Disclaimers and Warnings: Me no own, you no sue. The song "Did I Shave my Legs for This?" is sung by Deanna Carter and owned by Capitol Records. Spoilers up to recent Manga chapters and speculation thereafter. THIS IS CRACKFIC.
Dedication: For ACDragonmaster, at her request for "15 things Tatsuki has learned about the 11th division" (Sorry darling, its only gonna be 10). She is really the only female who could handle those guys, ne?
Summary: An undisclosed time after recent events, Tatsuki finds herself a Shinigami...and a recent addition to the 11th division. This is the first in a series of 3 related oneshots. I will put them in like chapters..but they might not flow like them..
"Have some more Tatsu-chan!! Its not everyday you can drink with other women, ne?" Matsumoto Rangiku said cheerfully as she poured more sake in Tatsuki's bowl. "Now that you are an official member of our association you must tell us what it is like living with all of those men." Rangiku-san asked, her eyes glittering.
Ise Nanao cleared her throat, "Now Matsumoto-san," she began, pushing up her glasses, "we mustn't make Arisawa-san too uncomfortable on her first meeting."
Kiyone spoke up, "Oh, don't be a party
pooper, Nanao-san! She is the first real woman the 11th has
ever had! There is no telling what goes on over there!"
She stood up sloshing her sake, "She has a duty! We must
Isane put her hand on her sister's arm, while blushing at her antics, "Kiyone, please sit."
Tatsuki looked at all of the women assembled. Rukia spoke up, "Tatsuki, if you feel it would be violating the trust you have with your division..." Tatsuki shook her head, "No, thats not it. I just don't know what the big deal is." Rukia's eyes widened, "You are the first grown female to be admitted in the 11th, EVER. We are all, yes you too Nanao admit it, DYING to know what it is like for you..."
Tatsuki crinkled her nose in thought at that. She honestly didn't know what the big mystery could be. She was just living with a bunch of sweaty loud mouth men. She had been around them all of her life. But then again...the 11th did have some...quirks about it. "Alright, I'm game. What do you wanna know, eh?" she asked as she took another sip of sake.
Rangiku grinned madly before bursting out, "Is Madarame really bald EVERYWHERE?" Tatsuki choked and sputtered. Nanao face-palmed and Rukia cackled. For once Isane decided to speak up and be the voice of reason, "Umm, perhaps, umm, Arisawa-san, you could make a list of things?"
Kiyone stood up again, "Yeah! A list of oddities of the 11th! A women's view! We could post it in the newsletter!" Rukia seemed to ponder this seriously for a bit, then smiled crookedly, "Thats not a half-bad idea...what do you think, Nanao-san?"
Nanao sighed and took a delicate sip of her own sake, "Well as acting president, since its past President Yachiru's bedtime, I'll agree but on the stipulation that no names be used, only descriptions. That way Arisawa-san can't get in TOO much trouble. I'll take notes as you speak, is that alright, Arisawa-san?
Tatsuki shrugged, "Eh, sure. I really don't know how interesting this will be to your readers though..."
The following are Lieutenant Ise Nanao's notes on 11th division, 6th seat Arisawa Tatsuki's comments
Everyone in the 11th division has a unique odor ("they smell right funky" - Arisawa-san's words). Apparently not everyone in the division is aware of the benefits of good hygiene. ("What about Yumichika?" - asked by Matsumoto-san; "He has his own weird smell, if you get my drift..." - answered by Arisawa-san)
Evidently, most of the 11th also have a crush on Matsumoto-san. ("Its really disgusting, Rangiku-chan...I wouldn't go there after dark.. - said by Arisawa-san; "Eeww, just...ewwww." - said by Matsumoto-san)
Most of the men there are not as tough as they appear to be, according to Arisawa-san. ("Most of them are a bunch of pansies with yakuza faces...bullies, the lot of them. It only took me 2 days in the division to get the 6th seat." - said by Arisawa-san)
Apparently, according to Arisawa-san again, Zaraki-tachiou is really a real softy once you get to know him. ("I never had a problem with 'em. He kinda reminds me of my dad a little. Don't know why Ichigo gets so worked up about him. Tachiou is a great sake drinkin' buddy..." - said by Arisawa-san) note by Ise Nanao: I am not responsible for the above statement Zaraki-tachiou...
