(Buries head in hands) This is a crack fic and...well...please don't ask...

Note: This is not slash. Just poking fun at poor Vlad, because he's just so much fun to torture. :)

Disclaimer: If you are a book addict, go to the library. If you need a vacation, go to Hawaii. If you want it to be winter forever and ever, go to Antarctica. If you think Danny Phantom is mine…go to a mental asylum.

It was a beautiful day in Amity Park. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, a cute fuzzy little squirrel was frolicking in the grass, and two halfas were flying half a mile above the ground, determined to beat the crap out of each other.

A stray ecto-blast shot towards the ground, turning the aforementioned cute, fuzzy little squirrel into a burnt, mutilated little squirrel. A three-year-old who was unfortunate enough to witness the brutal murder promptly burst into tears.

Let's direct our attention to the two halfas floating up in the sky, shall we?

Predictably, these halfas were Vlad and Danny. Usually this would be an obvious assumption, but ever since Kindred Spirits there's been that third halfa, Danielle. I know some people see her as a Mary Sue, but frankly, I think she's awesome. I hope she comes back in another episode and doesn't melt into a puddle of goop.


Whoops, there goes the fourth wall. My apologies. Hopefully that won't happen again.

As I was saying, Danny and Vlad were engaged in an arduous battle. Vlad exceeded Danny in practice and skill, but lately, the younger ghost had developed several new powers. Vlad was careful to stay out of the way of Danny's Ghostly Wail, but had, unfortunately, been unaware of his new ice powers.

It became painfully obvious after his arm was magically transformed into the human-flesh equivalent of a popsicle, though.

Vlad was extremely irritated that Daniel had become this difficult to battle. He growled menacingly, firing rays from his eyes. Danny ducked down as fast as he could, and Vlad used this as a momentary distraction to gather enough power to duplicate himself.

Imagine his shock when the young halfa recovered quickly, taking a deep breath. Vlad groaned with dismay.


With one huge breath, Danny released the Ghostly Wail, aimed straight for Vlad.

is going…

The attack hit Vlad head-on, throwing him back down to the ground.

to HURT.

Vlad plowed into the ground, leaving a long mark in the dirt.

"Cheese logs," he muttered.

And then two black rings appeared at his waist, transforming him back to Vlad Masters.

He pulled himself up as fast as he could, ignoring the pain in his…everywhere. Danny landed beside him, looking menacing but tired.

"This is going to end now, Plasmius," he said threateningly, glaring at the older halfa. He took two steps forward, and Vlad tensed, ready to transform back into his ghost form. Suddenly, Danny stopped, leaning closer and squinting at Vlad's face.

"What?" Vlad demanded, disconcerted by the strange look on Danny's face.

"I've…never noticed this before, but…do you wear eyeliner?"

Vlad choked on his own spit.

"What are you talking about, you stupid boy?" he all but screeched. Because really, it's not manly to screech. Only old spinster ladies did that.

"Geez, Vlad, stop screeching," Danny said, wincing as he covered his ears. "I was just…you know…wondering."

"I do not wear eyeliner," Vlad said, one eye twitching dangerously. He paused to add as an afterthought, "And I do not screech. It's not manly."

To his surprise, Danny snorted, relaxing into a more casual position as he crossed his arms and leaned on a nearby tree. "You. Manly. Uh-huh."

Vlad was too flustered to think about attacking Danny. "And just what are you implying, Daniel?" he asked, glaring.

"I've never really paid any attention, Plasmius, but…I totally get it now. The eyeliner, the long hair, the way you talk…my mom is obviously a cover-up."

Vlad was completely confused by now, and spluttered for a good twenty seconds before protesting weakly—but angrily!—"I repeat myself again…I. Do. Not. Wear. Eyeliner."

Danny ignored him. "And how do you explain the long hair? Now that I think about it…it's kinda girly. I mean, Johnny 13 can get that look down, since he's a teenager and he's got a girlfriend, but…I dunno, it kind of makes you look feminine."

Vlad seethed, grinding his teeth furiously. "It doesn't make me look feminine! I'll have you know that I get many compliments on it."

"Yeah," Danny snickered. "From men."

Vlad clenched his fists as his knuckles popped ominously. "Daniel, where on earth did you get such ridiculous ideas? My hair is perfectly fine, and the so-called 'eyeliner' you claim I'm wearing is most likely just shadows under my eyes."

"You're in denial," Danny said assertively.

Vlad had had enough. Growling, he shot a weak ghost ray at his enemy.

"Another example," Danny said smugly, dodging the attack with a side-step. "Pink rays. Pink."

He seemed absolutely unfazed by the fact that Vlad was close to foaming at the mouth and plunged on recklessly, pushing his luck.

"Vlad…forget what I said about the cat. You need…better companionship. Intimate companionship, if you catch my drift. And normally, I don't approve of these kind of relationships, it makes me spasm, but really, Vlad…"

"Daniel, if you even dare to say it…"

"…you really need a boyfriend."

With one final screech of rage, Vlad turned on his heels and stomped away from the forgotten battle with his archenemy.

Danny couldn't resist one final jab.

"Bye, Vladina!"