THE LOVE LINK
CHAPTER ONE- THE GAME OF LOVE
Me: Hello and welcome to The Hogwarts Game Of Love!! I'm your host, hpfangurl12993!
Me: Oh shut up! So what if I wasn't in any of the books! You can all go DIE!
Audience (Mumbling): Anger issues……
Me: OKAY! Let's bring out our first contestant, Harry Potter!
Audience: AAHHH HES SO HOT!
(Harry is being dragged out by huge body-guards and is tied to a chair.)
Harry: HEY GET OFF ME!
Me: You agreed to come.
Harry: YOU THREATENED TO KILL ME!
Me: I was persuasive.
Harry: You held a knife to my throat!
Me: OKAY MOVING ON!!!! Now let's see about who's behind door number one!
Girl sounding exactly like Hermione behind door number 1: GET OFF ME! STOP IT! I WILL CALL THE ATHORITES!
Girl sounding exactly like Hermione behind door number 1: Harry?
Me: HEY! No admitting identities just yet! Okay Bachelorette number one likes Sushi, cold winter nights, and hates books!
Girl sounding exactly like Hermione behind door number 1: I do not hate books! I love books!
Me: That's not what you said in the interview!
Girl sounding exactly like Hermione behind door number 1: What interview?
Me: ANYWAY…… Bachelorette number two!
Person sounding exactly like Ron behind door number 2: STOP TRYING TO TIE ME TO THE BLOODY CHAIR!
(Bodyguards tie him up anyway and take his wand.) DIE!!!!!
Me: Bachelorette number two is-
Person sounding exactly like Ron behind door number 2: I'M A MAN!!!!!!
Me: Oh details, details.
Random person in the audience: I LOVE YOU RUPERT!!!
Person sounding exactly like Ron behind door number 2: Who's Rupert?
Me: MOVING ON….. Bachelorette number three!
Oddly cold and excited voice behind door number 3: Where's Potter? I want him! What? Sit here and I can see him in a second? Okay! (Cold excited voice sits down excitedly.)
Me: Okay Harry! Pick your soul mate and you win a dream date to Ireland!
Harry: I don't want any of them!
Me: I SAID PICK!!!! ONE, TWO, OR THREE?
Harry: I DON'T WANT ANY OF THEM!!!
(People in audience start shouting out numbers that Harry should pick.)
Me: I'll give you a year's supply of Bud Lite if you choose!
Harry: Beer? How did you know I was an alcoholic? I mean! Um, ew- yuck! None for me! (Harry's eyes continue to linger on the case of Bud Lite across the stage.)
Me: Well, your anorexic French friend told us!
Me: Um Floe? (Checks script for name) Oh Fleur, whatever. I knew it was some weird random French name.
Harry: Fleur's not anorexic.
Me: (Smiles knowingly) Yes, and I'm ugly.
Harry: So you get it!
Me: JUST PICK A DOOR OR NO BEER!
Harry: Oh fine…. Um
Person sounding exactly like Ron behind door number 2: NOT ME!
Cold excited voice from behind door #3: Me! Me! MEEE!
Harry: Oh alright, door 3.
Me: Harry Potter, meet your dream date! Misssstttteeeeerrrr Malfoy! (Draco walks out from behind door #3 grinning.)
Malfoy: Hello gorgeous!
Harry: MALFOY??!? WHAT THE HELL?
Malfoy: Oh Harry dear, don't be frightened. You know we were meant to be. (Draco starts stroking Harry's cheek.)
Harry: No! I'm in love with…um...with… what's her name again?
Hermione still tied up behind door #1: GINNY, YOU IDIOT! GINNY! GINNY! GINNY!
(Ginny is knocked out unconscious back-stage and tied up, locked in a closet)
Draco: Who cares? I love you.
Audience: NO I LOVE YOU! MARRY ME, HARRY!
Draco: I'll be the wife. And I'll make you homemade beer everyday.
Me: (Quickly changes to Priest costume)
Hermione (still tied up but moved onto stage so she can watch): Hey! Girls' can't be Priests'!
Me: WHOS SHOW IS THIS?
Ron (Tied up next to Hermione): It's a lost cause. Let's just be supportive.
Hermione: Shut up! (Tries to hit Ron but fails because of ropes)
Me: Ronald! Lovely attitude! You may have some beer!
(Pours some beer into bowl and hands to bodyguard who holds in front of Ron.)
Ron: Yay! (Ron begins to stick his head in the bowl and lap up beer like a dog.)
