Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation or its characters. I do not make any profit from this text.
Summary: "How do you stop your feelings?" Tohma wonders as he considers his role as Eiri's caretaker during their time in NYC and after.Oneshot
In a rare display of anger, Tohma forcefully threw the newspaper into the trashcan. He stood there glaring at it before sitting back down into his expensive leather chair. He reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose, letting the chair tilt back. He had been reading a story about a caretaker who had abused her charge, another sensational headline decrying the horror of adults who prey on those in their care. He sighed trying to will the memories away. He didn't want to compare himself to those types of people. After all, he hadn't ever acted on his feelings, so no one had been hurt. One thing had always eluded him…
How do you stop your feelings?
Tohma could see young Eiri in his minds eye. The shy 13 year old had been so excited to escape his family, to escape the oppressive atmosphere of his father's sense of duty and his classmates constant jibes. He had practically danced down the streets as he reveled in being free for the first time. Tohma had been shocked to discover, after they had lived together in New York City for a few weeks, that Eiri didn't know how to do anything for himself. Mika, being the proper daughter and mother figure, had done everything to keep their bustling household going. She had cooked, cleaned, washed, and handled the budget. Eiri was wholly unprepared for his and Tohma's bachelor lifestyle.
Tohma had initially considered hiring a maid, it would have been easier than letting Eiri ruin a load of his expensive shirts and eating burned food, but that hadn't seemed like the right answer. Tohma had to take care of himself from a young age; he had always been self sufficient so he knew that teaching Eiri those skills would be invaluable for him as he grew older. So Tohma spent his nights and weekends schooling Eiri in how to wash clothes and fold them so that they didn't wrinkle. He began teaching him how to cook simple Japanese dishes, and then his tutor began showing Eiri how to make simple American dishes too. Eiri loved Italian pasta, and was thrilled when he figured out how easy it was to make a pot of spaghetti. Their life had seemed so good then.
Tohma had been the perfect brother to Eiri, affectionately hugging him or ruffling his hair, but never inappropriately. Eiri had blossomed under his attention, becoming sure of himself, gaining confidence in interacting with others. Eiri took to his chores, telling Tohma that he enjoyed helping out his 'brother', and that he finally felt as if he belonged.
Eiri had been living with Tohma for over a year and a half when the first incident happened. Tohma had been helping Eiri put sheets on his bed, when he noticed the stain on them. Eiri had rushed to try to hide it, brushing it off as being unused to Tohma assisting with the household chores. Yet, Tohma knew the truth of what he had seen.
The caretaker had been unable to stop watching Eiri the rest of the night. He was fascinated by the adult mannerisms the boy was picking up, how he emulated Tohma and Kitazawa in his speech and carriage. He couldn't take his eyes off how his chopsticks sensuously caressed his lips as he ate his pork fried rice that night. He couldn't even stop himself from leaning across the table to wipe a stray piece of rice from Eiri's cheek, marveling at the bit of fuzz he felt there. Tohma tried discretely to slip into the bath with Eiri, but the teen had been shy. Tohma's curiosity was burning to know if Eiri had grown any hair down there as well.
Eiri was growing up, he was becoming a man.
Tohma lay in bed, wondering how he had missed it up until now. His precious little Eiri was becoming a man! He had always told himself that the attraction he felt for Eiri was just a simple extension of his love for Mika, and his worry over her family. Yet, as he felt his arousal straining against his silk sleep pants he couldn't deny that there was more to it than just simple familial love. He shifted around in bed, trying to get his erection to subside. But he kept seeing that stain on the sheets, Eiri's embarrassed flush, then his long legs in the shower. Eiri had experienced a growth spurt recently and his legs had begun to fill out nicely. He was already almost taller than Tohma, he'd be quite tall once he finished growing. Eiri really was becoming an adult. Maybe that would make it ok for Tohma to have these less than brotherly thoughts. Or at least that's how Tohma tried to rationalize it to himself.
Tohma finally snaked his hand into his pants and quickly jerked himself off. He was disgusted at his lack of self-control, yet that didn't stop him from having to bite his pillow to muffle the cries as he came. He tried to tell himself it'd be only this one time as he threw away his tissue and got back into bed. He tried to stop the images of his young charge from flashing through his thoughts as he concentrated on willing himself into a dreamless sleep.
