Dear Harry Potter,
It has occurred to me lately that we rarely talk anymore. It is in my best interest to check up on my arch-nemesis seeing as how we could no longer be enemies if you were to be seriously hurt while staying with the muggle filth that is supposed to be your "family". After all, I do enjoy torturing a completely healthy person. It gives one more pleasure knowing that no one else has ever hurt the target. It's even more fun to try torturing you when you are completely helpless without your wand. You should try it sometime. Maybe someday soon, you would consider betraying that muggle-loving fool, Dumbledore.
When this thought came to me during a Death Eater meeting, I was suddenly struck with the urge to see your charming young face that fills with utter hatred every time you set eyes upon me. Ah, the amusement I find in one so young such as yourself is great beyond words. And while I was at it, I was bored with torturing Bella and Lucius so I thought I might drop in some time and perhaps we could have little duel (with me as the winner of course!). After thinking this through, I became bored again decided to try out a new hobby that I had recently read about – poetry! Here is a little something that I composed all by myself for you!
H is for headstrong, a stubborn opponent.
A is for awkward, young and full of life.
R is for royal, a major pain.
R is for riled, you often are.
Y is for yellow, refusing to die.
Well, there it goes. Not bad for a first attempt and an evil dark lord that wants to rule the universe, eh? Anyway, I really want to hear from you. It's been a while and I do believe we're due to have a battle and torture session real soon. I hope you will consider joining the dark side seeing as how it really is the only way for you to keep your miserable life. Send your reply back by owl of course. I cannot be bothered with the petty muggle contraptions of the post office thingy.
Wishing you the greatest ill and wanting to torture you again,
The Dark Lord,
Ha ha! Your letter was so funny I forgot to laugh! And by the way, forget it! I would never join your side. I am not as corrupt as you are. And what do you take me for, and idiot? I am not willing to sacrifice my life by giving you permission to torture me to death. There is no way in hell that I would ever think about trying to torture someone. Well...I might consider torturing one of your death eaters but of course, they also deserve it. I am considerably glad that you have decided to confide in me.
I have some confiding of my own to do. Here goes! Voldemort! What were you thinking? We're in England yet your anagram is French! What kind've evil dark lord are you anyway? Flight of death? You may act all rough and tough on the outside, but on the inside you're nothing but a great big teddy bear. Warm and fuzzy and not very intimidating at all. Why, I bet you couldn't even kill a housefly! And by the way, I took the liberty of writing my own poem for you. Here it is.
V is for victory, I'm going to win.
O is for old, that's diffinately you.
L is for lazy, your followers do the work.
D is for dead, I wish you were.
E is for epiphany, you should have one.
M is for morbid, you torture too much.
O is for ornery, take a chill pill.
R is for rusty, can't you die?
T is for Tom, the name you can't escape.
Well Voldemort, it appears that you are not the only poet in London. I will sum this up now. I have to kill you and I wish you lots of ill. Once again, I'd like to remind you that I will never join you in your quest for world domination. I have just one favor to ask of you. Please come and kill the rest of my family for me. The Dursley's are the biggest bunch of muggle filth that I have ever had the unpleasantness of meeting and wish I had never been born in their "family". Anyway, I still want you dead.
The Chosen One,