Author's Note: (If you also read Forced Love and have already read the most recent chapter, you may well skip this). This is going to be a long note, dearies. I can't believe I'm doing this. For Oz's sake, I'm 21 and writing fanfiction! By the time I had turned nineteen, more than two and a half years ago, I believe I had basically forsaken the idea of these. Part of this was because I had my own love life to deal with. I had to learn the things that Elphaba was learning in my stories. I, unfortunately, did not find my Fiyero too easily and I had a pretty hard time of it. I went through more than Elphie did in most of my stories (excepting what happened in "It All Started At Shiz").
Currently, I am in a long distance relationship with a man I will be moving in with in the coming months. He just bought us a house. So Fiyero-like! He's not nearly as clingy as Fiyero might be, but I still love him! I'm not exactly the perfect Elphaba, either. I've noticed I write this stuff better when I'm single, or, in this case, far enough away from my boyfriend that I really need something else to satisfy my sad need for romance.
I'm in college now. For the majority of the time I wrote those fanfictions, I was in high school. I am graduating this year with a degree in (you guessed it, my loving fans) CREATIVE WRITING. My specialty is not fiction (I have to steal other people's characters to write good fiction) but creative nonfiction (memoir or essays).
My life has been darker than the things I write. While bad things happen to my characters in my stories, it is only to move the story along and they always end up happy. But unfortunately, I am not Elphaba. I am not Glinda (although I've been told I should play her one day). I gave up on my dream of musical theatre. I was cheated on and used by my first love. I struggle with mental disease. You don't see that in my writing. I could NEVER let Elphaba or Fiyero actually cheat on one another, not in my stories. They are my ideal couple. Those of you who have read everything know that things have happened where Elphaba and Fiyero may have been separated or almost hurt one another, but I'd have never let them… it's sad to see that even the characters in my stories stop themselves when the boy I loved didn't. And though both Elphaba and Fiyero are not exactly normal, I don't exactly give them a mental disease. Elphaba is much stronger and independent than I am, and I've noticed that sometimes in my stories I give her or Fiyero some of the codependency issues I struggle with.
Oh, dears, enough with this, right, loves? I was reading through my old stories, and there are some, I'm sorry to say, that I have to simply give up on. I am not the innocent sweet (and very sexually curious) girl I was when I wrote those. Some can be salvaged. Some cannot. But reading your reviews on my old stories made me realize how much you guys appreciated me, how much I felt special here. I can't promise I'll even continue after this chapter – I have to write my thesis this semester, and 50 pages of depressing parts of my life can take a lot out of me and after that I will again be busy with my own love life, and getting married (I hope) and having children and such and teaching English (sweet Oz, wouldn't it be creepy if I ended up having a student for a fan?) – but I want you to know that I think of you. And this is for you.
Chapter Twenty-Three: Confession
Elphaba was finally sleeping again. It was lucky that she had been so strongly focused on school, for Fiyero worried that those weeks of troubled nights might have caused her to fall behind, but she had done just as well as ever. He wondered if maybe she'd been studying while she was supposed to be sleeping. He certainly wouldn't be surprised.
Glinda came to the room one Saturday afternoon, hoping to have some alone time with Elphaba. She knew that something had plagued her friend, though she knew not to push her to tell. But she wanted to be there in case Elphaba needed to talk to someone outside of Fiyero.
Fiyero, understanding that Elphaba did like to be alone with her friend and admitting that he wasn't her entire life, went to study with Boq in the lounge, squeezing Elphaba's shoulder before he left.
Glinda made to sit down on the bed, reconsidered and sat in a chair nearby.
Elphaba laughed. "We do wash the sheets, you know. Did you ever sit on your parents' bed?"
Glinda's eyes widened. "Ew!"
"Okay, wrong thing to say…"
"It's okay." Glinda sighed. "It's nice to see you laugh."
"What do you mean?"
"You haven't been the same lately. I mean, there was that whole thing with you sitting by Suicide Canal for forty eight hours and almost killing yourself and then you seemed okay for a bit, but since you got back from visiting Fiyero's family you just don't seem right."
It was Elphaba's turn to sigh. "I guess I owe you an explanation, at least for the Suicide Canal thing."
Glinda nodded. "I was so scared. Are you and Fiyero okay? Is he doing something to you? He seems so nice but sometimes you can't tell and…"
"Glinda! Fiyero would never hurt me. That is not what's going on. Got it?"
"Then what is it? Are you pregnant or something?"
Elphaba winced. "Well, no. Not anymore."
"When you two found me by Suicide Canal, Fiyero and I had been in an argument. He was mad at me because…" Elphaba took a deep breath.
"He got mad at you because you were pregnant?"
"No. He got mad at me because I wasn't."
"Glinda, I… I had an abortion."
"We're in school. This is my life. I need to finish. But I also… I wish…"
Glinda took Elphaba's hand. "Oh, Elphie, I understand. I'm so sorry." She hugged her friend.
"There's more…" Elphaba began.
"Hey, Fiyero?" Boq asked, looking at the dark skinned boy over his book.
"Do you think Glinda will ever like me?"
"I have no idea. Why would you ask me?"