Yet, after that night, Tohma looked at Eiri differently. It was hard to know if Eiri noticed it. He did seem more and more reluctant to share the bath, but that also could have been due to his sensei's influence who had been horrified when he found out Eiri and Tohma bathed together. Eiri was trying to be American, and American men did not bathe with other men.
Tohma rocked his chair forward letting his elbows come to rest on the desk. He laid his head in his hands as the memories continued to wash over him. He gave into the flow, allowing himself to relive a handful of pivotal moments he had shared with the teen.
Tohma had nearly choked on his miso soup one morning a few months later when Eiri emerged from his room wearing his shorts from last summer. They were skin tight, molding themselves to his pert bottom and cock. Tohma quickly turned his head to keep himself from ogling his charge. Eiri had just laughed at him, not understanding what had caused the reaction and commented that they needed to go shopping for some new clothes.
Eiri had said "Do you want me to go with Kitazawa-sensei?"
Tohma had whipped back around at those words. "Absolutely not, I will take you shopping tomorrow after work. "
Eiri had simply shrugged and walked back into his room to change. Tohma had let his eyes follow the youth's luscious bottom, vowing that Eiri would not go with Kitazawa. Tohma couldn't stand the thought of another person watching his beautiful Eiri undressing and trying on clothes. He would reserve that pleasure for himself alone.
That night Tohma had more to fantasize about, seeing how well developed Eiri's privates had become; he predicted that he'd be quite impressive once the teen was done growing. He no longer worried about the right and wrong of his fantasies, he was enthralled. After a particularly satisfying orgasm Tohma found himself wide awake instead of drowsy as was the norm. He finally got up, hoping that a glass of water and trip to the bathroom would settle him down. He paused when he heard a noise as he passed Eiri's door.
Tohma knew he shouldn't look, that he should keep on walking and ignore the sounds. The soft panting and urgent squeaks of the bed clearly indicated what was going on. Yet he couldn't help himself.
He had to look.
Tohma was thankful that Eiri never fully closed his door as he stepped up to it, lightly bracing himself against the door jam so he could peek into the room. There was his Eiri, face glistening with sweat as he lay on his back, hands wrapped around his already impressive cock, pumping furiously. Eiri didn't let any words slip to indicate what he was fantasizing about, but there was an American porno magazine open to two girls with huge breasts so perhaps he was further indulging in his fantasizes of being an American man.
Tohma's cock immediately sprung to life at the sight, and he had to clutch at his pajama top to keep from touching himself. Despite his fantasies, he knew he couldn't rationalize performing that vulgar act right here outside the boy's door. Yet, Tohma did stay to watch. He couldn't tear his eyes from Eiri, even after the short five minute show was over.
Eiri had sped up his movements, roughly pulling on his cock as he strained up into his hands. He had closed his eyes at the last moment and turned his face into his pillow to try to muffle his sounds, giving Tohma a perfect view of him.
The look on Eiri's face as he came, it burned itself into Tohma's mind.
Tohma quickly walked on to the bathroom to take a shower, remembering in vivid detail all he had seen. That image fueled fantasies of what it would be like to have him make that face because Tohma's lips were on his cock, or because Tohma was buried inside of him. Tohma had turned the water to cold after that, yet he knew no amount of jerking off would sustain him after seeing such an amazing sight. He had laid in bed, his cock still rock hard, until he finally fell into a fitful sleep.
Even now, Tohma's cock was erect at the memory. His precious Eiri had been so innocent then, his first forays into sexual pleasure, and here he had been privy to it. He still felt blessed, he was perhaps the only person who had seen that side of him. Tohma let his hands fall to his sides as he leaned back in his chair, refusing to touch himself over the memory.
After that glimpse of Eiri's budding sexuality, it took all of his will to keep his hands off the teen. He still let his hugs linger, letting his own crotch brush against Eiri's growing legs. He rubbed Eiri's back and shoulders more than was necessary. He was willing to do whatever it would take for a few more moments contact as long as Eiri wouldn't get suspicious. Tohma was going crazy for Eiri. He briefly considered going back home, so that he would have Mika back and maybe he could forget these indecent desires. Yet he knew he couldn't leave Eiri, so his next plan had been to take a mistress or rent-boy, but he had never been one who was all that attracted to sex without emotion.
