A/N: Disclaimer: Me, ug, Doctor Who, ug, no, ug ug.

I SAY prequel, but it's the first prequel where you'll probably have to read the sequel to fully appreciate the ending, lol.

Oh God, I'm so sorry this came up.

Camera – on.

(Fidgeting with camera is heard, along with muffled curses as the camera moves around violently.)

ROSE: (Off camera) Damn Dixon's cheap cra…

(Camera rights itself, and ROSE comes in view.)

ROSE: (Into camera, smiling broadly)Hello mum! You said you wanted to know more 'bout what me as the Doctor get up to in a day, so I got a camera and I'm gonna film it for ya. Of course, assuming I'm still alive to give it to ya.

(ROSE laughs nervously.)

(Long pause.)

Camera – off.

Camera – on.

(View is black, but sounds of the TARDIS can be heard in the background whirling and clicking.)

DOCTOR: (Voiceover as Bill Oddie) The human species - also known as Homo Sapiens, are fascinating creatures that roam the land areas of Planet Earth. With their pickiness in diet, rest periods and total lack of control over bodily functions; it's a wonder they haven't been blown up yet.

(Creak of a door opening is heard. Across the room there is a bed, a visible small bump under the duvet signifying ROSE, sleeping, with her head resting on the pillows.)

DOCTOR: (Continuing voiceover as Bill Oddie) And here we have the female of the species, outwardly beautiful, yet fragile. Inwardly – well, I wouldn't know.

(Camera moves closer to ROSE.)
DOCTOR: (Continuing voiceover as Bill Oddie) Note how the female has not yet acknowledged my presence in the room. Her set sleeping patterns make it incredibly easy to pick a precise point in time to study this species in-depth. Let's get closer.

(Camera moves right next to ROSE, still oblivious to the DOCTOR's presence.)

DOCTOR: (Normal voice)Hmm, I wonder…

(Camera is set on side table as the DOCTOR leans down and whispers into ROSE's ear.)

DOCTOR: (Deep husky voice) Mmm, I love you Rose… (High girly voice) I love you too, Bret! (Deep husky voice) What d'ya say we go…study in the library, baby? (High girly voice) Oh, Breeeet…

(ROSE moves in her sleep, groaning satisfactorily.)

DOCTOR: (Deep husky voice) I luuuurve you baby! (High girly voice) Bret…

(DOCTOR carries on talking in imaginary conversation, as ROSE's eye open and stares at the DOCTOR, who has not noticed her awake.)

DOCTOR: (Deep husky voice) Rose, you're the girl of my dreams! (High girly voice) Bret! You're the one I'll be with forever…



(ROSE leaps forward, her hand knocking the camera as she jumps at the DOCTOR's throat.)


(Loud smash as camera hits the floor.)

Camera – off.

Camera – on.

(The DOCTOR comes into view, frowning in concentration, obviously immersed in working the camera.)

DOCTOR: Is that…is it on?

(DOCTOR smiles, giving a thumbs up to the camera.)

DOCTOR: Working! (Addresses ROSE off camera) Rose! I got it working again!

(ROSE bounces into view.)

ROSE: (Muffled through rapid chewing) You genius, you! I'd kiss you but I'm not sure you'd appreciate pancakes all over ya face.

DOCTOR: (Shrugs)Probably not. Though, saying that – I haven't actually tried.

(ROSE visibly swallows back food, and kneels down next to the DOCTOR and gives him a peck on the cheek. He goes red.)

ROSE: (Giggling) So where to today?

(DOCTOR gets up, grabbing the camera and pans it around the TARDIS Console Room.)

DOCTOR: (Voice behind camera) Hmm, not sure.

ROSE: (Excitedly) Let's go to the Pigeon Planet!

(Camera stops on ROSE.)

DOCTOR: Your mother wants entertainment, not a load of pigeons' pooing everywhere. We want fun, danger and excitement!


DOCTOR: I know!!!

(Camera is tossed to ROSE and rights the viewas the DOCTOR bolts across to the TARDIS console, jabbing every single button in sight.)

ROSE: (Voice behind camera) Note how he NEVER touches THAT one…

(Camera zooms right in to a single raised button next to a black lever. Camera zooms out.)

ROSE: (Whispered) Let's press it!

(Camera with ROSE bounces forward quickly to the console, her hand falling to smash down on the button.)

DOCTOR: No!!! Rose!!! Don't press the-

Camera – off.

Camera – on, buzzing. Fizzing. Bad quality.

