!

BRUCE:

Yo, I'm Bruce Barf-AY, ya'll know where I can sign in?

VIOLET:

Shut up.

BRUCE:

What is this thing called again?

VIOLET:

IT'S THE 48TH ANNUAL…

PEPPER:

WE'VE MEMORIZED THE MANUAL!

ALL:

MAKE US HAPPY, ALL YOU WORDS! A LOT OF HOPE WE'VE BROUGHT! HOPEFULLY WE WON'T ALL FAIL, 'CAUSE THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT WE THOUGHT.

MEACHAM:

I LOVE THESE WORDS!

BIPPY:

ME TOO!

VIOLET:

I'M SURE…

ALL:

WE'RE BECOMING WHO OUR PARENTS WERE!

BRUCE:

Dude, is that even a good thing?

VIOLET:

STUPID 48TH ANNUAL PUTNAM COUNTY SPELLING BEE!

BIPPY:

IT'S NOT STUPID, VIOLET, YOU'LL SEE!

BIPPY AND BRUCE:

ALTHOUGH NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET…

PEPPER:

I'LL SPELL, AND THEN I'LL GO TO HELL!

MEACHAM:

I'M SURE WE'LL ALL BE GOOD…

VIOLET:

IF WE COULD…

BIPPY:

AND I'M CERTAIN THAT WE SHOULD, AND WE MUST NEVER FORGET…

ALL:

…OUR FUTURE GOALS ARE ALL SET AT THE 48TH ANNUAL PUTNAM COUNTY SPELLING BEE. A TROOP OF ANXIOUS KIDS ARE WE!

LOGAINNE:

NOT BEING HERE IS SINNING.

BRUCE:

I THINK THIS COMPETITION STINKS!

MEACHAM AND TRIXIE:

BUT THAT'S NOT VERY NICE, VERY NICE, VERY, VERY, VERY NICE…

ALL:

VERY NICE, VERY NICE, VERY, VERY NICE, SO LET'S START AT THE BEGINNING!

LOGAINNE:

48TH ANNUAL…

SPELLERS:

48TH ANNUAL…

ALL:

…PUTNAM COUNTY SPELLING BEE!

OLIVE:

Guys, don't you remember when we first got married, right after we had left our OWN spelling bee?

CHIP:

I think I remember too well…

MARCY:

I'm trying not to remember.

CHIP:

Okay, Marcy, let me remind you…

Okay, you can cut the strobe lights now!

NARRATOR:

But I like strobe lights!

CHIP:

DUDE!

NARRATOR:

Okay, okay. Our young Chip spent some time living in his mother's basement because he was too embarrassed to go out in public again and have people taunt him about not winning the 25 annual Putnam County spelling bee for the rest of his life. Finally, his mother got so tired of hearing about his "random and unfair pandemonium-ish" life that she threw him out.

CHIP:

But Mother, you can't just throw me on the streets with my random and unf-

CHIP'S MOM:

Get out of my sight you whiney bastard!!!

NARRATOR:

o Chip went to seek refuge in a local bookstore and slept in a trash bin behind in the alley behind it. He spent many months there, and every day with the little money he had, he went inside and ordered stale cheesecake and a burnt coffee from the Starbucks™ across the street, and read a new section in the bookstore for comfort. Poor Chip. How he longed for friends, a home, love, real food, a life that he would never get. Poor, poor Chip. Poor, poor, poor, poor-

CHIP: Will you give it a rest?!?!

NARRATOR: Sorry. But one fateful day, as he walked into the bookstore, he saw a sign that said: BOOK SIGNING TODAY

"NOT LIVING UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS" BY MARCY PARK

CHIP:

That name sounds familiar...

NARRATOR:

And indeed it was. For there, sitting at an empty table, a mountain of books in front of her, looking happy, was non other than Marcy Park, one of the contestants from the spelling bee! And strangely enough, Chip didn't run away. Instead he noticed how pretty her face was, how lovely her hair looked in ponytails, how beautiful her-

CHIP:

I thought I told you to go away!!

NARRATOR:

Can't. I'm paid hourly.

CHIP:

Listen buddy, I'm getting sick of your sarcasm, and if you don't get your nose out of my love life, I'm going to-

MARCY:

Excuse me sir, are you arguing with the narrator? If so, would you mind keeping it down, because... Chip? Oh my God- is that you?

CHIP:

Yes Marcy, it's me. Listen, I just loved your book.

MARCY:

You read it?

CHIP:

No- but if I did, I'm sure I would love it. Um, do you want do have dinner with me?

MARCY:

I'd love to! I doubt anyone'll come to my book signing. I'm so happy!

CHIP:

Yeah. Me, too.

OLIVE:

Hello, America, and welcome to "Runner-up Razzle Dazzle," the radio station where second is first and blue ribbons are completely ignored! (applause) We'll be right back after these messages! CUT! Okay, where's Mr.…Barfee is it?

WILLIAM:

It's Bar-FAY.

OLIVE:

Whatever! We're on in 5 secon- Hello, again! Today, we're going to take a little detour from interviewing runners up, and interview the winner of the contest many have entered…The Handsomest Man in Putnam County! Give it up for William Barfee!

WILLIAM: (clears throat)

It's…Bar-FAY. Whatever. Hey there, Miss…what was it?

OLIVE:

Ostrovsky.

WILLIAM:

Right, that's it. Wait…Ostrovsky…you couldn't be…Olive, I won the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee!

OLIVE:

CUT! Oh my gosh, I do remember you! William…oh, William, you grew up to be so handsome!

WILLIAM:

Well, you always have been beautiful, Olive…

STAGE MANAGER:

Okay, enough of this nonsense! Let's keep it moving!

WILLIAM:

(in a whisper) Call me.

OLIVE:

Okay. Sorry about that, folks, we just had some…Oh, William! (faints)

WILLIAM:

Olive?

(phone rings)

LOGAINNE:

Hello, White House, Secretary of education speaking. I'm sorry, president Obama isn't here right now. Uh huh... Yes, I'll be sure to tell him that. Thank you. Good-bye!

LEAF:

Uh excuse me miss, I'm looking for my sister, Supreme Court Justice Marigold Conybear? She makes the world a better place... one case at a time!

LOGAINNE:

Name?

LEAF:

Leaf Conybear.

LOGAINNE:

Leaf Conybear... (looks up) Leaf Conybear? The 25 Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee Leaf Conybear?

LEAF:

Yes. How did you know... (looks at plaque on desk) Oh my God- Logainne Swartz- Shrew-Sha- Logainne with the 2 last names! Wow! I didn't recognize you without your lisp.

LOGAINNE:

I'm so over that.

LEAF:

And you wear your hair down now.

