A/N: Once again I have to point out that the idea of a character "users guide" is not mine. Thanks for the idea whoever came up with it first : ) I will write one for all the knights eventually, but I've got another story on the go and not much time, so I'm not sure when I'll get them up. Tristan is not mine (sadly). A big thank-you to everyone who enjoyed the "ARTHUR" guide and inspired me to keep writing.
THE USER'S GUIDEAND MANUAL FOR
Copyright BrightKnights Ltd.
Daisy May, Chief Technical Advisor
You are now the proud owner of a TRISTAN unit! In order to obtain maximum enjoyment from your sexy monosyllabic scout, please follow the instructions below.
sometimes also referred to as TRISTRAN
TYPE: Human (male)
MANUFATURERS: Samartian scouts Ltd.
HEIGHT: 1.79 metres
WEIGHT: 150 lbs
LENGTH: More than adequate.
COLOUR: Brown hair, brown eyes, tattooed cheekbones.
Your TRISTAN unit comes complete with an accessory pack which should provide you with hours of mutual enjoyment. Units are delivered fully dressed in 100 genuine leather trousers and hauberk with intricate metal trim, and a silly helmet with odd ear-flaps. Also included is a symbolic hawk, a cool swishy, if slightly historically incongruous, samauri style sword, and an array of weapons that would make the most deranged hunter green with envy.
For US buyers, BrightKnights Ltd. Accepts no liability for getting your unit through customs.
Your TRISTAN unit has been designed to be both user friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated, and will respond to instructions in both English and Danish.
Aside from being visually attractive, a loyal companion and effective bodyguard, your TRISTAN unit has many other uses.
Nothing makes the TRISTAN unit happier than flinging around pointy objects. Merely replace accessories e,f and g (throwing knives) with some darts, take him down the pub, and sit back with a pint while he annihilates the competition in the local darts team.
Make certain that your TRISTAN unit is clear that you do not mean annihilate the competition literally. As shown in the tragic events of the Red Lion pub massacre in 2005, TRISTAN units are difficult to control once "killing-spree" mode is engaged.
It is a scientifically proven fact that men are incapable of asking directions (as evidenced by the why-the-bloody-hell-don't-you-just-ask-someone study of 2002). Due to the TRISTAN unit's extra sensitive route-finding chip, you will never again find yourself driving around the same roundabout for the third time while your partner mutters things like "I'm sure it was just down here", or "that tree looks a bit familiar."
Note: While navigating, your TRISTAN unit might evidence the following behaviour - picking up twigs, sniffing the ground etc. Do not worry, this is perfectly normal - however informing the unit that it is dangerous to do so whilst in the middle of a motorway is advised.
Old People Minder:
Fed up with feigning interest when granddad decides to launch into yet another two hour monologue about how great the war was, and how things were "better in his day"? Simply place your TRISTAN unit in front of your elderly relative/irritating sibling or gossipy neighbour and slip away to make a cup of coffee/do some gardening/watch the complete extended versions of the Lord of The Rings dvds. The TRISTAN unit comes complete with a permanent air of silent watchfulness that can easily be mistaken for interest.
Note: It is not wise to leave your TRISTAN unit alone with other females for too long - some owners have reported returning to find their units "rumpled", "partially unclothed" and/or "distressed".
While the TRISTAN unit will automatically revert to the dishevelled-half-wild setting half an hour after bathing, we do advise maintaining a regular grooming routine.
Note: the cute "tiger-stripes" on the unit's cheeks are tattooed on - no amount of scrubbing will get them off. Application of bleach or other harsh household cleaners may lead to damage to your unit.
Hand-washing of the unit is recommended - as well as being visually pleasurable for the owner, it prevents the unit from reverting to it's just-dunk-it's-head-in-the-sink-and-that-counts-as-bathing default setting.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My TRISTAN unit is wandering around with ribbons in its hair and a distressed look upon its face. Why?
Do you have a young daughter? Inform her that although the TRISTAN unit is pleasingly shaggy and fun to play with, it is not infact a My Little Pony.
Q: My ARTHUR unit keeps ordering my TRISTAN unit to do ever more dangerous tasks. After rescuing it from the middle of the runway at Gatwick airport for the third time, I'm getting a bit fed-up. How can I stop this behaviour?
Due to a design flaw, TRISTAN units automatically follow any instructions given to them by ARTHUR units. Informing your TRISTAN unit that following any such orders will likely result in tragic death will only encourage it, so it is best to threaten your ARTHUR unit with removal of its crown if it continues to order TRISTAN around in such a manner.
Q: My TRISTAN unit is wandering around looking soulful and muttering about "tragic love". Although this is endearing, it's also a bit unnerving - what has happened?
Your TRISTAN unit has been drugged. During this time on no account let your TRISTAN come in contact with an ISOLDE unit - star-crossed lovers are entertaining when portrayed in the movies, but you really don't want to live with one.
Q: My TRISTAN unit seems to be permanently set to "mute" mode.
A: No, he really is just that quiet.
Q: My TRISTAN unit's accessory C (majestic hawk) is causing problems - pecking the children, depositing the bloody remains of small animals around the house etc. What can I do?
A: Inform your TRISTAN unit that his need for an animal companion to poignantly symbolise freedom can be just as well served by a goldfish. Point out how the little fish swims in circles, forever trapped and unable to escape - just as he is shackled by his evil Roman overlords. Your TRISTAN unit will be able to spend many happy hours talking soulfully to the little fish, and you will be able to flog the hawk to the nearest pet shop for a tidy profit.
Note: In the event of your TRISTAN unit becoming irreparably damaged, allow it to "release" the fish into your toilet cistern and flush it away. Under no circumstances tell it that the goldfish will certainly expire almost immediately in the sewers - this will merely distress your TRISTAN unnecessarily.
Q: I took my TRISTAN to the local school fete - carnage ensued. Why did this happen?
A: Was there a face-painting stall at the fete? Due to the TRISTAN unit's specially enhanced bloodlust chip, it responds violently to face-paint as this is often an indicator of "Woad" threat (WOAD units sold separately or as part of the super-deluxe Castus battle pack). For the same reason your TRISTAN unit should never ever be taken paint-balling , (unless it's against people you really, really, don't like).
Q: My TRISTAN unit is short of hair and dressed in a dinner jacket, it also wanders around muttering about "eliminating a Mr Bond" and brandishing a carpet beater. Why is this?
A: You've got a TRISTAN unit in a dinner jacket and you're complaining? Send it back immediately - you obviously don't deserve it.
Note: It is prudent to keep "CHIFFRE" units away from the 2006 edition of our popular BOND unit. While the torture-with-homo-erotic-undertones mode your unit will display is fun to watch and slightly kinky, eventually the BOND unit will irreparably damage your purchase.
We are sure that you will be very happy with your purchase, and that given you adhere to the above instructions, will enjoy many years of enjoyable service from the TRISTAN unit. Should any problems arise, it is useful to keep an apple on hand - TRISTAN units have a particular weakness for this particular fruit.
BrightKnights Ltd. Accept no responsibility for any shootings, stabbings, decapitations, eviscerations or other deaths caused by the activation of the "blood-lust" chip. All legal problems, prison sentences and dry-cleaning bills are entirely the owners responsibility.