(Silence, a small wedge of the TARDIS in view through interference.)

Camera – off.

Camera – on. Better quality.

(The DOCTOR is visible, battered looking, but alive.)

DOCTOR: (Seriously, straight into camera)Rose, if you can hear me now, it means you're alone. I'm hoping you have enough common sense to play this tape back. I've would have left the TARDIS by now, and you are NOT going to follow me. And don't go absorbing the Time Vortex to save me again; that was a bit messy last time.

(He glances off camera. Brief pause. He looks back.)

DOCTOR: Bye, Rose.

(Camera is set down on the ground, and the DOCTOR's feet disappear out of view with rhythmic 'clangs', and out the TARDIS.

Camera – continues to run.




Camera – continues to run.

(ROSE is in view, looking terrified.)

ROSE: Hello? Oh good, it's workin'.


ROSE: (Voice shaking) He's gone.


ROSE: He left me.


ROSE: Maybe some weird alien's got him, I dunno.

(Long pause.)

(Suddenly ROSE's eyes widen.)

ROSE: The camera!

Camera – off.

Camera – on.

(ROSE is visible, looking nothing short of furious.)

ROSE: (Angrily) The bloody IDIOT!

(The TARDIS starts to bleep, and ROSE grasps the camera and runs to the console. A red panel is flashing. ROSE's hand presses onto it.)

ROSE: (Quizzically, voice behind camera) A peace offering?

(More bleeping.)

ROSE: I gotta get out there!

Camera – off.

Camera – on.

(There is a giant lake in view, the gentle washing of water heard.)

ROSE: (Voice behind camera) Thought you should see this mum, the place where I'll die. Well, at least I'll rot on a nice leafy ground!


ROSE: (Dejectedly)No sign of the Doctor though. I've lost him. Why did I have to press that bloody button? Why didn't I listen to him? Now he's gone, he's gone and I have no idea where he is. I miss him, mum. I miss him. I need him. I can't live without him. But I have no idea where he is. Where could he be? The bottom of this lake? In a cave? Probably in orbit. Probably somewhere impossible where I'll never, ever find him.


ROSE: Oh! Look! There he is!

(All that is seen is moving ground as ROSE and the camera run across the grass in a frenzy.)

ROSE: (Panicked) Doctor!

(Camera pans up and the DOCTOR is lying unconscious in shallow water. Camera is set down on the grass as ROSE drags the DOCTOR out the water onto the bank.)

ROSE: (Shaking the DOCTOR) If you die, I'm not preparin' your goddamn funeral arrangements!

(DOCTOR opens eyes, moaning and wet through.)

DOCTOR: (Groaning) Rose?

(ROSE slaps the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR cries out.)

DOCTOR: (Rubs cheek)Ow!

ROSE: THAT'S for bloody wanderin' off!

DOCTOR: I had no choice! Those cartoon weirdoes! Spiderman! Daffy Duck! They were calling to me!


ROSE: Doctor, for a mo there I thought you said 'cartoon weirdoes'.

DOCTOR: I did.

(Long pause.)

ROSE: I think you're concussed.

Camera – off.

Camera – on.

(ROSE is sitting cross-legged on a metal table – the walls pure white.)

ROSE: Okay, day three and he's still insisting the 'cartoon weirdoes' are out to get him. Obviously whatever got him is insane, as well as crazy. Also, crazy – and very insane. They've completely messed with his head.

DOCTOR: (Off camera) Rose! Where's the tin foil?

(ROSE turns to face DOCTOR.)

ROSE: (Confused) Why d'you need tin foil?

(DOCTOR walks into camera's view. He's dressed in pyjamas and is smiling manically.)

DOCTOR: I wanna build a tin foil tower!

(DOCTOR turns to camera, does a double take, and then waves.)

DOCTOR: Hi camera!

ROSE: (Patronising) Doctor, I think it's time you went to bed, don't you?

(DOCTOR becomes crestfallen.)

DOCTOR: But why do I have to go to bed?

(ROSE draws the DOCTOR into a hug, like a mother holding their child.)

ROSE: Take Mister Eddy Teddy with you, he looks tired and I'm sure he needs someone to keep him company.

DOCTOR: (Brightly) Okay!

(DOCTOR bounces off of camera view. ROSE turns back to camera.)

ROSE: Okay, I'm going back to that place tomorrow and making these cartoon weirdoes turn him back to how he was, or there will be consequences!

Camera – off.

Camera – on.

(DOCTOR come into view, grinning.)

