A/N: After reading a fic with a fairy-tale theme, it occurred to me when House called Wilson a 'functional vampire', what if he was closer to the truth than he realized. What if Wilson actually was a vampire? This is definitely an alternate universe story, and it may be terrible, but sometimes when you get an idea in your head you just have to go with it.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, can't even borrow them.
Spoilers: Not sure yet, so all say spoilers for all episodes, because I really don't know what I'll try to work in yet!
"Tell them my name's not Wilson," he demanded.
"His name's not Wilson, and he's screwed up worse than me," House called into the living room. Wilson confessed what House wanted to hear, and turned to leave.
"Thanks for the game guys, don't think I'll be coming back," Wilson said as he picked up his jacket and practically ran to the door. Of course he wouldn't be back, not when he'd come so close to being exposed.
"You're a functional vampire," he heard from behind him, and nearly stumbled. He continued walking, hoping that House wouldn't follow him. Of course, he did. Wilson turned on him and changed the argument, made it about House and his shortcomings instead of solely about him.
He couldn't afford to have House suspicious of him. Not House. His secret was easy enough to keep from everyone else, but House wasn't like everyone else. Once House was bent on finding something out, it got found out. End of story. Wilson just couldn't let that happen.
Luckily, House's phone rang and a problem with his patient diverted his attention. He hoped that House would dismiss this latest indiscretion as a symptom of the psychological ailments he had decided Wilson had, and not look any further.
Once they'd arrived at the hospital, House asked Wilson to talk to the patient and the father again. Wilson thought it was odd that House hadn't commented on Wilson's uncanny knowledge of Christianity, seeing as he believed Wilson to be Jewish. It was just one more thing in a long list of things Wilson was glad House hadn't questioned him on.
His job done, Wilson went back to his office to be alone. He thought about House, and thought for probably the thousandth time that his existence might be easier if they weren't friends. This would happen once a week or so, and Wilson would go through all the reasons why the pros outweighed the cons.
Funny, most people thought there couldn't possibly be pros to having House as a friend. And for a normal person, that might just be true. But Wilson was anything but normal. And he was anything but a person.