A/N: I came to a conclusion while writing this chapter: I lie a lot. I know that I stated at the end of chapter 17 that I had a few more chapters left…well…heh. I changed my mind. This is the last installment of 'The Difficulties of Being a Vampire'. You all probably hate me now. Well, that's okay. I can deal with it. And this is by no means the end of my fanfiction career; I have quite a few ideas bouncing around in my head for more stories to come. Just don't expect a new story popping up any time too soon, for I will be busy with marching band. I do have a life you know…kind of. Now I would like to take up your time to thank a number of people.
A great special thanks to Crick118, who has reviewed every single one of my chapters, all of my stories, and who gave me a challenge fic. I applaud her amazingness.
Next, I would like to thank ChantelFlameshadow and Riyan, for being just…amazing awesome people with the reviews and being on actual speaking terms with me.
A big thanks goes out to my beta Slash-Addict-Self-Help-Group who is very patient with my….impatintness. If that makes any sense at all.
Also, thanks to Nicole (HolyHorcruxes), who is amazing, and the last of my friends to read my fanfiction, who I converted to H/D, and she digs me out of holes I put myself in, and helps me think of plot ideas. I love you!
And of course, thanks to all of you who read, reviewed, favored, alerted, c2ed, my story and to everyone who watched/reviewed my Harry Potter parodies on youtube.
AND BY THE WAY...this chapter has kinda sorta book seven spoilers! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
(PLEASE REVIEW! IT'S MY LAST CHANCE AS MUCH AS YOURS!)
And without further ado, I give you…
Chapter 18: Hooray for Really Bad Fanfiction Endings
"HARRY!" Draco dove through the small hole in the wall, knocking Harry onto the floor in the process. "WHAT!? WHAT IS IT!?" he asked frantically, looking around the room to find the cause of his boyfriend's scream.
"Oh! Hello, Professor. What brings you down here?" Draco asked their Herbology teacher.
By this time, Pansy and Colin had made their way through and were now greeting their teacher with much enthusiasm.
"STAY AWAY FROM HIM!" Harry roared over the happy salutations.
All four of the Hogwartians (hey, if J.K. can use it as a word, so can I!) looked at Harry skeptically.
"Why?" questioned Pansy, curling a lock of hair around her finger.
"Because," huffed Harry as though it was the most obvious thing in the world, "he's Lord Voldemort!"
Colin glanced at Professor Tromedlov.
"IN DISGUISE!" added Harry.
"Harry? Love?" Draco walked worriedly over to Harry and laced their fingers together. "When was the last time you…ate?"
"Draco! I'm serious! That's Lord Voldemort! Don't you believe me?"
"Err…" Draco stared at the floor with sudden fascination.
Harry growled angrily and stalked up to his enemy. "Alright, Tom. Right here. Right now."
"I have no idea what you're talking about, son. I had heard yells and came down here to investigate. How long were you poor, poor children locked down here?" He patted Colin's head.
"Don't touch him! I know your tricks, old man. Leave them out of it!"
"Oh, how very noble of you, Potter," sneered Tromedlov. "I would expect no less than a Gryffindor."
Colin, Pansy and Draco looked rather alarmed by the sudden change of attitude.
"Erm…Professor?" started Pansy timidly.
"BE QUIET GIRL!" he bellowed, keeping his eyes locked with Harry's. "Idiot boy, do you expect to take me on here, with no Dumbledore around to save you?"
"Yeah, I do." Harry stated, more confident than usual. He had something up his sleeve…or in this case, around his neck, this time.
Pansy ducked behind Draco and Colin. Colin ducked behind Pansy. They all decided it might be safer to get near righteous Potter.
"The game's up, Tom!" Harry shouted, fiddling with the collar of his robes. "I know all about your secrets! Dumbledore and I had a lovely little chat about your past last year!"
Voldemort/Tromedlov looked shiftily around the room. "Oh, god…" he murmured, dawning realization, "he didn't tell you about the time in the Owlrey…well…I was very drunk and-"
He was cut off when Harry had pulled a rather large locket, emblazoned with a glittering green 'S' on the front and shoved it in his face, with a concerning air of triumph.
"What in the blazes is that supposed to be?"
When Harry looked dumbstruck he continued, rolling his eyes. "Oh I see…last time Dumbledore sent you a hat, and now he's given you this lovely locket to go with it. Let me guess…it has some bloody powers that will raise your parents from the dead and all that tosh?"
"…No…" began Harry slowly. Perhaps Voldemort didn't recognize his own soul when it was shoved under his own nose?
"It's your horcrux." He smirked, waiting for the look of terror to dawn upon Lord Voldemort's face.
…It never came.
"What the bloody hell is a horcrux?" asked Voldemort, truly bewildered.
