THE LOVE LINK

CHAPTER ONE- THE GAME OF LOVE

Me: Hello and welcome to The Hogwarts Game Of Love!! I'm your host, hpfangurl12993!

Audience: Who?

Me: Oh shut up! So what if I wasn't in any of the books! You can all go DIE!

Audience (Mumbling): Anger issues……

Me: OKAY! Let's bring out our first contestant, Harry Potter!

Audience: AAHHH HES SO HOT!

(Harry is being dragged out by huge body-guards and is tied to a chair.)

Harry: HEY GET OFF ME!

Me: You agreed to come.

Harry: YOU THREATENED TO KILL ME!

Me: I was persuasive.

Harry: You held a knife to my throat!

Me: OKAY MOVING ON!!!! Now let's see about who's behind door number one!

Girl sounding exactly like Hermione behind door number 1: GET OFF ME! STOP IT! I WILL CALL THE ATHORITES!

Harry: Hermione?

Girl sounding exactly like Hermione behind door number 1: Harry?

Me: HEY! No admitting identities just yet! Okay Bachelorette number one likes Sushi, cold winter nights, and hates books!

Girl sounding exactly like Hermione behind door number 1: I do not hate books! I love books!

Me: That's not what you said in the interview!

Girl sounding exactly like Hermione behind door number 1: What interview?

Me: ANYWAY…… Bachelorette number two!

Person sounding exactly like Ron behind door number 2: STOP TRYING TO TIE ME TO THE BLOODY CHAIR!

(Bodyguards tie him up anyway and take his wand.) DIE!!!!!

Me: Bachelorette number two is-

Person sounding exactly like Ron behind door number 2: I'M A MAN!!!!!!

Me: Oh details, details.

Random person in the audience: I LOVE YOU RUPERT!!!

Person sounding exactly like Ron behind door number 2: Who's Rupert?

Me: MOVING ON….. Bachelorette number three!

Oddly cold and excited voice behind door number 3: Where's Potter? I want him! What? Sit here and I can see him in a second? Okay! (Cold excited voice sits down excitedly.)

Me: Okay Harry! Pick your soul mate and you win a dream date to Ireland!

Harry: I don't want any of them!

Me: I SAID PICK!!!! ONE, TWO, OR THREE?

Harry: I DON'T WANT ANY OF THEM!!!

(People in audience start shouting out numbers that Harry should pick.)

Me: I'll give you a year's supply of Bud Lite if you choose!

Harry: Beer? How did you know I was an alcoholic? I mean! Um, ew- yuck! None for me! (Harry's eyes continue to linger on the case of Bud Lite across the stage.)

Me: Well, your anorexic French friend told us!

Harry: Huh?

Me: Um Floe? (Checks script for name) Oh Fleur, whatever. I knew it was some weird random French name.

Harry: Fleur's not anorexic.

Me: (Smiles knowingly) Yes, and I'm ugly.

Harry: So you get it!

Me: JUST PICK A DOOR OR NO BEER!

Harry: Oh fine…. Um

Person sounding exactly like Ron behind door number 2: NOT ME!

Cold excited voice from behind door #3: Me! Me! MEEE!

Harry: Oh alright, door 3.

Me: Harry Potter, meet your dream date! Misssstttteeeeerrrr Malfoy! (Draco walks out from behind door #3 grinning.)

Malfoy: Hello gorgeous!

Harry: MALFOY??!? WHAT THE HELL?

Malfoy: Oh Harry dear, don't be frightened. You know we were meant to be. (Draco starts stroking Harry's cheek.)

Harry: No! I'm in love with…um...with… what's her name again?

Hermione still tied up behind door #1: GINNY, YOU IDIOT! GINNY! GINNY! GINNY!

(Ginny is knocked out unconscious back-stage and tied up, locked in a closet)

Draco: Who cares? I love you.

Audience: NO I LOVE YOU! MARRY ME, HARRY!

Harry: Well……

Draco: I'll be the wife. And I'll make you homemade beer everyday.

Harry: Done!

Audience: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Me: (Quickly changes to Priest costume)

Hermione (still tied up but moved onto stage so she can watch): Hey! Girls' can't be Priests'!

Me: WHOS SHOW IS THIS?

Ron (Tied up next to Hermione): It's a lost cause. Let's just be supportive.

Hermione: Shut up! (Tries to hit Ron but fails because of ropes)

Me: Ronald! Lovely attitude! You may have some beer!

(Pours some beer into bowl and hands to bodyguard who holds in front of Ron.)

Ron: Yay! (Ron begins to stick his head in the bowl and lap up beer like a dog.)

