Set/Spoilers: LYDB2 Pairings: Kara/Anders, Dualla/Lee, Adama/Coffee Genre: crack!fic, humor Length: 2,000+ Notes this is a sort of sequel to Little Velvet Dress (which is Kara/Anders porn). It's also to be blamed on qwirky for pioneering the concept of this sort of crack!fic. Also contains references to Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.
by ALC Punk!
Really, it shouldn't come as a surprise to Admiral Adama that no one could find his best pilot, or her recent husband. Hell, he'd be surprised if they could be found before she was supposed to go back on duty.
What did surprise him, however, were the two rabbits Captain Kelly presented him with.
"Sir," the captain looked decidedly uncomfortable, "On inspection of Captain Thrace and Mr. Anders' quarters, we turned up, well, these, sir."
Adama eyed the rabbits. One was light-colored, the light reflecting off dark brown eyes. The other was darker, with blue eyes. And the light-colored one thumped a rear foot, as if in irritation. For one tiny moment, Adama considered the implications of an irritated, blonde rabbit occupying the same space as Captain Kara Thrace. Then he dismissed it. "And you brought them to CIC for what express reason, Captain?"
"It, uh, seemed like the thing to do. Sir." Captain Kelly clearly wasn't used to rabbits randomly appearing on a battlestar.
Really, neither was Adama. But he had more seasoning, more time as a commander and admiral to understand the nuances of having a better triad face than Starbuck. He nodded, "Then please remove them, and return them to their owners."
"That's just the thing, sir, no one knows who owns them or even how they were brought on board."
Then someone was lying. Honestly, did he have to do everything around here? "Then ask again, Captain."
"You did what?"
Anastasia Dualla had to admit that, maybe, she'd been a little irrational. Not to mention drunk. The look on Lee Adama's face was telling her as much. She coughed, "I, ah, used an old recipe of my Auntie Tia's."
"Which has...?" Lee prompted. Apparently, he hadn't taken her blurted confession at face value.
"It's turned Starbuck and Anders into rabbits."
"And you know this how?"
Really, he was taking it remarkably well. Dee shifted and tried to look contrite. "I just heard a report from Galactica that they're missing, and they're trying to find the owners of two rabbits. And, well, the wording of the spell is a bit enigmatic, but that would make sense. Especially for them."
"Make sense how?" Lee was using his 'I might kill you shortly, but for now you're alive' voice. It occurred to Dee that it was kind of hot.
She tried not to babble as she replied, in the hope that he wouldn't kill her, "The wording is basically, 'make them as their nature makes them be'. And since they tend to frak like rabbits..."
Lee put a hand over his face and rubbed. Then he shoved the hand up through his hair and stared at her. "And you're telling me you cast a spell on Starbuck and Anders that turned them into rabbits."
"Yes." She thought. After all, it could all just be coincidence. But Auntia Tia had been VERY persuasive, and no one had ever heard from her Uncle Jack again. Not after Auntie Tia cursed him to be a frog. No one asked about her new bronze paperweight, either.
And here was the part she was kind of horribly embarrassed to admit. She knew she was blushing. "Revenge."
Feeling like a child caught stealing her best friend's lunch money, Dee looked down, then up. "Having sex during our wedding reception."
Lee was silent.
He was silent for so long, staring at her, that Dee was beginning to wish she'd never considered this idea, that she'd asked for a divorce, that she'd gone over and just kicked Starbuck's ass for being annoying, that she'd--
A laugh cracked through the room, and then Lee was doubled-up, the sound almost painful to hear.
"This, this is a joke, right?" He panted a moment later, then looked at her.
"I wish it was."
"Dualla, you can't just... turn people into animals."
"You can't make a machine human, either, Lee."
"Anastasia." Her name sounded strange on his tongue. Two months married, and she was still used to 'Dee' and 'Dualla' more. He sighed, "We'll talk about this later. Right now, I need to see if anyone knows where Starbuck and Anders are."
She watched him go, then echoed his sigh. "They're on Galactica. They're just rabbits, Lee."
