This fanfic will be my first pokemon one. This is obviously another yaoi...now i know you ppl probably think thats all i'll ever do...but thats not true...i will do an occasional regular coupling...just not with any of my favorite yaoi couples...lol...anyway...this yaoi is Ash (Satoshi) and Gary (Shigeru) please enjoy and read and review...Things are supposed to be a little different. Satoshi has an abusive father...And Shigeru talks about him all the time. It's pretty much some more angst and sad shit...but thats how it goes.((this is only short so my mind doesn't smack me again...but mark me...i will again make a long disclaimer ::evil laugh:: ))

Mind: Sazuko!

Me: DAMMIT! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THIS TIME!

Chapter1: What Do You Really Want?

I was looking up at the sky from where I laid on the roof of the Pokemon Center. I sighed heavily as I thought about my meeting with Shigeru today... I swallowed at the lump that had formed in my thoat. How could Shigeru be so mean to me...I had never done anything to him...all I only wanted was to be his friend... And now he was gone...leaving on another journey...he wouldn't be back for another few weeks...'Well, I really want to more than just his friend.' I smiled slightly at the thought of how Shigeru made me feel. He always made me feel safe and secure. I sighed again and looked over to my side... I remembered when me and Shigeru were friends...we were so young...

We did everything together. I had been new..and was attacked by some of the neighbor hood kids... Then when I thought that I would get hurt and no one would save me...Shigeru showed up and frightened the other kids away. I new then that I would forever be grateful to him..and I hoped that soon we would be friends..oh, we were friends...but...once we had started going to school Shigeru had started hanging out with a different crowed.

He seemed to forget all about me. We talked a little bit...but one day Shigeru came up and brutally made fun of me. Talking about things only I had told him...like my father...and how he would hurt me. Though, he hurts me still. I had spent the rest of that school day in the boys bathroom crying. At the end of the day Shigeru usually came up to me and apologized, I would always forgive him and we would walk home together. But it seemed that the older we got the more proud he got of having an uncle as a famous pokemon professor. He would brag about all the things he got to do... And I'd be left standing next to him and just hanging on his every word like one of his dumb fangirls.

Then came the day we were supposed to go on our pokemon journeys. I had been late getting up... And he just rubbed it in my face. Telling me that I was nothing but a looser. After that I rarely saw him. We were like strangers to each other. And I knew that we would never be as close as we were before school and before we had pokemon. I shook my head slowly and looked back up at the sky...tears stinging the backs of my eyes. Why can't I be with him? What have I done to deserve him hating me.

I heard father calling from the enterance to the Pokemon Center. I sighed heavily and knew that this was something inevitable. I shook my head slowly knowing that I would be in for yet another beating. I went to the roof enterance and walked down the ladder. I smiled to Nurse Joy and she gave me a small smile in return. I would have thanked her if my father hadn't decided to burst though the automatic doors and grab me and pull me out of the center.

"Didn't I tell you to come home before it got dark? I could have sworn I told you to come home...er else. You know your mother was worried sick about you!" He gave me a dark glare and grabbed my hair. He forcefully yanked me and I tried my hardest not to cry out. So I whimpered instead, earning a slightly pleased look from father...

"P-p-please father...I lost track of time...I was only here at the pokemon center. AGH!" I screamed in suprise when he turned around and punched me in the face, I fell to the ground and put my hand to my cheek. I sighed and stood up. Knowing father wouldn't tolerate a "weakling" for a son. He again pulled my hair and nearly dragged me back home.

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I was pushed inside and saw that my mother was sitting oon the floor curled up into a bruised ball. Anger flashed through me and Pikachu new how I was feeling. Sparks danced around his cheeks and he began to growl slightly. I clenched my fists and shook my head to him. He backed off and ran upstairs to my room. "I don't know why I let you keep that electrical rodent...He's nothing but trouble anyway." Isighed heavily and went straight to my mother's side.

"Mother? Mother are you ok? Mother, come one...say something..." Worry was running through me...I had never seen her like this before...usually father took all of his frustrations out on me. I tried shaking her...but she only fell limply into my arms... My eyes widened in horror...'Mother? She--She---' My mind couldn't form the words...

"She's dead... She wasn't listening to anything I told her...So I hit her a couple of times...she ended up passin' out. And so far she has yet to wake her ass up and make me dinner." I only remember seeing red...I luanched myself at him...thinking that since he was drunk I would somehow be able to take him down and then be able to get to the police. But now I think that when he's drunk he is only stronger and faster.