LOGAINNE:

Yeah. My head started to hurt from wearing braids all the time.

LEAF:

It's pretty. Hey- didn't you win the 31st annual Putnam County spelling bee?

LOGAINNE:

I won it for my dad, that's the last thing I ever gave them. I have my own life now. I persuaded my biological mother to come here, and now we live on Reno Road.

LEAF:

I love good spellers.

LOGAINNE:

And I love dumb spellers!

LEAF:

Want to go to the recycling center with me?

LOGAINNE:

Let me get my bin!

CHIP:

This is a beautiful house!

MARCY: (beaming)

I built it myself.

CHIP:

WHAT??! You're more talented then I thought!

MARCY:

Here's a copy of my book. Wanna skim through it, see if it looks interesting?

CHIP:

Sure. (skims through) It looks pretty good, just one question...Why is it only written in 3 languages?

MARCY:

I didn't want to Live Up To Expectations. (brushes her hair back)

CHIP:

Oh god...

MARCY:

What? What is it?

CHIP:

Oh, nothing...

MARCY:

Do you have to go to the bathroom?

CHIP:

No, worse...Marcy, I have to go!

MARCY:

Chip, we just sat down! CHIP!

CHIP:

Okay, Marcy, I'll tell you. I'm having another erection.

MARCY:

Oh my gosh...erections don't last...THAT long, do they? And you shouldn't be feeling any pain either!

CHIP:

Oh, trust me...OW...they do. I don't know what's happening- I gotta go! (runs out)

MARCY:

Chip! WAIT!

WILLIAM:

Quick, Olive's fainted! Get some water!

OLIVE:

Wait- what just happened?

WILLIAM:

Uh, thank God! Olive! You fainted on your radio show!

OLIVE:

Well, that's embarrassing! But I'm glad you're here now!

WILLIAM:

I'm glad I'm here, too. Boy, what a thing we had going after the spelling bee.

OLIVE:

Yeah! Then why did we stop writing each other?

WILLIAM:

Well, after you got your own radio show, you stopped returning my letters. I guess you were too famous to talk to me.

OLIVE:

Oh William, if I would have known- I'm sorry.

WILLIAM:

Well I'm here now. Forever.

OLIVE:

Oh William, I love you!

WILLIAM:

I love you, too!

DIRECTOR:

Uh folks, this is all being recorded live!

WILLIAM: (takes Olive's hand)

Then let it be known throughout Putnam County that I plan to marry Miss Ostrovsky. You are all witnesses for this proposal! That is, if she agrees, of course.

OLIVE:

Oh William, I do!

(in the hospital)

MARCY:

Chip! Oh Chip! I hope you're not here for too long!

CHIP:

OW! Listen, Marcy... OOO! If anything- YOW! Serious- happens to-AHH!- me, I just want you to know... AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! I...(gasp) love... you.

MARCY:

Chip! I love you too! Don't go out on me! Please...

NURSE:

Sorry, miss. You'll have to leave the room.

CHIP:

Here... take-(gasp)this-ring.

MARCY:

Oh my God! Chip.. a diamond ring!

CHIP:

An engagement ring! Marcy Park, will you marry me?

NURSE:

Miss, now!

MARCY:

Yes Chip! I will marry you, no matter how many erections you get!

DOCTOR:

Um, excuse me, sir, I have just found out that you have had a minor erection. You are suffering a bad case of the nerves. You see, these nerves caused the erection, which made you feel pain and discomfort and…

MARCY:

Butterflies!

CHIP:

Marcy, not helping!

DOCTOR:

Just…wanted to inform you…

CHIP:

I knew that!

MARCY:

Chip, I'll marry you, no matter how stupid you are!

CHIP:

Oh Marcy, I lo…HEY!

NARRATOR:

and what a wedding it was...

(wedding march. Chip is at the alter in his ironed boy scout vest, no money for a tux. Marcy is at the alter. Her father won't let go of her arm.)

MARCY:

Daddy, let go!

MARCY'S DAD:

Sweetie, I think you should reconsider.

MARCY:

It's a little late for that!

MARCY'S DAD:

I'm just trying to protect you.

MARCY:

From Chip?!

MARCY'S DAD:

Well, the boy didn't exactly lead a good life after the spelling bee..

MARCY:

Daddy, he loves me!

MARCY'S DAD:

Or so you think. There are all kinds of loonies in Putnam County. There's always the option he did it for sex...

MARCY:

Daddy, I'm warning you!

MARCY'S DAD:

...He could just want money...

MARCY:

Daddy, if you don't let go right now !

MARCY'S DAD:

...And the boy keeps getting erections! the last thing I want you to have to deal with is a condom...

MARCY:

DADDY!

MARCY'S DAD:

And what would the children be like?! Would they wind up living in your basement, too-

MARCY:

KI YA! (Marcy flips her dad and walks onto the alter.)

CHIP:

What was that all about?

MARCY:

Don't ask.

MINISTER:

Do you, Isaac Tolentino, take this Marcy Park to be your lawfully wedded wife in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

CHIP:

I do. It looked like a pretty bad fall.

MARCY:

He'll get over it.

MINISTER:

Do you, Marcy Park, take this Isaac Tolentino to be your lawfully wedded husband in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

MARCY:

I do.

MINISTER:

I pronounce you husband and wife. (Chip and Marcy kiss.)

NARRATOR:

I am not going to tell you about the shouting match that followed the reception involving Marcy and her parents and Chip getting slapped by each one of them.

But as they rode home in the limo, Chip and Marcy were happy. And there happiness lasted all through the night and over the next couple months. And in the years to come they would get the most surprising jolt of happiness in there life- parenthood...

(at the recycling center)

LEAF:

You know, Logainne, you remind me a lot of my cat.

LOGAINNE:

Is that...a good thing?

LEAF:

It could be. Just, the silky, long hair, The beautiful eyes, the...

LOGAINNE:

Umm...okay...anyway, um...What do you do for a living?

LEAF:

I work at McDonalds.

LOGAINNE:

Oh my gosh, I LOVE that food!

LEAF:

Really? That's a first! Well, I'm sure it's more fun to be in the Supreme Court.

LOGAINNE:

Oh, trust me, it's not.

LEAF:

Well, I couldn't help noticing how you always wear that rose pinned to your shirt.

LOGAINNE:

Oh, this? Yes, it's just in case I would come across someone who I love, and I could give it to them. (faraway look in eyes)

LEAF:

Well, maybe...(plants a kiss on Logainne's cheek and runs away. Logainne follows him.)

OGAINNE:

Leaf, wait up!

LEAF:

Ohhh, this is SO embarrassing!

LOGAINNE:

No, don't feel bad! I liked how that kiss felt! Do it again!