Harry stared at him in shock. "What do you mean, 'what the bloody hell is a'- A HORCRUX DAMNIT!" He hoped caps lock would make Voldemort understand. "It's your horcrux! Your soul's in there!"
Draco was really worried for the sanity of his boyfriend now.
"My…" Voldemort was lost for words. "Potter…if I was going to stow my soul in something, why on earth would I leave it in a bloody locket of all places?"
"I don't know!" shouted Harry angrily. "How am I supposed to understand the workings of an evil villain's mind!?"
"You seemed to comprehend my mind well enough two years ago…" mumbled Voldemort.
Oh, I see, thought Harry, he just has a really good poker face is all…but I can get things back into my hands…
"Alright…if you're going to be difficult about it…" Harry turned and looked at Voldemort darkly. "I warned you."
And Harry (forgetting that a horcrux could only be destroyed by a very powerful object) picked up a rather large stone from the rubble Colin had made by kicking a hole in the wall. He threw it with all his might at the horcrux. The locket smashed, the latch finally opening. A rather beat up version of 'Harry Birthday' tinkled out of the locket, and Harry could see a dusty picture of an elderly couple, holding hands and wearing matching cat sweaters.
"What the hell!" Black wings burst through Harry's back, but he ignored them. He ran his fingers through his hair, pacing around and muttering darkly to himself.
Voldemort looked at him warily. He knew not to mess with Potter when he was that pissed.
Harry thought back to the meeting with Dumbledore, when he had told Harry all about the six horcruxes he was to destroy. With a sort of sinking feeling in his stomach, Harry recalled that during that conference, Dumbledore had been addressing Harry as 'Governor' and had asked him nearly five times 'Where in the World Carmen San Diego was'.
"…Stupid old codger…" Harry buried his face in his hands, letting out a strange hissing noise. He practically bit a hole through his tongue with his fangs.
"ENOUGH POTTER!" Voldemort's voice rang throughout the dungeon. "NO MORE DISTRACTIONS!"
Voldemort smiled an evil, Voldemort smile that could only be pulled of by such an evil man. His hair swished all evilly, and Harry realized he was going to be killed by a man with purple locks and a very fake pasted-on mustache. Where was the justice?
"It's time to die, Harry Potter. No one to throw themselves in front of you now. And you know…flinging around 'expelliarmuses' aren't going to help you either." Voldemort showed him his new wand.
"Damn," cursed Harry. That had been his only plan.
They both raised their wands (By the way…um…all of them had magically found their wands in the room…heh…), ready for the final battle the Wizarding world had been waiting for nearly seventeen years. Too bad no one was really there to witness it.
Voldemort was the first to shoot his spell. "AVADA KE-"
"SACRIFICE!!!!!!!!!!" Draco pushed Colin Creevy in front of Harry…Draco was a Slytherin after all.
Everything seemed to go by in slow motion, Colin screamed in an unnaturally deep voice, tumbling in front of Harry. But he was not hit by a jet of green light.
You see, Voldemort had gotten a little bit smarter over the last few years. He waited until Creevy was out of the way to finish his spell.
"DAVRA!" he bellowed.
Harry was caught off guard. The spell hit him straight in the chest and he fell back slowly, a surprised expression still on his face. He hit the floor with a thud.
"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Draco threw himself over Harry's body, sobbing, screaming incoherently.
Colin had become somewhat petrified. His hero had died, right in front of him. The one he worshiped, and stalked, and took pictures of…brought grapes… A sudden monster had risen in Colin's chest. His eyes lit with a kind of fire that could only happen to noble Gryffindors when they were about to do something really very brave, or stupid.
He opened his mouth, a strangled warrior cry blasting over Draco's screams of anguish and sorrow. He ran, pulling his wand out of his robes, pel mel at the Dark Lord, who had been standing there, laughing, shocked that killing Harry Potter had been so incredibly easy.
Colin barreled over Voldemort, both of them crashing into the stone wall.
"MY NAME IS COLIN CREEVY!" Colin had Lord Voldemort pinned to the wall, practically choking the man with his firm grip around his neck, his wand pointed betweens his red slits of eyes. "YOU KILLED MY HERO. PREPARE TO DIE!"
Voldemort's eyes widened and were illuminated by a flash of green. Voldemort rolled over on the ground, dead. I suppose the Prophecy was wrong as well. One needn't die at the hand of the other…
Colin kicked at Voldemort's lifeless body.
On the other side of the room, Draco sobbed over Harry, shouting up at the heavens yelling, "WHY!!!!"
Pansy found Colin's camera and started taking pictures of the scene. She could get some serious money from the prophet…she was a Slytherin after all.
The flashing of the camera seemed to have alerted the two boys, realizing their surroundings.