During Tohma's madness Eiri continued to grow and mature. His newfound interest in other people particularly bothered Tohma. He had Eiri almost exclusively to himself before, and now that Eiri wanted him to share, it hurt. The doorman suddenly was Eiri's friend, as was one of the librarians where Eiri and his tutor went to study. And Kitazawa, Tohma wondered if Eiri was developing a crush. Suddenly all Eiri talked about was Sensei this and Sensei that. Tohma practically ground his teeth at the supper table to keep from saying some biting comment. He saw that Eiri was growing up, and that caused him to pull back even more from Tohma.
Present day Tohma's fist curled at the memory, unconsciously remembering the frustration those months had caused him. He let out another tired sigh as he remembered a darker event.
One day not to far from Eiri's 16th birthday, Tohma had caught him in the hall just after his bath. Tohma snuck up behind Eiri who was only wearing a thin towel about his waist, and wrapped his arms around him. Tohma was in heaven feeling the silky skin of Eiri's chest, letting his face press into his back to smell his clean scent. He had paused holding Eiri tightly, it was too much, so much so he couldn't stop his erection. Before he knew it – it was pressing into Eiri's bottom. Surely he could feel it, with only a thin towel and Tohma's sleep pants between them. Eiri had stiffened, then pulled away, a look of confusion and hurt in his eyes before he bid Tohma goodnight. He went into his room, closing the door completely.
Tohma made himself crazy that night, worrying about what would happen now. Perhaps Eiri would forget everything by morning, maybe he didn't understand exactly what had happened. He tried to ignore that the teen had been locking him out of the bathroom recently, blaming it on Eiri's budding independence. Tohma had stayed in his room, determined not to go peek tonight after what had already happened. He had been lucky enough to catch the teen masturbating quite a few times after that first time, but it seemed like even those sightings were becoming more elusive.
Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you looked at it, Tohma was never able to fulfill his desires with Eiri. It had only been a couple weeks later that Kitazawa had enacted his violence and Eiri had been broken. Tohma had to hurry over these memories, the pain of that incident hadn't dulled with time for him. His guilt, anger, and sadness were still as fresh now as when it happened. He had rushed to get Eiri back into Japan, to seek to protect him from anything bad ever happening again.
Afterwards, Eiri had been terrified of being touched, terrified of men in general. Once he was back home with his family he had been in a near catatonic state. The Uesugi's were unsure how to handle this new Eiri. Mika and Tatsuha had tried to bring him out of his shell, but the best they could manage was to coax him into eating and attempting to sleep. Tohma had not been sure how to help, and after the patriarch had cursed him for ruining his son, he fled back to Tokyo to build his company. He was unable to face Mika's accusing stare or Tatsuha's wounded eyes any longer, much less the dead look on Eiri's face as he sat in his bed all day. Tohma knew he was a coward for not staying, but he wasn't sure if his presence was helping or hurting the situation. Surely the house didn't need any additional tension, and maybe being there would have been a constant reminder to Eiri of the incident.
Tohma knew he could never act on his fantasies now; it would only serve to further traumatize his charge. However, that knowledge didn't stop Tohma from waking up rock hard due to dreams about that face, dreams where he was pounding into Eiri's willing body as the teen called out to him in ecstasy. He would berate himself, disgusted at his thoughts, but still they would come. Despite the horror Kitazawa had brought into their lives, Tohma still pictured Eiri as the caring teen he had fallen for. Eiri had captured his heart, and in some ways he was thankful he was in Tokyo away from watching the self-destructive behaviors. Hearing it second hand from Mika over the phone was bad enough.
While Tohma was gone, something snapped Eiri out of his stupor. He roared back to life like a wild animal. He seemed to make up for his previous inactivity by keeping himself in perpetual motion. He was constantly fighting or fleeing. When not involved in some type of thuggish behavior, he was sleeping with the easy girls who came across his path. Mika was constantly ranting about him, afraid that he'd either kill or be killed before this phase was over. Worst of all, Mika said Tatsuha was there, as always, soaking it up like a sponge, fascinated by his older brother. Tohma had finally agreed to come back to Kyoto. He had to try and help, if for nothing else then he could serve as a role model for Tatsuha. Also, the keyboardist really did need to help Mika plan their long overdue wedding.
