AN: I do not own Teen Titans. Get it? Got it? Good…
She sat in the rocking chair, a soft loving smile on her face. She slowly rocked back and forth, ever so gently. It was a slow motion, but a comforting one. Her white robes covered her well, shielding her body from sight. Even her face was hidden behind a large hood, only allowing her soft smile to be seen. In her arms she held the object of her affection, the only being to ever bring true joy in her life. She was still a small babe, only having been born two weeks before.
Softly she hummed a lullaby to her sleeping daughter, knowing that the melody would keep her in sweet dreams, despite her usually gravely voice. She loved this child more than anything else in the world. She looked very much like her father with only traces of her mother. She had fair, green skin; lighter than her father's. Her hair, though only a soft dusting on her petite head, was violet, just as her mother's hair was. She still didn't have her right eye color yet, so they were blue. And her ears were slightly hinting towards pointed. She was a unique child, but beautiful none-the-less.
Raven knew that her life wasn't going to get easier; not with this child she had now. But she was grateful for her. No, she hadn't come along under the best of circumstances. She had been quite a surprise; that was for sure. And, unfortunately, it hadn't been a pleasant surprise.
Her relationship with Beast Boy had seemed perfect. Two years ago they had been a serious couple in love and each had plans of spending the rest of their lives together. It had been a rocky relationship, at first, but slowly they had gotten comfortable with each other.
She could still remember the first time he had asked her out. She thought he was being put up to it on a dare by Cyborg. But, once she checked with his emotions, she could feel that he did have affection for her. Still feeling a bit flustered, she didn't give him an answer for three weeks. And she gave a very nervous and doubtful yes.
Slowly from then on they grew closer and before they knew it they were openly boyfriend and girlfriend. That had been, by far, the least likeliest thing that could have ever happened. Beast Boy and Raven becoming a couple in love.
They had been together for three years when she arrived. When she came back into all of their lives. When she ruined what was the happiest time in Ravens life. Terra. Raven could remember the day she had come back. The way she had walked into the tower like nothing had happened. The way she smiled and was welcomed back by all of her friends. And the way Beast Boy's eyes lit up and Raven watched him fall in love with her all over again.
And she could remember two days later when Beast Boy caught her alone in the common room, sitting on the couch. The way he slowly walked over to her and sat down.
"Hey," he said.
"Hi," she said with a soft smile as she read her book.
He was quiet for a moment, then sighed and said, "Uh, Rae, we kinda need to talk."
Raven flipped the page of her book and asked, "About what?"
"About… us," he had said uncomfortably.
Raven looked up again and saw how sad and nervous he looked. "What about us?" she asked, suddenly feeling nervous as well.
"Well, uh, look, these last few years have been awesome," said Beast Boy, taking her hand.
"Oh, I don't like where this is going," said Raven, her heart racing uncomfortably.
"And I want you to know that you've been nothing but an awesome girlfriend," said Beast Boy. "Really, one of the best. But, I… I think we should stop seeing each other."
Raven felt as if her heart had been crushed within her chest and her breath caught in her throat. "Wh-what?" she asked. "But… why?"
"Well… I've been talking with Terra and I've realized that… I'm still in love with her," said Beast Boy, unable to look Raven in the eye.
Raven bit her lip and felt her eyes swell with tears. "So… you don't love me anymore," said Raven, keeping her voice as steady as she could.
"No, it's not that," said Beast Boy. "I'll always love you. I'm just not… in love with you… anymore."
Raven wanted to break down right there and weep. But she could not. Her powers wouldn't allow her and she didn't want Beast Boy to see her upset. She willed her tears to slow down and she breathed as slowly as she could.
"Well… I hope you and Terra are happy together," she said, her voice shaky. "I have to go now." And with that she phased out of there and to her room.
She remembered how she had fought her hardest not to lose control of her emotions. But it had been hard; so very hard. She had given him her heart, believing he had done the same. But with Terra's return he ripped his heart away from her and ripped her own into pieces.
She left the tower a week later. She had not left the Titans, she would still go on missions and such; she was just no longer a resident of the famous T shaped tower. She just couldn't stand watching Beast Boy and Terra together. They were so happy, so relieved to be together after all of these years of being apart. And to see the man she loved in love with another woman was far too much for her.
The other three Titans had tried to get her to come back. They told her that she had to move on. That once she did she'd be able to be friends with Beast Boy and all would be well again. But she just couldn't do that. She would never be able to see the two of them together and feel comfortable.
And so, the weeks passed and then the months. Soon it had been over a year. Raven had gotten herself a nice apartment within the city, somewhat close to the tower. When she was not fighting along her friends she was alone in her apartment, meditating. She had so much time to meditate now that her cloak had gone to white, meaning she had a balanced control over all her emotions now.
And then one evening, while she was sitting quite comfortably on her couch reading, she heard a knock on her door. She went to it and found Beast Boy standing in her doorway.
"Beast Boy, what are you doing here?" she asked.
"I… I wanted to talk to you," said Beast Boy. "Can I come in?"
"Uh, sure," said Raven, stepping aside for him to come in. "What's going on?"
He sighed and said, "I'm having problems with Terra."
"Oh," was all Raven could say. They went over to her couch and sat down.
"It's just that lately, I don't know, I feel like our relationship isn't going anywhere," said Beast Boy. "Everything feels boring, like we're stuck."
"Beast Boy, I really think you should go to someone else for help," said Raven. "Because I'm not about to give you relationship advice."
"Why not?" he asked. "We're still friends, right?"
