Disclaimer: Wtf? Why do I even have to add this? You all know I'm not 1337 enough to own Neopets.

HOW TO BE THE BESTEST VILLAIN. Ever.

Your Lord and master Darigan here. Okay. So you've finally decided to stop living in unicorn land and move over to the dark side, have you? Well, good on you. I one) congratulate you on your decision. And I two) beat you senseless for not making that decision sooner, you spineless little wuss! But that aside...

Step one: You have to have an evil fortress. EVERY VILLIAN has an evil fortress! I have my Citadel; Von Roo has his castle; Scarblade has his ship; Michael Jackson has Neverland, you get the idea. Once you acquire your evil fortress, whether it be an abandoned mental hospital or the attic in your parents' house, you must furnish it with evil furniture! No cloth! NO CLOTH FURNITURE! It must be leather. Black leather. Or dark brown, for those who like the more classic look. (Side note: If you TRULY want to be evil, steal the furniture rather than buy it. Go ahead and steal some of those cool-looking curvy bottles filled with that oil and vegetables/fruit that last forever that are kinda useless but still make a dull room look sophisticated. HUZZAH!) Paint the walls a dark color, and put an artificial fog machine in some inconspicuous corner so that anyone who enters the room will be able to feel the very evil that's pouring from your evil fortress...which is really an attic...in your parents' house... and oh my gosh how can you still be living with them.

You have now completed step 1. You may now proceed to step 2.

Step two: You have to have your evil laugh. Now, this isn't all that hard. Your laugh may start with any of the following classics... 'Bwa', 'Mwa', 'Mua', or 'OWN'D!'. Your laugh must be able to strike fear into even the bravest of neopets. Yes, I said bravest. I can do it, why can't you? Go on, let me hear it.

You: Uh, er...Ok. -clears throat- Ahem... uh, Mua—muaha—muahahaha...Muahahaha! MUAHAHAHAHAHA...HA! -cough-

Uh...o.O. Excellent. That was very...good. Uh, can we skip to Step 3?

STEP 3!: Okay, now that we've got the evil foggin' fortress and the maniacal laughing of doom, it's time that we worked on the wardrobe. What? That's right. I said wardrobe. You not only have to laugh evil, but you must also DRESS evil! How? Just follow my advice, my precious little n00b.

First, you must choose one of the three staples of evil wardrobe-ness: A cape, flowing robes, or—

You: A dress? Like yours?

IT IS NOT A DRESS!

You: Riiiiight...

Humph! AS I was SAYING... a cape, flowing robes-which is what I wear- or...a cloak. That's right, I said it. A cloak... Not space armor, not mucus, not even a black leather trench coat—

You: Aww...dang!

Once you have one of those three you can move on to Step 4.

Step Four: So you decided on the flowing robes, eh? My personal favorite, actually. Congratulations on making it this far. Most others would have quit at step three and gone crying home to mommy and daddy, back up to the attic where they attempted to make an evil fortress. Okay, now for step four. You have the place, the laugh, and the clothes. Now what? Yes, that's right. YOUR APPEARANCE! EVERYONE knows that in order to look evil, you have to have pointy ears, dark shadows under the eyes, good dental hygiene, and neckfur. I stress the titanic importance of the last one.

Von Roo: -hops up- Uh...Darigan?

Yeah, buddy?

Von Roo: Vee don't have the neckfur, you know.

Jazan: Yeah, and I use eyeliner in place of 'dark shadows'.

Meuka: Yeah! And what's wrong with being covered in mucus!? D:

Well see, that one's just plain nasty...

Von Roo, Jazan: -agree-

Meuka: No respect! -walks away, sulking-

Jazan: -slips on mucus trail he left behind-

Von Roo: o.O Do you vant me to give you a hand?

Meuka's just jealous because he has no pwnful fur...

So that concludes my how-to for today. Do you have the ears? The fangs? The neckfur?

Von Roo, Jazan: T.T -annoyed glare-

You said yes to all of them, right? Of course you did. (Because if you didn't say yes to my neckfur...-shakes fist-)

Then that concludes our lesson for today. Come back next week for a lesson in 'How to Become Dangerously Addicted to Shiny Glowing Orbs'! Until then, your Lord and Master Darigan!