BY MYRTLE THE TYRTLE
A/N: Welcome to the beginning of the end, now containing an increased percentage of descriptive writing than previous chapters!
A brief recap: Lord Voldemort has invaded Hogwarts and the only way he can kill all the kiddies is to eliminate them from a Survivor-type show. The Hufflepuffs (and one unfortunate Ravenclaw) were the first to be eliminated, and now we have also lost Ron, Hermione, Neville and all the Slytherins! More recently, Harry won the final challenge, and chose Ginny to go to the grand final with him. Who will win? Read on…
Several weeks later, in fall 2007…
"Hello, and welcome to the live finale and reunion show of SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS. In the lawsuit that immediately followed the show's post-production stage, it was decided that Lord Voldemort, the Producer and Director of the show was being mean, unfair, cruel and sadistic during the filming – oh, yes, this was filmed! – of the show, most importantly taking over from my role as host. So now he has now brought about the re-opening of the Tower of London, and I am your host, Jeff Probst!
"Now let's bring on our two final survivors, HARRY POTTER!!! And Ginny Weasley."
The crowd clapped and cheered. Most of them were holding signs that said things like "Potter for President", "Weasley Will Win!" or more simply and neutrally "Go Go Gryffindor!" In the far corner, however, a small section of the audience were wearing dark hoods and masks and holding signs saying things like "Tear down the Tower", "Free Voldy" and "Hurry up and kill the blood traitors!"
Harry and Ginny walked briskly onto the stage, waved at the crowd then sat down on to uncomfortable but stylish Hogwarts-themed stools in the middle of a semi-circular stage.
"How you doin' guys?" Jeff asked the two finalists who, in good SURVIVOR style had each completely redone their faces since they had left the show: Harry had had cosmetic surgery to remove his scar, while Ginny was now clean-shaven. "Good, good, great," he continued, without waiting for an answer. "Now let's welcome the jury."
There was an awkward silence, and a large dust ball blew across the stage. A stage manager hurried on stage and shuffled over to Jeff. The pair held a whispered conversation for about three seconds until Jeff bellowed: "What do you mean, 'they're dead'? How could they possibly be dead?"
Just then your stereotypical English newspaper salesman ran onto the stage.
"Extra, extra! Read all about it!" he cried in an atrocious Cockney accent. "56 victims in a giant hoax!"
"Give it here!" snapped an irritated Jeff, and he snatched a newspaper from the boy.
"That'll be one Knut, guv'nah!"
Jeff scanned the front page. "There's nothing about a giant hoax…"
The newspaper boy took his money and ran off, shouting: "Extra, extra! 57 victims in a giant hoax!"
"… but it does say that Lord Voldemort has escaped from the Tower and is coming to kill all the remaining Hogwarts students before the beginning of the SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS reunion and finale show!"
He showed the audience the front of the newspaper, the headlines of which proclaimed: "LORD VOLDEMORT ESCAPES FROM TOWER – VOWS TO KILL ALL REMAINING HOGWARTS STUDENTS BEFORE THE BEGINNING OF THE SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS REUNION AND FINALE SHOW!"
"Of course, you can never trust the Prophet." He scrunched the paper up into a ball and chucked at an artificial fire. It bounced off and landed by Harry's foot. "Someone get me the Quibbler!"
A stagehand consented, and brought Jeff the requested magazine. "Great gargoyles!" he exclaimed, and showed everybody the front page. "VOLDEMORT STOPS FOR INTERVIEW BEFORE KILLING EDITOR'S DAUGHTER AND THE REST OF THE SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS JURY (Full Story page 3, Interview Page 17)"
"Good Lord!" Jeff fell to his knees.
"Nae, he's an evil bastaird who's killed me on'y son!" shouted a distraught Scottish witch who was promptly removed from the audience by burly security guards.
Jeff failed to hear her: he was now rocking back and forth muttering, "the jury's dead, he's killed them, the jury's dead, he's killed them" over and over.
At that precise moment, a large dragon dropped through the roof and crushed most of the audience.
"Yes, it's all true," said its rider. "Your jury is dead, and I have killed them. I'm quite proud of myself."
"But Voldy!" cried Jeff, for it was indeed the dreaded Lord Voldy atop the great beast. "How could you? We needed the jurors to announce Harry – I mean, someone completely chosen at random and not picked right from the beginning of the game – the winner."
"Yes, true," agreed Voldy, "but if there is a winner, I can't kill them until three days after the competition. And I just can't wait that long! I need to kill like this author needs reviews!" He pulled a fat old man with a substantial lack of hair out of a cauldron.
Jeff opened his mouth to respond, when a voice-over artist interrupted him.
"And now a word from our sponsors!" he announced, as some cheap music began to play. "Lawyerboy, Byrtle the Tyrtle and Associates (Illegal) Legal Practitioners Ltd. have been supporting fanfiction ever since they were coined up on December 13, 2006. And their motto is: "If you haven't yet reviewed, you might just soon get sued!"
The music stopped, and Voldy wiped a tear from his eye. "There's a message in there for all of us," he sobbed momentarily. "Er, you were saying…"
"Ah, yes, um, er, where was I?"
