(A/N) Well, Maru to Moro wanted me to write this Ino/Itachi story I'd had floating around which was very serious and angsty with much soul searching, but on reflection I decided the plot was absolutely preposterous. Eventually however, Maru to Moro succeeded in bullying me into writing something using the Ino/Itachi ship, and thus we receive the following: a brief, one-shot that suitably captures the stupidity of bad!smut fic, and the ridiculousness of pairing Itachi with basically anyone. That being said, to all you fan girls out there with the chops to actually write a smut fic with some decent lemons: I love you, don't ever stop; just occasionally write something really stupid so I can make fun of it.
Disclaimer: sigh, I own nothing…although, seeing as it was Maru to Moro who actually wrote this, (I dictated,) I don't even own the plot holes, glaring inconsistencies in characterization, or even the appallingly bad grammar.
It was a dark and stormy night; the sky was filled with raging thunder. And, surprise surprise, Itachi was in a bad mood. This was because he was about to have sex, now, for most people this would be cause for celebration but Itachi was a fairly asexual person. He'd never really had a normal puberty, seeing as he murdered his family at 13. Consequently, any lustful feelings he may have had, became perversely entwined with his blood lust and rage. Tonight however, he was caught smack dab in the middle of a crazy fangirl's poorly written smut fic.
In another disturbing twist of fate, this was also a crack fic, and as such, the object of his amorous attentions would be none other than Yamanaka Ino. Now, Itachi didn't know Ino, nor had he ever spoken to her in his life but, for some reason, the author of the story thought they would make a really, really hot couple. Probably, as in most cases, she found Itachi broodingly sexy and admired Ino's spunk and determination. That being the case, most of the following action would be purely for the vicarious pleasure of a lonely teenage girl sitting at her computer somewhere.
Itachi sighed, as this was to be his inevitable destiny he might as well meditate now in order to prevent the incumbent OOCness from permanently affecting his brain. Several hours later, he felt the burning compulsion to travel out into the storm which had inexplicably turned into a blizzard so as to be caught in some hut, or perhaps cave, in the mountains, freezing, and utterly alone excepting his unfortunate companion.
Meanwhile, Yamanaka Ino, who is used much less often in fanfiction and therefore has a less intimate understanding of its rules and behavior, was unaware of her fate. (Itachi, who has much more experience with these types of stories, can sense them coming.) At the moment, she was very confused as she had been quite certain that the route she had picked would lead her straight back to Konoha, rather than this frigid mountain pass where she, without explanation, found herself.
All of the sudden, a giant boulder, because that is ever so realistic, came hurtling towards her, and before she had time to explain that she was a trained ninja, and could have easily avoided it herself, she was snatched from imminent doom by a cloaked figure. The figure, upon setting her down, turned out to be none other than the S-class criminal and general evil guy extraordinaire, Uchiha Itachi.
Ino's initial thought was one of horror and rage at encountering the man responsible for the misery and horrible, seemingly infectious angst of many of her friends. While she no longer actively pursued Sasuke, she considered him a good friend, and as such, Itachi ranked high on her personal hate list. Her second thought was that he looked ever so appealing with his chiseled jaw, and sculpted body. It is beside the point to mention the fact that in his heavy, winter cloak, she couldn't really see what his body looked like. All around, his angst ridden, rugged good lookingness was incredibly appealing; never mind the fact that he was an insane, murderous villain who most likely planned to kill her.
Itachi sighed yet again. Already, he found himself admiring her silky blonde hair, (which had just spontaneously grown about two feet.) Although, seeing as he'd never touched it, he should really have no idea what it felt like. Nonetheless, he had time to contemplate it, as well as her creamy skin and voluptuous curves. Normally, ninja, including Kunoichi, lead life styles that would tend towards lean, wiry muscles, and scarred, weather-beaten skin, but this is, horrifically enough, a saccharine, romantic, smut fic, so the heroine must always have perfectly smooth creamy/alabaster skin. And curves, most teenage girls probably don't wear a C-cup so curves are a prerequisite. (Let's just ignore all the well muscled, olive-skinned, not-as-sexy-as-my-heroine, ninja chicks that probably comprise the bulk of Konoha's active Kunoichi.)