Me: Moving rite along……
(Draco is now in an ugly pink dress holding a bouquet of dead flowers. Harry is next to him in a powder-blue jumpsuit.)
Draco: Let's go!
Me: Okay. Harry Say 'I do.'
Harry: Maybe we should re-think this….
Hermione: Yes! (Guard sticks a gag in Hermione's mouth)
Draco: Homemade beer……..
Harry: I do!
Draco: I do!!!!
Me: Okay by me, I say, you're married! (Hands both a piece of paper with their names written in blue crayon and the word 'marryd' on it.) Here are your marriage licenses'!
Hermione (Choking): Hgmppmhh!!!!!
(Ron has passed out from the beer and is now leaning head first into the beer bowl)
Me: Loosen it. If she dies we could be sued.
(Guards remove the gag)
Hermione: That isn't a real marriage license! And you spelt 'Marriage' wrong!
Me: SHUT UP OR THE GAG COMES BACK!
Hermione: You shut up!
(Guards begin poking Hermione with wand tip)
Hermione: OW! STOP IT! Okay, okay! I'll be quiet! Just stop poking me in the eye!
(Harry and Draco climb onto a magic carpet and fly off into the sunset to Ireland holding hands.)
Every member of the audience even the old people and guys: NOOOOO!!! HARRY I LOVE YOU!!!
CHAPTER TWO- THE NEXT LOVEBIRD
Me: And we're back! Please welcome our next contestant, and old bachelorette, Roonil Wazlib!
(Ron walks out happy to finally be freed from earlier.)
Ron: Glad to be here!
Me: Ready to get started?
Ron: Yeah! (Moves eyebrows trying to look sexy.)
Me: Um are you okay? Do you need to see a doctor?
Ron: (is deathly afraid of doctors') NOOO THEY'LL KILL ME!
Me: Um, okay.
Ron: Uh, yeah. Just continue.
Me: Okay! If you want Ron to be the next American Idol just text the numbers 2252 to-
Ron: Uh wrong show.
Me: Oops! Sorry, that's tomorrow. Anyway, Bachelorette number one!
(Fleur is hanging by her ankles behind door #1)
Fleur: Geet away from me, you oaf!
Ron: Oh she sounds feisty!
(Fleur starts to whimper loudly)
Me: Whoever brought a dog here, get it OUT!
Ron: I like dogs.
Me: Who cares? Bachelorette number two!
Luna from behind door #2: Hello. I'm glad to be here.
Ron: Why isn't she fighting?
Me: She said she didn't have anything better to do.
Ron: Er, okay.
Me: And finally bachelorette number three!
(Hermione is behinds door 3 tied up and blushing furiously)
Hermione: Err, Hello.
Me: Okay and the next American Idol is….
Everyone in audience, on stage, and camera crew: WRONG SHOW!!!!!
Me: SORRY! I HAVE A HECTIC LIFE!
Me: Just pick a number.
Me: Pick a number 1 through 3, idiot.
Girl in audience: I WILL LOVE YOU FORVER RUPERT!!!
Ron: Who is this Rupert person?!?
Me: Never mind. Just PICK!!!!
Ron: Oh, okay. Why didn't you just ask? Umm….. (Ron closes his eyes) Ennie meenie minie mo……number…….one!
(Fleur is dropped from the ceiling onto her head.)
Fleur: AAAAHHH!!! BLOOD EEZ EVERYWERE! CALL ZE HEALERS!
Me: Okay, uh, no. Ron, since bachelorett number one is almost dead, pick another!
Ron: Okay, um three!
Me: Ronald, please meet your soul mate Hermioneeeeee Grangeeerrr!
(Hermione walks out and hugs Ron.)
Hermione: Oh, Ron! I love you too!
Ron: Huh? I thought number three was Luna! Can I re-choose?
Me: Nope. Too late. Your stuck with her.
Hermione: You don't love me? (Tears fill her eyes)
Ron: Well….. er
Hermione: (Looks up hopefully)
(Ron remembers how Hermione's parents are rich)
Ron: Yes! I do love you! (Dollar signs appear in Ron's eyes)
Hermione (not noticing): Horray!!!!!!!!!
Me: Okay um where's that Laura kid?
Ron: You mean Luna?
Me: Whatever. No ones name is as important as mine.
Random person in the audience: WHAT ABOUT ME?
Me: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU!
Same random person in audience: WAAAA!! (Runs out in tears)
Me: Yay! That's the second emotional break-down I've caused today!
Hermione: What about Luna and Fleur?