Once in the 11th, ALWAYS in the 11th. ("Some people we can't get rid of. I don't mind Iba-kun. He's really cool. But that tattoo-face keeps hanging around and getting in my space. Somebody needs to remind him what division he belongs to!" -said by Arisawa-san; "...he's so obvious..." - said by Rukia-san; "OI! Whats that supposed to mean?" - said by Arisawa-san.)
Last one to get through training, watches the Lieutenant during patrol. ("Had to do it once..never...NEVER AGAIN!" - said by Arisawa-san)
Never, ever tell Ayasegawa-san that his cooking is bad. Evidently death and dismemberment will follow. ("I'm never gonna look at chicken soup the same way again, I can tell you that much.." - said by Arisawa-san as she shivered.)
There are no women's bunks in the 11th. Therefore everything is now unisex. ("I have never heard more men scream then the first time I walked into the communal toilet." - said by Arisawa-san.)
The 11th division is like a family. Everyone watches out for each other. ("I really expected to be shunned, being the first woman there and all. Or worse, harassed to death, but all those guys treat me like family, you know? Its...really somethin'." - said by Arisawa-san)
Madarame really is...er...really is...in Arisawa-san's words "everyone's bitch". ("I love him to death, but..che! He is the roll-over man! He gets all of the grunt work Tachiou doesn't wanna do, plus gets the Lieutenant chewing on him all day and night. I almost feel sorry for the guy, almost..." - said by Arisawa-san)
Here ends the notes of Lieutenant Ise Nanao..
The sun rises on a messy room, sake jugs and bowls littering tables, papers scattered hither and yon. Female shinigami, all in various states of undress and drunken sleep are also scattered throughout. Abarai Renji and Hitsugaya Toushirou make it to the entrance at the same time. Both look at each other and raise an eyebrow each. The taller of the two shrugs and knocks on the door, heedless of the hiss of the other. After several moments of knocking with no answer, Renji looks back at the diminutive captain, shrugs and opens the door to the suite.
Upon entering and seeing the carnage left by the Shinigami Women's Association's induction of their newest member, Renji and Hitsugaya both sighed and waded through the bodies to find their respective persons they were looking for. Hitsugaya soon found his quarry draped across the back of the sofa and set to trying to wake her. On his way to wake Rukia for his captain, Renji just happened across the notes of one Ise Nanao...
"Toushiro!" Renji hissed quietly.
"Its Hitsugaya-tachiou! And what?!" he hissed back, trying to find a delicate way to shake his lieutenant awake.
"Come look at this. This ain't gonna be pretty..." Renji replied quietly, casting a quick glance to Tatsuki, who was gently snoring under the table on the mats.
Hitsugaya's eyes widened when he saw the contents of the notes. "Zaraki-tachiou will explode. 'Softy'? How drunk were they?"
Renji set his mouth in a grim line. He may not be ready to admit to himself anything he felt towards the newest member of the 11th, but he could make sure she didn't meet an early death. "You destroy it. No one will suspect you. Even if they can tell you were here. I'll wake up Rangiku for ya. Just get rid of it."
Hitsugaya sighed and looked at Matsumoto, "Alright, just make sure she heads towards the 10th when she wakes up..". The captain took the incriminating paper and sped towards his office to dispose of it post haste.
Renji let out a sigh of relief. What was it with him and troublesome women? He seemed to attract them and be attracted to them, he thought as he stared down at Tatsuki as she slept blissfully on. Renji knelt down beside her head that was sticking out from under the table, "What am I gonna do with you? Don't ya have a survival instinct? I can't look out for ya forever." he whispered. He brushed back her hair from her forehead, thinking again what it was about this girl that drove him crazy. Feeling brave since she was asleep and couldn't hit him, he brushed a soft kiss on the corner of her mouth.
As he raised back up, he startled as he noticed Tatsuki's eyes were open...
"Renji?" she whispered...