Title: She's Not My Kid!

Rating: Teen

Warnings: Naughty thoughts and awkward situations…

Summary: When a young girl comes to see Kakashi, she ends up living with the ice hearted Uchiha. Let's see whose heart melts first…

A/n: This is going to be funny!


She's Not My Kid!

Chapter One: Meet Miss Mari!

Kakashi sat in a tree, for no particular reason other than being incredibly… how to put this… himself?

He would have sat on the hokage tower, had it been for Iruka taking his students there for a trip. What Kakashi needed was to be away from all children. Including teenagers who acted like spoiled children…

Sadly it didn't help. He still felt empty. It was only five years ago he'd been laden with… No, he shouldn't think about it.

He swallowed hard and then…

"Kakashi-sensei and a bird, sitting in a tree… That could sound really wrong!" the number one hyper-active loud mouthed idiot ninja yelled trying to say the first part in a sing-song voice… which wasn't too hard as his voice was still squeaky.

Kakashi didn't even know a ninja who could reach that pitch when he'd been through puberty. At least, he thought Naruto had been through puberty, but he may be wrong.

"What do you want, Naruto?" Kakashi sighed lazily, giving up on being away from everyone. As he hopped out of the tree, Naruto's usually HUMONGOUS cheesy grin broadened (if it was possible). That was when Kakashi was alerted to it. Something was up…

Or rather he was…

"Naruto! Get me out of this net at once!"

Naruto began laughing at his ex-sensei's yelps of surprise as he hung upside down in a trap.

"Sorry Kakashi-sensei, but I thought this would be the only way you would come without trying ti escape!"

Damned daily horoscope. It told him he wouldn't need any weapons that day. So what did Kakashi do? Leave them on the kitchen counter!

After being dragged about half the small village Kakashi had had enough.

It was then that… well… seven blood noses, six busted bones, FIVE NINKEN DOGS! Four interruptions, three by-standers trying to interfere, two jounins trying to pull them apart and an incredibly annoyed Tsunade later, that Kakashi realised that something was definitely up. That is to say, your least favourite ex-pupil wouldn't drag you past Ichiraku Ramen five times and not trying to be giving you a hint.

"Alright, Naruto if you stop this madness, I will treat you to ramen!"

Naruto's eyes went as round as dinner plates.

"You'd do that!?" he asked in pure amazement.

"Yes, just let me go!"

"No can do, but I will take you up on that ramen offer!" and with that, the long journey continued.

It was well into the night when Naruto stopped dragging Kakashi. He knew this because the forceful pulling on the net subsided. Even though he was asleep, he could feel this… In other words, he was a light sleeper.

And he heard voices.

"Naruto! He wasn't supposed to be asleep when you brought him back!"

Kakashi recognised that voice as Iruka's.

"I didn't mean to, he did that by himself!"

Kakashi drew a conclusion.

Naruto was hopeless at defending himself verbally.

"No problem Iruka, I'm awake! Yo!" Kakashi opened his eye (a/n: literally, eye) and looked at the bright light. Looks of terror shone on the faces of the chuunin and the blonde genin. Kakashi smiled wickedly under his mask. "Mind if I ask what is going on, and why I was dragged around the village seventeen times?"

Iruka looked like he could've almost fainted.

"SURPRISE!"

People jumped out of the light and pounced into the middle of the room, to see a bound and formerly gagged Kakashi.

"What the hell!?" Kiba took the liberty to yell.

Then they all stared at the silver-haired jounin.

"Can someone tell me what is going on?" Kakashi pleaded.

Everyone had a classic sweat drop on the back of their heads by the time Kakashi finished his sentence.

Surprisingly, it was Hinata who spoke up.

"We are sorry Kakashi-sensei, but Iruka said that today is the anniversary of the day you lost someone special. And you seemed to being ignoring us, so we thought you were miserable, so we tried our best to cheer you up…" The Hyuuga girl blushed brightly and titled her head towards the floor. Kakashi always wondered why Naruto wouldn't get it into his thick head that she liked him. He was sure she'd make a good wife…

'Bad Kakashi!' he mentally scolded himself.

Minutes passed where no-one spoke, until Kakashi raised his head to look at Iruka.

"Thank you, everyone…" Kakashi said. He sounded sincere even though he was totally faking it. Who really needed to be dragged around Konoha for the whole day to make them feel happy, besides Rock Lee and Maito Gai!?

"Knock. Knock. Knock."

The door seemed to be knocked gently, as if by a child. Iruka looked confused.

"None of my students are coming for tutoring tonight, and I'm sure everyone who was invited is here…"

While he tried to think of who it could be, Kurenai opened the door.

Everything changed when one word was spoken.

"Tsunade-sama?"

The sannin entered, looking severely pissed and at her side, an angelic looking child. The child, unmistakably female, had pale blonde hair that fell loosely to about an inch after her undeveloped hips, and her eyes were grey, like rain. But this girl, who looked so angelic, was hanging onto the robe of a very pissed and sleep-deprived Hokage. That kind of picture was very scary.

"Kakashi! You are dead!" the sannin belted out, taking deep breaths to control her anger. Just like the anger management lady had told her to…

"May I ask why, lovely Hokage?"

"Don't you "lovely Hokage" me, mister! This girl has been waiting to see you all afternoon! How dare you make a young lady wait!" Tsunade looked like she was going to explode.

Kakashi looked at the tiny kid. He didn't know any children.

"I'm sorry miss, but what is your name?" Iruka asked the small girl politely. The girl seemed to be happy with being treated so politely.

