9 PM at night. Off somewhere in Burbank, I sneak into the Warner Brothers lot. Heading past the Watertower, I tiptoe along until I find a large, imposing science lab with the words "Acme Labs" in glowing letters on the roof. Ducking in through a back entrance, I look around hurriedly and then sneak into the lab proper, where I take my PowerBook G3 out of my backpack and plug it in. Glancing around again in the pitch black, I turn it on and double-click the "Internet Explorer" icon. Then, as I type in a website URL, a huge spotlight is suddenly focused onto my back. I whirl around and quickly shield my eyes from the blinding light. Squinting, I see the silhouette of a squat figure less than six inches high with what looks like a large cranium and ears almost as big. A deep voice speaks accusingly.
"What are you doing here?" the silhouette asks.
I know who it is. "Hello, Brain," I say pleasantly, trying to distract him from his question. Squinting even more, I look at a lanky (but still small) shape hiding somewhere behind the source of the light. "Hi, Pinky." The shape waves.
Using his foot, Brain clicks the wattage of the light down just far enough for visibility. The short white mouse does NOT look happy. "You're writing down this conversation, aren't you?" he grumbles.
I look up from my typing. "Guilty as charged," I confess. Brain gives an irritable grunt, glaring at me.
"Ever since Pinky told me exactly WHO had written that infernal 'fanfiction' about us being in France," he informs me, "I've been waiting to catch you at it. You are NOT submitting another story just to make fun of us."
"Awwwww..." Pinky sighs in a Cockney accent, his ears flopping over as he joins the discussion. " 'At other one was FUN, Brain!"
"No it wasn't!" Brain snaps, then grabs a pencil menacingly and brandishes it at me like it's a sword. "Now listen. Whatever story you're writing about us, you're NOT going to—"
"I'm not writing a story," I interrupt, maximizing an onscreen window that had been hidden before. "I'm READING one." I look up at him—UP only because he's standing on a bookshelf. "Did you know that your mousy roommate was keeping a blog recently?"
Brain looks over at Pinky, who appears confused. "I don't have a blog!" the taller mouse protests. "No one at the lab c'n have pets!"
"Let me see that," Brain orders, jumping down to my laptop's keypad. He leans forward towards the screen, reading the web address aloud. " 'Bloggersparadise dot LOT, slash Q, slash four-five-six-two-six-one-three, slash NarfPoitZort'?" he repeats slowly, then turns to Pinky again. "You have a WEBSITE?" Brain demands. Pinky slaps himself upside the head.
"Oh, THAT!" he remembers. He chuckles a little. "If you wanted ta' know about THAT, you shoulda asked about THAT instead of a BLOG! NARF."
"But it is a—" Brain begins, then shakes his head. "Never mind." Rubbing his chin, he starts to read.
(transcribed by The Illustrious Crackpot)
Time: 5:34:06 PM (Pacific Coast)
ZORT! Haha! Wow, this's so much fun!! ooooh i like this!! It takes a littl while to hit all the keyz, but
wait i was gonna say something
Oh yes i was foolin with the lab computer (you know seeing how much lederhozen goes for on ebay) and i got this email askin if i wanted a blog. i hit the "reply' buttony thingy said yes i'd always wanted a blog but the Brain wouldnt let me have any pets an could he just send me one in a box with some food and that would be really nice. But instead i got this website! (TROZ!!) not as much fun as a blog would be though.
oh wait Brain wants me to come back to the cage. (Oh this is all so exciting!!)
Time: 6:02:13 PM (Pacific Coast)
Sorry. Brain just told me his new plan for tonight (oh, its a really good one!!) and its a doozy too! we're gonna take over the world this time for sure!! HAHAnarf. Brain said we;re going to make a reality show where a bunch of people try out to be on it, then the whole show is about the people trying to please him, so then with everyoen on earth watching everyone will want to make him happy and so he'll ask them to make him ruler of the earth and they will!!
i asked Brain if donald Trump would be mad at him for stealing his idea and Brain whacked me with a pencil. FJORD.
Time: 6:11:54 PM (Pacific Coast)
brain's tryin to think up a title now. i told him to call it "Brain's World" but he said no he didn't want people to, uhmmm, to 'immediately connect it with somethin stupid'. i dunno what he meant but it sounds funny.
Time: 7:01:23 PM (Pacific Coast)
the scientists are gone now an it's just me and Brain but brain is trying to think how he can make the show sound exciting so a producer will buy it. i said have the audiense balance seals on their noses but Brain said that was wors than my tutu idea. then Brain looked real smart and asked if i was pondering what he was pondering, and i said yes but where would we put all that duck tape once we were done with the fried chiken.
Sometimes i dont think brain's ever pondering what i'm pondering.
so then Brain says we'll pretend hes a retired musician from the sevinties since there were so many musicians then no one will know whether he really existed or not. (Even though he's only two years old in human years an to be around in the seventys he'd have to be...ummmm...wait, wait, don't tell me i've almost got it, he'd be...uuhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
So he says we'll pretend hes a musician from the seventies and that hes on really hard times cus of, well, Brain didnt want to tell me but he thought that "more mature people" would be able to guess what he ment. i asked why and he kinda asked if i knew how the beatles died, and i said yes cus John went out with yoko an the band brokke up. then brain said thats not what he ment but that other peopl would undertsand his "condition" and that theyd feel sorry for him and let him do a show and
oh, oh, he wants me to go cus we're gonna do this tonight. (Egad the suspense is killing me!!)