"We haven't spoken outside of battle in a year," said Raven, coldly. "I don't think we can ever be friends again. I'm sorry, but you've come to the wrong place for help."
"Well, I don't know who else to go to at this point," said Beast Boy. "I've talked to everyone in the tower and no one can tell me what I should do."
"Then perhaps you should try thinking for yourself for once," said Raven, plainly. "You're an adult now, handle your own life."
"Why are you being so cold to me?" he asked.
"Why do you think?" she growled. "Now if you have nothing else to say to me, go and be with your Terra and work out your problems."
It grew quiet for a moment and Raven wished that he would just leave. She grabbed her book, opened it back up, and pretended to read. Beast Boy just couldn't take his eyes off of her. He could see all of the pain she was in, and he was the cause of it.
"Rae, I never meant to hurt you," said Beast Boy softly. "You know that, right?"
"Leave, Beast Boy," she said through her teeth.
"Please, can't we at least work this out?" he asked.
"There's nothing to work out," said Raven plainly.
"Come on, Raven!" he said, growing frustrated. "Why are you stuck in the past? It's been a year! I've moved on, why can't you? It just wasn't meant to be. Can't you understand that? We had a great time together, so let's just think of it as a time when we strengthened our friendship."
Raven slammed her book shut and turned to him, looking him dead in the eye. "We weren't even friends before," she hissed. "How could we possibly be friends afterwards? After you broke my heart? After you left me for the one person I truly despise? You want us to be friends? Well fuck you!" And with that she stood up and went back to her door. She threw it open and shouted, "Get out!"
"Raven, you're being unreasonable!" said Beast Boy going to her.
"I have a damn good reason to be!" she yelled at him, the beginnings of tears filling her rage filled eyes. "You have no idea how I feel or what you've done to me."
"What the hell did I do to you?" asked Beast Boy, trying not to yell but clearly failing. "We broke up! You think you're the only woman to be broken up with? You're taking this all too personally!"
"How the hell can I not?" she cried. "I thought that you loved me, I really did. But the second she walked through the doors of the tower you forgot all about me and went back to her, you're real love. And that's when I knew that all that time, all three years of our relationship, you had just used me as a replacement for her. You never loved me. And you don't want me to take any of it personally?"
"Raven, that's not true!" he said. "I really did love you. When I was with you I swear I never had to think about Terra once, and that was because you were there. I had completely forgotten about her until she came back. So don't think that my love for you wasn't real."
"Real love lasts, no matter what," said Raven, crossing her arms, now unable to stop the tears that dripped off her cheeks. "And no matter who. If you had really loved me you wouldn't have left me… for her."
It was quite clear to Beast Boy that she wasn't just a woman scorned. And he had known this from the beginning. It just pained him so much he had chosen not to think about it. Raven wasn't a normal person, not by any means. She felt the emotions of everyone around her, which must have been very frustrating, confusing, and flustering. And to keep her powers at bay she had to separate herself from everyone else. So it was obvious that no one had ever loved her before, nevertheless shown her love.
He had been the first to do that. To fall in love with her and actually show her his love. He knew she had dreamed of someone loving her all her life. To not be afraid of what she was. To accept her and despite her negativities know that she was normal underneath it all.
No one else would ever be able to give her what he gave her. He knew that. He knew no one else would be brave enough to get to know her like he had. No one else would brave her cold exterior to feel the warmth of her heart. He hadn't just broken up with her, he had dashed all of her hopes and dreams of love. He had proven to her that no one would ever be able to love her unconditionally and eternally.
From then on everything seemed a blur to Raven. The way he had slowly moved towards her and then took her in his arms, as he had used to. The way she couldn't stop her tears now and she openly wept in front of him. The way she clung to him and prayed that he wouldn't leave her.
She wasn't sure who kissed who first, but it had happened. A kiss that was meant to take away her sorrow, but meant so much more. And it was that kiss that led to the rest of the night. A night Raven could never forget and Beast Boy would quickly regret. And it all seemed to happen so fast, before either of them could stop themselves and think of what the consequences would be for their actions. At that moment, it hadn't mattered. She needed him and for the first time in a long while he needed her.
And now that consequence was sleeping quite comfortably in her arms. Raven was going to be sure not to tell her little girl who her father was, just as she was not going to tell her father of her existence. She had done a good job of keeping her a secret thus far. No one knew of her daughter's existence. They hadn't even known of Ravens pregnancy.
When she found out she was pregnant she felt as if her world was ending. The morning after Beast Boy had made love to her he quickly said that it was a mistake and that he had to go. That was when Raven finally knew that she had to forget him and move on with her life; even if that meant she would never feel love again. And when it turned out she was pregnant she knew she couldn't let him know, or let anyone else know for that matter.
She alerted Robin that she was taking a leave from the Titans for a few years. She said that she needed to 'find herself' and a bunch of other wishy-washy excuses. In the end he had accepted her reasons and was left to tell the rest of the Titans that for a while she would not be joining them on missions.
And so they left her alone. Of course, she would get frequent phone calls from her friends begging her to at least go out with them. And at first she could hang out with them, go share a pizza or whatever, but as the months went on she began making up excuses and soon they never saw her. Which was just what she wanted. She barely even left her apartment for fear that she would be discovered.
She couldn't believe she had pulled it off. But the proof was right there, cuddled in her arms. Her little daughter; whom she had named Myrna meaning beloved. The only ones who knew of her existence were Raven and the doctor and nurses who had helped deliver her two weeks before. This child was now the only thing Raven had and she was grateful for her, no matter how she came into existence. She gave Raven a reason to move on, to live life.