LEAF:

Okay! (kisses Logainne again)

CARL: (happens to be walking by the recycling center. Sees Leaf and Logainne.)

Whoa, Logainne!!!!!! What's up with this? Just letting random boys kiss you like that?

LOGAINNE:

No, this isn't a random boy...this is my friend!

LEAF:

Hi, I'm Leaf Conybear, pleasure to meet you, Mr. Shortygurbleishkins!

CARL:

Man, do you ever brush your teeth?

LOGAINNE:

Dad!

LEAF:

I only brush on special occasions.

LOGAINNE:

Well, way to ruin the moment, Leaf! I was just about to ask you to marry me!

CARL:

WHAT??!?!??!???!!!!!! Logainne, this kid's a lunatic!

LEAF:

I make my own clothes!

CARL:

AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!! (pushes Leaf aside. Fight scene between Logainne and Carl; Carl ends up running away in tears.)

LEAF:

Well, I can see where you get your good looks!

LOGAINNE:

Oh, Leaf, I can't bear it any longer! Will you marry me?????

LEAF:

Leaf is speechless for a couple seconds, then speaks.

NARRATOR:

You idiot, you weren't supposed to say that, those are the stage directions!

LEAF:

Of course I'll marry you! The two of them walk hand in hand offstage.

NARRATOR:

Does anyone EVER listen to me?

LOGAINNE:

Nope.

(wedding scene)

OLIVE:

Please, ma'am...could you not sit in that seat? (sang) I saved a chair for my dad in the fourth row on the aisle, and it may take him a while, but when he gets here, that's his chair.

OLIVE'S DAD:

Excuse me, I'm supposed to sit in the fourth row on the aisle? Pardon me. Can you move your feet PLEASE?

OLIVE:

Dad, you came!

OLIVE'S DAD:

I might miss a spelling bee, but I can't possibly miss my own daughter's wedding. So, where's the lucky groom?

WILLIAM:

Hey, dude, do you know where I could find a bathroom?

OLIVE:

That would be him.

OLIVE'S DAD:

Good looking guy.

WILLIAM:

Okay, Olive, enough chatting, we gotta go up now.

OLIVE:

Okay. (Olive and her dad kiss. William and Olive stand up on stage.)

MINISTER:

We are gathered here today to perform the marvelous wedding of Olive Ostrovsky and William Barfee.

WILLIAM:

It's...Bar-FAY.

MINISTER:

If anyone in the audience thinks this wedding should not take place, please speak now. (silence) Alright, let the wedding begin.

OLIVE: (whispering to her dad)

Is mom coming?

OLIVE'S DAD: (whispering back)

Don't think so.

MINISTER:

Do you, Olive Ostrovsky, take this gentleman to be your lawfully wedded husband?

OLIVE:

I do. (whispering) You didn't invite her?

WILLIAM:

(whispering) Enough of this nonsense, there's a wedding taking place!

MINISTER:

And do you, William Barfee...excuse me...Bar-FAY...take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

WILLIAM:

I do.

MINISTER:

Congratulations Miss Ostrovsky and Mr. Bar-FAY, you are now officially husband and wife! (thunderous applause).

WILLIAM: (burps)

(in the hospital)

CHIP:

Come on Marcy, Push!

MARCY:

I'm pushing, damnit!

CHIP:

Come on honey, you're almost there...

DOCTOR:

Um, Miss Park? We've just checked the x-rays, and there are actually two children on the way.

MARCY:

TWO?!?!!? Jesus Christ!

(Everyone on stage freezes except for Marcy. There is a puff of smoke...)

JESUS:

Did you call?

MARCY:

You again?!

JESUS:

Yes, it's me.

MARCY:

Um, Jesus? I need to ask you a question. Would you be mad if I gave up on the second child?

JESUS:

Well, God gave you two children because he thought they could accomplish great things.

MARCY:

Really... go on.

JESUS:

You know it's really about being a good person...

MARCY:

Yeah, yeah right. But what else?

JESUS:

Well with Isaac as the father and you as the mother, we thought at least one of your children would have a good chance at winning the 48th annual Putnam County spelling bee.

MARCY:

Wow, a real spelling bee champion!

JESUS:

But it's really up to you.

MARCY:

Are you kidding? I want a champion! Thanks, Jesus.

JESUS:

Any time. (Jesus disappears, everything unfreezes.)

CHIP:

Come on Marcy!

DOCTOR:

Yes, yes!

MARCY:

AAH!

DOCTOR:

One more, Miss Park!

CHIP:

Just one more push!

MARCY:

AH!

DOCTOR:

Yes! Congratulations, Miss Park! And to you, Mr. Tolentino. You're parents!

CHIP:

Wow, twins! A little boy and girl! (he sniffs)

MARCY:

Come on, little babies. Make me proud!

(5 minutes before the wedding)

CARL:

No, I get to walk her down the isle!

DAN:

No way, it should be me. Logainne likes me more!

LOGAINNE:

Dads! I thought we discussed this! You both get to do it.

CARL&DAN:

FINE! Logainne, you love me more, right?!

LOGAINNE:

Don't be stupid, Dads! I love you both the same! Come on, it's starting!

(Logainne grabs her dads and runs onto the isle. The same 5 minutes before...)

LEAF'S MOM:

Oh Leaf, I never thought it could happen for you!

LEAF'S DAD:

And to think it would be to that nice Logainne girl! I must say I'm very surprised!

LEAF:

Thanks for being so supportive.

LEAF'S MOM:

I'm sorry the rest of the family is going to miss this.

LEAF:

Trust me, I'll get over it. (looks out of the dressing room) Oh my gosh, it's starting! I have to go! (runs to alter)

MINISTER:

Do you, Leaf Conybear, take this Logainne Schwartzandgrubinnerre to be your lawfully wedded wife in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

LEAF:

I do-

CARL:

Uh it's Schwartz AND Grubenierre-

DAN:

Duh! I'm the Schwartz-

CARL:

And I'm the Grubenierre-

BOTH:

God!

MINISTER:

So sorry. And do you, Miss Schwartz AND Grubenierre, take this Leaf Conybear to be your lawfully wedded husband in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

LOGAINNE:

I do.

MINISTER:

I pronounce you husband and wife! (Leaf and Logainne kiss.)

(at the reception)

LOGAINNE'S B.M.:

Oh sweetheart! I'm so happy for you and- um...

LOGAINNE:

Leaf.

LOGAINNE'S B.M:

Right. Now you be sure to take care of my little girl uh, what was it again?

LOGAINNE:

Leaf, Mother. Leaf.

LOGAINNE'S B.M.:

Leaf... yes, right! Leaf, Treebear?

LOGAINNE:

Conybear!

B.M.:

Yes, that's right. Well, I'll see you later, Leaf and, and...