Time: 7:38:45 PM (Pacific Coast)
im back POIT! Brain doesnt know i'm typing this now but the tv station guy has a computer and Brains just talking and so he probably wont mind. Brain told him that he's, uuuuuuuuuuh, Brainy Bo Baney and he used to play guitar for some band called Whatchamathingy, actually he told me to say it was called The Brain Experience but i forgot the name and so the producer guy thinks the band was Whatchamathingy. then Brain said that i was the bands mascot The Flying Numskull. i'm so proud
Uhoh the guy said we cant have a reality show cus theres no, uhmm, "selling point". (selling POIT. HAHAAHAHA!!) Um, yeah, so brain said we have to have the show, hes a superenteligint lab mouse who needs the show so he can take over the world, and the guy laughd and said he'd tell bill gates that he had competition.
wait a minute theres a hand coming towards me and AKKKKKKK
Time: 8:07:18 PM (Pacific Coast)
well we finally got back to the lab so Brain can try and think up something else. i think he still wants to do the raelity show but i dunno how hes gonna do it. ZORT. But hes Brain so i'm sure he'll think of something real clever so i can say egad thats brilliant and he'll say of course cus he tho9ught of it.
Oooh that was fun. have you ever rolled around on a keyboard before?
AAAAAAAH!! oh whoops brain just said YESSSS so that prolly means he thought of something i better go chekc.
Time: 8:09:36 PM (Pacific Coast)
whoooooops, its just that Brain finlly found the cornflakes. Sorrie
Time: 8:17:00 PM (Pacific Coast)
ok now he figgered it out, brain said mebbe we can hire a uhf station to broadcast it instead, theres sometimes a ummmmm "fanbase" fer the tiny stations and we'll get real famous from a tiny little show no one ever heard of before and stuff and we'll take over the world. he said it was somethin like american iddol.
i wish Brain would say jokes i understand if we're gonna get lawsuits fer 'em.
Time: 9:02:59 PM (Pacific Coast)
we're at the uhf stationnow but i'm real confused cus i don't see Wierd Al anywhere. Brain said maybbe hes off hiding in the corner but i already cheked there. there was this rattish thingy though. HE WAs so polite he gave me a coupl of love chews on my ankles. and he's even helping me with the pain by clawing at my ears! Hes such a good friend OWnarf
oh brains talking to the guys now! ummmmmmmmmmm they're saying that it sounds funny but it wont be a hit so we should get lost, well obviously its gonna be a hit cus he's hitting Brain right now. ZORT looks painful. ooooooooh.
Time: 9:55:28 PM (Pacific Coast)
hiya! we're back at the lab now cus the guy thrwe us out. sigh. brains still pondering what to do now. first he saud maybe we could do it like when we did 'brains song' and just do it from the lab but then he said we wouldnt be able to get any guys to be cuntestents. i said i'd be a cuntestant but he said there was prolly a iq requirement. THen i said i'd be in trouble cus i cant make my eyes look like Qs, and brain said that just proved his point. hmmmm.
TROZ well maybe we can think fo sometihng else before tomorrow. i ho;pe so. itz no fun just sittin and doing nothign except when test patterns are on the tv. i like watchin the pretty colors.
Time: 10:22:11 PM (Pacific Coast)
poit. i think brains finally tryin my idea of doin it from here, since hes trying to hoouk up the satellight again, but hes AAAAH LOOK OUT!!11!
ooh being fried by electricy stuff isnt fun. i think brains givin up now, well, cus he's sitting on the floor and hes askin if i cn get him some bactine so we can prepare fer tomorow night.
'why brain whatre we goin to do tomoorw night?"
'same thing we do every night pinky
ooh, he fainted. well, i geuss we'll take over the world tomorroe.
After he finishes reading, there's a long pause.
"Well," Brain states simply. "Congratulations, Pinky, you're more semi-literate than I thought you were."
Pinky giggles and blushes a little. "Oh, go on. ZORT!
Brain sighs and rubs his large head. "Well, at least it's not another fanfiction."
Looking up from the keyboard, I grin evilly. "Isn't it?" I ask, and show him the website I'm on now. Brain yells, leaping for the keyboard. But as he's in mid-jump, I click the "Submit" button. "AAAAAARGH!!"
Pinky walks over and puts a hand on Brain's shoulder. "It's not SO bad, Brain," the tall mouse reassures him. "After all, we already KNOW that it happened. We were THERE! FJORD.
Brain looks up at his companion. "I despise you with every fiber of my being," he grumbles.
"Aw," Pinky beams, "you're just SAYIN' that."
Brain groans in defeat, and I take the opportunity to shut down my laptop and start for the door. But just as I'm about to turn the handle, I turn back around and ask, "Hey Brain, for the next story I'm thinking maybe some sort of 'Detective' theme. Whaddaya say?"
As this story's rating forbids me from repeating what he had to say, I shall choose to close the communication now. SOMEBODY REVIEW, FOR PETE'S SAKE! Thank you.