This is the result of extreme boredom and randomness.


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Or the series would be called 'Akatsuki'

Valentine's Day

Hidan didn't wake up in the wrong side of the bed that morning. He was rudely woken up. And when Hidan is woken up, it is always on the 'wrong side of the bed.' As his room came into focus, the first person he saw was Deidara. Hidan isn't exactly stupid, so, naturally, he can put one and one together.

Getting woken up plus Deidara being the only one around equals Deidara was the one who poked Hidan. The elements of his logic, you ask? Because one and one equals three. (Despite his horrible logic and math, Hidan still got the basic idea. The stupid Iwa-nin had poked him awake)

"What the hell do you want, Deidara?" Hidan grumbled, brushing sleepies from his eyes.

Deidara grinned, arching a blond eyebrow. "Now, now, Hidan, un! It's Valentine's Day!" The blond, feminine shinobi chirped happily.

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Why the hell are you celebrating Valentine's Day?" Hidan muttered, more to himself than anyone else.

"I've taken it upon myself to see to it that all those poor souls who nobody cares about get Valentines, un." Deidara answered proudly. Hidan's eye twitched. He sat there for a moment before he realized what Deidara was implying.

"Go fuck yourself, brat." He retorted angrily (if a bit delayed), chucking a pillow at the blond.

"No thanks, I always end up asking Sasori-danna to help me anyway, un," was the impertinent, (hopefully joking) reply.

Hidan groaned. 'To much information… gah! That kid needs to die!'

'That kid' tossed a heart-shaped box of chocolates to Hidan and bounded out of the room faster than Hidan could perform his quickest ritual.

Looking at it suspiciously, Hidan put the box in the middle of a complex drawing. After about thirty minutes of staring at the drawing and the box, his gods deemed the chocolates safe.


Kakuzu stood to answer the knock at the door. Opening it, he found nobody around. Looking down, he saw a box of chocolates with a note attached.

To someone who usually never gets a Valentine's gift, un. .

With love,


'Deidara needs to die… oooh, but I do love chocolates!'


"Sasori-danna, un, open up the door!" Deidara yelled. The puppet in question rolled his crimson eyes and finished adding eyes to his current puppet, which when completed would be a voodoo doll of Kisame. (Voodoos of Hidan and Kakuzu were already done)

There was no response. Rolling his eyes Deidara muttered something about baka puppets, retarded art, and a holiday unappreciated. While ranting to himself, his hands formed a tiny spider and dropped it. The clay creature crawled under the door.

'Five, four, three, two, one!'

'One' was prompted by a huge explosion. "Deidara…" Sasori growled, glaring at the blond in question through the hole in his wall which had been the door.

"Good morning to you, too, Sasori-danna, un!" Deidara responded enthusiastically.

"Would it kill you to be morose or even just a tad bit serious once in a while?" Sasori groaned, shoving his paints and the wooden doll aside. "Seeing as you're not going until you get whatever you have to say off your chest, I guess I'm doomed to listen."

"Sasori-danna, un, I made it my mission to deliver Valentines to those who usually don't get them, un." Deidara grinned. "And, yes, it would probably kill me," the blond added as an after-thought.

"Lovely," was Sasori's sarcastic remark as he regarded the lace-and-ruffle decorated, pink, heart-shaped box of chocolate imitations of various Akatsuki members with disinterest. "I know!" Deidara bounced on Sasori's bed, oblivious (or maybe he was just ignoring it) to the heavy sarcasm that coated Sasori's words. The puppet held up a fish-shaped cookie covered in blue icing. "Hn, Kisame would just love this one." Deidara gave a lopsided grin and took off.


'Woah' was all Deidara could say when he blasted Itachi's door open. Holding the eye-shaped box he stared at the mounds upon mounds of boxes in Itachi's room.

Said man was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling in distaste. "I have no idea how they do it, Deidara. Every fucking time I move, they still seem to find my address and send me pointless cards/flowers/chocolates/random gifts during every fucking holiday."

"Who, Itachi-san?" Deidara asked though his tone screamed 'I know who, I just want to bug you.' And to be honest, Deidara did know who. After all, it was the blond haired, blue-eyed shinobi who sent Itachi's address to the Official Uchiha Fanclub of Konoha.

"My fanclub. And I thought they would all turn to Sasuke as their object of affection once it was out that I murdered the whole fucking clan. Hell, that was part of the reason I killed my pathetic family - in the hopes that they'd leave me alone!" By the time Itachi was done ranting, Deidara had already added his box to the piles and inched cautiously out of the room.

Picking up the box that Deidara had left, Itachi opened it. Inside were eye-shaped sugar cookies with black and red icing.

'Fuck you, Deidara.'


Somewhere in the Hidden Village of Sound, Uchiha Sasuke sneezed. 'Damnit, if that's my fanclub talking about me, I swear I will return to Konoha just to kill every goddamn one of them!' He thought viciously. A knock on his door interrupted his murderous thoughts as well as causing Sasuke to jump about a mile into the air while calling out, "Come in, unless you're Kabuto."

Too bad. It was Kabuto, and, disregarding Sasuke's warning, entered the room carrying a huge pile of chocolates.

"What the fuck?!" Sasuke shouted. "How the hell did those stupid girls get my address?!" Kabuto snickered to himself, and without answering, he dumped the boxes on a chair. "Only twenty-three more piles, Sasuke-sama." He said with mock cheerfulness, pushing his glasses up onto his nose.

The answer to Sasuke's question? Well, contrary to popular believe, the Sound Five had survived the first Retrieve The Stupid Uchiha Bastard Mission, and Tayuya, pissed off at Sasuke, had sent the address of Sasuke to his official fanclub.


Needless to say, every member of the Akatsuki got a box of personalized chocolates from Deidara that year.

Also needless to say, Deidara visited the village medic that afternoon, covered in numerous scratches, bruises, and scrapes courtesy of his so-called comrades.

People were careful of what they gave to their partners for every holiday after that (except for Tobi, who was followed Deidara's absurd secret orders to deliever strange and obnoxious gifts – but then again, Tobi isn't really an Akatsuki member, plus he's stupid.)


The End.

Why Valentine's Day? Because it's Thanksgiving.


Please review?

-Aes Sedai