LOGAINNE:

Logainne!

B.M.:

Right! Well, Goodbye! (she exits)

LEAF:

Well, I'm sorry your dads left.

LOGAINNE:

We're better off without them. Hey, I got us a hotel room on Massachusetts Ave. Let's go start a family!

NARRATOR:

And that's just what they did.

OLIVE:

TWINS?!?!! I thought that was a joke-AHH!

DOCTOR:

I'm sorry, Miss Ostrovsky.

WILLIAM:

Wow, that's a lot of blood...

OLIVE:

AHH!

WILLIAM:

I think I'm gonna be sick!

DOCTOR:

But Mr. Barfee-

WILLIAM:

It's Bar-FAY!

DOCTOR:

Whatever! Birth is a beautiful thing!

WILLIAM:

Oh no doubt, but- (he pukes) I'm squeamish!

OLIVE:

OWWWWWWW!!!!

DOCTOR:

Then you should leave!

WILLIAM:

No, (pukes) I'll stay for Olive!

OLIVE:

AAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

DOCTOR:

Yes! Congrats, you two! You're parents! A boy and girl!

OLIVE:

Can you believe it William? Look how beautiful they are!

WILLIAM:(beaming)

Yeah, they are! (pukes)

LEAF:

Logainne, for the 20 billionth time, why are you so FAT???

LOGAINNE:

I told you, Leaf, I'm PREGNANT! Now this isn't the best time to mention pregnancy, I'm kinda in the middle of having a baby!

LEAF:

Ooo, ooo, I love babies!

LOGAINNE:

Oy vey, I can't imagine what kind of dad YOU'RE gonna be! Now you're supposed to be telling me to push!

LEAF:

Why?

LOGAINNE:

I'd rather not go into an explanation. Now just say it!

LEAF:

If you say so...PUSH!

LOGAINNE:

I'm trying!

LEAF:

PUSH, PUSH, PUSH, PUSH!!!! Boy, this is fun!

NURSE:

Do you think you can yell push a little quieter? You don't want to push TOO hard.

LOGAINNE:

Ummmmmmm...too late, I think I already did.

LEAF:

What's that supposed to mean?

NURSE:

Oh dear...I see what she means...you guys are unfortunately giving birth to...TWO babies. God, I've been saying that a LOT lately...

LEAF and LOGAINNE:

TWO??!?!?!?!?!??

LOGAINNE:

This is horrible!

LEAF:

This is great! We're parents!

LOGAINNE:

You idiot, we're parents of TWO!

NURSE:

Well, you guys have fun with that...

LOGAINNE:

Okay, now that we've all introduced ourselves, let's get this party started! Woot! As you all know, our comfort counselor, Mitch Mahoney, is with us right now as his last year working for the Putnam County Spelling Bees before he retires. Let's all take a moment of silence for Mitch. (silence) Okay, moments over. Now, we will go through the Spelling Rules. (talking extremely fast) A speller may ask questions about a word's pronunciation or definition its use in a sentence and language of origin if you start to spell a word you may start over but the sequence of letters already spoken may not be changed if you misspell a word we will ring the bell and the comfort counselor Mitch Mahoney will escort you offstage. Is that understood spellers?

SPELLERS:

Sure, Why not? ect.

LOGAINNE:

Now we will begin.

VIOLET:

Oh my gawsh, how long does this take?

TRIXIE:

Normally pretty long...

VIOLET:

Was I talking to you?

LOGAINNE:

Our first contestant...Miss Beatrice Tolentino.

TRIXIE:

Can...can you call me Trixie?

LOGAINNE:

No problemo. Let's see...your word is...Systole.

TRIXIE:

May I have a definition?

LOGAINNE:

Systole...the normal rhythm contraction of the heart during which the blood in the chambers is forced onward.

Song #2: Oh! The Pressure!

TRIXIE:

Oh my, I had forgotten how nervous spelling bees can be...

THERE MY PARENTS SIT, IN THE AUDIENCE. I KNOW HOW UTTERLY PROUD OF ME THEY CAN BE. BUT THEN AGAIN, THEY CAN'T SEE ALL THE EYES STARING AT ME HOPING I WILL SPELL THE WORD CORRECTLY! OH! THE PRESSURE! WILL I GET IT RIGHT? WILL I GET IT WRONG? WILL I WIN? SO MUCH PRESSURE THIS SCARY SPELLING BEE IS PUTTING ME IN! I AM A BIT TOO KEEN, I AM HEARD, NEVER SEEN, AND THEN HERE I'VE GOT THE WHOLE WORLD LOOKING ONLY FOR ME TO SCORE. HOW CAN I DO THIS? WHO PUT ME TO THIS AWFUL PRESSURE? IS MY DRESS TOO TIGHT? IS TOO MUCH MAKEUP ON? HOW FAST CAN MY HEART BEAT? WHO TURNED UP THE HEAT? LAWFUL MEASURE OF CRAZED FANS MAKING PLANS: WHO WILL COME IN FIRST? WHO WILL DO THE WORST? I'M ABOUT TO BURST! OH! THE PRESSURE! FAR TOO MUCH PRESSURE!

LOGAINNE:

Miss Tolentino, Systole?

TRIXIE:

Right, Systole. S-Y-S-T-O-L...-E? Systole?

LOGAINNE:

That is correct.

MEACHAM:

Way to go, Trix!

TRIXIE:

I'M ANOTHER INCH CLOSER TO WINNING THIS…NO MORE PRESSURE! GOLDEN TROPHY, HERE I COME!

LOGAINNE:

Next, AH, my own son, Bartholomew Conybear!

BIPPY:

Please, mom, call me Bippy!

LOGAINNE:

Um...okay...anyways, your word is Heptamerous.

BIPPY:

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Heptamerous!!! Right, that must mean consisting of or divided into seven parts, right?

LOGAINNE:

True. Speak into the microphone, Bippy, I can't hear you at ALL!

BIPPY:

Uh, can somebody tilt it down? (Logainne tilts it down. Bippy still can't reach.) Aww, ya know what? (knocks the microphone stand down altogether.) There, much better. Alright, here I go. (looks up.)

LOGAINNE:

Oh, yes, of course, this is a rather unique method he has, he looks up to the ceiling and imagines it written on it.

BRUCE:

Dude, someone wrote gullible on the ceiling!

BIPPY:

Really? All I see is H-E-P-T-A-M-E-R-O-U-S, Heptamerous.

LOGAINNE:

That is...correct.

BIPPY:

YAY!

BRUCE:

High-five! (Bippy reaches out to slap Bruce's hand, but Bruce whips it away.) HAHAHA!!!! SUCKER!!!!!!!!

Song #3: Loser's Son

BIPPY:

Why do they always do that?

