Disclaimer: Not mine. Really.
Rating: ...13+ Pairing: Everybody/Everybody Set: On Caprica.
Genre: A. U. Big A. Big U. Very big A. Humor. crack!fic Notes: I was given this prompt by musicforcylons earlier, when I was desperate (after assuring her that, YES, I did want a fic prompt from her or I'd go insane): OK, ummmmm... Helo and Leoben. As Drag Queens. Sharing a dressing room. There are only three heels. Not three pairs, three shoes. Also? They are on the last dregs of fake eyelash glue and it's five minutes till show time.
Please read at your own risk.
Summary: It was much too early in the evening for histrionics, but a visit from Kara Thrace always put Leo off.

The Very Model of a .
by ALC Punk!

It was much too early in the evening for histrionics, but a visit from Kara Thrace always put Leo off (unless she was there for comfort or support). And he was a man who could have hysterics when he was dead, and possibly win a Tony doing it.

"God-damnit, that bitch broke my nail."

"Give it a rest." Helo rolled his eyes. Of the two of them, critics said he was the calmer one. Leoben (never call him that, he prefers Leo, and watch out for the rage if you try his full name) was the more theatrical of the two. All rivers, streams, willing bodies against walls. That was Leo. Helo, well, Helo liked it a little slower. He was a polite boy, like his mama raised him to be (his mama may've raised a fool, though, but don't let Shar-Shar hear you say that).

"Look!" Thrusting a hand in front of Helo's eyes, Leo waggled his fingers. "I can't go out there. I'm ruined."

"Darling." Catching the impudent hand, he shoved it away and grabbed for the definitely shrinking tube of eye-lash glue. "You will go out there, and no one will notice."

"They will!"

"Ladies!" Chief stuck his head in the door and glared. "Five minutes until curtain. Get your asses dressed."

"Curtain!" snapped Leo, waving his mangled nail, "I can't go on, not with this!"

"You can and you will." The door slammed, Chief's final word on the subject. And everyone knew better than to object. Chief was always a bear when Cally was pregnant. This was only her second child, too.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelo, what am I gonna do?"

Rolling his eyes, Helo tossed a pack of nails at his co-star. "Stick it on and shut it."

"Bitch." Leo mumbled, dropping into a chair, finally.

Ignoring him for the moment, Helo finished applying his lashes, then shook the little tube and smirked a bit before tossing it in the trash. Let the little wanker find out about it in a minute. Pre-show jitters always made him fly all over the room with anguish and rage until ten seconds to curtain. And then Leo would seem to flip a switch, and suddenly he'd be her gracious self.

Checking his lips, Helo stood, enjoying the swish of the silk down his stocking-clad legs.

"OH! You bitch, you used all of the glue!" Leo yelped accusingly two seconds later.

Smoothing down his skirt, Helo twisted to eye himself in the mirror, "Your normal ones are good enough. Or there's some sticky stuff with the nails, if you're desperate."

"Not as desperate as you on a Saturday night."

It wasn't particularly a good hit.

"My shoes!" Leo suddenly stuck one foot out and stared at the black spangled monstrosity. "This one doesn't fit right. Oh, God, I'm going to utterly fail. I'm ruined!"

Spotting the one tiny gold button on the side, Helo sighed, "You're wearing one of mine."

"Oh, thank GOD." Shedding the offending shoe, Leo hobbled around, searching through the dressing room for his missing shoe.

Helo stepped into both of his and wriggled his hips to get used to the angle change.

"It's not heere--erre!" Leoben's voice ended on a high note as he whirled and stared at Helo. "What did you do with it? You stole my shoe!"

"Didn't."

"You did!" Dropping with a horrendous sigh into a chair, Leo stuck out one bare of shoe foot, toes wriggling in the fishnet. "How can I go onstage like this? Oh, GOD. I'll be ruined. Ruined!"

Luckily, the door banged open, and Cally stuck her head in, "Two minutes to curtain, ladies."

"Cally, I can't--"

Really, everyone knew better than to say something like "can't" to Cally. Leo's mouth snapped shut as she turned to look at him. "One minute, fifty seconds."

Hastily grabbing his feather boa, Helo headed for the door. "Maybe you can go barefoot. Paint your nails blue." He suggested over his shoulder, craning for one last glance at himself in the mirror.

"How inappropriate." Leo drooped. "I can't do it, Karl. I just can't. My world, it's ruined."

Helo hated being called Karl. He glared at his partner. "Yes you bloody well can, or by the gods, I'll let Cally have you."

"How ungentlemanly." Leo made a moue of affronted sadness.

"You can wear my shoes, I'll go barefoot."

"But I can't! Your feet are half a centimeter wider, I'll swim in them! I'll trip, I'll fall over and be a disgrace, and then what will my mother say?" Grabbing a lipstick, Leoben threw it at the far wall, "I know what that vicious bitch will say, she'll say, 'Leo, you really won't ever amount to a damned thing, after all,'" He hiccupped, possibly shedding a tear that could damage his eye makeup, "'After all, you're just a man!'"

Damn. Helo grabbed the door and stuck his head out, bellowing, "THRACE."

A moment later, still smoking her cigar, Kara arrived. "You bellowed?"

"Fix that." Helo pointed at the despondent Leo. "This is your fault, for breaking his nail earlier."

"He did that himself, trying to hit me." But she almost took her cigar out as she sauntered in. "What's the matter, Leoben, the pressure getting too much for you? Life too short to live in, is that it?"

"I've lost my shoe." Leo said, voice still pathetic.

"Pooor, pooor baby." She caught his chin and tipped his head up. "'Cause if you don't go out there, honey..."

The unnamed threat was more than enough. Leo straightened. "But, my feet..."

"You could paint your nails," Helo suggested, hearing the approaching sound of Cally from the hallway. It was easy to discern, accompanied by curses that was causing his makeup to peel.

"Painted nails... Yes. YES!" Moved to action by the suggestion, Leo grabbed the hot pink polish and set to work.

"NOW, ladies!" Cally barked, yanking open the door and glaring.

"Nails!" Leo yelped, then hurried up his work with the instant-dry polish. Ten seconds later, he sailed out to stand behind the curtain, smelling of varnish.

Helo checked that their boas were both in place, then nodded. Jammer, the best tech geek in the world gave a wave, and people scurried to start the announcements. In front of the curtain, a voice boomed out as Willie started his preamble, "All the way from Delphi City, the toasters with the mostest, the paragons of Picon, the Arabes-ques of Arelon, the Cynosures of Canceron, the Gorgeous Gems of Gemennon, the Trumps of Tauron, the Visigoths of Virgon, the Illustrious Ladies of Leonis, the Scalawags of Scorpion, the Critical Copies of Caprica, the Apotheosses of Aquaria, the Sublime Savage Seraphs of Sagittaron, the Lusty Lads of Libran, I give to you..."

There was a pause as the cheering began, the cat-calls filling the air with an energy that made Helo sweat with anticipation.

"--Leo and Helo, the High Models of Life!"

With applause sounding, the curtain began to rise.

-f-