Your In The Matrix, Charlie Brown!

By Stupidfic


It was a beautiful day in WhereeverthefuckthePeanutsliveat Town, where some kids were playing baseball. Charlie Brown was the pitcher, and he threw the ball to the batter. The batter hit the ball and sent it straight into Charlie Brown, knocking off all his clothes and sending to the ground.

"You blockhead!" his team shouted.

After a few minutes, Charlie Brown had his clothes back. He threw the ball once again, and the batter swung his bat and sent the ball towards the poor pitcher.

"Oooo a penny" said Charlie Brown.

He bent backwards to pick up the penny. As he got the coin, the ball flew over him in slow motion, because everyone knows that picking up a penny causes the space-time continuum to go slowly. The ball missed it's target, and continued flying in midair until it decapitated an old man wearing ceremonial robes.

"Ah shit!" shouted the batter "I just killed the Pope! EVERYBODY RUUUUUUUN!!!!"

The children fled for their sinful lives. Meanwhile, a white beagle and a yellow bird were hiding in the shadows, watching everything.

"That boy just did a Matrix move!" the beagle whispered to his partner "he must be the One, and you know what we must do…"

The bird spoke in lines.

"We are not going to sit on his face and fart until he suffocates! Man you're an IDOIT!"

The next day, Charlie Brown was about to play football with Lucy.

Lucy shouted "come on blockhead, kick the ball already!"

Charlie Brown says "no way! Your just going to pull the football away and I'll fly in the air like every other damn time!"

"I won't do that, I promise!"

Charlie Brown sighed, and he charged at the football. Just as he swings his foot to kick the ball, Lucy pulls the football away. Charlie Brown screams as he flies into the air then falling onto the ground hard.

"Ah shit, I think I landed in something pointy and sharp" Charlie Brown groaned in pain.

Lucy shook her head. "You are the blockiest blockhead I've ever seen, Charlie Brown."

Then she got hit by a bus. The bus stopped, and a beagle and bird came out.

"Hello, Charlie Brown" said the beagle "I am Agent Joe Cool and this my partner Agent Woodstock."

Woodstock spoke in lines.

"What? I told you, I changed my name! Agent Joe Cool sounds better than Agent Snoopy! Oh great, now I just said my real name! Thanks a lot, dumbass!"

"Uh… what do you guys want?" asks Charlie Brown.

"Oh, yes, I nearly forgot" said Snoopy "we are here because you are the One that was prophesized to save the universe.


"You see, everything you know is a lie. This world was created artificially, with our purpose in life to entertain a bunch ungrateful bastards who can't bother doing anything else productive. In fact, as I speak we are in a fanfic of a combination of two completely different series called the Peanuts and the Matrix being written by a horrible writer who barely knows anything about the two series."

"And why should I believe you?"

"I knew you would say that, come with us."

Charlie Brown followed Agent Snoopy and Agent Woodstock into the bus. The bus then flew away, because it was a magical bus.


"Welcome to the Matrix!" Snoopy said as he and the other two got out of the bus.

Charlie Brown looked around and said "meh."

"Alright, so this place isn't interesting" said Snoopy "I'll show some of the strange locals around here." They walked to a boy sucking on his thumb and holding a blue blanket. "Meet my good friend Linus!"

"What's so strange about him?"

"The thing is, Linus isn't the boy. Isn't that right Linus?"

"Tru dat snoop dawg" replied the blanket.

"That's so fake" was all Charlie Brown said.

"Really?" said Snoopy "then maybe this picture might surprise you."

When the beagle pulled out a picture of someone, Charlie Brown looked at it and shouted "Jesus is really a robotic ninja clown?!?!"

"Yup! It even says so in the Da Vinci Code!"

"No it doesn't!"

"Well it should have! I mean, really, who gives a fuck if Jesus had a wife?"

"Look Agent 'Joe Cool', I still don't believe any of this. It will take more than talking dogs and blankets, flying blankets, and picture of Jesus as a robotic ninja clown to convince me what your saying is true."

Snoopy sighed, then spoke "alright Agent Woodstock, you'll have to convince the One yourself."

Woodstock nodded. The bird transformed into an anime-styled girl in a bikini and smothered Charlie Brown with her breasts. She then turned back into a regular yellow bird.

Stunned and rather enjoyed, Charlie Brown said "okay, I think I'm starting to believe you."

Snoopy says "good. Now, enough nonsense, we have work to do! An enemy known as the Red Baron is going to destroy the universe with a death ray. As it is prophesized you must destroy the death ray to stop the Red Baron."

"How will I get there?"

"Simple, you fly"

"Fly? I can't fly!"

"Yes you can, you just don't think you can, you must belieeeeeeeeeeeve in yourself."

"Do it now, motha fucka!" Linus the blanket shouted.

Charlie Brown closed his eyes and started to believe he could fly. And soon enough he was flying!

Charlie Brown said "I can fly!"

Snoopy said "he can fly!"



Charlie Brown was flying towards the death ray. He looked closely and saw the death ray was the Death Star!

"The hell?" he shouted "I thought this was only a Peanuts and Matrix fanfic, not Star Wars one!"


Robots flew from the Death Star and killed Peter Pan. Charlie Brown fought them all in an awesome Matrix fight. Yeah. Its so awesome I'm not going to type what happened due to it's awesomeness. It's not like I have an action block or anyway. Really.

So Charlie Brown defeated the robots and flew to the surface of the Death Star. He saw the death ray generator he needed to destroy far away thanks to the super duper vision he had for some reason. Suddenly, a red plane came and attacked Charlie Brown! It was the Red Baron!

"Ha ha ha I kill you or whatever!" the Red Baron laughed.

Charlie Brown tried to avoid the Red Baron, but the Red Baron's plane was too fast. The plane was about to finish off the One, but one of it's wings got shot off.

"What?" the Red Baron shouted in confusion.

"YEEEEEHAW!" said Snoopy, riding the most deadliest combat vehicle of all, a dog house! He shot off the plane's other wing off and the Red Baron crashed into the kite-eating tree.

The Red Baron laughed "Ha ha! I'm unaffected because it's not a baron-eating tree!"

The tree turned into a group of anime girls pushing their boobs on the Red Baron's face.


Agent Snoopy shouted "your all clear! Finish it so we can go home!"

The One nodded. He flew at top speeds ready to destroy the generator. Just as he was close enough to destroy it, Lucy appear out of nowhere and pushed the generator away! Charlie Brown screamed as he missed and was spinning out into the depths of space.

Everyone who was watching cried "YOU BLOCKHE-"


Take the blue pill now.