A/N- Ok this is something I have been working on for a while. I could never decided if it was quite right so I just decided to post it. It starts in chapter 3 of New Moon and it is in Edward's POV. I have written the second half of the story and it is called The Final Act. It is already posted. So if people like this I will continue with it. I have enough stuff to probably write another few chapters in order to tell the whole story that I have in my head. Alright enough from me. Please read and review. Nashville here I come!!
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer
Right and wrong, two simple five letter words. I had thought so much about them the last few days. Was it right for me to keep her for myself? Yes, but it was also wrong to put her life in danger. Selfish creature that I am, I thought of my needs and wants first. In the end it wasn't about my wants and needs it was about Bella and her safety. The vision of my love in mortal danger because of what my family and I were was just too much. It was hard enough when outsiders were a threat to her, but it was unbearable to think that a threat had come from inside my family.
A paper cut. It was something so trivial, people get paper cuts all the time but in the presence of my family it turned into a life threatening situation. Jasper's reaction to the paper cut, what was he thinking? He wasn't, that was the problem, he was reacting to instinct. Jasper had a harder time then the rest of us. I couldn't blame him, after all I was the one who brought Bella into this family, into this dangerous life. The blame rested solely on my shoulders and now I had to make it right.
The last three days have been torture. I have slowly been letting her go. I sent my family away the day after her disastrous party. I had to harden my resolve. Alice didn't believe I could truly walk away completely. Esme was just concerned about what would happen to me. I couldn't have them around they would try to influence my decision. I knew a time would come when we would be apart. I just always thought that it would be her decision that she would get tired of me. I never thought I would have to leave her because it was my choice. I felt the sadness consume me. The past three days had been torture worse then anything I had experienced in my existence.
Today was the day I would say good bye to Bella. I could do this, I had to do this. She would move on, her life would be full of love and warmth. I slowly continued this mantra to myself convincing myself that this was what was right. I would ask her to meet me at her house after school and I would tell her. Then I would leave forever. The thought was almost impossible to believe.
Bella met me at her house after school just like I had asked. I had to make this happen it was time to say goodbye. I didn't know how long this would take. I could spend all afternoon trying to convince her that I didn't love her. She may never believe me. I convinced her to walk with me into the forest. She was hesitant and she knew something was coming. It was plain on her face that she was uncomfortable about the distance I had put between us. It would be worse in a few minutes. How could I do this? But I had to for her sake.
I leaned against a tree looking into her deep brown eyes trying to remember all the reasons I was telling her goodbye.
"Okay, let's talk," she said this with such a brave face but I could see the fear in her eyes.
"Bella we're leaving." There I had said it and it sounded all wrong.
"Why now? Another year-" She thought she was coming with me. I had to stop this.
"Bella , it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We would have to start over soon regardless." A slow realization crept onto her face. I stared at her coldly to drive home the point and the pain that coursed through my body was worse than my transformation.
"When you say we-," she barely whispered her question. She knew the answer.
"I mean my family and myself," I said each word deliberately separate from the next making the point clear that she was not part of my family and the pain continued to rip through me. She shook her head trying to clear the doubt I had put there. I waited to see just how much she understood what I was trying to tell her.
"Okay, I'll come with you." She had missed the point completely and each passing minute weakened my resolve.
"You can't, Bella. Where we're going …It's not the right place for you." I said this with a conviction I wasn't sure I still had but she fought back.
"Where you are is the right place for me."
"I'm no good for you Bella." I had to take the blame and it was the truth, I wasn't good for her. My existence brought her nothing but pain and near death experiences.
"Don't be ridiculous. You're the best part of my life." And you're the very bet part of mine is what I wanted to say but that would defeat the purpose. She was still holding on.
"My world is not for you."
"What happened with Jasper- that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" She was angry and her resolve had not yet weakened. There had to be a way. I couldn't bear to watch the pain I was causing her.
"You're right it was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"
"As long as that was best for you," I reminded. I was no longer best for her. I could only bring her harm.
"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" She meant her words to sound angry but there was a pleading to her tone that I couldn't shake. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already!"
It was so much more than I could take. She loved me; she would give everything to be with me even her soul. I couldn't take it. I couldn't destroy her and make her a monster like I was. I loved her too much for that. I was now about to do the one thing that I knew would convince her. I had to harden my resolve first. I looked at the ground for a brief moment composing my thoughts. I could feel my lips twist at the thought of the damage I was about to do to the one person who loved me unconditionally.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." Those were the hardest words I have ever spoken. How could I not want her? She was the one bright light amongst all the darkness in my existence. It had taken a century for me to find someone to be my equal and I had to let her go. There had to be something better than me for her out there.
Bella repeated my words slowly. "You…don't…want…me?" It was obvious my words had served their purpose. Bella looked stricken. My words had succeeded and everything inside me screamed no. How could she believe me so easily? I was prepared to do battle for hours to convince her, this was right but she had no confidence in my love. How easy it was for her to doubt me?
"Well that changes things." Bella's heart was racing even though she appeared calm on the outside. I couldn't bear to look at her. Everything inside crumbled. I looked away to the trees again to gain some courage.
"Of course, I'll always love you ….in a way." In everyway that mattered. "But what happened the other night made me realize it's time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not Bella. I'm not human." I wished more than anything that I was human. It took everything in me to continue with the lies. "I've let this go on far too long, and I'm sorry for that."
"Don't. Don't do this." She could barely speak and the pain I was inflicting on her would forever haunt my thoughts.
"You're not good for me, Bella." Everything I said was blasphemy against the feelings I truly had for her. Yet she still believed all of it so easily.
"If …that's what you want." NO, my mind screamed. I wanted to scream and yell and shake some sense into her. But this is what had to happen. Bella deserved the freedom from my existence, from the monster that I was.
"I would like to ask one favor, though, if it's not too much." I looked at her full in the face for the first time and the pain I saw there caught me off guard. I could feel the pain I saw in her face start to reflect in my face but I composed myself quickly. I was too far in I had to finish this. I didn't know how much longer I could look at her without completely falling apart.
"Anything." She could only speak in whispers now, a sure sign that reality had settled over her.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I could no longer speak to her in detached tones. I needed her to understand me. I couldn't have her hurting herself over me. It was destroying me to leave her but if anything happened to her I would cease to exist. It really was that simple. She nodded slowly in response. "I am thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself-for him." I so desperately wanted to add and for me. It would not serve a purpose except to give her hope and there was none of that left for either of us.
"I will make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me. It will be as if I never existed." I wish that were the case. If I didn't exist I wouldn't cause her pain but then I would never have known a love so deep and true that it brought me to my knees.