Disclaimer: Belongs to JK Rowling
19th February 1996
I saw him this morning, at breakfast. How I wanted to go and talk to him, try and apologise. Apologise for letting my mouth run away from me. I know now that I was being unreasonable, overly emotional. But this year has been hard, harder than I ever imagined it would be. I knew it would be difficult coming here after what happened at the end of last year, I just thought if things worked out with Harry it would make it all better to some extent. It isn't easier, I feel guilty, guilty that Harry can make me happy, just seeing his eyes light up with pride as I cast the spell right. I feel like I'm flying when that happens, and then someone mentions him, Cedric.
Here I am being happy, with the one who was with him when he died. I know Cedric would want me to be happy, he'd insist upon it. I was just starting to think I could let it go, and truly be myself around Harry, and then I took him there. The one place that I went with Cedric, I knew it was a mistake as soon as we sat down. I was a nervous wreck, I was talking about absolute nonsense, and then I brought Cedric into the conversation. I know it made him uncomfortable, but I couldn't stop myself. It all went downhill from there.
I stuffed up big time, I need to make it up to him, I really want to.
23rd February 1996
I feel awful, I knew I had it wrong. And now I know how wrong. It wasn't that he was meeting Hermione on a date, I should have known that, they are just friends. How could I have been so stupid? The Harry I have come to know would never treat me that way, go out on a date with me to that god-awful place, and then have plans with another girl straight after. I wouldn't be surprised if he never wanted to speak to me again.
I am so glad he did what he did though, the thing that makes this so much harder than it is, is people denying what happened to Cedric. It's not fair to the memory of him, the wonderful memories some many of us have of him, to slander him, and take the honour away from him. He wasn't stupid, or foolish. And now, Harry has done the most wonderful thing. He has put the truth out there, so that people know what really happened. As I sat there hearing what was in the article, I could see Umbridge making her way to him. It wouldn't be pretty when she realised what was happening, but I'm so proud of Harry for standing firm. Standing his ground, he really is brave.
I admire that about him, he's much braver than I could ever be.
30th March 1996
I think for sure it's over now. It's not entirely my fault, but I haven't helped it. My own stupid, selfish pride. I've ruined it. No thanks of course to Marie, I'm most disappointed in her. I can't believe she would intentionally set out to do this, I think she was pressured into doing it. From who I don't know, but someone pushed her into it. No matter how she felt about Harry, she knew how I felt.
I'm afraid I didn't hold my temper when I was speaking with Harry earlier, that didn't help things. What's done is done, whatever Harry and I could have had is gone. I don't know why this keeps happening to me, I find someone, someone wonderful, who makes me happy, makes me feel things I never imagined feeling. And then something comes along and destroys it. It's almost as if the universe is against me, can't let me just have my own slice of heaven.
If only I'd been different before, maybe Harry and I could have been stronger together, and this thing wouldn't have caused the disturbance that pushed between us. Maybe it would have, maybe not. Now I'll never know.
I'm just so sick of this, I'm not asking for much, just a little something for me. That's not asking too much is it?