notes: opening section half-swiped from Rogue's player on FH, from -- this thread.
Rating: er. 18+ there is mention of naked people. and sex.
pairings: everyone/everyone, kat/hot dog, oc/lee.
Shag - A - Thon - A - Go - Go
by ALC Punk!
"Everyone should have lots of..." Lee paused, and glanced at Kara, as if to say 'Do I have to say it?'
The look she gave him was full of mockery and mischief. The other pilots in the briefing room shifted, as if bored. But then, Lee had a worried feeling that they might always be bored with him as CAG. He wasn't all flash like Kara, or solid and dependable like their last CAG (what had his name been, anyway? Lee could never remember).
He cleared his throat. "Um, yes. Cottle has said that we're all running on a high amount of tension and that to release it, we should--" He swore that the last time his voice had cracked he'd been thirteen frakking years old. It just wasn't fair. "--have sex."
The crack in his voice was audible.
For a moment, the pilots just stared at him.
Lee stared back.
Hot Dog opened his mouth, then closed it. Kat giggled suddenly, then clapped a hand over her mouth as if afraid someone would throw her in the brig for insubordinate behavior.
And Lee was desperately hoping that someone, anyone, would break the painful silence.
"So, Apollo," why couldn't anyone else have spoken? Lee stared at Kara, wishing he could kill her with his brain. "Who do you suggest we frak? Because I sure as hell ain't frakking any of you." She smirked.
Starbuck's pronouncement broke the silence, and the briefing erupted with laughter, mockery, and shouts of amusement. Lee took it all, standing at his pulpit and feeling like he was a priest preaching to the sinning masses at Ragnarok. "Hey!" He finally shouted them down. "I wasn't joking!"
That shut them up again, except for Kara, who hooted at him.
"Cottle says we're acting under the peak of efficiency, due to a lack of sex."
"A lack of sex, or a lack of right-hand action, Lee?" Kara prodded. "Are we discussing the full exchange of bodily fluids here, or is Cottle just happy with us getting our jollies off?"
"That's a lotta lube, Starbuck," someone cat-called.
"Only if we're trying to get the stick out of Apollo's ass," she shot back, standing. "In fact, now that I've thought about it, Lee, I have a great idea." She bounced over the front row and up to him, slapping him on the back. "Who wants to Shag the CAG?"
"You gotta lead by example, Lee." She slapped him on the shoulder, and waved a hand. "Do we start the bidding, or is there a lucky lady--or gent--who wants to catch the CAG's eye?"
There were more cat-calls and ribald comments until Starbuck hushed them.
Kat suddenly stood up and tugged the woman next to her to her feet. "I think Barb here might have an idea, sir."
The other woman flushed, "I--"
"Speak up, Twinkle," Kara called. "Do you wanna shag the CAG or not?"
"Kara. You. Are. So. Paying." Lee informed her, biting the words off with precision.
"Maybe, Adama." She patted his arm, and grinned, "C'mon, Twinkle, make up your mind. It's not often that Doc's orders include bending a flexible Adama over a table."
Twinkle straightened her shoulders, "Thank you, sir. I think I will. If, er..." Her voice trailed off, and she squeaked as Kat shoved her forwards.
"It's all right, lieutenant," Lee offered, "I'm very flattered, but I don't think--"
"Oh, yes he did, Lee," interrupted Kara mendaciously, "Doc meant all of us, not just those of us who don't need the help gettin' unkinked." She smirked.
That was it. She wanted to mock him? Fine. But he was going to fight back. He straightened. "Everyone here will pair up. You will then have sex, frak each other, or cuddle. Whatever your preference. But you will then write a report, and those reports had better be on my desk in two days, is that clear?"
"You want amateur porn, Lee?"
"And I'm exempt, right? I mean, I certainly--"
"Nope." He crossed his arms and smiled at her. Happily. "You're not. Either everyone fraks, or Cottle shoots us all up with drugs."
With shouts and laughter, the pilots began pairing up. Kat tackled Hot Dog, knocking them both to the floor. Someone told them to get a room. Others joined in with the general groping and mauling of each other. For a short time, chaos reigned in the briefing, then Lee shouted, "Everyone out! You know the places to go, people, get on with it!"
Energized with this strange (and silly) new order, they all began filing out.
A few minutes later, the briefing room contained the CAG, Starbuck, and Twinkle.
Kara grinned, "Looks like it's my turn to go find the Chief for some company, Apollo."
She snickered, then moved past Twinkle. "He's all yours, Delancey."
"Thanks. I think." Barb sounded uncertain, but she was smiling slightly as Starbuck escaped out the door. "So... sir..."
"Lee." He offered, trying to decide how the frak he'd gotten himself into this position. "And you don't have to--"
"I want to. Lee." The smile deepened, and her eyes suddenly took on a look that reminded him scarily of Kara. "I hear I'm going to need a lot of lube, by the way."
She stepped closer, and leaned in, lips close to his ear. "To remove the stick from your ass. Sir."
A shiver went through him, as he took in a breath and smelled her. Grease, sweat, human, and suddenly, Lee was wondering if he should send Cottle some sort of thank-you present. Lee's hands settled at her waist, "Oh, I don't think the stick will be a problem, Lieutenant."
"Good," she said firmly, turning her head and kissing him.