Title: Another Pointless High School Mission
Universe: Bleach/Ouran High School Host Club
Theme/Topic: Renji and Kasanoda have to be present. XD;;
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing/s: Host Club, Kasanoda, Tamaki, Kyouya, Kasanoda Soi Fong, Oomaeda, Zaraki, Yachiru, Yumichika, Ikkaku, Shuuhei, Kira, Hanatarou, Byakuya, Renji, Komamura, Iba, Shunsui, Ukitake, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Rin, Mayuri, Nemu, Yamamoto, Choujirou
Warnings/Spoilers: OOC, Crack, stupidity, randomness to the nth degree. I just had fun with it okay? shot
Word Count: 2,121
Summary: (Bleach/Ouran)- The gotei-13 undercover at Ouran Academy.
Dedication: One of Ann's requests on my crossover meme. It was a challenge okay? I did my best! LOL And I just happen to suck at these. XD;;
A/N:
Lame premise? HELLS YEAH. Do I care? Probably not. XD ALSO, this is absolutely retarded. Especially since I don't know how to characterize ummm… Choujirou and Oomaeda and ALL OF THE 12th DIVISION and Nekozawa. As you can probably tell when you read, I kind of just didn't bother to characterize them at all. XD;;
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I wish constantly.
Distribution: Just lemme know.


1. Second Division

"There is definitely an unnatural reiatsu here," Soi Fong declared upon entering the area she'd been sent to investigate. "I can't determine its source."

Oomaeda ate potato chips. "Might be gas."

She kicked him in the shin. "We've been sent to examine any strange occurrences of human reiatsu in areas that might mirror the growth patterns seen in Karakura City," she reminded him. "As a precaution. It can't be gas."

Oomaeda clutched his bruised leg, but continued to chew his potato chips all the same. "Uh. Sure, taichou."

"Imbecile." She scoffed and walked ahead, leaving him to limp silently after her "There seems to be something odd coming from in here," the diminutive captain murmured to herself as she paused in front of a pair of ornate doors. Adjusting the ridiculous outfit she'd been forced to don upon entering her gigai, she steeled herself—ever prepared for battle—and stepped through.

"Welcome!!!" a flurry of voices greeted.

"Ah, what a petite flower of particularly exquisite craftsmanship!" a blond suddenly declared, and spun up to the small second division captain, the imbecile taking a knee at her feet and grabbing her hand without even bothering to ask her if any form of skin-on-skin contact was acceptable.

She kicked him in the balls.

A beat.

"Don't touch me."

"Noted," Tamaki croaked, and fell over.

"Senpai, are you alright?" another boy asked, and went to help the blond.

Soi Fong ignored them both—supremely uninterested.

Until the smaller boy turned up to her and frowned. "Wasn't that a little bit harsh?" he asked, and something strange about him caught the second division captain's eye.

"Sorry," she found herself saying, without knowing why.

At that, the boy smiled. "Well, I know he's an idiot, but just ignore him from now on, okay?"

It was a lovely smile.

Unwittingly, Soi Fong blushed.

Behind her, Oomaeda gaped. "T-taichou?"

"Shut up!" she told him, and whirled around, storming out quickly. "Let's check the next rooms, there's clearly nothing here of interest."

"Uh…sure," her vice-captain murmured, still wide-eyed.

Men weren't supposed to do that to her.

2. Third Division/Ninth Division

"Why does everyone keep laughing when they see me?" Hisagi demanded.

Kira blinked. "Well, not everyone. There was that one girl who turned red and ran away screaming, remember?"

A beat.

"Thanks a whole bunch for the reminder there, Kira."

The blond shrugged-- helpless (and looking rather dapper in the prissy-type blue blazers they had to wear, if Shuuhei had anything to say on the matter). "Maybe the 69 on your face means something significant in the human realm," Izuru theorized.

Shuuhei blinked. He hadn't considered that. "You think?"

"Maybe. I mean… it's just a theory."

"Huh. Maybe."

3. Fourth Division

"I feel in you, a kindred spirit."

Hanatarou blinked nervously, kind of wondering how the person who had dragged him in here was getting his voice to echo like that. "R-really?"

The cat puppet rubbed its hands together darkly.

"Y-yes," Nekozawa insisted, "we are brothers! Fellow practitioners of the occult! The dark arts!"

Hanatarou laughed—sheepishly. "A-actually…I'm lost? D-do you know where freshman class 1-B is supposed to meet?"

"Aren't we all lost in this world of death and darkness? What is there to do but pray to the gods of chaos for the safe delivery of these weak, physical shells?"