I'M LIKE MY DAD. I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I'M LIKE MY DAD! OH, WHY WAS IT HIM? I ONLY HAD ONE LITTLE WIM…I JUST WANNA BE ME! NOT WHAT MY DAD WANTS ME TO BE. JUST GET RID OF ALL MY STRIFE, 'CAUSE I WANNA HAVE MY OWN LIFE!

He's a barrel of monkeys, a jar of laughs…

BUT HE'S A LOSER!

He's lots of fun, he's a loving dad…

BUT HE'S A LOSER! I'M SICK OF BEING ME, THE LOSER'S SON! I'M LIKE MY MOM. OH JESUS, WHY AM I LIKE MY MOM? WHY WAS IT HER?

It just had to be her, didn't it?

I JUST WANNA BE ME! NOT WHAT MY MOM WANTS ME TO BE. JUST GET RID OF ALL MY STRIFE, 'CAUSE I WANNA HAVE MY OWN LIFE!

She's smart, funny, beautiful…

BUT SHE'S A LOSER!

She's got an awesome job, a great house…

BUT SHE'S A LOSER! I'M SICK OF BEING ME, THE LOSER'S SON!

VIOLET: (sarcastically)

Oh come on, Bip! You gotta stick up for mom and dad!

BIPPY:

Ya know, Vi, you're right!

LOGAINNE:

Miss Violet Conybear, my daughter!

VIOLET:

Gotta go, see ya, Bip!

LOGAINNE:

OK, your word is "poseur."

VIOLET:

Can I have the definition?

LOGAINNE:

Poseur. A person whom assumes attitudes or manners merely for their effect on others.

VIOLET:

Poseur. (closes eyes and punches fist on each letter) P - O - S - E - U - R. Posuer?

LOGAINNE:

Yes, that is correct!

VIOLET:

I'm like my dad…

LOGAINNE:

Well, my kids are very bright, I can't believe how lucky I got...

BRUCE:

Meacham! My man! Sup?

MEACHAM:

Oh, not that much, you know, just the usual...

BRUCE:

Look, my homie, I'm gonna go flirt with the first girl I see, could you quit following me for just an eensy second?

MEACHAM:

Oh, come on! I would like to see what this "flirting" of yours is like, you see, you're really my only friend.

BRUCE: (sarcastically)

Oh, that's soooooooo hard to believe!

MEACHAM:

I know, it is, isn't it?

LOGAINNE:

Next up, Pepper Barfee.

PEPPER:

Yo. That's me.

LOGAINNE:

Okay, Pepper, your word is...reminiscent.

MEACHAM:

Oh boy! That's a girl! Why don't you go flirt with her!

BRUCE:

Dude, that girl might as well be a boy! You must not know what flirting is at all? I mean, don't you worry about her?

MEACHAM:

Of course not! Why would I?

BRUCE:

Well, ya know, I heard her talking in her sleep. She was saying something like…"NO! UNICORNS! BAD! BAD! MY THESAURUS!"

MEACHAM:

Scratch what I just said.

PEPPER:

Uhh, can I have a definition?

LOGAINNE:

Sure...awakening memory of something previously known.

PEPPER:

Oh. Okay. Let's see...R-E-M...oh my god...the pressure!

TRIXIE:

Tell me about it!

WILLIAM: (coming up from audience)

WAIT! Hold everything! I gotta have a little pep talk with Pepper here.

LOGAINNE:

I don't believe stopping the bee in the middle if not suggested by myself is a rule here.

WILLIAM:

Who cares about rules?

LOGAINNE:

Once I saved your life because I paid attention to rules, you know!!! It's because of me you won the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee!!!!!!

BIPPY:

Dear God, what has she been drinking?

BRUCE:

FINE! Fine. If you really want to flirt with that Pepper girl we'll do that. But PLEASE, let me do all the talking.

MEACHAM:

You're on, ol' pal!

BRUCE:

Never say that again.

WILLIAM:

Listen, Pepper, I can win this spelling bee for you. Stare long and hard at your hand, and see if you notice anything.

PEPPER:

Uhh...I don't see anything...

WILLIAM:

Okay, wrong hand. Stare at the other one, and look for anything weird.

PEPPER:

Oh my gosh, I AM feeling something! A weird tingling sensation! It's almost like...MAGIC!

WILLIAM:

That's exactly what you should be feeling! You see, when I was your age, and I was in a spelling bee, I won it, because my foot was just as magical as your hand is. I have passed this mysterious gene down to you, now make the best of it! Spell the word on the floor with your hand!

LOGAINNE:

Okay, Mr. Barfee, I believe you can leave now!

PEPPER:

Thanks, dad! (William jumps off the stage. Pepper begins spelling out the word on the floor.)

LOGAINNE:

What's this that Mrs. Barfee is doing? It looks like she's...mopping the floor with her hand!!

PEPPER:

Reminiscent. R-E-M-I-N-I-S-C-E-N-T. Reminiscent.

LOGAINNE:

That is correct.

PEPPER:

It worked! It worked!

TRIXIE:

Good job!

PEPPER:

Thanks, it was nothing, really...

BRUCE:

Hey, Peps! This Meacham kid just wanted to let you know that you have eyes like the moon.

MEACHAM:

Ooo! Ooo! Guess what??? Did you know that you might as well be a

boy???

PEPPER:

Ummm...

BRUCE:

I said let me do all the talking!

MEACHAM:

Kay, sorry.

BRUCE:

And you got great eyes.

MEACHAM:

Yeah! I can see all the red veins in them!

PEPPER:

Uh-

BRUCE:

Dude!

MEACHAM:

Sorry!

LOGAINNE:

Mr. Meacham Tolentino.

MEACHAM:

Um, bye! (Bruce slaps his forehead)

LOGAINNE:

Mr. Tolentino, your word is "apprehensive."

MEACHAM:

Can I have the definition?

LOGAINNE:

Nervous or anxious feeling about the future.

Song #4: Always Trying to Please

MEACHAM:

Ah, yes. I know that feeling.

I KNOW THAT FEELING. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? WILL I LIVE TO SEE THE LIGHT AGAIN? WILL I BE ALIVE TOMORROW? HOW CAN I EVER RELAX? I KNOW THE HUMAN RACE HAS MADE A MESS, AND I HAVE HELPED THEM, I CONFESS. BUT NOW THEY'VE GONE TOO FAR, NOW THEY'VE GONE TOO FAR! WE'RE ALL WRAPPED UP IN OUR OWN LIFES, SO WE HAVE NO TIME FOR OTHERS. BUT NOW AND AGAIN WE SHOULD TAKE TIME TO LOOK AT THE WORLD AS IT ONCE WAS. I'M ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE PEACE. I'M ALWAYS TRYING TO PLEASE MY MOM, MY DAD AND TRIXIE…WOW! WHAT WAS THAT FEELING? THAT FEELING OF FAILURE? I'M SLOWLY DIETING. MY FATHER ONCE SAID THAT LIFE WAS RANDOM AND UNFAIR…I THINK HE'S RIGHT. I'M ALWAYS WAITING, ALWAYS WAITING TO PLEASE. DO WHAT ANYONE SAYS BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE…

LOGAINNE:

Mr. Tolentino?