A soft knock echoed through her apartment. Raven slightly jumped and stopped rocking. She waited and heard the knocking again. She quickly stood up and gently lay her baby down in her bassinet. Once she was sure she was still asleep she left the little nursery and closed the door, just incase.
She went to the door asked, "Who is it?"
"Uh… it's Beast Boy," he said, then let out a small yelp of pain as if someone had jabbed him, "and Terra."
"What do you want?" asked Raven, feeling nervous and looking towards the closed nursery door.
"We were just passing through the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by," said Beast Boy.
"Well, um, I've very busy," said Raven. "I'm sorry, maybe some other time."
"Come on, Raven, we haven't even seen you in like a year," said Terra. Just her voice alone made Raven cringe. "You can't be that busy."
"Sorry, I am," said Raven, plainly.
"We don't want to stay all day, just for a minute," said Beast Boy.
"No," said Raven, firmly.
"Would you at least open the door so we can be sure you're still alive?" asked Beast Boy.
"I'm talking to you aren't I?" said Raven.
"Yeah, but you could be a robot who's been programmed with Ravens voice so that we would think that you're her, but you're really not and she's been abducted by aliens who want to…" Beast Boy rambled on until Terra elbowed him again.
'Same old Beast Boy,' Raven thought, rolling her eyes.
"Raven, could you please open the door so I don't have to listen to him worry about you any more?" Terra pleaded.
'He's been worried about me?' she thought. She sighed and said, "Fine." She opened the door and let the two see her. "There, are you happy now?"
"No," said Beast Boy. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, everyone's like worried sick about you," said Terra, though she was not all that concerned.
"Well I'm perfectly fine," said Raven. "I've just been busy. I told Robin to tell you that I'd be absent for a while."
"Yeah, but for how long?" asked Beast Boy.
"As long as I need to be," she said coldly. "Is that all?"
"Uh… yeah, I guess so," said Beast Boy, unsatisfied. But Terra elbowed him for a third time. "Oh, yeah, we've got some cool news. We…"
"We're getting married," said Terra, holding out her engagement ring.
Ravens eyes locked on the ring and she couldn't help but gasp. She felt as if the wind had been knocked right out of her. She quickly regained her composure and said, "Well… congratulations."
"Thanks," said Terra, smiling and clinging to Beast Boy's arm.
The three stood there in an awkward silence for a few moments. Beast Boy could see the shock and pain in Ravens eyes and he hated himself for making her hurt so much. He hadn't wanted to tell her, but Terra had pushed him, saying that this would help her once and for all realize that it was over between them. Beast Boy had never told Terra about the night he and Raven had shared months before.
"So… is that all?" asked Raven, really hoping it was.
"Uh, yeah, I guess," he said again, hoping Terra wouldn't jab him again and remind him of something he was forgetting.
"Okay, then, good-," she started, but her farewell was cut short by the sound of a baby's cries. Raven's eyes went wide and she paled. Beast Boy and Terra jumped the second they heard it, and then looked very confused and curious.
"What was that?" asked Terra.
"Uh…sounds like a baby," said Raven, very uneasily. "Well goodbye, I'm busy." And with that she quickly shut the door and locked it.
Beast Boy and Terra both stood there slightly confused. "Well that was… odd," said Terra. "Come on, let's go." She took his hand and began leading him down the hall.
"Didn't that sound like it came from Raven's apartment?" said Beast Boy as Terra led him away.
"So what if it did?" said Terra. "Doesn't matter. Maybe she's babysitting or something. Now let's get out of here." And she continued to pull him down the hall.
But Beast Boy continued to stare at Ravens door. Something wasn't right. That baby's cry… it had triggered something in him. Something very strange. The odd thing was that what it had triggered had not come from the human in him, but from the animal. Something primal and instinctive.
Once they were outside of the apartment building Terra asked, "So, you wanna head home?"
"Uh… actually, I was, um, gonna go pick up some tofu," he said with a fake smile. "We're out back at the tower."
"Okay, well I'm going home," she said and kissed him. "See you later." And with that she lifted a large slab of pavement, something she was told not to do because it destroyed the street, hopped on it and flew home.
Once she was out of sight Beast Boy sprinted back into the apartment building and ran up to Ravens floor and then back to her door. He lifted his hand to knock, but he knew she would never open the door again, let alone let him in. He stood there for a few seconds, unsure of what to do. Then he heard it again; a baby's cry. He had to get in there.
He turned into an ant and crawled in under the door. Once he was in he changed back and looked around. He couldn't see her. But he could hear her speaking softly and he could hear a baby's whimpering. He was glad for his sensitive ears. He followed the sounds and saw that they were coming from a room that had the door open only a wee bit. He quietly pushed it open and looked inside.
Raven was slowly walking back and forth, a bundle in her arms. She was speaking soft, comforting words to it. The tone of her voice, the words that she spoke, there was a gentleness and a tenderness that Beast Boy had never heard before.
"Raven?" he said.
Raven quickly looked up and saw him in the doorway. She swiftly turned from him, clutching the child close to her. "You shouldn't be here," she said, continuing to sway back and forth to keep the child calm.
"Raven, is that a baby?" he asked, feeling dumb for asking the question.
Raven was quiet for a few moments then said softly, "Yes, this is a baby."
"And… where did it come from?" he asked, his heart racing.
"From the stork," said Raven plainly.
"You know what I meant," he said, not liking that she was trying to joke around with him. Even though he knew that he would've probably tried to make a joke too if he were in her situation. "Is this… your baby?"
