Author's Beginning Note Thingy: Because there's absolutely not enough Vincent/Chaos stuff out there… XD This actually isn't that slashy. It's just kind of… a reflection. No implications meant, not necessarily. I just love Chaos too much not to write a drabble about him.
It all happened in a flash, in an instant, one bright necessity, and you were gone. I still remember the blinding pain of the collision, the explosion, the impact that sent he and you spiraling down in a tumble of wing and flame to the unforgiving earth, dark down below.
It was at that peak of light in the sky, after that shockwave, that I, in the brilliant silvery haze of the moon behind parting clouds, first noticed your distinct absence…
And in the sun and dawn that followed, I felt burned by the yellow-gold, revealed, unprotected, open…
…it was that openness that had allowed you to run away.
I think a drop of charity pierced your black beast's heart then, and you left me out of mercy, out of pity… oh, if you had known how that had been the worst possible thing you could do…
It's strange, how now I accept, no, desire the return of my former tormenter. You who tore into my mind, thrashed around and strew my secrets, my regrets, my misgivings and my sins on the ground in front of me, and forced me to experience every one of them again, every bleary moment of pain, every horrible humiliation, while in the same instant you broke my body with your own hands, and mocked me for it. Mocked my tears, mocked my begs, laughed at my pleas and prayers, and furiously berated my weakness. But you… you were my strength!
The light outside the dim cave where I first found you is bright, and I must squint my eyes to see. I've never liked the darkness, bad experiences with it, but now I miss it in relation to this harsh revelation. Shadow meant secret… you and I were secret, mysterious, and we liked it that way, didn't we…?
I miss the way you'd fold your wings around me, protecting me and sheltering… taking me into your welcome black, where I would gladly curl up and sleep. You did it for self-preservation, of course. I die you die, and we couldn't have that… You had a greater purpose to fulfill… but I didn't.
You succeeded! I was so proud… and once that was done, you had no use for me, and cast me off like old clothing.
You left me empty… hollow, an abandoned shell with nothing meaningful, substantial inside. Now that you're gone, I can hardly remember life without you, because I know, now, that it wasn't life at all. You gave me life. Gave me strength, gave me breath, and… in some dysfunctional, corrupted way, gave me love. Or at least that kind of love as a master taking care of his pet… not that even, a farmer of his livestock, banker of his money. To you, I was an asset, a resource, and I would want nothing other.
When you were done, you left the cage I kept you in. I know, it was unfair… but I needed you too, oh, how I needed you. I still need you, though my existence was solely to supply you with a body, as your host, was already complete right along with yours. Now that you're gone, now I have nothing. No will to go on, no reason to. I'm a point without a purpose.
But moreso than any and all of that, I'm so alone… and it's quiet, now. More quiet than I ever remember it. Whether roars or laughter, your words or my screams, there was always noise. Now it's silent. Light, hollow, and silent, and I think it'll make me go mad… it's that ache that's the worst. That loss of something so much a part of myself, so essential to my being, that's making me cave in, fall into the new shallow light in my heart, that I despise. Like a supernova... like a giant star that has grown too greedy, begun to eat itself away from the inside out, so that the middle, the heart, the core, the brain, the most important aspect of its being is gone because of it's own conflicting greed. Soon, there is naught left but a shell, hollow on the inside, unable to support its own weight, heavy burden, and it at last just… breaks.
Without you keeping me together, without you holding me up, without you helping me fly… I'll just… break. I miss you, Chaos. I miss you. Please… please come back.