Three searches, an appeal to the public, two viewings of security footage, and many hours later, Adama was in his quarters, staring at the two rabbits. He wasn't sure how he'd ended up with them, but there they were, curled around each other in a makeshift nest. The blonde rabbit had tried several times to get played with. At least, that's what he assumed the constant thumping noises and attempts to bite people were.
But she'd finally tired out, leaving the male to eye them all with what Adama, in a moment of complete madness, thought was amused irritation.
One of the over-enthusiastic communications officers had confirmed that the blonde was a female and the other a male. She'd only been bitten once, too.
Captain Kelly had been bitten twice.
No one else had dared get close enough to receive similar treatment, although the blonde seemed to eye Tigh with something approaching malice. His XO had mostly ignored the CICs rabbits until they'd walked across his paperwork. Then he'd cursed at them until Captain Kelly removed them to a box.
They were remarkably well-behaved, otherwise.
Adama took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He'd love to get Starbuck's amused take on rabbits, but she still hadn't turned up. He was beginning to suspect that she'd dragged Anders off to some secret place for a belated honeymoon. It would be just like her.
Putting his glasses back on, he discovered that the rabbits were suddenly doing something he definitely did not need to see. Not that he was a prude, but they were rabbits after all.
Turning, he headed for his rack. A few hours' sleep and he'd rejoin the search. And maybe the two going at it like the rabbits they were would be exhausted enough to not do it anymore.
He could hope.
Two days, and no Kara meant that Dualla was standing nervously in Admiral Adama's quarters, waiting for him to arrive to hear her crackpot theory. She really wished there was another way, or that she could reverse the spell, or pretend it hadn't ever happened.
But no Starbuck and no Anders made the remaining pilots a bit extra stressed. Duck was trying to fill Kara's position as CAG and having far more trouble than he'd thought he would. And the marines didn't exactly miss Anders, but he was a good man to have when trying to refine explosive techniques. Not that they really thought there would be anything to blow up, but the thought always counted.
Distracting her from her thoughts, the hatch opened and Adama walked in. He had a box under one arm and set it on the couch before looking at her. "Lieutenant."
"Sir." She swallowed, feeling very small, "Sir, I'm afraid... I'm afraid I turned Captain Thrace and her husband into rabbits, sir."
"So Lee was trying to explain." He simply looked at her.
"I-it was stupid and wrong, and I'll never do it again, but I don't know how to turn them back. Auntie Tia never told me that." Anastasia clamped her lips closed, not wanting to babble any further. Besides, given Lee's lack of belief, there was nothing to say the Old Man would believe her, either.
Although he'd probably lose all faith in her, and that hurt.
"Doc Cottle took blood samples this afternoon," Adama said slowly, "He found human DNA amidst the rabbit. And he can't explain it."
So she'd been right. Dualla considered feeling relieved, except it meant she was guilty of perpetuating a crime against an officer (fellow officer now), and a marine, not to mention depriving the fleet of Starbuck's abilities in a viper. Not that the cylons had appeared in months, but it was best to be vigilant.
"I honestly can't decide what to do with you, Lieutenant." The Old Man was giving her his patented 'I am very disappointed in you' look.
Dee shrank, staring down. "I'm sorry, sir."
The rabbits had apparently tired of being ignored, because the blonde one thumped in annoyance and then jumped out of the box and hopped over to Dee. And then she turned and peed on Dee's boot.
A chuckle escaped Adama, "Kara, leave her be."
The rabbit gave him an offended look, then thumped the floor.
Dee stared down at her now wet boot and wriggled her toes. Her mouth screwed up in disgust as she felt the damp seeping through. Damn, and these boots were supposed to be waterproof.
"Was there a time limit on this 'spell' you cast, Lieutenant?"
"I... I don't know, sir. The wording is a little vague and archaic." Not to mention that she'd been drunk and didn't exactly remember precisely what she said. "But it might wear off."
