Memoires of a Jedi's Heart.
By Darth Jenny


Dawn was engulfing the dark night as Obi-Wan Kenobi stirred in his couch, the same routine he had been leading for the past nine months. Flashes of images – terrible images – bombarded his head every time he tried to rest. Sleep was elusive, almost a luxury he could not afford. As well as peace, for his thoughts wouldn't let him have it. More than his thoughts, it was his deep pain who wouldn't bring him peace. What an irony of the Force, he thought, for he had been a Guardian of Peace and Justice for the best part of twenty-six years. A Jedi. A great Jedi, and yet he could not reach peace at night.

For decades, he and his colleagues of the Jedi Order had been respected galaxy-wide, called upon when understanding and diplomacy required it. And now he was a refugee, an outcast, an Enemy of the Empire. An Empire that wiped out all he ever loved – his beloved Republic, his friends, his freedom. But most importantly, the two beings he had loved more than anything in the galaxy: Anakin, his best friend, his son, his brother. Oh, he had loved Anakin! And at some point, he still did... But how could he still love him if Anakin, in his lust for power, in his fall from grace, brought down along with him the woman Obi-Wan had loved so deeply and so purely, that he had remained silent, hoping that his Padawan – because in his heart, no matter what, Anakin was still his Padawan – would make Padmé happy. Because he knew, he had always known those two were together...

Obi-Wan rolled to one side and stared at the chest lying next to his couch. He kept many valious memories there: Anakin´s and Qui-Gon's lightsabers, the warming crystal Siri had given him before her last breath on Azure spaceport. That had been the second time he had had a broken heart. First one had been at 18 years of age, when he and Siri had hoped the Jedi Council would change the Code, just for the sake of their love. How naive they had been! No matter how painful that heartbreak had been, he still found a way to survive it. Siri had been his first love, but not his last one.

The Jedi Master slowly rose from his humble bed and knelt before the box, staring at it with a mix of fear and sadness. He haven't opened it since his arrival on Tatooine. It brought too much pain just to think about its contents, but he couldn't help himself. He started opening it very, very slowly, as if waiting for something evil to creep out of the chest. When he caught sight of Qui-Gon's lightsaber, he shut his eyes in pain, mental pain. How he missed his Master! The rebel Jedi had been the father he never knew, always having a word of advice, of wisdom. He retrieved the laser sword and smiled in his mind, for he could not smile physically any longer. Although his Master talked to him through the Force every now and then, he needed to see that sympathetic look Qui-Gon always had when Kenobi had been unsure of himself. Gently, he posed the weapon back in the box, and while making some space to make it fit, a certain object caught his atention and returned the somber look to his face.

It was just a holopaper, nothing more than that, but what it had imprinted on it was Obi-Wan's most valued and painful possession. Padmé's obituary from the HoloNet. He grazed the tip of his fingers along the picture of the former Queen and Senator from Naboo. How beautiful she looked there! Well, she had always been beautiful, but this image of her was a view that had always wandered around his mind: the celebration on Naboo after the defeat of the Trade Federation army. She was wearing a pink-orange feathery dress - so simple next to her regular atire as Queen – and yet so exalting. He was still young, she was so young, and he had felt swept away at her presence. He hadn't realized by that time that he had fallen in love with the young Queen. Only after her death did he discovered that feeling inside his heart...