She thought carefully. She looked at the little girl in her arms, her bright little eyes looking up at her. "Yes, this is my baby," she said at last.
"Oh," said Beast Boy, starting to feel faint. "And… who's its father?"
"She has no father," said Raven. "She is mine. Just mine."
"Raven, she's got to have a father," said Beast Boy. "If she doesn't have a father then how was she created?"
"Beast Boy, you should go," said Raven, who still had her back to him. "There's nothing for you here."
"Raven, I'm not gonna go until you tell me who the father of that baby is," said Beast Boy.
"She has no father," Raven said again. "Yes, a man did help to create her, but she is completely mine." Slowly Raven turned around so she could face him. Myrna was covered up completely by her blanket and Beast Boy could not see one bit of her. "Now go. And please don't tell anyone about her."
"I can't go," said Beast Boy, shaking his head. "Not until you tell me who fathered this baby. Can I at least see her?"
"She's right here," said Raven, holding her daughter closer.
"Yeah, but I can't see her," said Beast Boy. "All I see is a blanket."
"Beast Boy, why are you here?" asked Raven, growing desperate. "Why did you come back? Why can't you leave me alone? You can't just barge into my life whenever it's convenient for you. You have a life of your own, a fiancé. And if you can't accept what you see before you then perhaps it's time you rethink your life and your decisions."
The baby let out a cry and Raven quickly hushed her. Her little legs kicked beneath her blanket and her little fists flew about. She was hungry, Raven knew this. She was about to feed her when Beast Boy had barged in.
Beast Boy saw the babe's little fists and his heart nearly stopped. They were pale green. All of his thoughts were confirmed just by seeing the little girl's skin pigment. "So… she is mine," he said, unable to look away from the baby girl.
"No, she's not yours," said Raven. "Yes, you helped to create her, but she is in no way yours."
"Raven, why didn't you tell me?" he asked, going closer to her.
Raven was quiet and then she said, "I had no reason to."
"What do you mean you had no reason?" he asked, growing upset. "You couldn't have told me you were pregnant?"
"And what would have been the purpose of me telling you?" asked Raven, sitting down in her rocking chair. She couldn't put off feeding her daughter any more. "You would have thought that I had done it on purpose and then hated me for it. You know it and I know it."
Beast Boy couldn't believe this was happening. She thought he didn't care for her so much that if she told him she was pregnant he would get angry and blame her. But it takes two to tango, just as it takes two to make a child. He couldn't believe he had hurt her so badly she was afraid to even call him to tell him that he was going to be a father.
But the truth was that he was still in love with her. He wasn't sure if he had ever not been in love with her. It wasn't long after spending that night with her did he realize how much she meant to him and how much she would always mean to him. And he had been praying for a reason to leave Terra and go back to her. And that's just what he would've done if she had called him up nine months ago and told him she was pregnant.
"Raven… now that I know, I can help you," he said. "I can be there for you and… what's her name?"
"Her name is Myrna," said Raven as she helped the baby to her breast. She might have been wearing her white cloak, but beneath it she wore some comfortable clothes. "And I don't want your help. Like I said, this baby is mine. Not yours."
"Yes, she is mine," said Beast Boy. "She's half mine at least."
"No, she's not," said Raven. "A baby is conceived out of love, their parents love for each other. When this child was conceived I loved you, but you did not love me. Therefore, this baby is completely mine and has nothing to do with you."
"But… I do love you," he said, softly.
"Once," said Raven bitterly. "And it doesn't matter." She gently rocked back and forth in the rocking chair. "You do not love me now, and you did not love me when she was created. You are no longer a part of my life, Beast Boy." She then laughed softly to herself and said, "You should be happy. This was what you wanted, right?"
Beast Boy watched quietly as Raven rocked back and forth and fed the baby girl. He saw that she had his skin and her hair. She was still tiny and he guessed that she was a newborn. Raven was so gentle with her and he could see her softly smiling as she looked upon her daughter. Their daughter. That thought sent a mixture of emotions through him.
He looked upon Raven and saw a young, mature woman. And a loving and dedicated mother. She had grown up, and Beast Boy admired that. Terra was still immature and young in his eyes. She liked to go out and have fun, to party and live life to the fullest. That was just the type of person she was. But Beast Boy wanted more. Nearly a year after the night with Raven, their relationship was still in the same place. It just didn't feel all that serious to Beast Boy.
And he had proposed to her despite all of that. Despite that he was still deeply in love with Raven and Terra could never be who he wanted her to be, he proposed to her. To see if he could push them into moving their relationship to the next level. To see if he could push Raven out of his mind.
Was this really what he wanted? Did he want to be stuck in a dead end relationship with an immature girlfriend, pardon, fiancé that he knew would never really grow up? Did he want Raven to be completely out of his life and to keep him away from his daughter that he hadn't even known about? Did he really want all of this?
"Raven… I don't want to go," he said softly.
"I'm sorry, Beast Boy," she said, not looking up from her daughter. "But I don't want you to stay," she said firmly.
And that was that. Beast Boy could feel that she no longer loved him, at least not like she used to. She had no need of him. And she was right. This baby, this little girl, would never be his. Sure, he could fight for her, go to court and try to get custody, but what was the point? Raven was right, she had her own life and he had his own life. And Myrna was all Raven had now, and she was all she wanted. He could at least give her that, if nothing else.
"Well… goodbye Raven," he said softly. He looked at the love of his life one last time then turned and softly walked out of the apartment. Raven didn't even notice his exit. She was too absorbed in her feeding daughter.