"You can hope. And while you're doing that, start discovering how to reverse it." The words had the tone of finality she was used to in a dismissal, and Dee shrank back, turned and squelched for the door.
Adama eyed the blonde rabbit.
The rabbit thumped again. Anders seemed to be perfectly content to sit in a corner of the table, eyeing them all with vague interest while still keeping a proprietary gaze on Kara.
"What the--" Tigh glared at him, "You put the rabbits on the tactical console?"
"I was afraid we'd step on them."
The rabbit thumped again, then hopped over to Tigh.
"Better her than us," his XO muttered before absently reaching out and stroking the rabbit's ears.
So she bit him. Adama sighed while he cursed, "Kara, you're getting blood on your fur."
The rabbit shot him a look which definitely reminded him of too many briefings. He considered having her banned from CIC, but until they figured out what to do with them, it was probably the safest place for them. Chief had already rescued them once from being someone's fresh-stewed meal.
Anders ambled over and nudged her before she could interrupt the flow of the day more. Adama watched with interest as she nudged them back. "Would you two like a box?" he asked dryly a moment later.
That seemed to give them pause, and Kara actually seemed to consider before nodding.
He swore, if he never saw a rabbit nod again, it would be too soon. But he bent down and picked up the box for them to hop into and then set it on the floor. He used his foot to push it under the table, then gave a sigh. "Saul, I think I'm getting too old for this."
"Nonsense," his XO muttered, having stopped the bleeding, "You're only as old as you think you are."
The next morning, Dee was going through her hastily scrawled notes, based on memories. Drunken memories. She sighed as she read the lines over.
'Make them as their nature deserves Three days until nights' end'
Seemed to be the applicable bits. Dee stared at them, wondering if she dared hope that three days was the correct time limit, and that after three days Starbuck and Anders would be returned to themselves. She wasn't sure what they'd do to her then, of course.
She just wished she hadn't given into her irritation and (admit it, Anastasia) jealousy. They'd been so easy and free with each other, while she and Lee... were not. And now they were even worse. She wondered if he was simply having trouble with being married, or if it was because he was married to her. And maybe it wasn't about her at all.
Another sigh escaped her, and she reached up to rub her eyes, muttering the words to the spell under her breath. "Lee, you're such an idiot."
Morning had brought two cuddled rabbits, and no solution to the problem. Adama absently dumped them out on the tactical console again and went to work on his paperwork.
"Kara." He didn't bother lifting his head to glare at the rabbit, since it didn't seem to work anymore than growling did. "I've got a headache and Saul hasn't brought my coffee yet, so shut up."
"Sorry, sir, I didn't know I'd get in trouble for turning human again."
Adama looked up.
Kara Thrace and Sam Anders were perched rather awkwardly on the tactical console. Anders especially seemed to be having difficulties. Possibly because they were both naked and he was attempting to use Starbuck as a shield.
For her part, Starbuck didn't seem to care.
"Get your naked ass off my table!" Tigh yelled from the doorway. "Great, now I'm gonna have to get disinfectant."
"I'll have you know," announced Kara, "That my ass is very clean."
But she and Anders obeyed the order, clambering unsteadily off the table and onto their feet.
"Whoa." Sam Anders grabbed the edge of the table.
Adama didn't sigh. He was past that sort of thing. "Get yourselves to the infirmary. And find some clothes."
"Well," Tigh handed over his cup of coffee, "Good frakkin' mornin'."
Doc Cottle had pronounced them perfectly healthy, then kicked them out of his infirmary. They ended up back in their quarters, a little wary of sleeping.
"You don't think..." Sam started. Then he stopped and shrugged, shoving his hands in the pockets of his borrowed sweats.
"Nah. Looks like it wore off." Not that she thought she was right. Kara was just an optimist about this sort of thing. Besides, it didn't bear thinking about. She smirked and moved over to wrap her arms around his neck. "But there's something we should definitely do, now we're not..."
He kissed her gently, then leaned his forehead against hers. "Definitely better like this."
(and then they did sex, but that's a completely different story. So is the tale of Dee's consequences)