The small shinigami stared. Smiled, nervously. "Um. I have antidepressants in my bag."

Nekozawa paused. Lowered Bezelneef. "The Occult and Black Magic club does not condone recreational drug use under any circumstances. Please leave," he said, and all the weird echo effects suddenly stopped.

Hanatarou clutched his bag tighter against his chest. "Um… I-I can write you a prescription?"

A beat.

"…do you have any Amitriptyline?"

4. Sixth Division

"The place is fuckin' weird, you don't mind me sayin' so, taichou."

Byakuya paused, turned to look over his shoulder at the redhead. "Weird, Renji? How so?"

Renji looked around. The place stank of money.

Looked back at Byakuya (who also, incidentally, stank of money).

Looked around some more. Money, money, money.

Whereas he just… kind of stank. To be fair, he hadn't had time to grab a shower this morning on account of waking up late.

He sighed. "Uh. Never mind. Just thinkin' out loud, taichou."

"Well. Do inform me the moment you sense any of that strange reiatsu Soi Fong and the others spoke of."

"Sure," he said, lamely.

Somehow, somehow, he just didn't think his captain would be able to relate.

5. Seventh Division

"This isn't funny."

"Nope, not funny at all," Iba assured his captain.

"I will lead you into a wall, Tetsuzaemon, if you continue to take that amused tone with me."

"Aw c'mon taichou! I'm sorry already, okay? I didn't mean ta call your gigai cute earlier, honest. And uh… and I can't even see it now! So it's…fair, right? Besides. All the girls stop to pet you."

Komamura promptly led him into a wall.

"Ow!"

"Fortunately for you, Tetsuzaemon, I am very forgiving."

Iba rubbed his head and wondered whose bright idea it had been to pair them up like this.

6. Eighth Division/Thirteenth Division

Ukitake sighed and in a resigned manner, plopped down tiredly next to a calm young man wearing glasses, the thirteenth division captain watching his companion twitter away with the nice—if somewhat eccentric—young blond man they'd met in the hallway.

"Kaasan!!" the boy exclaimed after a moment, all smiles, "kaasan we've finally found our faculty sponsor!! Someone who shares our vision! Our passion!"

"We don't need a faculty sponsor, Tamaki," the dark-haired boy responded calmly, and didn't even pause to look up from whatever it was he was typing on his computer.

The coolly uttered words of dismissal sent a veritable arrow of rejection right through the blond's chest. Ukitake eyed the young man beside him with some approval.

"Aw, c'mon, kiddo! I'm happy to help you'n Tama-chan here!" Kyouraku agreed readily, using his best persuasive voice in the process. "Whatever you and the lovely young ladies need! Just call on old Kyouraku-sensei, yeah?"

"During your very brief tenure here as a substitute teacher, I'm sure," Ukitake added, so nicely the sugar in it stung.

Kyouraku paused. Pouted.

Kyouya chanced a glance over at his neighbor then—some form of silent acknowledgment for the first time since the two new teachers had entered the third music room. Their eyes met. A consensus.

"But… Jyuu!" Shunsui began.

"But kaasan!!" Tamaki echoed.

Kyouya and Ukitake both turned to look at their counterparts.

And as Shunsui and Tamaki took unconscious steps backwards, they smiled-- pleasantly.

"Please don't pressure the substitute sensei into a promise he can't keep, Tamaki. That's very inconsiderate of you."

"At the same time, please don't make promises you can't keep, Shun. It's irresponsible."

Shunsui and Tamaki blinked.

Kyouya and Ukitake turned to each other then, seemingly forgetting about their companions' presences altogether.

"Ootori Kyouya."

"Ukitake Jyuushirou."

They smiled at one another and said "Pleased to meet you," at the very same time.

Shunsui and Tamaki were both a little bit afraid.

7. Tenth Division

"I think that school we passed earlier was full of lesbians," Rangiku noted thoughtfully, as she and her captain walked towards Ouran Academy.

"Based on what? Everyone looks at your chest like that the first time they see it."

She grinned at him. "But does everyone boot you out of the way to try and get to it

the first time they see it?"

At the reminder, he automatically uttered a sulky "Shut up," and tried to look as perturbed as he felt even with his head tipped skyward and the bloody tissue stuffed up his left nostril.

"Sooo… has the bleeding stopped yet, taichou?" the blond vice-captain asked, helpful as ever.

"Shut up."

8. Eleventh Division

"Why the hell ain't they afraid of me?" Zaraki asked, and wasn't whining at all when he did, really. "They're supposed to be afraid of me!"