He slowly made his way back to the tower. His mind was racing with a million thoughts and he felt very depressed. He went over every decision he had ever made concerning Raven and he was second guessing each and every one of them.
He entered the tower and was quickly greeted by his fiancé, who gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Hey, where's the tofu?" she asked.
"Huh?" he asked.
"You said you were going to get tofu," said Terra.
"Oh, right, uh, they were out," said Beast Boy.
"The store was out of tofu?" asked Terra.
"Yeah, the shipment isn't coming in until tomorrow," he lied.
"Well, I found some in the fridge," said Terra.
"Oh, good," he said, acting happy as a way to cover up how distressed he was.
Later that evening the two were sitting on the couch. Robin and Starfire were out at a movie and Cyborg was in his room charging up. Beast Boy's arm was wrapped around Terra and she was cuddled up to him, smiling. She kept looking at her engagement ring, admiring how big and sparkly it was.
"I can't believe we're gonna get married someday," said Terra.
"Yeah," said Beast Boy, not exactly enthusiastic about the subject. "So, do you have any dates in mind?"
"No," said Terra, shrugging. "I figure we can be like one of those couples that stays engaged for like ten years and then we'll get married."
"Oh," said Beast Boy, who hadn't planned on doing that at all.
"Come on, B," she said playfully. "You can't expect us to get married any time soon, right? I mean, we're still young. There's still so much stuff we haven't done yet."
"Just because we're married doesn't mean we can't do things anymore," said Beast Boy.
"I know, but it's so… final," said Terra. "Besides, being engaged is good enough for you, right?"
Beast Boy nodded to please her, but in truth that was the last thing he wanted. Even being engaged didn't seem to move their relationship any further. This was all so frustrating. He decided that if they were talking about marriage he might as well ask her other subjects dealing with long term relationships.
"Terra, how do you feel about children?" he asked.
"Ugh, I can't stand them," said Terra, scrunching her nose.
"Well, would you feel that way about your own children?" he asked.
"My own children?" she laughed. "Beast Boy, I'm not gonna have any kids."
"What? Why not?" he asked.
"Eh, I'm not the mother type," said Terra. "Besides, kids are annoying. Especially babies. No, I don't want anything to do with children."
"Oh," said Beast Boy. "So, I guess we're not gonna have any."
"Nope," said Terra, snuggling closer to him. "Besides, why would you want to have kids anyway? They're loud and selfish and hyperactive…"
"Kinda like you," Beast Boy said under his breath.
"What?" she asked.
"Nothing," he sighed.
"Anyway, we've got each other," she said, hugging him. "What more could you want?"
Beast Boy knew very well what he wanted. He wanted to hold his daughter. He wanted to be there for her and protect her. He could feel that's what his instincts were telling him to do. Everything inside of him was telling him that he was in the wrong place. But he couldn't leave. Raven didn't want him and if Terra found out she'd never forgive him. He was quite stuck.
"But, don't you think that maybe in a few years you'll change your mind?" he asked.
"No," said Terra simply.
"Well, what if you get pregnant accidentally?" asked Beast Boy.
"Trust me, I've thought of all of that," said Terra. "In fact, I've been meaning to have this conversation with you. Would you get snipped?"
"Excuse me?" asked Beast Boy.
"You know, get a, whatcha call it… vasmecdomy?" she said.
"You want me to get a vasectomy?!" he jumped.
"Yeah, you know, that way we don't have any 'accidents'," said Terra.
"Terra, I'm absolutely not getting a vasectomy," he said firmly.
She sighed and said, "Fine, I'll go get my tubes tied, then. I just figured that you could get a vasectomy because it's easier and safer. If I get my tubes tied it's like a real surgery. Don't you think that you could just get snipped?"
Beast Boy couldn't believe this conversation they were having. "I…I need to think," he said and quickly stood up and ran out of there, leaving Terra alone on the couch.
He closed the door to his room and began pacing around. In one day everything in his life seemed to be turned upside down. But, it had not all happened at once. It had taken years for things to become the way they were. And it was all because of the decisions he had made in his life. He had caused for all of this to happen, no one else. But he didn't want this anymore. He wanted to go back and change what he did.
He now saw that Terra would never be able to give him what he wanted. An actual serious relationship. He was sick of being a cute couple that hung out together. Even Robin and Starfire were more serious than he and Terra were. They had planned out their entire future together, since Robin was so organized, and they knew exactly what they were going to do and when they were going to do it.
Terra wanted to see the world and attempt to do everything there was to do in it. Beast Boy wanted to settle down. He was sick of traveling the world and he was tired of doing new things every single day. For years he had wanted to have a real home and a real family, like he had had when he was very young. And this was why their relationship couldn't progress. They both wanted completely different things.
And then there was Raven. His relationship with her had never been like this. Granted, it had been shaky at first, but that was only because they had to break down the walls that had always kept them apart. Once that was done they fit together like a two piece puzzle. She would have done anything for him and he would have done anything for her. It was never a one way relationship. If they ever disagreed they always came to a compromise so that they were both happy.
And why had he left her again? Oh yeah, because Terra had returned and she was his first love. He had always put Terra on a pedestal. He thought her to be a great hero and an even better friend. He had always been attracted to her and he was sure she was attracted to him. There was no work involved with loving Terra. It was just easy. Maybe that was why he had chosen to leave Raven and go with Terra. Raven expected him to hold up his end of the relationship, to actually put an effort into it. Terra was just happy to be with him and do whatever.