He easily dodged me and gave me a strong blow to the back of the head... I layed where I had fallen...barely concious... The last thing I remember is a sharp pain to my stomach...then I was out.

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I woke up to the sound of the shuffling of clothes and a tug at the waist of my pants. My eyes cracked open slightly...my entire body was aching. I saw my father leaning over me...my eyes widened and I tried to tell him to stop...but he had gagged me and all I could to was make muffled whimpers.

He stripped me till I had nothing at all. Then he just gazed at me...like he had been wanting this more and more with each passing second. And for the first time in a long time...I began to cry. The tears spilled from my eyes heavily...nothing was holding them back anymore...my mother was gone...Shigeru wouldn't be there for me like he was so long ago. I was alone...my father grabbed my thighs...he lunged into me without any warning. My eyes were wide and I screamed into the thing in my mouth.

'DAMMIT! WHY ME???' My screams slowly died down...by the time my father had finished I was nothing but a quivering mass of pain and shame. I felt so unclean, I felt like a whore...my father had stolen something from me...and it hurt...I never wanted it to hurt. He simply left me there and walked out of the room...All I could do was lay there and cry...I felt something sliding out of me...I sat up the best I could...pain shooting up my spine...I looked down at myself...there were bite marks scattered all over my skin...and there was blood on the sheet...it was obviously mine...I scooted off the bed and onto the floor. I went into a corner and curled up into a ball.

'Damn...Why did it have to be me? Where the hell are you when I need you? Mother? Why did you go?' After thinking that I only felt more shame...I can't believe how I could just get angry at the person I loved the most...I sighed heavily and moved to undo the bindings on my wrist. It was actually easy to get off...and I was suprised that my father had left his door unlocked. I quickly went to my room and crawled into my bed and let it all out...the pain that had been in all the years...the realization that my mother was gone...the after affects of what my father had done to me...everything swam through me...so strongly...

I had no idea what was going on with me...and I couldn't take it...I couldn't handle it...there was nothing I could do though...except... My mind wandered over to the knives my father kept in a locked box in his bedroom...father would probably still be downstairs for quite sometime... I got up from my bed pulled on some pants and went to his room...finding the key quickly...knowing exactly where I had hidden it...so he would never find it and use it against us...that all seemed pointless now...

I unlocked the box and found the sharpest knife inside...they were all pretty sharp...but there was one I liked more than any of the rest. I grabbed it quickly and headed back to my room ignoring the pain I felt walking, when I heard my father coming back up the staris...luckily I had closed and locked the box making it looked like it hadn't even been disturbed. I had just hidden the knife beneath my matress when he barged into my room. "C'mon boy, we're going fer a ride...an' I need you ta do somethin' fer me..." I could tell that he was still drunk...but I didn't dare try arguing with him... I walked with him to the truck and got in...I heard him throw a few things into the back but didn't bother looking back to see what they could be. He got in and started the car...we didn't say a word to each other...

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When the truck finally stopped I hopped out of the passengers seat again ignoring the pain in my backside. My father took down whatever he had thrown in the back...my heart sank and my stomache learched...he threw the cloth covered figure of my mother over his shoulder...he handed me the shovel... I looked at it...my heart pounding in my chest...'I can't do this...how can I do this? Who the hell does he thinks he is?' My mind was racing until I felt a shrp pain to the side of my face... He shoved me forward and my legs moved against my will. I walked until he told me to stop...and there before me, when my eyes could focus again, was a pre-dug hole that was a good six feet deep...there was a tombstone set..."Here lies Mrs. Delia Ketchem-Proud Mother and Housewife"

"Yur mother had been gettin' on my nerves a lot lately...so I thought it was about her time to go...the caretaker of this graveyard owes me a few favors...so he dug this hole and got the headstone fer me...but you know what son? You get to pur all the dirt back on her... She would have liked that..." He threw my mother's body into the hole...I heard a sudden thud...and then...a groan?

'No! It can't be! She...she's still alive?' I listened again and heard a few more groans and couldn't help but smile. "Father! We don't have to bury her! She's still alive! We can get her out help her get better and no one will know that any of this happened!" He pushed me aside and looked into the hole.

"What the hell are you talking about boy? She ain't alive...she ain't movin' at all down there. But just to make sure..." He pulled out a gun and shot into the hole...My eyes widened...all my hopes shattered the same time the gun went off...

'He killed her...the bastard killed her!' He shoved me to the hole...I looked down and saw the blood splattered figure laying there...in this deep hole...dying...there was no longer any chance that she could have lived...I began doing what he said I was to do...I covered the corpse of my mother with the dirt that had been used to dig her hole... I was numb...I couldn't feel anything...nothing at all...everything seemed to go in slow motion...nothing seemed to shock me...not even then a saw another tombstone near by...with my name on it...