Me: Moving rite along……

(Draco is now in an ugly pink dress holding a bouquet of dead flowers. Harry is next to him in a powder-blue jumpsuit.)

Draco: Let's go!

Me: Okay. Harry Say 'I do.'

Harry: Maybe we should re-think this….

Hermione: Yes! (Guard sticks a gag in Hermione's mouth)

Draco: Homemade beer……..

Harry: I do!

Me: Draco-

Draco: I do!!!!

Me: Okay by me, I say, you're married! (Hands both a piece of paper with their names written in blue crayon and the word 'marryd' on it.) Here are your marriage licenses'!

Hermione (Choking): Hgmppmhh!!!!!

(Ron has passed out from the beer and is now leaning head first into the beer bowl)

Me: Loosen it. If she dies we could be sued.

(Guards remove the gag)

Hermione: That isn't a real marriage license! And you spelt 'Marriage' wrong!

Me: SHUT UP OR THE GAG COMES BACK!

Hermione: You shut up!

Audience: (Gasps)

(Guards begin poking Hermione with wand tip)

Hermione: OW! STOP IT! Okay, okay! I'll be quiet! Just stop poking me in the eye!

(Harry and Draco climb onto a magic carpet and fly off into the sunset to Ireland holding hands.)

Every member of the audience even the old people and guys: NOOOOO!!! HARRY I LOVE YOU!!!

CHAPTER TWO- THE NEXT LOVEBIRD

Me: And we're back! Please welcome our next contestant, and old bachelorette, Roonil Wazlib!

(Ron walks out happy to finally be freed from earlier.)

Me: Welcome!

Ron: Glad to be here!

Me: Ready to get started?

Ron: Yeah! (Moves eyebrows trying to look sexy.)

Me: Um are you okay? Do you need to see a doctor?

Ron: (is deathly afraid of doctors') NOOO THEY'LL KILL ME!

Me: Um, okay.

Ron: Uh, yeah. Just continue.

Me: Okay! If you want Ron to be the next American Idol just text the numbers 2252 to-

Ron: Uh wrong show.

Me: Oops! Sorry, that's tomorrow. Anyway, Bachelorette number one!

(Fleur is hanging by her ankles behind door #1)

Fleur: Geet away from me, you oaf!

Ron: Oh she sounds feisty!

(Fleur starts to whimper loudly)

Me: Whoever brought a dog here, get it OUT!

Ron: I like dogs.

Me: Who cares? Bachelorette number two!

Luna from behind door #2: Hello. I'm glad to be here.

Ron: Why isn't she fighting?

Me: She said she didn't have anything better to do.

Ron: Er, okay.

Me: And finally bachelorette number three!

(Hermione is behinds door 3 tied up and blushing furiously)

Hermione: Err, Hello.

Ron: BO-RING!!!!

Me: Okay and the next American Idol is….

Everyone in audience, on stage, and camera crew: WRONG SHOW!!!!!

Me: SORRY! I HAVE A HECTIC LIFE!

Ron: Uh….

Me: Just pick a number.

Ron: 1,256!

Me: Pick a number 1 through 3, idiot.

Girl in audience: I WILL LOVE YOU FORVER RUPERT!!!

Ron: Who is this Rupert person?!?

Me: Never mind. Just PICK!!!!

Ron: Oh, okay. Why didn't you just ask? Umm….. (Ron closes his eyes) Ennie meenie minie mo……number…….one!

(Fleur is dropped from the ceiling onto her head.)

Fleur: AAAAHHH!!! BLOOD EEZ EVERYWERE! CALL ZE HEALERS!

Me: Okay, uh, no. Ron, since bachelorett number one is almost dead, pick another!

Ron: Okay, um three!

Me: Ronald, please meet your soul mate Hermioneeeeee Grangeeerrr!

(Hermione walks out and hugs Ron.)

Hermione: Oh, Ron! I love you too!

Ron: Huh? I thought number three was Luna! Can I re-choose?

Me: Nope. Too late. Your stuck with her.

Hermione: You don't love me? (Tears fill her eyes)

Ron: Well….. er

Hermione: (Looks up hopefully)

(Ron remembers how Hermione's parents are rich)

Ron: Yes! I do love you! (Dollar signs appear in Ron's eyes)

Hermione (not noticing): Horray!!!!!!!!!

Me: Okay um where's that Laura kid?

Ron: You mean Luna?

Me: Whatever. No ones name is as important as mine.

Random person in the audience: WHAT ABOUT ME?

Me: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU!

Same random person in audience: WAAAA!! (Runs out in tears)

Me: Yay! That's the second emotional break-down I've caused today!

Hermione: What about Luna and Fleur?