MEACHAM:

I'm apprehensive, A-P-P-R-E-H-E-N-S-I-V-E.

LOGAINNE:

That is correct.

MEACHAM:

OH, DEAR PEPPER, WHEN I AM WITH YOU I DON'T HAVE TO PLEASE. I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BEING CHINESE. FINALLY A NON-RACIST…

So who could resist?

PEPPER:

Gee, thanks.

MEACHAM:

Not I. You have the biggest most beautiful head I've ever seen!

PEPPER:

Um, great. (Meacham walks away.) Hey Bruce! Didn't you tell him I'm your sister?

BRUCE:

Hey, the guy needed to lighten up, so I helped him.

PEPPER:

WELL...! Thanks. He's awesome. I guess your not as bad a brother as I thought!

MEACHAM:

Listen, Trixie, I need advice.

TRIXIE:

What about?

MEACHAM:

Well, it's kind of about dating...

VIOLET:

HAH! How could a freak like you possibly be thinking about dating!!!?!?!?

TRIXIE:

Hey, that "freak" happens to be my brother, and I think you really hurt him!

VIOLET:

(sarcastically) Oh, did I? I'm sorry! I'll make it up to you by hurting YOU! (Violet slaps Trixie who collapses.)

BRUCE:

Yeah, Pepper, I am a really awesome guy. But to tell you the truth, it didn't seem like you were diggin' that Meacham guy.

PEPPER:

Oh, I was diggin' him alright, you'd be surprised...

BIPPY:

OH MY GOSH! MY SISTER JUST SLAPPED SOMEONE!

TRIXIE:

Oh, this is NOT over!

VIOLET:

You're right, it's not...

LOGAINNE:

Bruce Barfee!

BRUCE:

Sup, ma homie? Be right back, Pepper. This thing with you and Meacham could be getting somewhere!

LOGAINNE:

Sup ma homie? What's that supposed to mean?

BRUCE:

My g, gimme some dat!

LOGAINNE:

I have no clue what you're saying, please speak with a little more intelligence.

BRUCE:

Just gimme the goddamn word.

LOGAINNE:

Your word is "Galimatias."

BRUCE:

Can I have a definition, yo?

LOGAINNE:

Confused or unintelligent talk; gibberish.

BRUCE:

Uhh...can I...have it in a sentence?

LOGAINNE:

"Sup ma homie."

BRUCE:

Shut the hell up.

LOGAINNE:

Excuse me?

BRUCE:

Okay, the frickin word is spelled...uh...wait, I know this...MAN, I hate spelling bees! I

only did this for the girls! G-A-L-I...

MEACHAM:

STOP! Someone just slapped my sister!

LOGAINNE:

Hold that thought! What's going on over here?

BRUCE:

Psst! Pepper! C'mere!

PEPPER:

Huh?

BRUCE:

Ya know how I got you a guy? Yeah, well can you do me this favor? How do you spell "Galimatias"?

PEPPER:

Fine...wait, gotta spell it out first...(starts moving her hand on the floor.)

MEACHAM:

That redhead girl hit Trixie!

VIOLET:

It was for her own good! I knew she deserved a nice slap from the moment she walked in here!

LOGAINNE:

Beatrice, sweetie, are you okay?

TRIXIE:

Yeah...I'm fine...but VIOLET SHOULD BE DISQUALIFIED!

LOGAINNE:

Don't worry, honey, if it happens again she will be.

VIOLET:

Sure, disqualify me, see what I care!

PEPPER:

G-A-L-I-M-A-T-I-A-S.

BRUCE:

Thanks!

BIPPY:

HEY EVERYBODY, LOOK! PEPPER'S MOPPING THE FLOOR AGAIN!

LOGAINNE:

Alright, enough of this nonsense! Mr. Barfee, Galimatias.

BRUCE:

G-A-L-I-M-A-T-I-A-S. Galimatias.

LOGAINNE:

That is correct.

PEPPER:

You owe me...BIG time.

BRUCE:

Don't sweat it, mama. I pay you back with a little sum-sum. (gestures toward Meacham)

PEPPER:

Thanks, um... Home bro!

BIPPY:

Vi, you can't just go around hitting people, they could really get hurt!

VIOLET:

That Trixie kid deserved it, "Hey you really hurt my brother!" and all that crap. I mean, what a kiss-ass wuss!

BIPPY:

Vi, this is serious! you could get D.Q.-ified!

LEAF:

Ooo! Ooo! Does this mean we get to go out for ice cream after the bee? (long pause) Sorry…

BIPPY:

…and it wouldn't hurt if you would stick up for me sometimes!

VIOLET:

You mean like, "The only one who can hurt my brother is ME!" ( Violet punches Bippy, he goes down)

MEACHAM:

Are you sure your okay? That Violet kid's brutal!

TRIXIE:

I'll be all right. Now what did you need my advice on?

MEACHAM:

That Pepper girl. She's great, but I'm not.

TRIXIE:

Sure you are! Just smile, be yourself, and don't say anything stupid!

MEACHAM:

Don't say anything stupid? Then Trix, how can I be myself?

LOGAINNE:

Ms. Tolentino.

TRIXIE:

Gotta go!

LOGAINNE:

Your word is "coward."

TRIXIE:

Uhh, coward…(in a trance) T…R…I…X…I…E…(out of trance) Coward?

LOGAINNE:

That is correct. Ms. Conybear, Rubiginous.

VIOLET:

Uh…R-U-B-I-G-I-N-O-U-S, Rubiginous?

LOGAINNE:

Correct, Mr. Conybear, Guatemala.

Song #5: I Can't Spell

BRUCE:

WHAT DO I DO? I KNOW I SUCK! IF I GET AS FAR AS 5TH PLACE IT'LL BE OUT OF LUCK! FOR ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME WELL…

BIPPY:

G-U-A-T-E-M-A…

BRUCE:

KNOWS FOR A FACT I CAN'T SPELL.

BIPPY:

L-A, Guatemala.

LOGAINNE:

That's correct. Ms. Bar-FAY, thesaurus.

BRUCE:

I CAN'T SPELL, I CAN'T SPELL, I JUST WANNA LEAVE THIS PLACE!

PEPPER:

No! Not thesaurus!