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It had been two weeks after all of that happened...I was raped for a second time...seeming to scream louder than the first time... Everything left me numb...everything my father said and did to me were the only things that hurt anymore...but hte things I did to myself...had no actual meaning. No significance in anyway...I continuously used the knife I had hidden beneath my matress...Pikachu would watch me...I could hear all the hurt and worry he had in his language...his ears always drooped...even when I put on the false smile...he was still upset knowing that I was never going to be happy...

But I felt that something was gonna be different...something new was gonna happen..and it wasn't gonna be a new way for me to get hurt by my father...then I heard the news...Shigeru was back...and he was here to stay... I couldn't bring myself to leave my house and see him...I looked awful...bruises and cuts all over me...black eyes every day...something was broken... The only ones that ever saw me were nurse Joy...my father..and pikachu.

But then I ran into him...and I was glad that I had decided to wear a long sleeved shirt that day... But he took one look at my face and I saw shock flash through his face...My heart ached...I hadn't felt anything like this in a long time..."Satoshi...Is he still? You know?" I simply stared at him...wanting him to say what he couldn't bring himself to say... He sighed heavily, "Does he still hit you, Satoshi?"

I smiled at him...and then I burst out laughing. He stared at me dumbfounded until I could calm myself down, "I'm sorry Shigeru...but you are one funny guy you know that? I mean look at me? Do you think he still hits me? I have I gash above the black eye I got over a week ago..My arm is broken... Yea I'd say he still hits me...but enough about me...How was your pokemon journey? Was Professor Oak proud of you?"

I knew he could tell I didn't want to get into any further discussion about my father...he nodded his head..."Well, it went well...then I got bored with battling...so I decided to come back here...become a breeder and researcher like my grandfather. He says he is proud that I've decided to come back...How's pikachu?"

At the sound of his name Pikachu popped up on my good shoulder and seemed to brighten up when he saw Shigeru standing before me. I guess he knew how I felt about him...and he figured that Shigeru could make me happy. "He's fine, as you can see. This is the happiest I've seen him in a long time. I guess he likes you Shigeru..." I smirked at him and he got a sad look in his eyes...he knew that I was being cold to him...it's payback for all the years in school that he had put me through hell.

"Satoshi...I know you haven't forgiven me for everything I put you through when we were younger...But I am hoping in my heart that you will one day be able to forgive me...I'm really really sorry, Satoshi." He looked at me with hope shining in his eyes.

My heart swelled at the look and at the words he had said...But I wouldn't let myself be fooled by anyone elses tricks. I snapped... "YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN JUST COME UP TO ME APOLOGIZE AND THINK THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OK? yOU TOLD EVERYONE HOW MY DAD WAS WITH ME AND MY MOTHER! YOU GOT EVERYONE INVOLVED! EVEN IF YOU WERE TRYING TO HELP...WHICH I HIGHLY DOUBT! THEY COULDN'T FIND SHIT ON HIM! AND I GOT BEATEN FOR 14 STRAIGHT HOURS! THE NEXT DAY I WAS SO BATTERED THAT I COULDN'T EVEN STAND...I PASSED OUT ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL! I WAS ALMOST DRAGGED OFF BY SOME SICK DRUNKEN PERVS!" I sighed heavily...His eyes were wide and full of sorrow...he really did have no idea how hard everything was for me! I couldn't believe.

He looked as though he was going to say something...but we both knew that nothing could be said. "God, Shigeru...I looked up to you...you were the only person aside from my mother to show any real kindness towards me...And after a while..when we got older... I realized...that..I loved you...and I still do dammit! And I forgive you! But it's too late...things have only gotten worse since you left... Do you only want my forgiveness? If so then I give it to you..."

He looked at me with pleading eyes..."NO! I'm not sure what I want...but.." He couldn't find the right words...and I wasn't going to stick around to find out what they were.

"Well when you figure it out...come and tell me...What do you really want? For now I have to go to see nurse Joy...then I have to get home to make my father dinner...but...if I ever run into you again...then just tell me..." With that I turned and left Shigeru standing there with his mind whirling. I was relieved when he didn't chase after me...and I was glad that he didn't just want my forgiveness...but by the time I got to the Pokemon Center My mood had turned dark and gloomy again...cuz no mater what Shigeru wanted...I would still have to deal with my father...

-:-TBC-:-

((A/N: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OMG! Why the hell am I so fucked up? WAAAAAAH! T.T))