"Because she seemed so eager to talk to Elphie lately. I figure that maybe she told Elphie stuff and Elphie told you…"
"First of all, if Elphaba told me one of Glinda's secrets, I would not be allowed to repeat it to you. Second of all, that's not what they're talking about. Elphaba is just a little stressed out right now and I think Glinda noticed."
"What's wrong with her?" Boq asked, genuinely concerned.
Fiyero tried to find a way to say something without telling Boq what had happened at home. He knew that it was Elphaba's decision to talk about it in detail if she should so wish. "There were some problems with my father at home…"
"I heard he passed away. I'm really sorry for your loss."
Fiyero waved it away. "Elphaba and him didn't really get along."
"Doesn't look like you and he did, either," Boq observed.
"It's just that, well, you haven't seemed too upset about the whole thing and just then you really didn't even seem to care."
"He was my father." Fiyero said, not quite sure what he was trying to say.
"But he didn't like Elphaba?"
"He thought that she was too headstrong."
"And that bothers her?"
Fiyero sighed. "Okay, this is a long story, but I'll keep it short. He tired to hurt Elphaba – a lot."
"I'm not going into it. But, Boq…" The guilt sometimes hurt him. He couldn't tell Elphaba because he knew she'd feel like it was her fault and he didn't want her to be burdened with that. He knew he'd done it to protect her and if he had to go back, he would've done it all over again. But did he have to actually kill him? Fiyero tossed his book to the floor. "Fuck!"
"Dude, what's wrong?" Boq looked at Fiyero, alarmed.
"I killed him, Boq. I killed him to stop him from hurting her anymore," he blurted.
"Oh, sweet Oz!" Boq was taken aback. "Fiyero, I didn't know. I'm sorry for bugging you about it. I mean…"
"No, it's okay. I needed to tell someone. Only Elphaba and my mother know."
"You did it to save her, right?"
"And you know he would've kept trying to hurt her?"
"Yes. That was the second time he'd gone after her. I'd already warned him once. I'd actually stabbed him."
Boq's eyes were wide. "He never would've stopped, dude, you said it yourself. It is not your fault. She was in danger."
Fiyero nodded. Although he had known that himself, told it to himself dozens of times, hearing it from someone outside the whole thing made it different. "He was hurting her when I walked in."
"No wonder she's so upset. What did he do? Was he, like, punching her?"
Fiyero closed his eyes for a moment. "It's not that simple. But I can't go into, okay?"
Misunderstanding, Boq said, "Oh, yeah, sorry, memories might upset you. It's okay."
Fiyero knew that, yes, memories would bother him, but he wasn't speaking about it for Elphaba's sake, not for his. "Thanks, Boq. I really needed to say that."
Glinda couldn't believe what Elphaba had told her. "I… I see now. I'm glad he's dead."
Elphaba shook her head. "I am. But I'm not."
Glinda cocked her head, blonde curls shaking.
"I wish Fiyero hadn't had to… to do what he did. He doesn't talk about it, but he's upset by the whole thing, probably a lot more than I am."
"After what that man did to you?"
"I can handle a lot of things, Glinda. And Fiyero's been very understanding. But killing someone… that's not quite the same. It's not like he exactly raped me. I mean, he kind of… well, first of all, oh, Oz I hate talking about this!"
"It's okay. You don't have to," Glinda said gently.
"No, no. He did do things, with this… thing, not with his own body. But he didn't touch me… there. He touched other things. And he threatened me. He threatened to rip out my tongue and my…" Elphaba shuddered.
Glinda was quiet. It wasn't like Elphaba to talk so much, especially about something like this. She knew that usually when something was upsetting Elphaba, she usually just kept it to herself. "Elphie, I'm so sorry. But thank you for telling me this. I was so worried, and I still am, but… I'm just glad I know that no one's going to hurt you anymore."
Elphaba smiled. It had been kind of strange. But she had needed to tell someone. As much as she loved and trusted Fiyero, the confidences they shared were different from what she shared with Glinda. Even the most stubborn and lonely girl needs a friend, especially after a trauma. "Thanks, Glinda."
Fiyero reentered the room hesitantly. "Is it okay if I'm back?"
Glinda smiled at him. "Yes. I think Elphaba probably is getting sick of me."
"I'm not!" Elphaba shook her head, but she was smiling.
"Well, I do think that I should go. But please, Elphie, if you need me…"
Glinda left and Fiyero stared after her for a moment. "She hasn't been that respectful towards me in a while."
"She thought that you… oh, never mind. It's cleared up now."
"I love you. And I know what you did wasn't easy, and I know it's still not easy."
"Elphaba, don't, it's not your…" Fiyero reached for her.
She took his hand. "I know. But it wasn't your fault, either."
"I think I'm beginning to understand that now." He said quietly.
AN: Not sure how I feel about this. I do feel like Fiyero definitely needed someone else to talk to, but not sure if Elphaba would've. I tried to keep her in character, but her having this kind of chat with Glinda is a little unprecedented! Anyway, I hope you guys like. I will be trying to write more and get some more Fiyeraba out there. I just thought that we don't see enough of Elphaba's relationship with Glinda here and that Glinda, being as perceptive as she is, would know that Elphaba had been through something. And I think that, maybe, Elphaba would say something. I think she said it more not because she needed to talk about what Fiyero's dad did, but because she was worried about Fiyero and how he felt.