Now he wanted Terra to actually hold up her end of the relationship and put an effort into it. But it was clear she had no interest in putting any work into being a girlfriend. He had to accept her the way she was, just as she had accepted him. Sure, she agreed to marry him, but like she had said, she wasn't planning on actually getting married for a few years.
So what should he do now? Accept that Terra never wanted to grow up and wanted to have fun forever? Accept that she didn't want to have children and possibly never get married, since she wasn't all that thrilled about the idea? Accept that the only child he would ever have he would never know? Accept that he had ruined his only chance of being with a Raven who would give him everything he wanted and all she asked in return was his love?
No. No, he couldn't accept that. He had to make everything right. He had to correct his mistakes. He had to rethink his life and his decisions, just as Raven had told him. And he decided that he had to see Raven again. He had to speak to her. He couldn't accept that she didn't love him anymore. He refused to. He was still in love with her and he knew that deep down she must have still loved him.
He jumped out his window, turned into a hawk, and flew into the city. He made it to Ravens apartment and changed back. He quickly ran up to her apartment and knocked on her door. He waited a few seconds and noticed how fast his heart was racing and how out of breath he was.
"Who is it?" she asked, sounding tired.
"It's Beast Boy," he said. "Please, can I come in?"
He heard her sigh and unlock the door. It opened and she asked, "What do you want?" She looked like she had been asleep and was wearing a nightgown.
"I need to talk to you," he said.
She groaned and stepped aside, opening the door a little wider. "Well, come in then," she said. He entered and she closed the door behind him.
"Gee, I didn't wake you up, did I?" he asked.
"Yes, you did actually," she said, going into her kitchen and putting her teakettle on for tea. "I have to feed Myrna every three hours, so I don't get much sleep. And she tends to get fussy at night. I was trying to take a nap before I have to feed her again."
"Well, sorry for waking you," he said.
"It doesn't matter," she shrugged, turning the heat on under the kettle. "Now what did you want to talk about?"
"Oh, uh, I sorta wanted to talk to you about… us," he said.
"Well, I'd rather not," said Raven, running her fingers through her messy hair. "The last time you started off a conversation this way you left me for another woman. I can't even imagine what's going to happen this time. Let me guess, I've been a great mother, one of the best, but you want Terra to be my daughter's mother so that you can have her and leave me all alone with nothing in the world. I'm sure that would complete your perfect life."
"Raven, I could never do something like that to you," said Beast Boy, seeing how bitter she was because of him. "I would never take your… our daughter away from you."
"No, she's my daughter," she corrected him. "Not our daughter."
"But, she is, Raven," said Beast Boy. "As much as you don't want me to be, I'm her father."
"Beast Boy, did you really come over here to fight for my baby?" she asked, glaring at him.
He sighed and said, "No, not exactly."
"Good, because you're not going to get her," she said firmly. "She's all I have, don't you understand that? You've taken everything else away from me; let me at least keep her."
"Raven, I can't tell you how sorry I am for all I've put you through," said Beast Boy. "And I came over here to ask you if… if you really don't love me anymore."
"I never said that I didn't love you anymore," she said, getting a cup out for her tea. "I said that you were no longer a part of my life."
"So… you do love me," he said.
"Of course I do," she said, rolling her eyes. "That's not something that will ever go away, no matter how much you hurt me."
"Well, for what it's worth, I'm not gonna hurt you anymore," said Beast Boy. "I never wanted to hurt you in the first place. And… and I never should have left you for Terra."
"Wow, tell me something I didn't know," said Raven as she tended to her whistling kettle.
"Doesn't the fact that I just admitted that I was wrong mean anything to you?" asked Beast Boy.
"No," she said, pouring the hot tea into her cup. "Tea?"
"Uh, sure," said Beast Boy.
Raven grabbed another cup and filled it for him, making sure to put lots of sugar into it, for that's how he liked it. "Now, why did you come here?" she asked, handing him his tea.
"Because I've realized that I've made a lot of mistakes over the years," he said, looking into the tea. "The first being that I left you for Terra."
"What? Is she not all that you thought her to be?" asked Raven, nursing her own cup.
"She's exactly the same as she was all those years ago when we first met her," said Beast Boy. "And that's the problem. She doesn't want to grow up, and I can't make her."
"She sounds like you," said Raven, smiling softly.
"Well, the thing is, I have grown up," said Beast Boy. "I mean, sure, a few years ago Terra would be the perfect girlfriend for me. Fun, high spirited, and cute. But I want something more now, and she doesn't. This is as far as she wants to go."
"That can't be true," said Raven. "Why else would she be marrying you?"
"She doesn't want to get married for a few years," said Beast Boy. "And she doesn't want children. She just wants to have fun and live life with no responsibilities."
"And you're saying that you want responsibility?" she laughed. "Who are you and what have you done with Beast Boy?"
"Please don't make jokes," he sighed.
"Wow, the tables certainly have turned," said Raven, sipping her tea again. "You're being serious and I'm making jokes." Suddenly a soft cry filled the quiet air. "Excuse me," she said, putting her tea down and heading off to take care of her daughter.
She went into the nursery and gingerly picked up the little girl and placed her on her chest, hushing her and rocking her back and forth. "Shh, it's okay, I'm here," she said soothingly. Slowly the babe's cries ceased and she found comfort in her mother.
Beast Boy watched from the doorway of the nursery. It was so odd to see Raven like this. And yet, at the same time, it looked natural. She was still Raven, but she was a mother now, and that gave her a certain glow.
"She's so small," was all Beast Boy could say.