Tohma rocked his chair back again, his heart starting to pound as the most searing of memories began to take hold. This was such a conflicting one, where he almost got what he wanted, and yet he discovered it wasn't what he wanted at all. The indecision and pain brought on by this memory nearly brought him to tears. It had all started with that phone call…
Tohma hadn't had a real conversation with Eiri for about two weeks until he received the call. He was still in Kyoto, helping the Uesugi's as best he could. He had only glimpsed Eiri's wiry frame as he darted in and out of the house at odd hours. But here he was, calling at 2am. Eighteen-year-old Eiri's voice shook and his words were a bit slurred as he asked for a ride and a place to stay. Tohma had gotten up and dressed quickly in his hotel room, driving to find the current drug den that Eiri was holed up in. Eiri's appearance was startling, he had a half-healed black eye and a split lip. He moved with an unsteady gait, either from his inebriation or injuries, Tohma wasn't sure.
Eiri uncharacteristically had begged him not to take him home, to let him stay in Tohma's room for the night. Tohma had never been able to refuse him anything, so he drove them back to the hotel, against his better judgment. Despite all the time they had spent apart, Tohma's feelings still burned strong for him. Eiri looked particularly dangerous and seductive in his current rough state. They hadn't talked much, Tohma had asked a few questions but Eiri's monosyllable answers had grown tiresome.
Tohma struggled under Eiri's larger frame as he helped him into the room. He propped the teen up against the wall and began unbuttoning his shirt, looking for any hidden damage. The producer valiantly tried to keep his mind on that task as he let his finger brush against suprisingly soft skin. Eiri reached his hands up to still Tohma's progress and cleared his throat. Once Tohma had looked up, giving his full attention, the teen began to speak.
"You want me, don't you?" Eiri asked, his hard and wounded eyes boring into Tohma's.
Tohma had been totally taken aback. He let his hands go slack as he tried to process the question. All he could do was gape at Eiri.
The blond honed in on this drop in Tohma's defenses and moved so that he was pressing his body against Tohma's before repeating, "You want me…"
Tohma gasped as Eiri slid his knee up his thigh and rubbed against his crotch. Suddenly his charge didn't seem as drunk as he had on the phone. Eiri smirked feeling the keyboardist hard cock through his pants, as he ground his knee into it a little more forcefully.
Tohma let out a moan as he brought his eyes back up to focus on Eiri's, aware of the dangerous situation he was placing himself in. "We can't do this," he weakly whispered.
Eiri grabbed Tohma by the hair, twisting his fingers in it painfully as he pulled him into a brutal kiss. Letting his mouth be invaded by the other man, Tohma's nerveless fingers moved to wrap around the teen's back, to cling to this dangerous and beautiful man. As the keyboardist felt the hard back muscles ripple beneath his fingers, felt the strong hands wrench his neck back farther forcing him to open his mouth and surrender to the blond, Tohma knew that Eiri truly had grown up.
He tasted blood as Eiri's split lip reopened due to the force of the kiss, but strangely it only excited Tohma more. The realization hit him; this Eiri was no longer the shy and loving teen he had once adored. No, he was an angry violent man now.
Eiri let go first, shoving Tohma roughly back away from him as he wiped the salvia and blood from his lips. He fixed the other blond with a cruel stare as he began speaking, his voice hard and tight. "You fucking fairy, you always wanted me. Your lecherous eyes would follow me around. Your pathetic self trying to get into the bath with me so you could accidentally sneak a peak." Eiri spat out on the ground between them, before advancing menacingly towards him. "Standing outside my room to watch me masturbate, you think I couldn't hear your desperate panting? And me, so fucking naïve that I let you watch, ignored your advances, sure that you were just missing Mika, that it would be ok. You're almost as bad as him!" With that declaration, Eiri pulled back and swung wildly at Tohma.
Tohma was barely able to recover himself from the shock to dodge. He couldn't believe what Eiri was saying. So he had known, had known all these years.
Eiri grabbed Tohma's shirt and pulled him close, kissing him mercilessly, not giving Tohma the option of pulling away. Tohma was dazed, 'What the hell was going on?' He wasn't sure if Eiri was trying to seduce him or kill him at this point. He let his hands stay at his sides, ready to block the next angry outburst.
The teen didn't stop his impassioned kisses, his tongue dominating the shorter man as he forced him backwards until his knees hit the bed. Tohma broke the kiss as he fell back, arms pinwheeling as he attempted to catch himself. Eiri let out a cruel bark of laughter before leaning forward, his larger frame towering over Tohma's, his hands pressed down into the bed on either side of the keyboardist.