"I'm… Mari," the girl said softly. Her voice even sounded angelic.

"Okay," Iruka smiled. "Nice to meet you Mari. I'm Iruka, and may I ask you something?"

Mari looked at him shyly and nodded. Iruka started up again.

"Why have you come to see Kakashi?"

Mari blinked a few times and seemed to be wondering why anyone would ask her this, like ti was totally obvious or something.

"Because! Kakashi is my daddy!" the girl piped up.

This lead to everyone looking really shocked/scared/out of their mind with laughter (Anko, Asuma and Kurenai)

"Are you sure you're not confused?" Iruka asked, refusing to believe that Kakashi has spawned with anyone.

Mari shook her head and glared at Iruka. "Daddy said so!"

"…" Now Iruka was confused. Luckily, Kakashi wasn't.

"Now, now Mari. How is your Daddy?" Kakashi tried not to break down in tears of laughter.

"Daddy is fine. And so is daddy!"

By this time everyone was lost. And Kakashi didn't plan on keeping it that way.

"Everyone, meet my daughter, Hatake Mari."

Mari smiled at being called by her first name.

"Didn't she say something about another daddy?" Iruka was so confused; his eyes seemed to be doing swirls.

"That's right. Kakashi is my daddy. But he couldn't take care of me, so I was given to my other daddy and his partner!"

"But why are you here Mari?" Kakashi looked sternly at the young girl.

"Because it is my birthday today and daddy can't take care of me because he and his partner want time alone!" Mari looked like she was going to cry.

Kurenai felt sorry for the young girl.

"Is your daddy's partner nice to you, Mari?" she asked, holding back tears.

"Yes, he takes me to lake almost every weekend!"

"H-He!?" Kurenai was shocked. Iruka didn't want to know.

"Yeah, I have three daddies."

Kakashi was trying not to laugh at his girl's logic, but it was too cute.

"You see guys; this was the important person I lost five years ago. Today is her fifth birthday and when she was born I left her with my cousin and his partner… Yes my cousin is GAY!" Kakashi was on the verge of laughing out loud.

Naruto was most likely the ONLY person who was able to understand this, because one his mind was always scrambled like the story Kakashi had told and… well that was actually the only reason.

"Mari-chan, I can't take care of you. I have to go on missions, so you'll have to stay with someone else. Sorry, sweetie" Kakashi picked up the girl who'd begun sobbing after hearing her father 'reject' her again. Kakashi than looked around at everyone, pleadingly. "Who would look after her for a while? I'll be away on a mission for the next month, so could someone…?"

The whole female population of the room was vying to have the girl, who looked at them all.

'The girl with pink hair seems too clingy. The one with buns looks funny. The blonde looks scary. Scratch that, the one with the fan IS the scariest. That lady has red eyes! That must be unnatural! And that lady looks insane! The old lady I came in with seems too old. And her helper can't even seem to take care of a pig!' Mari thought in silly five year old logic. Remembering Shizune's earlier incident with losing Tonton, which scratched all of the women out.

Mari looked at her father and shook her head.

All of the women went into a corner and went blue, drawing circles on the floor.

Kakashi stared at his kid, wondering if she'd been dropped on her head after he left her with his cousin.

"But sweetie, I think you need a female role-model!"

"No! I want to stay with daddy!" the girl was stubborn, like Naruto.

Kakashi sighed heavily, giving in. It was the easiest thing to do, as he'd found out with having been training Naruto.

"Guys, would one of you?"

The boys looked revolted at the thought.

"I can't. I have to go to the academy everyday. I suppose she could come…" Iruka began, but Kakashi cut over the top of him with a stern "no".

Chouji couldn't as he was going away with his family for a short while. Shino said he didn't think small girls liked bugs. Shikamaru said he was too lazy to look after a five year old, which everyone seemed to agree with. Everyone doubted Gaara and Kankuro's abilities with children, so there was a fast "no". Jiraiya began to say something, but Kakashi grabbed his daughter away from his reach and held her tightly. "No, Jiraiya-sama!"

Neji, unsurprisingly, didn't like children much. But after Hinata pleaded with him, it became that Mari could have a sleepover at the Hyuuga estate every once and a while.

Konohamaru was too young.

Kiba was too rowdy.

Naruto was too much like a five year old to be able to care for one.

Asuma was too busy.

Lee was too… youthful.

Gai was too… see above.

And that left one person…

A very unhappy Uchiha prodigy.

Mari looked at the shadowy Uchiha boy and smiled.

"Daddy! I want to stay with him!" Mari pointed frantically at the Uchiha boy, who was scared internally. He so wasn't going to show it.


"Kakashi! I am NOT good with KIDS!" Sasuke protested as Kakashi packed his bags. Mari was outside talking with Hinata, who had been looking for some clothes for the tiny girl, as eh herself, had been a petite, fragile child.

Naruto had started laughing at the fact Sasuke had said the words "good" and "kids" in the same sentence. He thought he would only hear that, when Sasuke admitted he ate babies, and said that "kids taste good".

Sakura was envious of her Sasuke being able to look after such a cute girl. And in turn, she envied the girl for being able to live with Sasuke.

Kakashi just smiled.

Sasuke glared.

And Mari was happily oblivious to it all.

And Iruka was STILL confused!


A/n: What I nice beginning, ne? Yes, she is Kakashi's daughter, no she doesn't know who her mother is, and yes, you will find out later. Yes, I had to stick Sasuke with her… Let's see how horrible the Uchiha can be to a small female child, ne? Hope you liked. R&R please!