"She should be," said Raven, continuing to sway back and forth. "She's only thirteen days old."
"So, you had her two weeks ago?" he asked.
"Look at that, you can do math," said Raven, moving past him and back into the kitchen area.
"Is she hungry?" he asked curiously. "Is that why she's crying?"
"No, I don't have to feed her for another hour," said Raven, taking her tea cup with a free hand and sipping it. "She's just not a very good sleeper, that's all."
"Can… can I hold her?" he asked hesitantly.
"No," said Raven plainly.
"Why not?" he asked. "I promise I won't drop her."
"That's not why you can't hold her," said Raven. "I don't want you to get attached to her. I didn't even want you to know about her."
Beast Boy looked longingly at the baby girl, who was now sound asleep against her mother. How he wanted to reach out and touch her. It just didn't seem like she could really be his. That this baby was his own flesh and blood. But no one else in the world had green skin. Now it was only he and she. She was his daughter, of that there was no doubt.
"Raven, would you take me back?" he asked.
"Excuse me?" she asked.
"Would you, I mean, if you could, would you take me back?" he asked.
"Now why would you ask me something like that?" she asked, upset. "Come to play with my heart a little more? Well I won't stand here while you mock my pain, so get out!"
"Raven, I'm serious!" he said. "Now just answer my question. If you could take me back, would you?"
Raven stood, silent. She continued to sway back and forth with the baby fast asleep on her chest. She really wished he would leave. She was sick of him, she really was. But, she could not deny her heart.
"I suppose I would," she said softly. "Though I'm sure I'd quickly regret it. So my answer is no."
"No?" he repeated.
"That's right, no," she said, heading back towards the nursery. "Not that you would ever want to be with me again anyway."
"But I do want to be with you again!" he said, following her.
"Go home, Beast Boy," she said as she lay her daughter down in her bassinet.
"Don't you hear what I'm saying?" he said.
"Lower your voice," she hissed, not wanting the child to wake up again. "And, yes, I heard what you said." She walked out of the nursery and closed the door so that their talking couldn't wake the baby.
"Raven, I realize what I've done and I'm sorry," said Beast Boy. "I don't want to be with Terra anymore. I want to be with you."
"Oh well," she said, taking her now cold cup of tea and dumping it in the sink so she could refill it. "You can't always get what you want."
"I know, but I want to give you what you want," he said.
"Right now, what I want is for you to leave," she said, pouring a fresh cup of tea.
"No, you don't," he said. "You want me to stay, you just want me to leave because you're afraid that I'll break your heart again. Well I won't, I promise."
"Beast Boy, why do you want to be with me?" she said as more of a statement than a question. "Because I can give you what Terra can't. But what would happen if she turned around and decided to give you everything you wanted? What if she showed up and said that she wanted to marry you tonight and have a baby as soon as possible? You would go right back to her, because she would finally be perfect. I will not be a replacement for her again. Not now, not ever."
"Raven, how many times do I have to tell you, you were never a replacement!" he said. "My relationship with you and my relationship with Terra are completely different in every way."
"But, you must admit, if she did tell you that she wanted all the things you wanted you wouldn't be here right now, would you?" she said. "I'm sorry, Beast Boy, but like you said, it wasn't meant to be. You made your bed, now sleep in it."
"No, it was meant to be," said Beast Boy. "And I wouldn't leave you for her. Because I know what she truly wants, and I would never force her into doing something she doesn't want. If she came to me and said she wanted everything I want I would know that she was only saying it because she doesn't want me to leave her. I've been with her for two years and even after becoming engaged our relationship hasn't changed at all."
"Then go to a counselor, seek professional help," said Raven, who was very tired and still wanted to nap before feeding Myrna again. "I'm not going to be your cure for a boring relationship."
"Raven, why can't you see that I genuinely want to be with you again?" he asked.
"Because I have a funny feeling that if not for hearing Myrna cry today you wouldn't have come back," said Raven. "You would have gone back to the tower with Terra and not seen or heard from me again for probably another year. But I can assure you that by then we would have been long gone."
"You would have moved away?" he asked. "Just so I wouldn't see her?"
"Yes," said Raven. "Once she was a little older I was going to ask to be stationed somewhere else. But, even though you know about her, I think I'm going to move anyway. Just to make sure you don't bother her or I."
"Alright, I admit that if I hadn't heard Myrna I wouldn't have come back," said Beast Boy. "But I can tell you from my heart that every day now I've been rethinking everything I've done in my life. I'm not happy and I haven't been for some time now. I hadn't seen you in so long I was worried about you. That's why I dragged Terra over here today, so I could see you."
Raven remembered Terra saying something about how he had been worried about her. So that must have been true. And did he say he dragged Terra? Had he really wanted to see her that badly?
"And when I did see you it didn't help at all," said Beast Boy. "You looked tired and drained, which I now know is because you have an infant, and then when Terra mentioned that we were engaged you looked as if I had broke your heart all over again. If it were up to me I would have stayed with you all day to catch up. I've missed you so much in every possible way."
"Why did you bring Terra at all?" asked Raven, her voice slightly softening.
"She won't let me do anything without her," he sighed. "She may be a poor excuse for a girlfriend, but she sure is clingy."
"What do you mean she's a poor excuse for a girlfriend?" asked Raven, sitting down at her table.
"Well, she was basically the opposite of you," said Beast Boy, chuckling slightly. "It's always about what she wants and whenever we have a fight I'm the one who has to cave in. She hasn't really done anything for me, even though I've done everything for her. The fact is, we've always been too much alike. But I've changed and she hasn't. So it's kinda like I'm seeing what I used to be like. And, dude, you gotta be the best girlfriend ever to put up with me."