Tohma was trying to regain his senses after the kissing and the harsh words. He was trying to keep his wits as he realized the dangerous position he was in.
Eiri moved to pin Tohma down completely, lowering his body onto him. "Is this what you wanted? Your precious Eiri in bed with you? To feel my cock against yours?" Eiri threateningly ground his crotch into Tohma's – letting Tohma feel what Eiri had now.
Tohma gasped, amazed at how big it was and ashamed that his own cock was still rock hard despite how roughly he had been treated. He felt it respond to the harsh thrusts as Eiri continued to grind. Tohma stupidly stared up into the teen's eyes.
Eiri's eyes said he was terrified behind the anger and violence he was enacting.
That look knocked him out of his stupor and he began to fight. Tohma pushed against Eiri, trying to escape, even daring to take a swing at his once charge. Eiri viciously fought back, but Tohma could tell he was pulling his punches; he didn't appear to intend to do any real harm to his former caretaker. After struggling for some time together, Tohma managed to knee Eiri in the balls, creating an opportunity from which he was able to escape to the other side of the room.
Tohma stood bent over, hands on the tops of his thighs as he panted, trying to get his breath back. Finally he looked up, through the fringe of his sweat soaked hair and harshly said, "This is not what I want, this has never been what I wanted."
Eiri had been sitting on the floor holding his crotch and nursing his other wounds. He looked up as Tohma began to speak, and he wilted with the words. He let himself slowly fall over, curled up into a fetal position. It was as if his spirit had left him.
Tohma eyed him warily until he heard the muffled sobs and murmurs. He decided it wasn't a trick as he straightened. He debated a moment longer before cautiously approaching the huddled figure.
Tohma knelt down, and only hesitated a moment before letting his hand gently stroke Eiri's hair. Again, he still couldn't deny him anything, not when he sounded so broken and lost. Perhaps the boy that he loved was still in there somewhere. Tohma leaned in close, trying to hear what he was whispering.
"Not anymore… not even him anymore…" appeared to be the broken words Eiri was repeating. After Tohma had gently allowed his forehead to rest against Eiri's temple, the teen stirred. He turned his head, keeping contact with Tohma so that they were now touching foreheads, intimately facing one another. Eiri wore the most bereft expression. "You don't even want me anymore. Before you wanted me, yet now… Tell me, has he destroyed even your love and desire for me?"
A piece of Tohma's heart, of his very soul died in that moment. Seeing the tortured soul in front of him, all he could do was wrap his arms around Eiri, shifting the grieving man's head onto his shoulder. Tohma began to rock him gently, whispering words of comfort unsure of how to truly respond. Eiri didn't make a sound, but his body shook and Tohma's shirt was damp with tears.
In some ways Kitazawa's actions had caused Tohma to no longer look at Eiri the same way, he no longer allowed himself to indulge in those old fantasies. Yet, with Eiri being the man he was now, did that play into it as well? He was no longer the precocious and desirable teen that bewitched Tohma. He was now a cool beauty, who fought and snarled at all those around him. All Tohma could do was rock him, whispering over and over again that he loved him, that he would always love and protect him.
When morning came, Eiri said he didn't remember anything from the previous night. After a long appraising look he had returned to his normal sullen self. Tohma had been shell shocked from the experience, but he slipped on his carefully crafted mask of politeness. They both went about their day as if nothing had happened, only the bruises on Tohma's body and heart were a testament that the incident had actually occurred.
Even now, he was amazed that he had resisted him. Only because of the fear and the teens drunken and possibly drugged state had kept him from taking advantage of the situation. Tohma slowly eased himself up from his chair, tired from his trip down memory lane. He got his things together to leave, to return home. He knew he wouldn't have been able to resist Eiri's siren song had he ever indicated that he wanted a real relationship. Mika and his family be damned, he was just bewitched by the boy the man used to be.
A/N: This was supposed to be a 'drabble' for Silverone's challenge but it just kept growing longer! After having a blast with Despina and Jadeheart at Yaoi-con and talking Gravi fan fiction I felt all inspired to write something! I never thought I'd write from Tohma's POV, in fact when I emailed Despina that I'd written this and sent it to her, the first comment I got back was, "You didn't make him evil! Wow." heheheh…
Special thanks to Despina for being a wonderful friend/cheerleader/butt kicker, Kinomi for her fabulous grammar skills, and Tsubaki for her views.