"What the hell?" he uttered, backing slowly away from me. "Get away - you weirdo!"

I was a child again - 5? 6? something like that - and had just told Haruki (the most beautiful boy in our class) that I thought I liked him. His reaction was to completely freak out and throw a toy kunai at me.

After Ryu and Hiro did the same thing, I decided that maybe I should stop telling people that I was gay.

So here I was back again, sitting alone in my living room, thinking over the days where I could be open and honest. And now I am alone, hidden behind the mask of a smile, pretending I like a girl with hair of sakura blossoms when it takes all of my strength not to jump on the stoic teen next to her.

Sasuke has always been handsome. There's no doubt about it. From his raven black locks to his dark-as-ice sapphire eyes, Sasuke has something… alluring about him. A dark beauty hidden beneath pale skin. Sasuke was someone who hid in the dreams between nightmares, almost haunting, more than beautiful.

And it's now been more than three years since I fell in love with him.

Not that he'll ever know. He can't know. Nobody can know. If they knew that I - Uzumaki Naruto - was queer, and not only that - but also in love with my supposed rival, then... I can't even begin to imagine the consequences.

Anyway, I don't even know if I'm really gay. How am I supposed to know if I'm gay? So I like Sasuke, well, who doesn't? How can you not like Sasuke? He may be a bastard, but he's damn good at being a bastard, and how hot does he look in shorts?

But it does go deeper than that. He isn't just hot (very, very, very hot), he's also kind (when necessary), strong (when not spazzing out over his brother), and he's my first best friend. Damnit, he's my first real friend. He's the first friend who recognised me. He's the first friend who feared me over-taking him, because he's the first person who realised I could. He's the first person who realised I would.

So he may not be nice, but sweet nothings don't hold a candle on everything he gave me. And… I love him. I actually love him.

Ah, this is stupid. This is just retarded. He's broken and scared and straight and I love him and… bleh. My life is like over. It's seriously like… over.

"Naruto!" Sakura yelled from the other room.

"What?" I replied. This always happens when I muse over Sasuke, someone always interrupts. Always.

"I'm going out now, and you agreed to clean the apartment. I want it spotless on my return!"

This is why people should never live with a girl. I am fine having a dirty house, perfectly happy with it. Sasuke isn't exactly pleased with untidiness, but as long as his room - which he cleans himself - remains pristine, he can deal with the mess of the apartment.

Sakura, apparently, can't. And supposedly it's only fair if we all take turns cleaning.

Groaning, I pulled myself to my feet, and stumbled over to the cupboard under the stairs, where all our stuff was held.

"I'll be back soon," Sakura said. "And Sasuke's making dinner tonight, so you don't have to worry about that. And if you missed a spot, I swear I will kill you!"

She said it threateningly, yet still managed to flash a smile before she was out the door.

Sighing again, I delved into the cupboard, looking for the mop hidden somewhere in the dark.

Sasuke was like the mop. He's hidden in the dark, and I can't find him.

I like that analogy. It's a good analogy. It's just true. He's so moody and is constantly upset or stressed or something. Even after everything, even on his return, even though -

Shit. Was that the door? Did the door just close? Why is it so dark? Is there no light switch in here? How come there's no light switch in here?

Well shit, I'm locked in a bloody closet. Whilst reflecting on my closet situation. I'm a closet-gay in a closet. Well this is just great, isn't it? This is just bloody great.

How am I supposed to get out of here? How did it lock anyway, I swear it doesn't have a lock. When did we buy the closet a lock? Why did we buy the closet a lock?

I bet it was so this would happen. Sakura and Sasuke so saw this coming.

There's no use yelling. Everyone's out of the house, aren't they?


Nope, no-one in. Bugger. Okay, alright, I'll think this through logically. Oh, I know what I have to do! I have to admit that I'm gay, and the closet door will just pop open!

"I'm gay."

Damn, it always happens like that in the movies. Okay, fine, new plan. I'm a ninja, I can do this. I shadow replicate myself, and bang!, burst through the door like a good shinobi should. Right, fine, I'll do it!!

"Kage bunshin no jutsu!"



"I can't see!"




"Argh! You fell on me!"