BRUCE:

AND I KNOW ALL TOO WELL THIS IS NO IMPORTANT RACE.

LOGAINNE:

Ms. Bar-FAY, please spell the word.

PEPPER:

EVERY NIGHT I HAVE THESE NIGHTMARES. MY THESAURUS IS DEEPLY LOVED BY ME.

BRUCE:

GET ME OUT OF HERE! I DON'T WANNA DO THIS, THIS CAN'T BE!

PEPPER:

I ENVISION THESE UNICORNS, THEIR FACES EVIL, THEIR SCARY HORNS. THEY COME CHARGING…

BRUCE:

I WILL QUIT. WAIT, I CAN'T QUIT! NO, NOT YET. NOT TILL TENSION STARTS ENLARGING.

PEPPER:

THEN THEY STEAL IT. THEY STEAL MY TREASURE.

BRUCE:

THERE'S STILL NOT THAT MUCH PRESSURE, BUT…

BRUCE AND PEPPER:

CAN YOU FEEL OUR PAIN?

LOGAINNE:

Please, just spell the word.

PEPPER:

T-H-E-S-A-U-R-U-S, Thesaurus?

LOGAINNE:

That is correct. Mr. Tolentino!

BRUCE:

I CAN'T SPELL! NO, NOT WELL. WELL…

LOGAINNE:

Your word is "lumisterol."

MEACHAM:

L-U-M-I…

BRUCE:

WITH THAT SEXY GIRL, VIOLET, STANDING BY MY SIDE, I FEEL JOY, I FEEL PRIDE!

MEACHAM:

S-T-E-R…

BRUCE:

AND SUDDENLY IT COMES TO ME…I CAN SPELL!

MEACHAM:

O-L, Lumisterol.

LOGAINNE:

Correct.

BRUCE:

YOU HEARD ME! I CAN…

LOGAINNE:

Mr. Bar-FAY!

BRUCE:

SPELL!

LOGAINNE:

Your word is "monkey".

BRUCE:

Yo, please. Even my MOM could spell that word.

LOGAINNE:

Well, I wouldn't be surprised-

BRUCE:

K forget what I said! Mom, why did you have to be such a good speller?

LOGAINNE:

Mr. Bar-FAY?

BRUCE:

Yo what? Oh um I, uuuuhhhh...

LOGAINNE:

Mr. Bar-FAY, MONKEY!

BRUCE:

CAN I GET A FRICKIN DEFINITION??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOGAINNE:

Your father's face when he realized he had just won the 25 Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.

BRUCE:

Yo, your just goddamn jealous!

LOGAINNE:

Oh trust me, you shoulda seen him-

BRUCE:

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!

VIOLET:

Oh God, this is terrible! He can't spell monkey! (to the audience) I can't believe I'm saying that! My dad once read me this book called "The Little Engine That Occasionally Couldn't." I loved that book. It really…inspired me. If only...AHA!

BRUCE:

At least I have a REAL father!

LOGAINNE:

My dads actually CARE about me!

BRUCE:

HA! You wouldn't know care if it bit you in the-

VIOLET:

Hey mister narrator! I needa borrow your strobe lights! (slips him 20 bucks)

NARRATOR:

(taking the money) Go ahead, kid!

VIOLET:

GREAT! (she paints "monkey" on the strobe lights) Now if I could only get his attention... OF COURSE! My telapathical powers!

BRUCE:

Your such a- (looks at strobe lights) M-O-N-K-E-Y Monkey!

LOGAINNE:

YOU ARE SO- correct!

VIOLET:

Well, duh!

LOGAINNE:

Ms. Tolentino! Your word is " mortified."

TRIXIE:

Mortified. M-O-R...(we move into the audience and see the parents)

CHIP:

She won't get it right! Oh why did we ever enter them in this spelling bee?!

Life is rand-

MARCY:

CHIP! Take it easy. I know one of them will win!

CHIP:

How?

MARCY: (looks up)

I just have a feeling.

OLIVE:

Wow, you gave Pepper a great pep talk!

WILLIAM:

(talking fast) Well, all of the world is peppered with pep talks and it all depend on which pep talk will work on our peppery little Pepper!

OLIVE:

And now she's helping Bruce, right?

WILLIAM:

(flustered) Well I- uh- that's to say- um- gee, I guess!

LEAF:

Hi, sweetie! I brought you some water.

LOGAINNE:

Thanks hun. Say, do you think it's okay to have Violet in this competition? You know how she gets.

LEAF:

No! I think she's doing fine! (They look over, Violets having a shouting match with Bippy. They end up in a wrestling match on the floor.)

LOGAINNE:

Oh, God! GUYS! Violet, sweetie, we need to talk.

TRIXIE:

…T-I-F-I-E-D. Mortified.

LOGAINNE:

That is correct.

BIPPY:

Oh, god, I'm next! But as long as I've got my lucky ceiling, everything will be just fine.

MEACHAM:

Uh, hi Pepper...

PEPPER:

Hi...

MEACHAM:

I was just wondering, um, well, why were you named Pepper?

TRIXIE'S VOICE:

Don't say anything stupid, Meacham...

PEPPER:

Well, when I a baby, my dad was all," come on, eat this pepper! my baby has a strong digestive system!" and then my mom was all," you idiot! you don't feed a baby a whole pepper to a baby! you feed milk to a baby, not a pepper! don't feed her peppers! What's wrong with you!" and then I was all,"Pe-pper!" and they were all, "AAAAWWWWWWWWWW! thats SO CUTEEEEEE! and thats how I got my name. but you can call me,(TOSS,TOSS!!) bell

MEACHAM:

no wonder your so hot!

PEPPER:

You moron! those are MEXICAN peppers!

MEACHAM:

then wear do bell peppers come from?

PEPPER:

BEL-gim, DUH!

MEACHAM:

Gadzuntite!

PEPPER:

Thanks. WHAT A SECOND!...hey, do you do sports?

MEACHAM:

Not really. I think sports are a huge waste of time.

PEPPER:

You know, so do I! I can't believe people actually like sports!

TRIXIE'S VOICE:

This is getting somewhere.

MEACHAM:

Oh, hurrah!

PEPPER:

What?

MEACHAM:

Never mind.

LOGAINNE:

Violet, I would like you to have a talk with Bippy, you guys need to make up, I feel like there's some tension between the two of you.

VIOLET:

Uggghhhh, we ALWAYS do this!!!!!

LOGAINNE:

Okay, there's been a slight change in the schedule, Violet and Bippy Conybear are having a quick...discussion. The next speller will be...Pepper Barfee.

(spotlight on Bruce and Violet whispering)

BRUCE:

Aha! I know exactly how I can pay Pepper back!

VIOLET:

Look, pal, I just hit you, and I'm not afraid to do it again!