Yumichika chuckled and plucked Yachiru off of the large captain's shoulder. "Perhaps you should see to your lovely item first, ne taichou?"

The fifth seat pulled out his handkerchief and very carefully wiped the cheerful vice-captain's messy mouth off with it. She laughed. "The cake is good here, Yumi-pon!"

She glowed cuteness.

"Uh, can we get the fuck outta this twilight zone?" Ikkaku shouted, and nervously eyed the girls who were eyeing him with an unnatural sort of hunger. Were they on fire? "Why the fuck ain't they afraid of me?" he demanded then, and inched as far away as he could, dodging a pirouetting blond and some freaky midget with a pink bunny as he did.

Yumichika sparkled. "Why, Ikkaku, they aren't afraid of you because your lovely item is the loveliest item of all lovely items available, of course!" he declared, and tossed his hair in a highly self-appreciative manner.

Kenpachi and Ikkaku stared at each other. Stared at their lovely items.

Died a little inside.

"So," Zaraki started, all casual like, "wanna go kill some shit?"

"Yes please, taichou."

"Take me with you," Kasanoda begged. "They all think I'm gay!"

Yumichika smiled and latched onto the redheaded teen's arm. "Of course you're welcome to come along, cutie!"

The fires behind them suddenly felt as though they were burning a thousand times brighter.

Ikkaku and Kenpachi ran.

9. Twelfth Division

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god someone honestly didn't know the number of stable isotopes for Xenon in my lab today—I was so surprised I didn't know how to answer when they asked me! How do people not know that? I feel dirty… a-absolutely. Oh god… how am I supposed to get through the day? Someone stole my lunch money. Xenon! If it had been Uranium I might have understood but Xenon?"

Nemu folded her hands in front of her and looked at Rin. "Nine stable. Twenty characterized as unstable—thus far."

He sighed —a deep breath of relief. "Thank you, fukutaichou."

She handed him a mild sedative from her pocket. "From the fourth division."

He gratefully accepted it.

"I don't believe this! The insolence! The ignorance! They tell me to remain calm, but how can I? What is the purpose of calm in an environment ruled by dimwits and imbeciles? Do they even understand the meaning of the word?"

"T-taichou!" Rin stammered, whirling around nervously at the arrival of a new voice while still trying to wrap his already shaking hands around the proffered medication. "Taichou i-is something wrong?"

"How do they expect me to teach them physics when they ask moronic questions like what Hilbert space is?" Mayuri griped, practically hissing his disdain.

"No!" Rin gaped.

"Precisely!" Mayuri fumed. "But that's not the worst! The worst…" he shuddered then, his whole body shaking with a sort of indignant rage that they had only seen the last time Yachiru had asked why protons and electryfingonamajigies mattered when they were so small you couldn't even see them. "…the worst was when I tried to explain what it was to the little ingrates and they asked me to further simplify my explanation! How could I possibly simplify a definition already as rudimentary as 'a real or complex vector space with a positive definite sesquilinear form'? What is so difficult for these ruffians to grasp?"

"Oh god!" Rin mourned, and nearly collapsed from the panic that was seizing his small frame at the mere thought.

Nemu looked into her pocket.

"Please excuse me," she said calmly, and turned to leave.

She moved off in hopes of finding Yamada-nanaseki again—as quickly as possible.

Because she didn't have any more pills, and she wasn't sure what to expect when Akon-san got out of his advanced genetics class any moment now.

In the meantime, she hoped her father didn't kill anyone.

10. First Division

"Taichou, if I may…what was the purpose of sending the captains and the vice-captains…there?"

Yamamoto chuckled dryly at Choujirou's inquiry. "They needed a vacation."

His vice-captain blinked, supposing he could understand that part of the equation at the very least. "So you sent them on a fake assignment?"

"Maybe."

A beat.

"Why there?"

The commander general's eyes sparkled. "Well, with all the youngin's at play, even old bats like us need a little vacation ourselves every now and again, don't you think? Some…entertainment, I suppose is the word."

Choujirou wasn't sure he followed. "Taichou?"

His captain chortled at his old friend and gestured to the communication transmission they were receiving, projected onto the wall of Yamamoto's office in all its large-screen, full color glory. "Just sit down next to me, Chouji, and watch. Chances are Kyouraku is going to do something stupid any second now."

The vice-captain—warily-- did as he was told.

In a matter of minutes Kyouraku did indeed, do something very, very stupid.

And Choujirou found that as usual, his captain was right about everything.

It was deliciously entertaining.

END