Harry stood up. He looked at Draco's blotched face that was turned away from him, wondering what on earth would cause Draco, of all people, to cry. He glanced over at Colin and saw that he was striking a triumphant pose over what appeared to be the once all powerful Lord Voldemort.
"Wow! You killed Voldemort!" Harry walked over to Colin and shook his hand eagerly, barely noticing his fellow students' wide eyes. "Thanks Colin, I wouldn't have ever known you had it in you!" He thudded him on the back, his eyes swimming with pride.
"…Draco….Draco pinch me," whispered Pansy, edging closer to her friend. She seemed able to forget everything he had yelled at her in the previous chapter. She glanced at Draco who looked as though he was in some sort of trance. He kept opening and closing his mouth. Pansy didn't think he was breathing. She punched his arm. This seemed to act like some sort of stimulant.
"BUT YOU'RE DEAD!" Draco blurted out.
Harry looked at Draco, an amused smile on his face. "Guys," he laughed, "I'm Harry Potter. I can't just die."
"But…but…you…" stammered Colin uselessly.
"WHY WERE YOU DEAD ON THE GROUND THEN!? WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST JUMP RIGHT BACK UP! YOU WERE HIT WITH THE CURSE, WEREN'T YOU!?" screamed Pansy hysterically.
"Of course I was hit with the curse!" Harry waved his hand through the air nonchalantly. "I was just having a quick chat with Dumbledore, is all."
He ignored the terrified stares of his friends and said, "Well, let's not wait for the grass to grow! Come along!" He beckoned them to follow him out of the dungeons and into the Great Hall.
The final battle of the Dark Lord came and went while we were all eating supper last night. Cornered in a dungeon with his schoolmates Colin Creevy, Pansy Parkinson, and new allegiance, Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter dueled with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named right under Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. After screaming about horcruxes and breaking a rather old locket, Voldemort had shouted the killing curse at our favorite hero.
"I think the pressure was just getting to him at that point," voices sixth year Colin Creevy. "He needed a distraction while he thought up a cunningly brilliant plan. Not everyone can yell 'Expelliarmus!' and have such spectacular results."
Perhaps, or this may be connected to Harry's previous fits during his fourth year at Hogwarts, where he was prone to collapse all over the castle.
While Harry Potter lay seemingly dead upon the floor, Colin Creevy killed Lord Voldemort.
Although no one is quite sure how, Potter managed to revive and walk out of the dungeons without so much as a scratch or bruise.
"Harry Potter doesn't die," laughed Creevy.
We thank our Hero, Harry Potter, for once again, saving the Wizarding World from the Dark Lord's evil reign.
"Wow," breathed Neville, "Wow…you…I still don't get it." He dug into his breakfast, putting down the Daily Prophet.
Everyone had been crowding around the Gryffindor table, curious for details of what happened down in the chamber.
Harry, the modest fellow that he was, was giving everyone blow by blow details of the events while balancing Draco Malfoy on his lap.
Colin glared at the two boys, surrounded by fans. No one seemed to take note, or care that he had killed Voldemort. Apparently, Harry was the true hero here.
Harry shot a grin at Colin and he sighed, dreamily. Of course, if Harry hadn't died, Colin wouldn't have been able to kill Voldemort. Such a noble, hero he was. He joined the group of spectators at once.
Hermione put the paper down after reading the article with Pansy Parkinson reading over her shoulder.
The five students, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, and Pansy had become sort of friends now. Mostly because it was cliché and happy…and even though Hermione and Ron had done nothing whatsoever in this story, Balanced Insanity still felt that they needed to be somewhat important in Harry's life.
"At least Rita Skeeter didn't write this article," said Hermione.
"Yeah, just some bloke named Hugo," Ron laughed. "Hugo…what a stupid name. Remind me to never name our kid that Hermione."
Hermione started at him, her eyebrows disappearing in her hair. "We're not even dating, Ron."
"Well we bloody well should be!" Ron pounced on Hermione and they both started a snog session at the middle of breakfast.
McGonagall looked disapprovingly over at the Gryffindor table, pursed her lips and determinedly continued her conversation with Professor Flitwick.
Snape turned paler and stabbed at his kippers with unneeded force and muttered about 'teenagers and their groping…fifty points from Gryffindor…'
Trying and failing to ignore the spectacle next to him, Harry dragged Draco out of the hall, leaving Pansy to deal with Colin who had taken a rather abrupt liking to her.
Once out on the grounds, the couple sat down, leaning against the beech tree his father and his friends had laughed by so many years ago.
They both stared out into the sunset, feeling the same sense of completion, happy where they were now, not quite yet having to think about what would happen once they left Hogwarts.
"Well, all's well that-" Draco slapped his hand over Harry's mouth, sensing some really lame fan fiction ending.
"No no, don't ruin it."