77 Improbable Things

This will be a series of 77 one-shots (however some ideas, things or events may appear in later one-shots). As well, these are in chronological order, starting in the founder's time and going to Harry Potter's 7th year. This is technically all AU; however the possibility that a fair number of these events actually occurred is very high. None of these events are totally impossible. Improbable, yes. This is AU after HBP. Much wackiness and silliness will follow.

I shall attempt to put up 2 a week, but please don't count on it.

Let the laughs begin.

Chapter 1 – Without Rhyme or Reason


"Alright now everyone, settle down," said Rowena Ravenclaw, "Godric has kindly created the sorting hat for us. The questions we have gathered here to answer are, to decide when and how we should test the hat."

Helga Hufflepuff spoke up, "I think we should test it on the current students, as that way we will know if the hat works properly."

"Are you implying Helga," Godric Gryffindor said, "that I could not properly make the sorting hat?"

Salazar Slytherin interrupted before Helga could get a word in, "Oh, she probably didn't mean that, it's Helga. Remember? She couldn't be condescending if she tried. I, on the other hand, believe that you've fouled up a number of projects, this one included."

"Salazar," growled Godric in a menacing tone.

"Oh really Godric, what are you going to do to me? Seriously? Throw me to the mercy of the owls? What a horrible way to die, being feathered to death."

Rowena broke the pair up, "Honestly, you two still act like arrogant little school boys in a competition. Now, we have one option for testing the sorting hat, do I have any other, legitimate, suggestions?"

Salazar said, "I suggest that we use it on the students that will arrive tomorrow. There's no point on seeing it work on existing students, since they wouldn't be transferring Houses anyways. And with my way, we can observe the new students for a year to make sure the sorting hat was correct, and not in, error."

"Alright," said Rowena, "any more suggestions?"

A silence filled the room. No one had any ideas left. Well, Godric and Salazar had ideas, but they were immature ideas that had absolutely nothing to do with the situation at hand.

Rowena spoke again, "Then all in favor of Helga's idea, raise your wand."

Only Helga lifted up her wand.

"Too bad Helga," drawled Salazar, "looks like my idea went through."

Helga just sniffed, and left the room in a huff. Godric was torn between laughing and frowning, because it was Salazar's idea, and Rowena let out a little giggle.

"I guess I'll inform the hat," said Godric.

Godric walked up to the stool that the sorting hat was perched on, picked it up, and started talking to it, "Now, you will be sorting the students who arrive tomorrow into the four Houses."

A split formed in the hat and it said, "Well, I guess I will, since that is my purpose. Anything in particular you want me to do other than call out what House they belong in?"

"Before you sort the students, maybe you could make up a rhyme or a song to tell them about the qualities of the four Houses. That way, they'll be prepared."

"Alright," said the hat. When no one moved it spoke again, "Well, you'd best let me get started on thinking something up as I have less than a day."

With that, Godric put the hat back on the stool and the three founders left the room in search oh Helga, who they figured was probably up in the Astronomy Tower again.


The next day, at the sorting feast

"Now students," said Rowena as she stood up from her seat at the Staff Table, "we will be trying something different this year. Professor Gryffindor has done us the great honor of making a sorting hat, which will be able to determine which of the four Houses you belong in. After its brief song, I will call your names and you will one by one walk up to the stool, and place the sorting hat on your head and it will then call out your House."

A tear in the hat began to form, and then, it attempted, to sing.

I am a sorting hat you see

The first of my kind,

I get to sit on top of you

And pray I don't get lice.

Now in this School

There are four houses called

Slytherin and Gryffindor,

Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff,

Each of which are fine.

Every house has different things

That they look for in their students,

So you'd better beware and be nice to me

Or I'll just leave you hanging.

If you go in Ravenclaw

You need be very boring,

With dusty books and trusty quills

You'll be as silent as a ghost.

Now House Hufflepuff is different

To get in here, you must be,

Really slow and thick

But also very loyal.

Old Gryffindor only takes those

Of reckless stupidity and anger,

You always act and never think

Which gets you many detentions.

Then in Slytherin you must be very

Slippery and tricky,

If you love following a madman,

Then this is the house for you.

So now I've told you all the spots

That I can stick you in,

My job is almost done now

And then I can retire.

The entire Great Hall was silent, as no one was sure what to make of the hat. Rowena broke the silence by starting to call up people to try on the sorting hat.

"Abbott, Mildred."

A mousy-haired girl walked up to the hat. She was somewhat leery of it after that song and didn't really want to put it on her head. Finally, after some gesturing from Helga, Mildred bravely was the first to put the hat on.

"HUFFLEPUFF!" yelled the hat.

Mildred took it off, placed it on the stool and scurried away as fast as she could to the Hufflepuff table.

There were many students to be sorted, but they all blurred together after a while. Some of the students were a Regulus Black who was sorted into Ravenclaw, a Fenry Diggory into Hufflepuff, a Fran Longbottom into Gryffindor, a Humbestu Lovegood into Ravenclaw, a Tiberius Prince into Slytherin, a Julia Potter into Gryffindor, a Septimus Malfoy into Slytherin and a William Weasley became a Gryffindor.

After the feast was over and the students had been lead to their dormitories by the school prefects, the four founders confronted the sorting hat.

"What in Merlin's name was that?" asked Rowena.

The hat replied, "Well, you only gave me 18 hours to come up with a suitable song you know. I may be magical, but I can't work magic and miracles."

"But you made us all sound so, horrible, and you misrepresented us to the students!" said Salazar.

"I did not," the hat said curtly, "Everything I said was true."

Helga had now had enough, "You were supposed to talk about the good qualities of each House. And it was supposed to rhyme you stupid old rag!"

The hat said, "Now Madame Hufflepuff, you did not say to talk about the good qualities, just qualities. And I tried to make it rhyme, but I don't have much experience in this realm. And unless you want me to use 'Homicidal Hufflepuffs', as a rhyme next year, I suggest you keep your tongue to yourself."

Helga turned red in the face, and stormed off towards the Astronomy Tower yet again. Rowena giggled, Godric chuckled, and Salazar smirked, wondering if he could bribe the hat next year.