Me: Oh rite. (Opens door number two and find Luna sitting there as if nothings happened)

Me: Er, hello.

Luna: Oh hello.

Me: Would you like to come out?

Luna: If you need me to. (everyone leaves and goes back onstage)

Hermione: And Fleur?

Me: Oh alright. (Guards pick up Fleur and drop her in a bin backstage labeled 'Emergency Trash')

Me: So um….yeah. Get off my stage. It's almost time for our final round.

Luna: (Doesn't care) Oh alright.

Ron: Let's go shopping!

Hermione: Why?

Ron: Er, I love you?

Hermione: Let's go!

Ron: (Thinking of how hot and sexy he'll look on his new broom)

(They walk off happily, dollar signs still in Ron's eyes)

Me: And we'll be rite back!

CHAPTER THREE- UH-OH

Me: And now let's welcome our final guest, Minerva McGonagall!

(McGonagall walks out angrily)

Me: (Pleasantly) Have a seat. (Smiles)

McGonagall: No! I will not have some Oprah Winfrey wanna-be threatening me to come on a Dating Show!

Audience: Opro Who?

McGonagall: Never mind.

Me: Anyway! Let's start!

McGonagall: No!

Me: (Holds up McGonagall's diary) I'll read it…

McGonagall: You wouldn't dare.

Me: (Starts reading loudly) August 13th, 1982 It was cold. Albus was wearing a very sexy coat today. Mink, I believe-

McGonagall: OKAY! Okay! (She sits down angrily) May I have that back please?

Me: Not until we're done. (Motions to guard to come over.)

Guard: Yeah, boss?

Me: (Whispers) Make three photo copies of this. (Slips diary) And hurry!

Guard: Yes boss. (Guard skips off in girlie way)

McGonagall: What was that all about?

Me: I was uh, ordering lunch.

McGonagall: Oh.

Me: Let's just begin. Bachelor #1 is a former Durmstrang student!

Viktor Krum from behind door #1: Vhat eez going on? Hey! Vhy am I tied up?! Vere eez Hermie-on?

Me: Nice, huh?

McGonagall: A student? That's just wrong!

Me: And what, may I ask, is write with this show?

McGonagall: Well, uh

Me: Exactly my point. Moving on! Bachelor #2!

Familiar voice behind door number two: Hey Minnie!

McGonagall: Oh, no. Please no.

Voice behind door #2: You know you want me!!! (Begins banging on door proclaiming his love for Professor McGonagall.)

Me: Yes, indeed! And last! Bachelor #3!

Dumbledore: Hello! Thrilled to be here! I like sports, books, and odd words!

McGonagall: (Gasps) Albus!

Me: NO REVEALING IDENITIES YET!!!

McGonagall: (Sighs) Oh fine. (Says in dull voice) Oh gee, I wonder who it could ever be.

Me: That's the spirit! Now choose!

McGonagall: Three! Number three!

(Dumbledore walks out)

Me: Uh, no! Never mind! Pick again!

McGonagall: No!

Me: (Pulls lever and Dumbledore is shot outside by cannon and is locked out) Now pick again!

McGonagall: No!

Me: (Pulls out diary again) AND BOY HOW I LOVE MINK COATS-

McGonagall: OH FINE! Number two I guess.

Me: Minerva McGonagall you've chosen, Sirius Black!

(Sirius struts out and throws himself at McGonagall)

McGonagall: Ew! Get off me, Black! And take a bath every now and then, for heavens sake!

Sirius: Oh Minnie! I love you too!

(Viktor Krum bursts out from behind door #1)

Viktor: VERE EEZ HERMY-OH-NINY?

Me: Uh, she's right there! (Points at McGonagall)

Viktor: That eez Hermy-own-ninny?

Me: Uh, well, she got plastic surgery! A LOT of plastic surgery!

Viktor: (Runs over to McGonagall and begins kissing her.)

McGonagall: GET THEM OFF ME!

Me: No way!

McGonagall: Please!

Me: Well, since you asked so nicely…..NO!!!

(McGonagall, Viktor, and Sirius fall into a mud pitt and all begin wrestling)

Me: HEY! NO! THAT'S FOR LATER! GUARDS!!!

(Guards take the three mud covered people and lock them all in cages.)

McGonagall: GET ME OUT OF HERE!! I WILL SUE!!!!

Me: I can't heeeere yoooou.

Sirius: Weee! A box!

Viktor: Geet me out of here!

Me: Join us tonight at 6 for Fight-To-The-Death-Mud-Wrestling! I'm hpfangurl2993! Thanks for watching!

(Music begins to play with McGonagall and Viktor still screaming in the background)

THE END!!!