Following their mutual perusal of their equally mutual perfection, (although if the author took the time to develop their personalities, it would be revealed that Ino was a lot less perfect than Itachi, as the author desperately wants to relate to her,) they hurled token insults at each other, (or at least Ino did,) and might have even fought for a bit, but the weather was worsening, and Itachi would have probably killed Ino anyways had an actual fight occurred. As such, they decided to relocate to a convenient cave/hut where Itachi, who was quickly becoming the only competent one, lit a fire. For some reason, women in these sorts of fics are always fantastically incompetent and even though by now, Ino is at least a Chunin, she will, from now on, behave rather as the author might, were she to be placed in a similar situation.
While Itachi was distracted with the fire, Ino, again proving her sudden, gross incompetence, inexplicably contracted hypothermia. It was then that Itachi decided she intrigued him. Under normal circumstances, he would undoubtedly have found her annoying and loud, but at the moment, her spunk was refreshing. That, and in his lust addled, OOC mindset, she was really, really hot. That being the case, it would be most unfortunate if she were to die, and despite the fact that Itachi could have easily revived her using a basic medical ninjutsu, he concluded that the only way to prevent her once again imminent death, would be to strip both her and himself down to their skin, and lay with limbs entwined next to the raging fire that already kept them at a boiling 103 degrees Fahrenheit.
"I'm feeling a lot better, in fact, it's a bit too hot," Ino started to say, but was silenced by a searing kiss from Itachi, who could no longer keep his burning/throbbing/blistering lust at bay. Never mind that he wasn't a very lustful person to begin with, and in cannon is it a bit of a sociopathic bastard. Ino raked her fingers across his back, consumed by her sudden need for him.
At this point, the author, who is a painfully obvious virgin, begins to describe the resulting sexual intercourse, using a number of ridiculous euphemisms for various parts of the human anatomy, such as, "the flower of her womanhood," and, "his engorged length." Foreplay will be skipped, as the author has no idea of its existence, and the two unfortunate participants in this act of coupling, will proceed to have simultaneous, earth shattering orgasms. References will now be made to "the spilling of seed," "fulfillment," and many other rather short lived feelings and phenomenon that the author assumes come after sex, and has read about in a number of books.
"That's odd," Ino said staring at the ceiling of the cave/hut, "A minute ago I was passionately in love with you, but now I hate your guts."
"Mmm," Itachi said, as he moved to put his clothes on, first underwear, than socks, "This is usually the part of the story where the plot devolves into such utter drivel as to no longer have any actual baring on the cannon plot line."
"Oh," said Ino, a bit vaguely, "Does this happen to you a lot then?" Itachi made another noncommittal noise in the back of his throat.
"About once a month," said Itachi in his usual monotone, "aside from the time it takes away from my ongoing quest for power, I've learned to put up with it as a mild annoyance." Ino sighed.
"You know," she said, "I never really believed Sakura when she told me about all of the random people she's been hooking up with, but I guess that whole fanfiction thing is true."
"Really Ino," Itachi sighed, "Even I've done Sakura, and you could hardly have failed to notice my foolish, little brother humping the kitsune brat at every possible opportunity." Ino sighed again.
"I suppose it won't be to bad," she muttered resignedly, "at least I don't have any attractive siblings and/or cousins. Poor Hinata."
Itachi's mouth twisted into a thin, wisp of a smile. "The Hyuuga heiress doesn't know the half of it," he said with grim irony, "Uchihacest is disturbingly popular." He fiddled with the tie on his cloak for a moment before continuing. "I imagine the worst you'll have to deal with is the occasional Yuri pairing."
Ino shrugged. "I've always been open minded," she replied nonchalantly. All of a sudden her wrist watch beeped. "Shit," she said, "I was supposed to report to the Hokage an hour ago."
With that, they parted ways, and with the blizzard having magically disappeared, it was fairly easy to return to whatever it was they'd been doing in the first place.