Raven let out a soft laugh and a small smile. It seemed like forever since he had heard or seen either. She had the sweetest laugh and the prettiest smile. She only used them on special occasions, which was why they were so special and to hear or see either was such a big compliment.
"I'm not going to say it was a piece of cake," said Raven. "But I would have done anything for you and I think I did. You have to actually put work and effort into a relationship for it to work. There's no such thing as a perfect couple where neither has to do any work to be happy together. And if such a couple exists, they won't last more than a few months."
"Well, you're right about that," said Beast Boy. "And I want you to know that I would rather spend every day working on you and I then spending every day with Terra where I don't do anything and my life never progresses. So, please, will you take me back?"
"It's not that simple," said Raven, looking down. "How do I know that you won't leave me again? How do I know that this is really what you want? There're so many reasons I should never speak to you again, let alone let you back in my life."
"I know," said Beast Boy. "All I'm asking is for you to give me another chance. To let me show you how much I love you, how much I've always loved you."
"You haven't always loved me," said Raven, rolling her eyes. "We didn't even get along when we were young."
"Alright, let me show you how much I've loved you since the first time I asked you out," said Beast Boy. "Even if it did take you three weeks to say yes."
"Oh, like I was going to just say yes," said Raven. "I hadn't even known you'd liked me until you asked me out. I had a lot to think about."
"Yeah, that's what you said as I recall," said Beast Boy.
It grew a quiet between them. Raven placed her cup of tea on the table, since this one had grown cold as well. Beast Boy had never actually touched his. Raven wasn't sure what to do now. She had always wished he would come back to her, to say that he was wrong and that he would never leave her. But it was all too good to be true. She would never be rid of the feeling of doubt she had. And she wasn't sure what it would take to convince her that he was hers at last.
Once again, a cry broke the silence. She sighed and stood up. "Duty calls," she said tiredly. She wasn't surprised when she heard Beast Boy stand up and follow her.
She went into the nursery and again picked her daughter up. She figured she could feed her now, if she was hungry. She decided that this time she would sit out on her couch. The rocking chair was a bit stiff for her tired and aching body. She shooed Beast Boy out of the room so she could exit. She went to her little living room area and sat down.
"So she eats every three hours?" he asked.
"Yes," she sighed as she removed her breast from her nightgown that was specially made for this. Myrna's cries stopped as soon as she tasted her mother's sweet milk and began to feed to her heart's content.
Beast Boy sat down close to Raven so he could watch. He had never gotten to see his daughter this close before. He could already see that she had Raven's lips and his nose. Her little head was very round, just as his head was said to be. He hoped Raven hadn't had too much trouble giving birth to her.
Slowly, very cautiously, he moved his hand towards one of Myrna's. He was afraid that Raven was going to yell at him. He looked to her every few seconds, then would inch a little further. Finally he had reached her little hand and let her tiny fingers wrap around one of his own. He immediately looked to Raven, who just smiled softly. She was allowing him to make contact with his daughter… their daughter.
And what a strange feeling it was. Her little fingers were so soft and it made Beast Boy smile widely. She was a cute little thing. He wondered if he could push it and ask if that when she was done he could hold her. But he would wait to see how Raven was feeling about him touching her at all.
"Isn't she amazing?" she said softly.
"Yeah," he said, smiling. "Does she, you know, have any powers?"
"Not yet," said Raven. "She's still too young for either of our powers to work. She doesn't know what animals are yet and my powers won't come until she's about five."
"So she's gonna be an actual normal baby for a little while?" he said.
"One can only hope," said Raven, settling into the couch as Myrna drained her.
It grew quiet again and all that could be heard was the sound of Myrna drinking. Beast Boy felt like he was hypnotized by the little girl, she was so sweet and little as she ate. And Raven looked completely at peace as she held her daughter in her arms. She had never looked comfortable with children, even after having to take care of Melvin and her gang all those years ago. But with this baby she looked… complete.
"Raven?" he asked.
"Yes?" she answered, her eyes closed and her head relaxing on the back of the couch.
"Are you happy?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well, are you happy with your life?" he asked.
"I suppose I am," said Raven. "But, I'm not really sure." Myrna was done and Raven tucked her breast away. She gently laid the baby on her shoulder and began to pat and rub her back. "Why do you ask?"
"I just want you to be happy," said Beast Boy. "And if that means leaving you and our… your daughter alone, then that's what I'll do."
Raven pursed her lips and thought deeply, continuing to pat Myrna's back. "I… I don't think that'll make me happy," she said softly.
"Then what'll make you happy?" he asked.
"I guess… to hear you say… that you love me again," she said, her head bowing and a tear dripping down her cheek.
"Well, I can't say that I love you again," said Beast Boy. Ravens eyes closed and she felt a sob well up in her throat. Beast Boy then leaned in very close to her and said softly, "Because I never stopped loving you." Ravens eyes shot open and she vulnerably turned to Beast Boy. He softly took her cheek in his hand and said, "And I don't think I could ever stop loving you. Terra might have been my first love, but you're the love of my life." He then leaned in and gave her a soft kiss.
Raven looked at him with wide tear filled eyes. "Do… do you really mean that?" she asked.
"With all of my heart," he said.
Raven bit her bottom lip and remained quiet for a few moments. "Beast Boy?" she said at last.
"Yes?" he asked.
"Do… do you want to hold your daughter?" asked Raven with a soft smile.
(And No Flames Allowed)