Me: Oh rite. (Opens door number two and find Luna sitting there as if nothings happened)
Me: Er, hello.
Luna: Oh hello.
Me: Would you like to come out?
Luna: If you need me to. (everyone leaves and goes back onstage)
Hermione: And Fleur?
Me: Oh alright. (Guards pick up Fleur and drop her in a bin backstage labeled 'Emergency Trash')
Me: So um….yeah. Get off my stage. It's almost time for our final round.
Luna: (Doesn't care) Oh alright.
Ron: Let's go shopping!
Ron: Er, I love you?
Hermione: Let's go!
Ron: (Thinking of how hot and sexy he'll look on his new broom)
(They walk off happily, dollar signs still in Ron's eyes)
Me: And we'll be rite back!
CHAPTER THREE- UH-OH
Me: And now let's welcome our final guest, Minerva McGonagall!
(McGonagall walks out angrily)
Me: (Pleasantly) Have a seat. (Smiles)
McGonagall: No! I will not have some Oprah Winfrey wanna-be threatening me to come on a Dating Show!
Audience: Opro Who?
McGonagall: Never mind.
Me: Anyway! Let's start!
Me: (Holds up McGonagall's diary) I'll read it…
McGonagall: You wouldn't dare.
Me: (Starts reading loudly) August 13th, 1982 It was cold. Albus was wearing a very sexy coat today. Mink, I believe-
McGonagall: OKAY! Okay! (She sits down angrily) May I have that back please?
Me: Not until we're done. (Motions to guard to come over.)
Guard: Yeah, boss?
Me: (Whispers) Make three photo copies of this. (Slips diary) And hurry!
Guard: Yes boss. (Guard skips off in girlie way)
McGonagall: What was that all about?
Me: I was uh, ordering lunch.
Me: Let's just begin. Bachelor #1 is a former Durmstrang student!
Viktor Krum from behind door #1: Vhat eez going on? Hey! Vhy am I tied up?! Vere eez Hermie-on?
Me: Nice, huh?
McGonagall: A student? That's just wrong!
Me: And what, may I ask, is write with this show?
McGonagall: Well, uh
Me: Exactly my point. Moving on! Bachelor #2!
Familiar voice behind door number two: Hey Minnie!
McGonagall: Oh, no. Please no.
Voice behind door #2: You know you want me!!! (Begins banging on door proclaiming his love for Professor McGonagall.)
Me: Yes, indeed! And last! Bachelor #3!
Dumbledore: Hello! Thrilled to be here! I like sports, books, and odd words!
McGonagall: (Gasps) Albus!
Me: NO REVEALING IDENITIES YET!!!
McGonagall: (Sighs) Oh fine. (Says in dull voice) Oh gee, I wonder who it could ever be.
Me: That's the spirit! Now choose!
McGonagall: Three! Number three!
(Dumbledore walks out)
Me: Uh, no! Never mind! Pick again!
Me: (Pulls lever and Dumbledore is shot outside by cannon and is locked out) Now pick again!
Me: (Pulls out diary again) AND BOY HOW I LOVE MINK COATS-
McGonagall: OH FINE! Number two I guess.
Me: Minerva McGonagall you've chosen, Sirius Black!
(Sirius struts out and throws himself at McGonagall)
McGonagall: Ew! Get off me, Black! And take a bath every now and then, for heavens sake!
Sirius: Oh Minnie! I love you too!
(Viktor Krum bursts out from behind door #1)
Viktor: VERE EEZ HERMY-OH-NINY?
Me: Uh, she's right there! (Points at McGonagall)
Viktor: That eez Hermy-own-ninny?
Me: Uh, well, she got plastic surgery! A LOT of plastic surgery!
Viktor: (Runs over to McGonagall and begins kissing her.)
McGonagall: GET THEM OFF ME!
Me: No way!
Me: Well, since you asked so nicely…..NO!!!
(McGonagall, Viktor, and Sirius fall into a mud pitt and all begin wrestling)
Me: HEY! NO! THAT'S FOR LATER! GUARDS!!!
(Guards take the three mud covered people and lock them all in cages.)
McGonagall: GET ME OUT OF HERE!! I WILL SUE!!!!
Me: I can't heeeere yoooou.
Sirius: Weee! A box!
Viktor: Geet me out of here!
Me: Join us tonight at 6 for Fight-To-The-Death-Mud-Wrestling! I'm hpfangurl2993! Thanks for watching!
(Music begins to play with McGonagall and Viktor still screaming in the background)