"You opened your mouth to respond when a voice-over artist interrupted you," offered Harry.
"Thanks, Harry," said Jeff. He turned to Voldy. "If a winner is never selected, you can never kill neither Harry nor Ginny."
"I don't believe you!"
"Bet you ten galleons you can't."
"OK, no, it's fine," said Voldy hurriedly, as he obviously didn't have the Galleons to pay up in the first place. "I believe you."
"Hem, hem!" coughed a voice. Everybody spun around, expecting to see Dolores Umbridge, but were pleasantly surprised to see one of the Associate Producers.
"I believe that this is supposed to be a reunion show," continued the suit-clad man. "So how about you lot get on with some reuniting before I have to threaten you with cancelling your air-time."
"How can you cancel it?" asked Ginny. "I thought this was a live show!"
"Actually, in the world of show-biz, a LIVE SHOW means that it's live when you watch it."
"Ah," everyone sighed in an enlightened manner.
They all settled down on big comfy sofas and Jeff began to ask questions to Voldy and the two surviving contestants.
"Harry, we'll start with you first. What was the biggest regret at you had at the end of the show?"
"That's an easy one, Jeff. It was obviously not carrying out our secret plan on Voldy."
"Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten about that," said Ginny. "Remind me, how'd it go again?"
"Well, actually," Harry looked around for spies and Daily Prophet reporters before continuing, "there wasn't actually a plan. It was really a gimmicky plot device created to keep the audience interested."
Everybody howled with laughter.
"Bloody hell, Harry," chuckled Voldy. "You certainly kept me in suspense, especially with all those horrible cliffhangers! Now I want to kill you more than ever!"
"Yeah, but you can't, you big mean baddy!" giggled Harry. "At least, not until we decide a winner!"
Everybody laughed again.
"So, speaking of winners," said Ginny, "will we ever decide who wins out of me and Harry?"
"Well, I guess you're both the winners," said Jeff.
A lit wand appeared above Voldy's head. He'd just had an idea.
He grabbed the wand and pointed it directly at Harry.
"Say your prayers, Mister Potter."
Harry looked shocked. "You can't kill me! I'm Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived! The Chosen One! And, more importantly, the winner of SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS. You can't kill me for another three days!"
Voldy chuckled malevolently. "Yes, Potter, but because you and the Weasley girl are both the winners, you forfeit your three-day head start. And now I will kill you!"
"Not so fast!" came a deep voice. Everybody turned around to look at a wall of dead people's paintings (primarily at Dumbledore), but the old wizard said "What? It wasn't me! It was him!" and he pointed out of the frame at Jeff Probst.
But it now appeared that Jeff Probst wasn't Jeff Probst at all! He was transforming just like Harry and Ron had done in their second year. He was becoming someone entirely different as he took polyjuice potion… but he wasn't holding a cup in his hand.
"You've been taking Polyjuice Potion!" said Voldy, stunned that a muggle would have thought of such a thing. "Who are you?"
"Why, my name is Phil Keoghan. And I am the presenter of the multiple Emmy Award winning reality show THE AMAZING RACE. I used Polyjuice Potion to get this job because I was turned down from being the host of SURVIVOR because I was told being a New Zealander counted against me.
"And you can't kill those kids!"
"Why ever not?" asked Voldy.
"Because you made an unbreakable bond with me not to kill Harry or the one he loves. And if you break that bond, you die. Remember?"
"I don't care if I die. I've got a whole ton of Horcruxes." He pointed the wand straight at Harry's chest.
"Avada Kedavra!" both wizards said the spell at the same time. Harry had instinctively raised his wand and cast the killing curse at Voldemort. This, as we all know, causes Priori Incantatem, the reverse spell effect. However, because the same spell was used from both wands, it was reversed, and all the people Harry and Voldemort had ever killed were coming back to life. And because Harry had never killed anyone, only Voldemort's victims were magically reviving.
First came the Ravenclaw jurors, then the Slytherins, Michael Corner, Hermione, Ron, Neville, Mandy Brocklehurst, the Hufflepuffs, the rest of the students, all the teachers, Cedric Diggory, and old man, and then Bertha Jorkins started to appear.
"Ugh, Bertha Jorkins!" spat Harry, and he broke the connection before she could materialize.
"Harry, you idiot!" yelled Hermione, running over to him. "Your parents would have been next! Didn't you want to see them?"
Harry shrugged, before turning his wand again on Voldemort, but he was already gone. "Where'd he go?" he yelled.
Phil stepped forward. "He's gone travelling around the globe. I can help you find him, if you travel in teams of two. Are you ready for: the Amazing Race – Special Hogwarts Edition!"
There was a slight silence.
"Um, not really," said Harry. "But we'll do it anyway, to kill Lord Voldy and… well, we'll decide what else when we get there!"
A/N: As one story ends, the opportunity for a sequel is revealed. Please stand by for the publication of THE AMAZING RACE – SPECIAL HOGWARTS EDITION! (coming to Fanfiction-dot-net hopefully pretty soon!)