BIPPY:

Don't you "look pal" me, I'm your brother!

BRUCE:

Pepper, could you do me a favor and turn around?

PEPPER:

I bet you a million bucks you're gonna tape a "Kick Me" sign to my back.

BRUCE:

I promise I'm not. Just turn around. (tapes a mic to Pepper's back.)

LOGAINNE:

Mr. Barfee…

PEPPER:

MISS! I'm a girl, remember?

LOGAINNE:

So sorry…MISS Barfee. Your word is..."Injudicious."

PEPPER:

May I have a definition?

LOGAINNE:

Unwise.

Song #6: As Ugly As Me

PEPPER:

LOOK AT MEACHAM, A LIVING "SLEEPING BEAUTY." HE APPEARS TO BE WEEPING, BUT OH, I UNDERSTAND WHY. THAT HANDSOME ASIAN FACE MAKES ME LOVE HIS RACE, BUT OF COURSE THERE COULDN'T EVER BE AN ASIAN POSSIBLY BETTER THAN MEACHAM…I LOVE HIM! BUT DOES HE LOVE ME? OF COURSE NOT! AND THE REASON IS PERFECTLY CLEAR. TAKE A LOOK AT ME AND TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE. DO YOU SEE A BLOSSOM OF YOUTH AND BEAUTY? NO! YOU SEE A FAT AND UGLY GIRL WITH NO LIFE BESIDES SPELLING. MEACHAM'S FAKING DOES MEAN WELL, BUT NO ONE COULD POSSIBLY SEE THE CHARM INSIDE A GIRL AS UGLY AS ME! I CAN'T WIN THE SPELLING BEE. NO, I WILL NOT WIN THE SPELLING BEE. I PLAN TO BE TELLING MEACHAM I WON'T WIN THE SPELLING BEE. MAYBE…I COULD COME IN SECOND PLACE AND MEACHAM, WITH A WORRIED FACE WILL GET A HAND OF WINNING HELP BEFORE HE STARTS TO WHINE AND YELP BY ME! NO…I CAN'T COME IN SECOND, LET ALONE FIRST. I'VE GOTTA GIVE OTHERS A CHANCE TO FEEL THE GLEE, PLUS NO ONE WANTS THE WINNER TO BE SOMEONE AS TERRIBLE UGLY AS ME! I'VE GOT AN AWFUL ADVANTAGE THIS STUPID MAGIC HAND. WITHOUT IT I SUCK AT SPELLING…THERE'S NO ONE LESS BLAND. I'M SURE THAT IT'S AGAINST THE RULES TO CHEAT, AND OBVIOUSLY NO ONE WANTS TO GET BEAT. THIS NEXT WORD I'LL ATTEMPT WITHOUT THE HAND, AND SURELY THAT WILL SHOW THE LAND WHAT A HORRIBLE SPELLER I AM. PLUS, I'M STARTING TO SEE, THAT WHO WANTS THE WINNER TO BE SOMEONE AS STUPID, AND CHUBBY, AND NERDY, AND TERRIBLY, AWFULLY, GREATLY, ENTIRELY UGLY AS…

BIPPY:

Alright mom, we've made up.

LOGAINNE:

Awesome! Mrs. Barfee!

PEPPER:

…ME.

LOGAINNE:

Mrs. Barfee, injudicious!

BRUCE:

Yo! Dude!

TRIXIE:

Can I help you?

BRUCE:

Yeah. How do you spell "injudicious?"

TRIXIE:

Why do you need to know? It's not your word!

BRUCE:

Tell...me...

TRIXIE:

Okay, okay! I-N-J-U-D-I-C-I-O-U-S.

BRUCE:

Thanks.

PEPPER:

Ahem...Injudicious...I...

BRUCE'S VOICE (MICED)

I-N-J-U-D-I-C-I-O-U-S.

LOGAINNE:

That is correct!

PEPPER:

Oh my gosh, I didn't say that! Wait...it was BRUCE! He pinned a mic to my back! Of course!

LOGAINNE:

What?!!!!?!? Another contestant spelled a word FOR you?????

PEPPER:

Exactly!

LOGAINNE:

Bruce Barfee, please come here.

BRUCE:

Wha huh? What did I do?

LOGAINNE:

You know what you did. You spelled the word "injudicious" for Mrs. Barfee here.

BRUCE:

So what if I did?

LOGAINNE:

That is strictly against the rules! I'm afraid I'm going to have to disqualify you.

BRUCE:

WHAT?? That's not fair, I spelled it right! I can't get out for a word I spelled RIGHT!

CHIP:

Life is random and unfair, life is...sorry...

Song #7: The First Goodbye

BRUCE:

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? PEPPER SPELLED MY WORD FOR ME! SHE SHOULD BE OUT, TOO!

MITCH:

WE DID WHAT WE HAD TO DO, DUDE.

BRUCE AND MITCH:

LIFE IS RANDOM AND UNFAIR!

MITCH:

GOODBYE! GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOOBYE, GOODBYE!

Here, take this orange juice.

BRUCE:

What? That's not fair! I like apple juice better!

MITCH:

Well, I was getting complaints about how addictive my apple juice was, so I had to switch to orange juice.

BRUCE:

Bogus!

SPELLERS:

Goodbye!

OLIVE:

Did our little Bruce just get disqualified? (starts to cry.)

WILLIAM:

Yeah, yeah, I know, so sad, now shut up and watch the bee.

LOGAINNE:

SNACK BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL:

Thank G-d!

Song #8: A Horrible Mistake

BRUCE:

This really sucks. I mean it really sucks. I always knew I was a horrible speller, but I never knew I would end up like THIS! Selling snacks! Oh my gosh!

IT IS TRADITION THAT THE PERSON ELIMINATED FROM THE COMPETITION IS FAIR GAME FOR DERISION. ESPECIALLY THE ALPHA MALE…HE'LL SELL GOODIES AT THE BAKE SALE! THIS MAKES ME SO MAD I CAN NEVER DESCRIBE IT. MY FURY IS RISING. NO NEED TO DESCRIBE IT! IT WAS AN UNWISE THING, I BLEED JUST TO SITE IT. AND I WAS OUT UNFAIRLY. A MISTAKE! A HORRIBLE MISTAKE! I OWED PEPPER, SO I PAID HER BACK. BUT THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR PETE'S SAKE TO DENY MY HIDDEN KNACK! I REALLY CAN SPELL…MAYBE NOT SO WELL…BUT WHO COULDN'T TELL IT WAS ME WHO WOULD YELL, "INJUDICIOUS, UNWISE!" A STARTLING SURPRISE! A SCARE TO MY BARE EYES! A MISTAKE! A HORRIBLE MISTAKE!

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