"Hey, how'd you get a kunai in-"


"Ah, damnit, stop-"


"ARGH!" I yelled, lying on the floor, in pitch darkness, and complete loneliness. How in hell did they all manage to poof out? I don't get it! Them weak clones! Nothing on the real thing!

Bah. Fine. Plan B. Plan B, plan B, plan B. I can so find a plan B…

Oh! I'll summon Gama Bunta!

No, wait, that frog's pretty damn big, he'll probably break the house. Then Sakura definitely won't be happy. Fine, fine, I'll admit that's a bad idea. I just need something new.

I could Rasengan my arse out of here? But is that safe? I don't actually know where the door is… where is the door? Okay, I just have to feel around… it has to be here somewhere… it has to…


Wait! What was that? Was that the-


It's the front door! It's the front door! It's the front door!

Sakura's home!

"Oh, Sakura, my beautiful saviour!"

"Guess again, dobe."

What!? NOO!!! As if this isn't bad enough. As if the earth isn't already swallowing me up, now he has to see it? HIM!

"Where are you?"

How do I answer that? Where am I?


"Are you stuck under the stairs again?"


"Naruto, I can hear you."

"Oh, whatever! Let me out!"

"Hn. No."

"WHAT!? But I have to clean, or Sakura will cut my balls off!"

"Well, it's not like you're ever gonna need them."

Ouch. That was low.

"More likely than you, you anti-social bastard!"

"Hn… not gonna open the closet now."

"Wait… what!? No! Sasuke! SASUKE! Sasuke… gah! Don't you walk away from me! Sasuke! AH, SASUKE!!!"

Damnit, I was hoping the next time I'd scream his name would be better than this. Being stuck in a closet, with a roommate too retarded to open the damn door. How long would it take to just turn the lock? It wouldn't take any time! BLEH!

I don't get him. I just don't get him. I may love him, but that doesn't mean I have to like him. Or get him. He's such a complete bastard, even if he cared for me - even just slightly - we'd never be able to be together because he'd be all spazzed up. He's all scarred and scared and sometimes I just don't know what to do with him anymore. What am I supposed to do?

It's not like he'd care if he knew.


No, of course not. He'd freak out, like they all used to. Like they did when I was a kid. He doesn't care for me half as much as I care for him, he won't mind pushing me away. He won't care. In fact, he'd use it as a reason to get rid of me, he's been searching for one for so long. Then he'd have it.


Well, it's not like I'd know unless I did tell him. Maybe I should. Maybe that is why I was locked in here, to help remind me what I need to do. I can't find the mop in here unless I let in the light. I can't find Sasuke unless he let's himself be found. Unless he knows he needs to be found.

And it's not like he could really escape me. He's on my team, we live in the same house. I'm kind of unavoidable. And anyway, I've become his best friend. He wouldn't want to give that up, surely he couldn't give that up… surely… hopefully…

Yes! I'll do it! I'll escape and then I'll-

Wait. What's that? What am I sitting on? Is that a key? Shit, that's a key! Why is there a key in-

The door!! It's the key for the door! Sanctuary! Freedom! YES! Sweet gods, yes! Where's the door? I just have to feel and… yes! The door! The keyhole! The key!! Just a turn and yes!!!



"SASUKE!" I bounce over to him, grin wide on my face, hair frazzled, but free and happy and finally out.

"Sasuke, I'm gay! And not gay with glee, I'm gay with erotic feelings for men! And I don't care if you hate me because I'm gay and you just have to deal with that!"

"Oh. Okay. I'm gonna put dinner on now."

"No, please don't cry, I know it's hard to think but - wait, what? Okay?"

"Yeah… okay."



"As in okay, okay, like, fine?"



"Dobe. I've known you were gay for ages."

"…you have?"

"Come on, everyone knows."



"And they're fine with it?"


"And you're fine with it?"

"Well, I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't. Now, can I make dinner?"

"Yeah… I guess… sure. But wait, what d'you mean by that? How'd you be a hypocrite if you weren't fine with me being gay?"

"Never mind, Naruto. I'll go put dinner on."

Sasuke just smirked, and walked past me.

I really don't understand that guy.

Ah, Naruto's a little thick, ain't it? This is trash that's been unfinished on my computer for so long... I have seriously been waiting to write it for ages. And now it's finished! YAY! So tell me what you think!!

-More Crack from Quack-