Note: A continuation of sorts from Can You Just Hole Me? Let me know what you think, continue, don't continue? All responses appreciated.
I wasn't sure what I really wanted to say. I didn't know why exactly but I didn't want to go out today, and for me, that's weird.
"Hey, do you think maybe we can just hang out here today? I know we had planned on going out to the beach and stuff, but do you mind if we take a rain check on that?"
"Sure, but why? I mean, are you feeling okay? Is something wrong?"
"No. I don't know, I don't feel like talking much right now. I just want to relax some okay?"
"No problem. So lets get our relax on."
Sometimes she could be so cheesy, but I love her for it. I don't know why I was being so distant and down. My heart just wasn't in going out today. It kind of scared me a little. But I have Spencer here with me; I know I can always count on her. I just hope I can figure out what to tell her when she asks me what's going on, because I know her and she will ask again at some point. I don't want to be a bitch to her, and I don't want to lie. So I guess I better try and do something that has never come naturally for me – get in touch with my emotions. Man that sounds so tedious.
Almost an hour after just laying about in front of the TV and she speaks again.
"So Ash, are you sure there's nothing wrong. You can tell me, you know. It's okay; I won't judge you or push you away."
And there it is. See, I knew she would ask again. Do I know this girl or what? But back to the point, I have to figure out an answer, and I have no idea what to say.
"Spence, I'm fine, really."
She gave me that look; you know the one, with the little head tilt to accompany it. It love the way she does that. She looks so sincere and sad at the same time. I know she wants me to open up, but how can I when I don't even really know what's going on? So I decide to level with her.
"Alright, yes, something's wrong. But I don't exactly know what it is. I mean, it's totally nothing to do with you or us; I don't want to alarm you. It's just, I feel like, I don't know. Damn! Why does this have to be so hard?"
"Calm down Ash, I can see how much this is tearing you apart. So if it really is like you say it is, then I'll believe you. And I won't push it until you can figure out whatever it is you're trying to say. But just know that no matter what it is, I'm here for you, and I will always be. Not even the great Ashley Davies has the power to get me to leave this couch right now. So let's just continue our lazy day, and we'll talk later. I may not like it, but at least we're here, together, and there are no major life problems for us to be concerned about, right?"
"Right, I knew there was a reason I love you so much. How is it that you can be so understanding? If it were me I would be going crazy with frustration and wondering just what it was you had to say. But I promise you, as soon as I figure it out, I will tell you."
"Good, that's all I wanted to hear. And to tell you the truth, it might bother me a little, but it'll pass. Now, how did that guy get that thingy? Did I miss something or didn't that other dude have it before?"
"I don't know, just shut up and watch the movie, Spence."
I tossed a pillow at her and then she just took it and used it to make herself more comfortable, obviously making me jealous that she was now leaning away from me. She had this sweet smile across her face, basically taunting me because I had given up my head rest to throw at her. So I did the only logically thing I could do, I used her body as my pillow.
I snuggled up close to her, rested my head on her stomach and she startled running her fingers through my hair. God, I love it when she does that, it just makes me melt. I already knew I wasn't going to be watching the movie, and this was just another distraction. But now I had to get back to my thoughts, try and figure out what was bothering me. I hate feeling like I'm pushing Spencer away like this. And I know it hurts her too, when I can't tell her things, when I can't open up like she does to me. But there's just something about this girl that makes me want to work on myself. Why, I will never know, but I do know I have never felt this was about another person before, and even though it's new and scary, I want to hold on to it for dear life. I love her that much.
I wish Ashley was able to talk to me. I know she has a hard time in the emotion department. I mean, just look at her mother, how could anyone survive that woman through childhood and not be a little screwed up?
"I don't know, just shut up and watch the movie, Spence."
God, I love it when she calls me Spence. And see, of course I'm smiling now that she's snuggled up next to me, completely ignoring the fact that she just told me to shut up. But I know there was not malice behind her words, they were full of playfulness and warmth, with a little trace of sadness.
I know she feels bad about not being able to communicate like she wants to. And I know she wishes she could, and also wishes things didn't have to be so hard. But that's life, and if anyone can survive it, it's Ashley Davies. Sometimes when I'm with her, I can't help but think about the little I do know about her growing up, I know no one was really there for her. So she did what she had to in order to make it through. It's just sad that those walls still need to remain. I know she feels like she needs them, and I know that she wishes she could let me in completely, but she can't. And for some reason I can deal with that.
God help me, I love this girl so much. I know the pain she's been through and I know it will take time. So for her, I have all the time in the world, and even though it may be frustrating, hell it can be so annoying, I will always be here for her, because I really would rather be here with Ashley, even if we weren't talking, than anywhere else in the world.