Saving Sara Sidle
(I haven't written anything in over 3 months, so I'm going to apologize in advance for why this is so long. I'm finally getting over my rut.)
Disclaimer: Not mine
Spoilers: Unless you haven't seen both parts of 'Built to Kill' than no.
I don't remember when it started getting so bad. At first it was just a couple of tiny cuts on your arms…but then…then one night you came into the locker room and started changing your shirt, and I watched you from the corner of my eye, it's something I've found myself doing more and more over the past year, you're just so beautiful, but then I looked at your arms and wrists and they were covered in dozens of little slits. It was like they were a roadmap of your pain.
Before I knew it you pulled on a long sleeved shirt, you've been wearing a lot of those lately. And now I know why.
You turn around and walk out, flashing me a weak smile as you go. I almost start crying when I see your face. You look so defeated, so sad. Your eyes aren't even as bright as they used to be.
…God Sara, what's going on inside that head of yours?
I guess it all started when I first moved to Vegas. It was a new town, new job, new people. People who didn't even want me there in the first place…except Gil of course.
Catherine hated me instantly, which hurt, because I liked her the moment I laid eyes on her.
It's gotten better over the years. Which I'm grateful for. But that doesn't make everything go away.
In fact, one of the things that has gotten worse is my cutting. When I first started doing it I couldn't even watch let alone do it 2 or 3 times at once. But eventually I forced myself to watch and it just turned into this sick little fascination I had, but I still kept the cutting to a minimum. Reserved for when Catherine and I had a fight or I got a case I couldn't handle…or my nightmares came back.
Then Catherine told me. She called me one morning, which I found odd to begin with seeing as how she never calls me, and told me to come to this motel because something had happened. Gil and I were just about to go out to breakfast but as soon as she asked me to come I ran off without one word to Grissom as to where I was going.
When I got there she told me that she had been drugged and that she thought she had been raped and that I was the only person she was telling. It felt like the world stopped spinning that exact moment. Who the hell would do something that horrible to the woman I love? She didn't deserve it…she didn't deserve any of the things that happened to her after that either, but this was the worst. I wanted to just reach out and hold her and tell her that it was going to be ok, but she just wanted me to process the scene. I was speechless, so I just nodded and watched her walk off.
That night I went home and took my cutting a step further. I cut my wrists, pushed the blade in deeper, something I had never done before. I just wanted it all to end. I hated myself so much at the very moment. Not for what I was doing, but for what I didn't do. I didn't protect her; I wasn't there for her when I should've been. And neither was Nick! Dammit, he should've stayed with her! I should've gone out dancing with the two of them instead of going to dinner with Grissom!
Since Gil and I started dating I've been spending less and less time with Catherine and the rest of the team. I used to go out with them to the bars and just hang out, mainly to be around Catherine. This change wasn't because I felt any different about her, I just felt like because I was dating I was supposed to be committed to Gil.
The next day she told me that the rape kit turned out negative. I told her how glad I was to hear that and I hugged her. I actually hugged her! Something I haven't done since I broke up with Hank and she offered to buy me a drink. I went into the bathroom and hid in one of the stalls and cried. I don't think I've ever cried tears of relief before. It was different.
But that didn't stop the cutting. It only made it worse. It made it worse because she should've never felt that scared in the first place.
I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to go on doing this…living that is, but unless something changes for the better I have a feeling I'm not going to have to wait much longer.
I can't take this anymore, I have to go and talk to Sara. She's starting to scare me. She's been missing work more and more, and when she shows up she barely says a word to anyone, just Grissom.
I'm not blind. I know they've been dating, and that breaks my heart because I always kind of hoped there was a small chance that we could make it work. Overall I was surprised Gil was able to pull his head out of his ass long enough to finally do something about it and return her feelings.
I should've done something about my feelings for her a long time ago. But that doesn't matter now. Sara's hurting and she needs someone to talk to because it's obvious Gil doesn't notice how bad it is. Typical Grissom.
She didn't show up for shift today, which didn't surprise me, so I took off early and headed straight to her apartment, praying she wasn't doing anything she was going to regret.
I knocked on her door and what seemed like an eternity later she opened it and it took all my resolve not to hug her until she couldn't breathe and tell her it'd be ok because I was going to help her because it killed me to see her this hurt.
"What are you doing here Cath?" Her voice was shaky and could already smell alcohol on her breath. I thought she quit drinking?
"Can I come in?" I asked as calmly as my voice would allow. She looked at me for a moment before stepping aside. I walked in and she shut the door and led me to the couch where we both sat down. I spied an array of beer bottles on the coffee table and what looked like a razor blade sitting under one of them. I couldn't see her arms because she was wearing a sweater, and frankly, I was afraid to look.
"You want something to drink? Coffee, beer?"
"No, I'm good."
"You mind if I have one?" It was more of a statement than question.
"Actually I do." She flinched. That sounded a little harsher than I intended.
I sighed apologetically before continuing. "Sara I thought you quit drinking?"
She shrugged like this was the most casual question in the world. "Old habits die hard."
Ok, this conversation barely started and already it's headed downhill. I better just get down to business.
I move over on the couch so we're only a few inches apart and grab her hand. She tries to pull away but I don't let her. Instead I pull one of the sleeves of her sweater up to the elbow. Revealing what would have to be months of scars.
"What about this? This an old habit or a new hobby?" That time I meant for it to sound unkind. She had to get this through her head. She wasn't supposed to do this. Not when she has so many people around her that care about her…Not when I love her.
She looks at me before lowering her head. Her body starts shaking and before I know it she's sobbing uncontrollably. I pull her into my arms and let her cry for awhile before I ask her to tell me why's she's like this.
She tells me all of it. Her parents abusing her, growing up in foster care, how she couldn't stand when we fought, how scared she was when I told her I thought I was raped, and finally how unhappy she was in her relationship with Gil.- I was still holding her when she finished and slowly stopped crying, waiting for my reply.
I made her look at me and I cupped her face in my hands, wiping away the rest of her tears with my thumbs.
I took a minute to steady my voice and get my own tears to stop falling before I spoke.
"Sara, no one deserves to be that unhappy, you especially. You're such an amazing person and I can't believe how unbelievably lucky I am to know you. I don't want to see you hurting like this…I love you too much." A fresh wave of tears threatened to start falling and I had to clasp my hands together to keep them from shaking. "I-I don't want to lose you Sara."
"You…you love me?" Her voice sounded thin, like she couldn't actually grasp what she had just said.
I nodded, barely trusting my voice. "With all my heart."
She placed one of her hands on top of mine. "I love you too."
I didn't think I heard her right. She loves me? She actually loves me back! If this wasn't such a serious moment I think I'd jump up and start dancing around the room. But instead I just lean forward and kiss her softly. When oxygen becomes an issue I pull away but put my forehead to hers. She's got that cute little gap-toothed grin of hers splayed across her face. God, I missed that.
"So, you're going to let me help you get better?" I ask carefully.
She nods. "I think you already have."
I pull away and raise an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
She starts to explain. "Earlier, I was thinking that if something good didn't happen to me soon I wouldn't make it…but you're it Catherine, you're the good thing!"
I chuckle at how odd that last part sounded before kissing her again.
So I'm a good thing, huh? I can live with that. Just as long as I get to be Sara's good thing.
Like it? Hate it? Didn't even read it? Tell me!
(Sorry if anyone thought it was just boring exposition-type stuff. It was all crammed in my head. And I know the ending was kinda sappy but its all I had to work with.)