DOCTOR: (Giggles) Cam-bra! Hehe!

Camera – off.

Camera – on.

(Scuffling is heard. The camera is panned upwards, and ROSE is in view standing infront of the lake. She rolls her eyes dramatically.)

ROSE: Doctor, put it down, you'll break it.

DOCTOR: (Voice behind camera) But I'll be extra careful Rosie, promise.

ROSE: (Sighs) Fine, just don't break it, okay?

DOCTOR: (Sniffs) 'Kay.

(Camera with DOCTOR follows ROSE across grass.)

DOCTOR: Rose, d'you reckon that when I'm old enough I'll be able to live in a place like this?


ROSE: (Smiles) Sure, Doctor. You can live wherever you wanna live.

(ROSE turns to the lake.)

ROSE: Alright you cartoon weirdoes! Out you come! I want a word with you!

(Camera with DOCTOR and ROSE jump back quickly as something flies low over their heads.)

ROSE: Whoa, what was that?

VILLIANOUS VOICE: Ha! You two dare to strive into Toontown? This shall be your first, and last time!

DOCTOR: I've been here before.


VILLIANOUS VOICE: Oh. That's just totally ruined my intro.


HEROIC VOICE: Hahaha! Die, Dr. Evil!

ROSE: What the hell was that?!

(SUPERMAN and SPIDERMAN step out of shadows, DR. EVIL looking peeved off on the ground.)

SUPERMAN: Do not worry, pretty little girl! Superman has saved you!

(SPIDERMAN frowns.)

SPIDERMAN: I helped too!

SUPERMAN: Yeah, but you're no one. You call yourself Spiderman and you're arachnophobic!

ROSE: (Sighs) Look, I've seen the movies – and frankly Clark, (SUPERMAN goes red) I'm not impressed. Not remotely impressed. You've taken my friends brain and turned him into an eight-year-old kid, or, at least, more of an eight-year-old kid than he already was. And I want him back. So maybe if you'd stop runnin' around flexin' your goddamn muscles (SUPERMAN looks down at muscles) and actually paid some attention to anythin' but the mirror, you would be a little more respected!

(Long pause. SUPERMAN looks deflated.)

DR. EVIL: Wow, that was harsh.

(SUPERMAN begins to shake, before bursting into tears.)

(ROSE turns to SPIDERMAN, hands on hips.)

ROSE: As for YOU, I can't remember your real name but I know you're really geeky. And 'Spiderman'? For Christ's sake, that's so original I could throw up. And that COSTUME! What WERE you thinkin'? (SPIDERMAN looks down at costume) I can see your pants line for God's sake! You have a REALLY big bum! (SPIDERMAN blushes) Plus, if you're gonna wear a full on lycra suit, pad out the goddamn crotch area, because you have a really small penis. Oh yeah, don't think I haven't noticed! I think everyone's noticed! The same goes for you too Superman! (SUPERMAN sobs harder) And now I'll ask ya – GIVE MY FRIEND BACK HIS MATURITY!

(SPIDERMAN and SUPERMAN are now weeping. DR. EVIL is grinning.)

SUPERMAN: (Meekly) We only wanted a friend! It gets so lonely sometimes, here in Toontown.

ROSE: (Indignantly) Oh yeah, 'Toontown'. Hardly a bloody town, is it?

SPIDERMAN: Here! Have his maturity back! Just don't hurt us with your words anymore!

ROSE: Thank you!

(SPIDERMAN walks up to camera and reaches out to the DOCTOR behind it.)


(Camera falls sideways and hits the floor.)

Camera – off.

Camera – on.

(Nothing but ROSE's head is in the camera view, who's smiling.)

ROSE: (Waves) Hey, it's me again. So, there you go – an average outin' with the Doctor. I don't think we'll ever be going to Toontown again. (She smiles cheekily) Although…we did get an idea from it all.

(Camera zooms out slowly, revealing ROSE standing next to the DOCTOR infront of the console, the DOCTOR holding the zoom remote. The DOCTOR is wearing a full blue lycra suit with groinal padding, a long red cape, a mask across his face and a single 'D' sown onto his front. ROSE is wearing a tight pink leather outfit.)

DOCTOR: (Deep heroic voice) Are you ready, Giggle Girl?

ROSE: Yessir!

(The DOCTOR smiles at ROSE, his arms unfolding as the two run off screen, and all that is seen is the TARDIS dematerialisation column pulsating up and down.)

Camera – off.

Your battery needs recharging.